Believing that your children will learn to adjust to their new schedule does not mean that you think your child is a robot.
He's projecting how his kids handled his situation onto my kids. Kids he has never met. He can believe all he wants. But his belief isn't based on facts. It simply can't be because he DOESN'T KNOW the kids involved.
Kids do adjust to changes in their schedule. For example - their schedule is changed at least five times a year when they either start or stop going to school because of holidays. That is a change in their schedule - and one that everyone expects that they will do just fine with. In many places kids spend the night at school, and they adjust to it and grow up normally. In some instances children move often due to their parents work. They also do just fine. With the proper emotional support, and teaching the child how to deal with the new situation, children will do fine with just about any schedule.
Some kids adjust, some don't. Making a blanket statement that ALL kids will is not factual.
There is a difference between knowing that something may upset the child and teaching them how to deal with that situation, and trying to sheild them from it. Change is a very big part of life, and I think that sheltering kids from it has a negative effect on their ability to mature emotionally.
Yes, change is a very big part of life. And the older the kids is, the better they are able to handle it.
My kids are now older than they were 4 years ago. The way my ex and I handled was to take HER EMOTIONAL well-being into consideration. Which meant no 50/50 physcial and backing off on a whole week-end away from me. And it worked. She went from not wanting to see her dad to running happily to him when he comes to get her. There is nothing wrong with respecting a child's feelings. It is the child who has to go back and forth, not the parents.
Of course your 3yo would be different when she came back from a weekend with dad - because her dad (and not only you) is having an impact on her because he is helping to raise her. To be opposed to his influence on your child is quite telling.
You really like to jump to conclusions and not read what was posted. I didn't say that she was different after a week-end with her dad. I said that she became a completely different child. And it was the WHOLE time. A happy go lucky little girl was miserable the ENTIRE time. Until we backed off and went more slowly. By the way, that leap of yours about how I am opposed to my ex's influence on the kids really must have hurt. Because it is simply not true.
Thrust into something they couldn't handle.... unfortunately with divorce, there's a change no matter which way you look at it, and it's change that the children must adjust to.
Yes, they do. And thrusting them into a whole lot of changes only adds to issues. Going more slowly helps the children adjust better. And this is coming from someone who has worked with young children for over 10 years.
Be it a new schedule at mom's house/dad's house, or having their relationship with one of their parents diminished. To say that kids can handle losing a close relationship with one of their parents more than they could having to spend time at two different houses is pretty myopic. You won't see the impact of the diminished relationship until the kids or older. There are numerous studies out there to tell you what you can expect from your children when they are older: adjustment difficulties into adulthood, problematic relationships, a higher incidence of mental health problems, they might drop out of school. Because a healthy involved relationship with both parents is one of a child's basest needs. Yes, schedule changes may cause some whining and temper tantrums at first - but it's something a child can adjust to. Not having an involved relationship with one of their parents is not.
And those numerous studies don't say that ALL of the kids do well in a 50/50 physical situation. Nor have those numerous studies studied every single child out there.
And it was a whole lot more than whining and tantrums that was going on when we were going too fast with my youngest.
When both parents are healthy and supportive it is true that kids do better with equal access 100% of the time. It is also true that kids do better with two not-so-great parents than with one good parent, or no parents. There are lots of studies to support this.
And none of them state that 100% of the kids do well in the type of situation that you would force on them. Nor have they studed every single child out there. I know my kids better than those studies do. They are doing well, both physically AND emotionally. I know that doesn't jive with what you believe, but it simply is.
If it's not because of your ex's schedule, then why would you say "Maybe, if my ex's schedule improves, that may change in the future." Oh, what a tangled web we weave...
My kids are getting older and are handling being away from me better. The web that is being weaved here is by you. With age comes emotional maturity. If my ex's work schedule were conducive to 50/50, then I would consider trying more time to see how the kids handle it. But it's not.
Saying that your kids would be the "losers" if they had more time with their dad means that you don't see a benefit to their relationship with him.
That leap really hurt. Saying my kids would be the losers if they were thrust into something that they simply couldn't handle is not saying that I don't see a benefit to their relationship with their dad. It's saying that they would end up being the one who pays the price for some notion that they can't have a good relationship with their dad because it isn't 50/50.
Ah, but you're not. Whether or not you allow your ex to share equality in the raising of his and your children, he is just as important as you. You might fool yourself into thinking he's not because you have the kids more than he does - but he is. You'll see that when your kids are older. Unfortunately.
Ah, but I am the primary parent. I know you don't like that but that is your problem not mine. It simply is. And has always been that way. You may not like it, but it is. It doesn't mean that he isn't as important as I am . It simply means that I am the one who does most of the parenting. And have since the day they were born. You jumping to conclusions isn't going to change that.
You even say that you have to "suck it up" if he goes to one of your kids events. You've been split for 5 years, you're the "primary parent", he has limited time with them... what are you "sucking up", besides dislike that your kids father is there.
Do you even understand what a hypothetical situation is? Because I don't have to suck it up. My ex and I actually are friendly and sit next to each other. He also uses my house for the visits during the week. I gave a hypothetical situation. But I can see where you would think it isn't. For one, I didn't state that it was hypothetical. The other, is that you have a very strong bias against people you don't agree with. Hence the reason you started this whole debate.