Messages

1

New Jersey State Forum / Re: Child Support and custody

« on: Oct 14, 2009, 04:56:43 AM »

No, he cannot.  The only way he would get out of supporting his child is if there is a stepfather in the picture who wants to adopt the child.   
 
If the mother isn't following the court order regarding parenting time, then the father needs to consult with an attorney to see how he can enforce it. 

2

Custody Issues / Re: Introduction

« on: Oct 13, 2009, 04:58:37 PM »

 
Believing that your children will learn to adjust to their new schedule does not mean that you think your child is a robot.

 
He's projecting how his kids handled his situation onto my kids.  Kids he has never met.  He can believe all he wants.  But his belief isn't based on facts.  It simply can't be because he DOESN'T KNOW the kids involved. 
 

Kids do adjust to changes in their schedule.  For example - their schedule is changed at least five times a year when they either start or stop going to school because of holidays.  That is a change in their schedule - and one that everyone expects that they will do just fine with.  In many places kids spend the night at school, and they adjust to it and grow up normally.  In some instances children move often due to their parents work.  They also do just fine.  With the proper emotional support, and teaching the child how to deal with the new situation, children will do fine with just about any schedule.

 
 
Some kids adjust, some don't.  Making a blanket statement that ALL kids will is not factual.
 

There is a difference between knowing that something may upset the child and teaching them how to deal with that situation, and trying to sheild them from it.  Change is a very big part of life, and I think that sheltering kids from it has a negative effect on their ability to mature emotionally.

 
Yes, change is a very big part of life.  And the older the kids is, the better they are able to handle it. 
 
My kids are now older than they were 4 years ago.  The way my ex and I handled was to take HER EMOTIONAL well-being into consideration.  Which meant no 50/50 physcial and backing off on a whole week-end away from me.   And it worked.  She went from not wanting to see her dad to running happily to him when he comes to get her.  There is nothing wrong with respecting a child's feelings.  It is the child who has to go back and forth, not the parents.
 

Of course your 3yo would be different when she came back from a weekend with dad - because her dad (and not only you) is having an impact on her because he is helping to raise her.  To be opposed to his influence on your child is quite telling.

 
 
You really like to jump to conclusions and not read what was posted.  I didn't say that she was different after a week-end with her dad.  I said that she became a completely different child.  And it was the WHOLE time.  A happy go lucky little girl was miserable the ENTIRE time.  Until we backed off and went more slowly.   By the way, that leap of yours about how I am opposed to my ex's influence on the kids really must have hurt.  Because it is simply not true. 
 

Thrust into something they couldn't handle.... unfortunately with divorce, there's a change no matter which way you look at it, and it's change that the children must adjust to.

 
Yes, they do.  And thrusting them into a whole lot of changes only adds to issues.  Going more slowly helps the children adjust better.  And this is coming from someone who has worked with young children for over 10 years. 
 
 

 
  Be it a new schedule at mom's house/dad's house, or having their relationship with one of their parents diminished.  To say that kids can handle losing a close relationship with one of their parents more than they could having to spend time at two different houses is pretty myopic.  You won't see the impact of the diminished relationship until the kids or older.  There are numerous studies out there to tell you what you can expect from your children when they are older:  adjustment difficulties into adulthood, problematic relationships, a higher incidence of mental health problems, they might drop out of school.  Because a healthy involved relationship with both parents is one of a child's basest needs.  Yes, schedule changes may cause some whining and temper tantrums at first - but it's something a child can adjust to.  Not having an involved relationship with one of their parents is not.

And those numerous studies don't say that ALL of the kids do well in a 50/50 physical situation.  Nor have those numerous studies studied every single child out there. 
 
And it was a whole lot more than whining and tantrums that was going on when we were going too fast with my youngest.
 

When both parents are healthy and supportive it is true that kids do better with equal access 100% of the time.  It is also true that kids do better with two not-so-great parents than with one good parent, or no parents.  There are lots of studies to support this.

And none of them state that 100% of the kids do well in the type of situation that you would force on them.  Nor have they studed every single child out there.  I know my kids better than those studies do.  They are doing well, both physically AND emotionally.  I know that doesn't jive with what you believe, but it simply is.
 

If it's not because of your ex's schedule, then why would you say "Maybe, if my ex's schedule improves, that may change in the future."  Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

My kids are getting older and are handling being away from me better.  The web that is being weaved here is by you.  With age comes emotional maturity.  If my ex's work schedule were conducive to 50/50, then I would consider trying more time to see how the kids handle it.  But it's not. 

Saying that your kids would be the "losers" if they had more time with their dad means that you don't see a benefit to their relationship with him.

That leap really hurt.  Saying my kids would be the losers if they were thrust into something that they simply couldn't handle is not saying that I don't see a benefit to their relationship with their dad.   It's saying that they would end up being the one who pays the price for some notion that they can't have a good relationship with their dad because it isn't 50/50.
 

Ah, but you're not.  Whether or not you allow your ex to share equality in the raising of his and your children, he is just as important as you.  You might fool yourself into thinking he's not because you have the kids more than he does - but he is.  You'll see that when your kids are older.  Unfortunately.

Ah, but I am the primary parent.  I know you don't like that but that is your problem not mine.  It simply is.  And has always been that way.  You may not like it, but it is.  It doesn't mean that he isn't as important as I am .  It simply means that I am the one who does most of the parenting.  And have since the day they were born.  You jumping to conclusions isn't going to change that.

You even say that you have to "suck it up" if he goes to one of your kids events.  You've been split for 5 years, you're the "primary parent", he has limited time with them... what are you "sucking up", besides dislike that your kids father is there.

 
Do you even understand what a hypothetical situation is?  Because I don't have to suck it up.  My ex and I actually are friendly and sit next to each other.  He also uses my house for the visits during the week.  I gave a hypothetical situation.  But I can see where you would think it isn't.  For one, I didn't state that it was hypothetical.  The other, is that you have a very strong bias against people you don't agree with.  Hence the reason you started this whole debate. 
 
 
 

3

Custody Issues / Re: Introduction

« on: Oct 13, 2009, 04:27:57 PM »

Momfortwo...do not feel sorry for my children, unlike your children, mine are emotionally stable because I do not reflect my insecurities onto them.

 
I, but I do feel sorry for them.  They have a parent who jumps to conclusions without even knowing the kids he's jumping to conclusions about.
 
My kids are emotionally stable.  I know that you would like to think differently, but that's your problem.  Not my kids'.

4

Custody Issues / Re: Introduction

« on: Oct 12, 2009, 05:52:52 PM »

Not every case involves violence.  So you would rather cut one parent down to a "visitor" in children's lives rather than them be a parent?  If you've never been in a 50/50 situation how would you know how it works?  How the children would react?  My daughter was 18 months old and did GREAT!!  Now she's nearly an adult...and is far more adjusted than many adults out there.  She has had both her parents in her life...not a primary and a visitor...she had PARENTS!!!

It seems to me from reading your posts...that you would've been the reason for your children not doing well.  Children do better with equal access to their parents....you don't think that should be and that is sad.,...I feel sorry for your children!!

But you said every case.  BTW, feel more sorry for your kids.  They have a father who thinks that children are robots and act the same.   

Believe it or not, some parents do know their kids well enough to know how they would react to a schedule.   

Plus, there's the fact that my youngest became a completely different child personality wise when she was away from me for a whole week-end.  She was three at the time.  While your 18 month old may have done great, MY three year old couldn't even handle a whole week-end.  She's almost 8 now and is doing much better.   

I wouldn't jump to conclusions about how well my kids are doing.  Because they are doing very well.  They are happy and well-adjusted kids.  Your assumption that my kids aren't doing well simply because they weren't thrust into something that they couldn't handle really is off-base.   

I used to think that 50/50 physical was not good in any case.  I have since learned that kids are individuals.  One can't make a claim that kids' do better with equal access to their parents and have it be accurate 100% of the time.  Just like one can't make a claim that children do better when it isn't equal and have it be accurate 100% of the time.   

Your kid and my kid are perfect examples of that.  You had a child who handled it well.  I have a child who wouldn't have been able to.  Maybe, if my ex's schedule improves, that may change in the future.  But right now, 50/50 is not in MY kid's best interest.  And not because of my ex's schedule, but because of my kid's personality and emotional maturity.  Which is improving as she gets older.   

5

Custody Issues / Re: Introduction

« on: Oct 12, 2009, 05:40:40 PM »

It's a shame that you think your kids would be losers if they had a more equal parenting time arrangement.  I agree with giggles - maybe you're thinking has something to do with how well your kids adjusted to your divorce.  The parents are equally responsible for the child's adjustment post-divorce - and especially fostering a positive relationship with the other parent.

Uh, I don't recall stating that my kids' had a bad relationship with my ex.  They don't.  And the reason for that is because they weren't thrust into something that they couldn't handle.   

They could probably handle it better now that they are OLDER.  Because kids mature emotionally as they get older.  My ex, otoh, has a work schedule that simply does not allow more time with the kids, he doesn't even take them for an extended period in the summer (his choice).   As it is, when he sees them during the week depends on when he can get home at a reasonable hour.  I am the primary parent, it doesn't really matter if you like that terminology or not.  It simply is.   

BTW, parenting is rarely equal.  Even in intact families.   

6

Custody Issues / Re: Introduction

« on: Oct 12, 2009, 05:33:06 PM »

I feel sorry for your kids, too.  Obviously you weren't or aren't willing to make the sacrifices necessary to make it work. 

Feel more sorry for your kids.  It must be tough to have a mom who jumps to conclusions without knowing the full story.   I am not willing to risk my children's emotional well-being because some internet stranger thinks she knows my kids better than me.  You don't.  Nor do you know what is best for them.  You don't know their personalities.  You don't know anything about them.  The only kids that you would know what is best for are yours.

My kids are fortunate enough to have parents who DO get along for the most part.  And who put them first.  I know that is foreign concept for you because you simply refuse to see how a presumption of 50/50 physical can actually do harm to a child.  Fortunately for my kids, my ex and I aren't that blinded. 

BTW, all of the problems that everybody is posting here about with their ex's, I don't have with my ex.  Why?  Because what is in the kids' best interest is more important than what our rights are.  An example, my ex wouldn't show up at a game for the kids if he knew that the kids would not be able to participate as a result of his actions.  Another example, I suck it up and deal with the fact that my ex is there.  I even have him over to my house for the kids' bday parties.  Again, it's about putting the kid first.  Even if it means our rights get trampled.   

7

Custody Issues / Re: Introduction

« on: Oct 11, 2009, 06:39:55 PM »

Kitty & Gemini I couldn't agree more!!  My X and I did 50/50 (week on/off) and our daughter was the ultimate winner.  We divorced when she was 18 months old and now she's 17.  She's an honor roll student, takes all AP classes and will be going off to college next year knowing she has always had the love and support of BOTH her parents.  My X and I made sure we put HER needs before our own.

Prior to our divorce, the court made us take a class regarding children of Divorced parents.  It taught us how to get along for the benefit of the chilren and I think it should be mandatory for all divorcing parents.

We can all agree that 50/50 may not work for everybody, but it should be the starting point in every case!!

 
Every case?  Even ones that involve violence?  Sorry, but I think that the status quo should remain.  If one parent has been primary, to change that abruptly on top of the parents splitting will only add more problems.  Obviously, the older the child the less likely this is.  If the parents want to try 50/50 physical, it would be better to work up to it rather than thrust a child into it.  Especially if the child(ren) are really young. 
 
I know that for my kids, had that happened, they would not have done well at all.  Even now, they would have a problem with it.  Not to the extent that they would have 4 years ago, but they would still have issues with it.  It would work well for me as it would give me more time to concentrate on rebuilding my career. 
 
In my kids case, if they were thrust into a week on week off situation, they would be the losers. 
 
 

8

Custody Issues / Re: Introduction

« on: Oct 11, 2009, 08:12:15 AM »

You're right, I do have an agenda.  To make shared parenting the presumption in all custody cases, and to help NCP's who are being held hostage by their ex's or having difficulty getting access to their children.  My agenda is to change the current thinking so that there's no "winner" or "loser" in custody cases - because the real loser is the child.  That you don't care to participate in that is what I was wondering about, which was the reason for my question.

And I don't agree that the presumption of 50/50 physical is in the child's best interest.  You can have 2 fit parents and a child who simply cannot handle that type of arrangement.  Children aren't robots, they are individuals.  The individual child needs to be looked at.  And I really admire the parents who do that.  Unfortunately, I rarely see that.  Even in this forum.  It's too much about the rights of the parents than it is about the rights of the child. 

As is evidenced by your refusal to see that the father who is insisting on attending his kids' soccer games on his ex's week-end KNOWING FULL WELL that the child won't be able to participate is wrong for what he is doing, just like the mother is.  That isn't about the child, that's about the father's rights.  And the child is losing as a result.  Sometimes, being a parent means ignoring your rights and doing what is right for the child.  A personal example, when my youngest was younger, she had a very hard time being away from me for a whole week-end.  And if she saw me at my son's soccer games on my ex's week-end, she would have a complete meltdown.  I stopped going because it was not in her best interest that I be there.   It made it too hard for her.  Now, it doesn't appear to be an issue.  But if it still is, I am not going to go.  Why?  Because my kids come first.  Over my right to be there. 

But you are right, when a child is thrust into something that s/he cannot handle because there is a presumption that the child should be with the other parent 50% of the time, the child is losing.  Just like a child who can handle being with the both parents 50% of the time and clearly wants it is denied that because there is a presumption that is hard to overcome.

My ex and I don't have issues because we are able to set aside our differences and get along for the sake of the kids.  Neither one of us makes it about what our rights are.  Because, in the scheme of things, our rights aren't necessarily in the kids' best interest. 

And if the NCP doesn't like it, the ONLY option is to either live with it or go to court (and in the motion, request mediation).   Because if the CP is doing something that s/he doesn't agree with and it isn't addressed in the court order, those are the ONLY options. 

My posts make it clear that I am about doing what is in the child's best interest.  Just because you don't agree doesn't mean they are about anything else. 

9

Custody Issues / Re: MomforTwo's Introduction

« on: Oct 11, 2009, 06:27:19 AM »

Just curious momfortwo, and since you were kind enough to introduce yourself, I thought I would ask.  You have been on this board for almost five months.  In that time you have made 110 posts - 109 of them in response to others questions or advice.  Since your other post was an introduction - you have yet to post a question of your own.  You're a CP... no step kids.  You refer to yourself not as the "custodial parent", but as the "primary parent".  (Which I guess makes the other parent, what, secondary?)

I took a moment to read the posts of yours that I haven't read yet... and it struck me that you seem to have very little compassion for, or understanding of, the plight of the NCP.  You have made a lot of bold statements, a lot of judgement calls, and given a lot of questionable advice - so I have to ask what gives you the credibility to be giving such advice?  Besides your "opinion".  What experience do you have that you can offer NCP's on this board?

A lot of what you have written is pretty disturbing, as it mirrors what a lot of NCP's hear from hostile CP's on a daily basis.  You don't seem to need any help co-parenting, since you appear to have all the answers and none of the questions... so I'm just wondering - why are you here?

I had a snide comment all typed out.  I think I will just stick with this one:
 
You clearly have an agenda.  One I don't care to participate in. 
 
But I will give you a little advice.  People aren't always going to agree with you.  Accept it.  As that is life and nothing you can do about it. 

10

Visitation Issues / Re: Summer marching band

« on: Oct 10, 2009, 09:28:06 PM »

She is already in jazz band and symphonic band. Marching band is 6 days a week with traveling to other counties. She isn't even committed to it yet. Her mom has her enrolled in guitar and piano lessons also. 

Her best friend is the band director's daughter. He is a super guy. He might be willing to work out something, but if he can't, I can't do this. As far whether I will lose if it goes to court...not relevant and not likely. There is no way I can take her to some of band meetings due to my work schedule. The court can't reduce my parenting time below the minimum provided by my state's PTG unless it believes it is in the child's best interests. Given that I have fully supported all her activities, I doubt seriously the court will restrict my time to below the minimum set by the PTG if I don't let her participate in marching band. 

A court ordering you to take your child to school activities during your parenting time isn't taking away from your parenting time.   It would still be considered your parenting time.

Part of parenting IS taking kids to their activities. 

As for the not relevant and not likely part about court, well, I think you may be in for a surprise.   Because courts have been known to do what you don't think they will do.