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Can you give me more information on "Gavron Warning"? DHs ex filed for an increase in CS the same day she tried to stop visitation but we just now got the papers on it. DH and ex were married about 2 years and have been divorced 11. She has a choppy job history, yet when she does decide to work she takes jobs that are below her potential (she has a masters to teach and takes day care jobs) she has also lived in her parents basement rent free all these years. In her petition she states she wants the increase due to the cost of food and clothes going up in price. DH is military and SSs have had military id cards since they were 6 &5. She also lives near a reserve base yet doesn't take advantage of the commissary (she is allowed to go in with them but only purchase food and items for the boys) She also states that the boys are involved in extra curricular activities (hockey) I have read on here that extra curricular things aren't a part of child support, that it is on the side. She leaves out of course that she volunteers so YSS plays for free, or the fact that my FIL bought him all new equipment last year.
She did call today and leave a message for DH that she withdrew her petition, but we don't believe a word she says anymore and DH has to call the courthouse tomorrow and see. But we also know from past experiences that if she doesn't do this now she will do it soon. Sorry if I am rambling, she is hitting us with one thing after another right now and we are very stressed and looking for ways to stop all of this harassment. Any info or advice would be greatly appreciated.

We are going through this with 15 yr old SS. He got his ear pierced twice at 12, his lip at 14 and now this year at the age of 15 he got snake bites (2 on the lips) double eyebrow, and an industrial piercing on his upper ear (2 holes with a bar that extends along the ear). They live very close to Canada and he has already informed us that next year his mom is taking him there for a tattoo since you only have to be 16.  It is an ongoing battle with both him and BM but she has already informed DH that she is his only parent and the only one who needs to consent. Obviously a lot of PAS going on there...but we do what others have posted and make him remove everything when he steps foot in our house.  

Do you have any other court dates coming up? If you do, or if your ex if like my DH's ex and loves to drag you to court every few months, then try to figure out a way to bring these issues up. Judges don't like to hear that a parent is involving a child in adult issues. I understand your frustration. Our PBFH told both SSs (OSS 13 YSS 12) that their dad was going to sue her for custody and take them away from her causing both of them, especially OSS, to lash out very hatefully at DH. DH started receiving I hate you emails from OSS out of the blue and it took us a few months to figure out what it was all about. Actually, it took the boys being with us for summer visitation and not having their mother breathing down their necks to find out. And when CPS was involved, even though in the long run they were no help, at first when they found out that BM was letting OSS read letters from our attorney the case worker really got onto her about that and put a scare into her.
Like I said, I know it is frustrating, but you are doing the right thing by not playing your ex's game. You already tried to explain to your son what the truth was. One of the hardest things we have dealt with is the fact that we get over a hurdle only to have them go home to her and then we have to start all over on the same hurdles again. But in the long run they hopefully will remember that she did all the bashing and we tried to do all the fixing.  Maybe next time that your son brings up any court issues you should do what we did, and just explain to him that anything from your end is done to assure you get your court appointed time with him,  or for the safety of others. Sorry I can't be of any real help. It is a very hard thing to go through, but for now that has seemed to work for us. Also depending on how much time you get with your son and what your CO says, maybe you should do what we did and put him into counseling. My DH has been going weekly with SSs and it has worked wonders.

Mango, I know just what you are talking about. We had a court date last month that BM asked for because she was trying to stop DHs visitation for no reason. Both SSs were extremely upset at DH and we had no idea why. Well the judge basically laughed BM out of the courtroom  and the boys are here now. They are attending counseling once a week with their dad and it has come out (mainly from OSS) that BM had him read all of the letters from our lawyer and he thought or was told that they were all about DH taking BM to court for custody. When OSS told  me this, I thought back on our personal policy of not discussing any court matters with any of the children and decided to bend our own rule. Decided that honesty was best here.I first explained to him that myself and DH thought that all court matters should only be between the adults but that since he was not getting the truth and that was fueling his anger I would discuss a few things with him that one time. I told him that none of the letters mentioned custody once and he told me they did. I explained to him that we had to pay for anytime we talked to the lawyer and anytime he sent anything out on our behalf and that for every letter sent to his mother by our lawyer  we were sent a copy.  He just wasn't getting it, or didn't want to believe that his mother would lie to him, so I just told him bluntly that his mother was denying visitation and that we got our lawyer involved. I told him that we never filed any motions in court, that any court dates were not of our doing. I then told him that we both loved him very much and that all we were doing with the lawyer was protecting his fathers rights to visitation with him and his brother. So far that has worked wonderfully, we haven't discussed the issue any further and all is going well with them. The BM on the other hand is a whole other issue as it always is but we aren't letting her spoil our time with the boys.

My DH and my 2 SSs went to counseling here last summer and he didn't need BMs permission. I just called around and talked to different counselors and they all told me  that it was fine since the boys would be with their father. We were all going to go, but there was the possibility of DH and BM going to court and we didn't want her having access to anything where I or our other 2 children were involved. SSs also live in another state and there was no problem with our counselor transferring his notes over to the CPS appointed counselor in the boys hometown. We also had incidents and got CPS involved, but of course after they ordered BM to get the boys into counseling they dropped all interest. Also, I am pretty certain that in their divorce decree that BM has full custody. I am usually on top with all that info, but I have a newborn and have to "survive" on minimal hours of sleep lately and can't seem to remember crap :)
My advice would be to just call around and ask. The counselors will know what they can and can't do. And if you tell them that the BM may want access to their files and notes they can also work around that. Good luck.

We are currently in a heated depate over medical bills with DH's PBFH. In their divorce decree it states that DH is to supply insurance and that anything not covered is to be split 50/50 between the two parents. We always get stuck with the whole bill and when we call the hospital or wherever they were treated they don't care to hear what we have to say. All they care about is getting paid their money. PBFH is convinced that everything owed is DHs responsibility because she pays a copay at each visit. We finally called one dr's office and stated that we had not authorized care and that we didn't feel the account should be in DH's name. If you provide insurance for your children you will automatically get the bill. Doesn't matter who took the child in. That is what we were told. We finally got lucky and got through to a caring and understanding person just last week who said for DH to send yet another copy of his divorce decree and pay half of the outstanding balance and they would then bill the ex. They are supposed to have it noted on the kids accounts now that two bills need to be sent out. Don't know yet if that will work but our fingers are crossed. So if you are providing insurance that may be where the problem lies.

I myself nor my DH have problems with tattoos or piercings. Our problem from the start with SS getting this done has been his age, and the fact that BM didn't even think to talk to DH about SS getting this done. I do believe that children have the right to express themselves, but I also believe that there needs to be a limit to what they can do. He is still a child. 14 may not be that young, but it also isn't that old.

BM lets both boys do anything they want, because she HAS to be the cool mom. She does not now nor has she ever disciplined them. Yet anytime a problem comes up that she can't handle it is somehow our fault. She allows them to cuss and watch all kinds of inappropriate shows and movies, yet when one of them decides to go off on her and give her a lashing like you wouldn't believe, it is again OUR fault.

We are constantly tip toeing around issues with her. She has called CPS on us because we didn't stick to her diet of fast food and junk food. Gasp...we eat veggies other than corn in this house. Gasp...we discipline our children and have taught them to show respect for other people or things. Gasp...we have raised our children to clean up after themselves, and not yell that they are being treated like slaves when people expect that of them.

We both feel that this sudden interest in   lip piercing is just more of her doing. He claims he has wanted this for 2 years. We have never heard about it before now. He talks to us, so it seems that he would have mentioned it. This and what he has planned with his hair for this summer both seem to be wanted so that he can get a shock out of people.  And every "shocking" thing that both boys are always doing are done right before they come here to spend time with us.

As far as making the other SS wear a hat last year when he had a mohawk.  We didn't really have a problem with the mohawk. But we did have rules. Like when we went to certain events that it be left down and not colored every color of the rainbow. So he would leave it down but color it. Then he would get to wear a hat.

Plus, we have 2 other boys ages 8 and 11. Every year we get hit with the can I haves. They want their ears pierced, they want cell phones, they want no boundaries on what they are allowed to watch, or how they are allowed to act in public. Oh that is another thing, we live close to D.C. and there are many different ethnic groups here. Both SS's but especially the youngest, think that it is great fun to openly make fun of these people.  He sees someone middle eastern and he starts talking like Apu from the Simpsons, but where these people can hear them. He did that last year at the mall and I took him over there to apologize. BM got all upset that I embarrassed him. He is allowed to act that way at home.  But back on topic, both of our boys want all of the things their brothers have or to do what they are allowed to do. Where do you draw the line for self expression? Do I just go up to someone in the store and say "I am sorry, my stepson is raised in a racist home, and even though I do not agree with his behavior, we need to let him express himself"?

There are so many things and we try to filter out the ones that we know are her just trying to get under our skin. But sometimes it is hard. Like with the lip piercing again. I remember wanting certain things done when I was his age (actually I think I was 16) I remember my parents letting me tell them what I wanted and why, and I remember my parents telling me no. I remember doing some of them anyway, but I also remember not doing the others because I knew my dad would kick my ass.  It seems that it is getting to the point where parents, wether divorced or not, aren't going to have any say in anything that their children do.

I am lucky though. I have been a part of my SS's lives for so long that they do talk to me and at least pretend to listen to me at times or even consider my advice. I can say "our" and "we" and "us" when in reality I am talking about DH and "his" kids.  

We are not trying to make him feel that he can't express himself. What we are trying to do though , is show him that he is only 14. It isn't going to kill him to wait a few years before he does this. We have talked to him about the safety issues and talked about going to a doctor with him. He doesn't care. He doesn't care about any of it. All he cares is that mom said yes and we said no, and even though it doesn't matter what we said as far as him actually doing it goes, he thinks we are against him. It is that way with both boys anytime we say no about anything, or anytime we expect them to follow the same rules in our house that our othe children do.  They need to understand that parents don't always just say yes. That as parents, no matter what they think about it or if they like it, it is our jobs until they are 18 to make some of these decisions for them.

Thanks for the great advice 4, but unfortunately it doesn't seem we will be doing anything. DH has become a doormat to PBFH and now to both SS and he is basically afraid to voice his opinion if it differs from the boys.

He did call BM and tell her that he was worried about SS safety, and that he would have appreciated a call from her to discuss all of this. She went off on him and said she didn't need his permission to do anything with "her" children and that he is not a part of their lives at all (???) and that she was not going to be lectured by him. She was getting ready to hang up, but I guess SS walked in the room so she started yelling at DH about why was he going to call CPS on her (a threat he never made) and why was he calling her a bad mother. So he just hung up on her.

 SS did call later but he wanted to know if there was going to be any problems on his visitation. His way basically of seeing is dad was going to call CPS. We made the mistake of getting CPS involved last year and learned fast that they don't give a crap or do anything for that matter.  So DH just folded and said no that he was only calling BM to voice his concern for SS safety.

We both know that regardless of what DH says SS will do what his mother allows him to get away with. But I still believe that DH should make his opinions well known and not just be silent.  DH though is at the point where he doesn't want any more conflict.

Had a nice little argument about the double standard he plans to pull with both SSs when they are here, and I let him know that he can keep quiet but I am not.  I have no problem being the evil stepmother if that is what I have to be. I am not going to make our children follow the rules but let my SSs have free reign just because I don't want them to be mad at me. They can be mad at me, hate me, be miserable or whatever, but they are going to do all that while they are getting the same treatment as everyone else.

I am at my wits end. I  can understand where DH is coming from (he did have a very rough time with them at the start of the summer last year and they did say things just to hurt him) but I believe that that comes with being a parent. I don't think they should get special treatment just to avoid conflict.

Didn't mean to get completely off the subject here :) Just once the rant starts it is hard to stop it sometimes. Thanks for the advice, I will keep it for the future because judging from the past haha we will have plenty of oppurtunities to use it later.

Have 2 SS ages 14 and 13. 14 yr old just informed me that he is getting his lip pierced on friday. He also informed me of some weird new thing he did with his hair consisting of shaving some parts and different colors. The hair doesn't really bother me, last year 13 yr old showed up with a mohawk and we solved that real fast by introducing him to a hat.

BM is apparently signing a consent form for 14 yr old to have his lip done, that is the part that we are frantic over. She has not contacted DH at all about this matter. In fact from what SS says, it was up to him to tell his father, so he told him on the online messanger when he knew his father was nowhere around. When he was talking to me today I informed him that his dad had no clue about any of this, and SS finds the whole thing amusing. When I gave him my opinion, he did ask for it, he got defensive and said that he was only trying to express himself.

 I have researched NY state law and can only find that any body piercing done on someone under 18 other than the ears (which they both had done at ages 11 and 12 top and bottom of ear!!) needs to have parental consent. This just doesn't seem right.

I know someone will ask what is in their divorce degree. That is so old, it  is the original and from when the boys were 2 and 3. It covers nothing about who can do what, only thing medical in there is that DH has to provide all insurance and that any leftovers is to be split 50/50. So basically this is going to mean that DH is screwed I am sure and that 14 yr old SS is now going to have a hole in his lip, might get hepatitis or a bad infection, will possibly damage a nerve and loose feeling in that area of his face. But as long as he is allowed to express himself...

If we can't stop this then I guess we will just have to have a band-aid rule in effect all summer. I do not want our 11 and 8 yr old sons thinking that is so cool and wanting that done.  We have no problems with piercings, tattoos, hair styles/colors but we do feel that as parents we need to establish some boundaries and have some realistic rules about those things.

I guess I really don't have any questions, but I would love anyones input about how they would deal with this.  Every time we turn around it is something else with this woman!!

Wow I was far off on the base location :) My DH says you should go to your DHs first sergeant and seek his assistance. If you get the same thing from him, then not in a threatening manner but say that you have no choice but to go to the news media and explain what is happening. Even though they may not offer you childcare assistance they should offer you some assistance. You shouldn't be told that since your DH is "just" national guard that you don't deserve the same help as someone who is active duty. Bottom line is your husband is deploying and while he is deployed should be on active duty. Does he get BAH/BAS while he is gone? Look into that, I have read that he should get that. Like I said in one of my other posts, let me know if there is anything I can do to help you. Us military wives have to stick together :)