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Messages - StPaulieGirl

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Shrink Rap / RE: Some advice is needed regarding kid's father
« on: Jan 04, 2004, 10:50:18 PM »
Thank you :-)  The problem is that he keeps reeling them in.  To this day he sucks me into lies.  

This is really hard without therapy.  I wish the grown girls would see someone.  I would go if I could find someone I could afford.  

Something related to this came up over the last week.  I'll address the situation after I reply to Dr D :-(

Shrink Rap / Some advice is needed regarding kid's father
« on: Dec 31, 2003, 01:35:31 PM »
Oh this is going to take forever to type.

Quick backround:  My ex and I were married for 19 years, and have 4 kids who are 24, 21, 16, and 9.  It was hell on earth for all of us, except the youngest one.  It took me 7 years to get away from him. Their father devalued the 2 oldest, while spoiling the 2 youngest.  Well I finally called the cops on him, and he moved out.  He fit the clinical definition of a sociopath years ago, and now exhibits Narcissistic Personality Disorder behaviors.

I won't address his constant cheating while we were married, however after we separated he had a different woman every time the kids saw their father.  The now 16 year old boy (unfortunately I believe he has the same problems as his father) exploded one day in a rage, and called his father a slut.  This was in front of two of his sisters and brother in law.  The boy proceeded to wreck some furniture.  Yes, I've tried psychiatrists and psychologists after the separation, but it's too late.

After dating countless numbers of women, he found one and moved in with her, her parents, and her kids.  She, unfortunately is an enabler.  He fed her some of the most absurd lies, which caused her to call Social Services on me.  Unfortunately for my ex, the boy spilled the beans on him, citing his personality change(talks different, dresses different, got rid of all his possesions, gave the bongs to the 21 yr old, got rid of a 35 yr old record collection, etc) upon announcing his decision to move in with his now wife.  The kids had only met her once before, before he made this decision.  Basically the kids blew the whistle on him.  The social worker barged into my house, which I now know is illegal, and basically told me I needed some moral support.  I called the worker several times about the conditions in their father's new residence, until finally a man called me back and told me to seek legal help regarding my ex, and that they were closing the investigation.  This took place 2 years after our divorce.  I'm trying to do this chronologically, but it's hard.

We went through mediation, and my attorney tried to set up a fair visitation schedule for him.  I found this attorney through the local domestic violence shelter, and she understood that I was scared to death of him.  I was so disgusted with him at that meeting, that I went outside and had a cigarette.  You see, he's too busy and important to stick to a regular visitation schedule.  My attorney gave him 2 weeks in the summer anyway.  Later she told me that in all her years of practice, she's never seen a father behave like that.

Those 2 weeks every summer?  It's been 3 years since our divorce was final, and guess how many weeks he's taken?  ONE!  Look, I think he's emotionally damaging the kids, and would prefer that he fall off the face of the earth, but the 9 yr old, until recently, thought the sun rose and set on daddy.  So we all tried to keep our mouths shut about his outrageous behavior.

The latest thing to hit the fan has all the kids angry at him.  Here's what he wrote to me November 2nd:

"I will be out of town Dec 19-26, so can I please have the kids for xmas after the 26th for a week.  I cannot change my plans and would appreciate the switch in days.  Pleas let me know so I can plan accordingly.  Please write and let me know.  Thanx ****"

That was his scheduled time for Christmas visitation this year.  Why didn't HE PLAN ACCORDINGLY?  

You'll all just love this:  He sent postcards to the kids.  Bass Lake is absolutely beautiful.  He sent a scenic pic to the 9 yr old girl, and a pic of 3 lovely ladies in teeny bikinis to the 16 yr old boy.  The 9 yr old balled up her fists, and started screaming about him not taking her there.  I had kind of lied and said that he might be out of town on a business trip, so when she saw that postcard she knew that he was having a beautiful vacation without her.  The older kids were equally pissed off, because daddy never took us anywhere like that.  Like I said earlier, he underwent a personality change.  The 21 yr old started calling him "the artist formerly known as daddy".

My oldest and her husband agreed to drive the 2 youngest kids to their father's house on the 27th.  The kids will stay there until the day before school starts, or he gets tired of them.  They spent the night, then continued on to see the 21 yr old, her bf, and their baby.  I got an earful when the oldest and my son in law came over the next evening.  Understand that we lived like refugees.  I could never understand how a mfg engineer working for Northrop Grumman made such little money that we couldn't afford curtains or decent carpet.  Nevermind the leaky water heater and dangerous electric wiring.  My girl told me that he basically rubbed her nose in it.  His 269,000 brand new home, his paintings, all he did was talk about all his bling bling and how much everything costs!  My girl started crying at that point because he didn't even ask them about how they were doing, and why does he hate us so much?  

At that point, my son in law told me to take his ass back to court and to the cleaners.  He was furious when my girl/his wife started crying.  I'd rather not go back to court, at this time.

Well, I guess he can still make the older girls cry.  I won't go into how cruel he's been to the 21 yr old.  I've asked them to just quietly cut off contact, because it's hurting them.

Even though it's too late for the older kids(unless they seek it themselves), I'm wondering if therapy will help my youngest one.  If anyone has any suggestions on how to handle their father, I'd appreciate it.  One more thing...his lawyer told the judge, when asked who would take care of the QDRO, that they would take care of it.  I asked my tax advisor, who does both our taxes and decides who claims the kids every year, if I should do something about that.  He emailed me back and told me to do it yesterday.  He's plundering his retirement account, I guess.  One more lie he'll probably get away with.

Unfortunately I had several emotionally upsetting incidents last year, and my heart is kind of going bonkers.  I went to the doctor a couple of days ago, and my pulse was back up to 110.  The Prozac had brought it down to 89, so they doubled my dosage.  I just don't need this crap.

Dear Socrateaser / thank you, and I possibly have some "good" news
« on: Feb 12, 2004, 03:21:52 PM »
I talked with the attendance office at my son's school, and the lady there sent me out a homeschooling waiver for ill students.  

I think my boy's allergies are back, on top of everything else.  I had severe allergies, and ended up having shots 3 times a week as a child.  It is undeniably miserable.  My son had severe allergies when he was small, and the HMO wouldn't test him.  He is pretty miserable right now, and otc meds make his behavior worse.  If I can get the Dr to cooperate ( mr. too cheap to run xrays), I can homeschool him with the district's blessings.  If it works out, let's see what kind of a GPA I can pull off 8^D

Re#3-Any one with personal knowledge of the behavior at issue may testify if they are deemed competent to do so (usually this means that having a pulse).

Thank you for replying.  This would be a last ditch effort.  I don't want the girls to have to be in the position to testify against their father, however they have no problem with that concerning their baby sister.

Thank you again, Socrateaser :)

1. CPS dismissed their case against me, and advised me to seek legal help regarding my ex.  This was last year.  Is there a statute of limitations?

2. I have a little problem with my heart.  Basically my resting pulse rate hovers between 89 and 123 despite the medication.  Is there a way for me to take an accurate polygraph test, should the opportunity arise?

3. How does one try and explain PAS to school officials without sounding like a few sandwiches short of a good picnic? I keep rehearsing ways to bring up the subject without sounding nuts.  I don't even believe what I'm saying.  However there are 2 adult daughters who can tell them what's up.  Can they have a say in this?  

4.  Since I don't have a Master's Degree in Psychology, I cannot comment officially about my son's behavioral characteristics.  He's been tested repeatedly, and the only official to come right out and say it was his ROTC commander.  Do I have a right (moral and legal), to have this child commited for observation?  In 2 years he'll be walking the streets, maybe in your neighborhood.

5. Any advice on how to work with the school system, regarding my above concerns?

6. I hope I formatted correctly this time.  

Thank you for any help you can give us.

Your brother has worse problems than I do, but I would love to know how to make someone stop this kind of behavior.  Hopefully Soc has some advice.

Dear Socrateaser / Preemptive strike against school district
« on: Jan 28, 2004, 04:39:14 PM »
First of all we reside in CA. The budget debacle is being felt by everyone, especially the schools. I'm going to try and explain a possible problem as efficiently as possible, so please bear with me.

Separated in '99, divorced in '00.  Ex filed first and gave me total custody of the two youngest kids.  They are 16 and 9, plus we have 2 other daughters who are 24 and 21.

The ex has been physically abusive, and continues to mentally abuse us.  He is also a pathological liar, which is the basis for my problem.  The female who he was able to hoodwink(the number of gf's that the kids have met for 3 yrs is just unbelievable) is a 4th grade schoolteacher.  Being a schoolteacher, she is also a mandatory reporter to CPS.  He told her that I never cooked, I didn't buy food, that I'm a drunk, and that the house is filthy.  A social worker showed up at my door Sept. 15th, 2002 and barged into the house.  It was untidy, there were dishes in the sink...yeah if there's no food in the house, why do we have dishes that have to be washed????  

I think what saved us is that I was a court appointed, bonded conservator on my mom's behalf, serving the Superior Court.  My mom had Alzheimer's and dementia, and that's why we moved down here to the family mausoleum.  Also, without my knowledge or permission, this social worker interviewed both children at school.  The boy spilled the beans on dear old dad, but my baby doesn't want to go to school anymore.  This last sentence is extremely important!

In December, I received a phone call from CPS notifying me that they were closing the case, and advised me to hire an attorney against my ex husband.  He and his gf got married in a hasty Las Vegas ceremony, soon after.

Several months after this happened, their father exercised his legal right to access the kids school records.  My daughter's attitude and performance started an even further decline.  Unfortunately, while we were married (for 19 years), he never was involved with the kids schooling.  I did it all.  I'd like to see a judge make him recite just one teacher for each of the 4 kids.  

My son has problems and no one will come out and say exactly what his problem is.  He's been to several psychiatrists, private psychologists, school pyschologists, etc.  He had problems while he was still in diapers, and the paperwork on him since kindergarten would wallpaper my house.  He's violent at times, and definitely passive aggressive.

At his first IEP meeting of the year, I had to reschedule due to illness.  I told his guidence counselor over the phone that this whole thing is a waste of time and school resources.  The boy doesn't even have a GPA!  He's 16, he can get a job.  When he's tired of sweeping floors and digging ditches, maybe then he'll see the value of an education.

My son and I attended an IEP meeting at a later date, designed to try and intimidate me several months ago.  the whole crux of the matter is not that they care about my son, like the kids school district back home did, but that if his butt isn't warming a chair....they don't get paid.  They told me it was illegal for him to quit school, and when I retorted that I'd homeschool him, they said there wasn't anything available in this area.

I swear these people are socialists!  Anyway, my son hurt himself over Christmas visitation with his father.  The doctor thinks it's a bruised, or maybe a hairline fractured back rib. It is well documented that his absences due to illness and injury have always been above average.  The little one purposely drags her feet in the morning, and ends up late.  I have addressed this problem with her teachers, asking them to bench her during recess, or after school detention.  They tried to gang up on me, so I politely explained that not only have I been a parent for 25 years, and I've never had a child who was afraid to go to school until now.

My mom passed away in September, and as soon as I can claw my way through probate, we're moving back home.  I've read up on quite a bit of information about what CPS can and cannot do, and I want to protect myself and my children.  What their father doesn't understand is that because of his damned lies, those kids could be kidnapped and placed in foster homes.  He won't get them, and he will be hit for child support from the state for foster care.

What do I do to protect my family?  Should I hire an attorney?  Yank the kids out of public school?

If you've read this far, bless you.  I know it's long, but I wanted to give you as much information as possible.  

Parenting Issues / RE: Parenting Differences/Just a Vent/long
« on: Feb 27, 2004, 10:48:08 AM »
How frustrating.  Have you ever heard of the only child syndrome?  It's not a real, documented thing, but it does exist.  I was an only child, my mom felt that I had to be perfect.  My oldest daughters friend is an only child, same thing.  The expectations are a little harsh.  It's becoming more common with one child families.  Dozens of activities, etc.  Maybe that's what's going on with her dad and stepmom.  Have a talk with them about their expectations.  Good luck :-)

Parenting Issues / RE: Parenting Differences/Just a Vent/long
« on: Feb 26, 2004, 12:33:48 PM »
Has your daughter's father always been this harsh?  I'm all for discipline, but she's only 8.  Bless your husband for being there for her emotionally.  Grandpa too :-)

Parenting Issues / RE: Goodbye Miss Manners!!!
« on: Feb 22, 2004, 02:16:12 PM »
You've got your hands full with that one.  Here's what we call the neighbor from hell (mother of all psycho bitches)...."Psychotica".  Feel free to christen your personal pain in the ass )(

Parenting Issues / RE:Read and Weep
« on: Feb 21, 2004, 11:54:35 AM »
More like read, shake my head, and die laughing.  You just made me wake the cat up!

The truth is that you cannot bear to so much as type the word mother, or it's variations.  Helper?  That's a job description, not what a child calls his/her step parent.  I don't have a problem with this, but someone else does, and I offered that person a possible solution to the problem.  You chimed in with some nonsense about a 5 yr old kid making the rules.

I don't constantly need to get in the last word.  However, if someone is going to post the kind of bs that you do, I'm not going to sit there and ignore it, just for the sake of your comfort level.

It is easy to determine how you provoked your ex into DV.

Good move, Davy.  While you're at it why not ask the men on this board what they did to their wives to deserve being abused?  You have got to be the poster child for the radical feminist movement.  You make Archie Bunker look like Dr. Phil with your undisguised hatred for the female half of the population.  Shall I call my daughters up and ask them what they did to their father to make him hit them, call them names, and kick their door and walls in?  Since the cat is awake, maybe I should discuss why the ex felt the need to kick him and the dog.  Angus had to have provoked him into doing it, right?  You're an asshole.  

I'm right here taking care of my kids, and wading through probate papers, and calling doctors and teachers for the kids.  I don't go to parties or bar hopping.  I'm right here with them, the washing machine, and the stove.   Exactly where a female should be, right? Maybe I should wear a burkha and paint the windows over too.  Maybe you should move the hell to the Middle East where the men are men and the goats are nervous.

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