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Marybeth,

Claims by anyone that "deadbeat dads don't exist" should be ignored. Of course, they exist. What you might be missing from the rhetoric is that there is a major problem with fathers being INVOLUNTARILY FORCED OUT of their children's lives.

I am one of them.

My child was taken from me with NO HEARING WHATSOEVER. The mother was awarded child support, and my daughter (now 7) has been completely without my care for more than a YEAR AND HALF. Although these matters have left me devastated and suicidal, I am never more than half a month late with the support checks. I recently learned that my daughter went through surgury when I was sent a medical bill. I have been in arrested three times, once for "failing" to pay $42.50 in my share of an insurance premium that I knew nothing about. (When the judge was told that I was never notified of the amount due, the judge replied "The court order doesn't SAY she has to send you any notification... it just says you're suppose to pay it." That makes ALOT of sense, doesn't it?!)

My daughter and I were always very close. In fact, a great deal of the mother's malicious spirit is no doubt in response to her jealousy from constantly hearing from our daughter how much she wants to live with me instead of her. Despite all of this, I still would support and encourage the relationship between my duaghter and her mother however I could.

Despite all the effort that this mother has undergone to alienate our child from me, and despite the fact that I pay what is due despite the obstacles put in my way by the mother to earn a decent living, she actually openly describes me to people as a "deadbeat dad".

I hope that when you hear UNBALANCED claims of any gender being any more or less of a parent to all of cur children, that you remember my story as well as yours, and stress to others that bad parenting is exclusive to NEITHER gender. Our job as [hopefully] good parents is to look after our children the best we can, and to fight against the injustices done to ANY parent, male or female, who puts their children first.

Thank you

Michael

I was orde red to pay attorney fees to my ex. When I did not, I was found in contempt of court and ordered to be incarcerated until they were paid in full.

I thought that it was un Constitutional to be imprisoned for a debt. Was something wrong done here? And, if so, having been imprisoned until the debt was paid, is there any recourse?

Thanks!

Thanks for those insights. VERY valuable... and what boards like this are best at!

When you asked the court for a psychological evaluation, did you mention NPD in particular, or did you leave that for the evaluation to diagnose. Since NPD is an observable behavioral pattern -- an externally-expressed pyschosis rather than an internal, or mental, neurosis, I don't see where it would be inappropriate to express an initial opinion. But, I don't want the court to think that I'm reaching a conclusion I have no business suggesting.

I guess what I'm REALLY asking is: How do you COMPEL the court to order an evaluation? It's entirely the court's discretion, right?

Thanks so much

When you asked the court for a psychological evaluation, did you mention NPD in particular, or did you leave that for the evaluation to diagnose. Since NPD is an observable behavioral pattern -- an externally-expressed pyschosis rather than an internal, or mental, neurosis, I don't see where it would be inappropriate to express an initial opinion. But, I don't want the court to think that I'm reaching a conclusion I have no business suggesting.

I guess what I'm REALLY asking is: How do you COMPEL the court to order an evaluation? It's entirely the court's discretion, right?

Thanks so much

Your advise is well-taken. I guess I am so familiar with this stuff that the relevance of it better known to me.

That she has threatened both me and her stepmother's attorney is without question. Her threat to me was over our child, and with her stepmother over money. In addition, she had formerly lived with her father and stepmother, and her stepmother was forced to move out over the altercations between them and the threats made by the mother to her. When she left the marital home, there was no doubt that she truly feared for her safety.

In the custody proceedings, I will certainly leave out any of the financial matters. I think I was a bit overzealous in stating them here in order to illustrate her degree of lawlessness in other matters, and how she reacts when her efforts are impeded. It is a characteristic of narcissism to lash out against others in reaction to their own failures at something. I've been a punching bag before for things which I had no part in. I'm not a anphysically weak person, nor am I a coward, but when one hears that "daddy has people who can take him out" (I assume that means they can kill me rather than buying me dinner), one becomes very concerned about raising a custody issue with a mother who might soon be confronting the consequences of other actions. At the risk of sounding paranoid, my family and I do not take our safety for granted when it comes to this person.

Again, your point is WELL TAKEN. Thank you.

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I guess it just feels good to have one's motivations validated. I've tried so hard to be amicable and friendly, even when she's demonstrated complete for me as an individual and as a father.

There are other issues involved which make her "dangerous". She's also recently been made a co-defendant in a divorce suit between her father and stepmother (that's unusual, isn't it!), as her father attempted to place large amounts of marital property in her name the same day he was served with divorce papers (fraudulent conveyance).

In addition, he transferred all of his personal property into a real estate company which he uses solely to finance his personal life and launder income. And then he made his daughter (the mother of my child) the sole shareholder. While telling the court he had "no assets of any kind", he used company money to buy himself a mountain resort home. He, himself, has no bank account, credit card, etc., using the company instead to pay his bills. He has filed no personal income tax return since 1992. Not long ago, the court pierced the corporate veil and declared his company an illegitimate front for the handling of his personal funds.

All the time, this man kept the truth of his activities away from his daughter. Not knowing the consequences of her actions, she borrowed heavily against this property, obtain large amounts of cash ($50,000) to pay off bills and credit cards. When she learned that her stepmother had filed a lis pendens with the court, preventing her from selling off any of the property as she had wanted to, she called her stepmother's attorney, yelling and threatening. They kept hanging up and she kept calling and eventually they told her that her calls constituted a threat against an officer of the court, and that if they continued she would be arrested.

I had entertained the idea of petitioning for custody several years ago, but was told by one sympathetic family member that the mother intended to make knowingly false claims of sexual molestation by me against my daughter if I did so. Another friend told me that she had said that if I caused her any trouble with custody that "daddy has friends who can take him out".  She's an introverted narcissist, and not typically "out of control", which only makes her more unpredictable. She's certainly not above making false accusations in order to get the state to cause trouble and impose her will. That fact brings me more fear that if she held a gun on me!

I just want to be a father. I don't care about her troubles with the IRS (she's chief financial officer and sole shareholder of an illegitimate corporation which doesn't file tax returns, and whose sole function is to funnel large sums of cash to its founder in the form of structured checks written by her to him labeled "loan reimbursement"), and I don't care about her. If we can be amicable, then great, but otherwise she needs to not get in the way of my relationship with my child.

Again, thanks for the encouragement. These are difficult things.

The technical details are a little unusual:

We were not married, but we each established through admistrative procedures (with the effect of a judgment) as, according to law, "equal legal parents with equal legal rights and responsibilities" in regards to our child. The mother and I do not have a formal legal custody agreement between us of our 9 year old daughter. She was three when we separated (mom left), and for three years, we amicably shared parenting time and duties. In fact, our child was in MY care quite a bit more than the mother's (well-documented), and I cared for her DIRECTLY, taking a job working out of my home, whereas the mother had her cared for by others. The mother, with ever more apparent narcissistic tendencies, grew increasingly jealous of her daughter's relationship with me, and angry over the idea of having to share "her" daughter. Despite my encouragement of her mother, our child had virtually no bond with her and was very verbal about wanting to live with me full time.

Three years ago, when mother's boyfriend broke up with her and refused to marry her, I was forced to take the fall. She took our child and moved away, refusing to tell me where she was or letting me see or talk to my girl. The entire time, though heartbroken, I never did anything foolish or threatening. It didn't stop her from getting a temporary restraining order when I found out where she was (about a hundred miles away). She filed two charges against me over a two month period, both of which were promptly dismissed. (One judge scolded her over making such a charge.) While they were pending, however, she was, on the basis of her accusations only, able to have the temp order made permanent.

I have written her attorney diligently every other week, requesting parenting time with my child. She has allowed maybe, on average, on day's visit every four or five months. Maybe a phone call every other month. After the first year, my daughter would call me in secret, sometimes crying for me to come and get her. These days, her spirits are good, but it she seems to blocked out all her emotions in regards to relationships.

The mother actually allowed us two weeks last summer (I think she needed the babysitter), and on that basis I thought things might get better. They have not.It's not been 8 months since I have seen my daughter. This woman is VERY unstable, and I have feared retaliations. My MANY pleas for an amicable resolution have gone unanswered.

Physically, my child is great. She had a VERY STRONG foundation, and it is that foundation which is serving her well now. Does great in school. But her mother is TRULY unbalanced, and has completely alienated our child from not only me but also from anyone with whom she has a conflict, both physically, emotionally, and pyschologically. I just fear that a court is going to look at her school record, she that her grades are good, and make me pay a ton of attorney fees to the mother and dismiss the case. Truly, however, it is the clear intent of this woman to, in every way, render this child COMPLETELY FATHERLESS.

Asking for joint custody will be a waste of time, as the mother's objection will be so strong the court will know it will not work (despite having been the norm for more than three years). Anyway, we live too far apart. "Minimal visitation" will only drive this woman to overtly, instead of merely passively, take steps to drive a wedge between my daughter and I. Thus far, the alienation has been slow and steady, facilitated by physical separation. If our daughter were to begin seeing me every other weekend, the mother's tactics would change and our daughter would be caught in the crossfire.

The only thing I know to do is to ask for sole custody and for the mother (and me, of course) to undergo psychiatric evaluation. Am I wasting my time with the courts, though, only to end up putting both my daughter and I in different dangers. Trust me... this woman is unpredictable and DANGEROUS in more ways than one!

John,

Can you email me privately?

[email protected]

Many of us complain about the family courts. Whle it's true that they leave MUCH to be desired, the people who put our families in the courts in the first place are our legislatures.... well-intentioned but uncreative laws dealing with complex issues. The way to make change is NOT in the courts, but with our laws. Sounds impossible? Absolutely not! That is what our legislatures are for!

I am in a position of being able to influence potential legislation aimed at preventing/punishing acts of parental alienation. PLEASE share your story with me via email. The more true life examples I have, the more influential I can be.

I no longer have the email account used to get set up in this forum. So, Please send a BRIEF outline of your situation as an alienated parent to:

[email protected]

Again, keep it brief (three short paragraphs) for now. I will respond if more information is needed. Please include what STATE you live in.

This is a chance for EVERYONE who is a victim of parental alienation to truly help out and do something. Please do not let this opportunity pass you by. You never know when YOUR story is the one which will push this effort over the edge.