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Messages - EyeInTheSky

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Hi Everybody..........everything is going GREAT here.  For those of you who are still in the trenches.....keep fighting and keep working in the child's/children's best interest!  It does pay off.

Some of you may remember that after several years of bitterness and fighting.... the teenage child came to live here (from MN to WI) about 4 months ago.  BM retained legal custody and gave BD and I physical custody.  The child has blossomed....it's incredible.

The child, BD and I all spoke to BM last evening.  The child happily chitt-chatted about what's going on in her life, looking forward to school and such.

I spoke privately to BM since POSSIBLY she and I get along better than BD and BM.  I don't know if this is true or not.......but then again I was not married to either of them.  LoL. (Did that make sense?)

Bottom line......... BM is ready to give total custody over to BD and I.  No kidding.  I guess she too sees the wonderful improvement in the child.  It's hard to miss.  The child is happy.......no more is she cussing (well NOT where we could hear her, lol) and her poor choices are at a minimum.

Neither BM or us want to hire attorneys.  Actually, we cannot afford it.  I am permanently disabled and draw SSD and my husband is temp. out of work due to a serious (non-life-threatening.....very painful though) medical condition.

The court order is in central MN.  Does anybody know if we both can come up with a Parenting Plan that is agreed upon, can this be used as a motion to modify custody?  I thought about taking a pre-fab one from this wonderful site and adjusting it to meet both parties needs.  Or, MUST an attorney for each party be present?

This is kind of dumb.......but since this is uncontested...... can the parties "split" an attorney?  Just somebody to either write the motion and present it...... JUST WHAT IS NEEDED?

I will call that counties court administrator for advice because I think there is only ONE judge for the entire county **rolling eyes** and see what HE likes.

Ok.... I admit.... I'm a little lost in this area.  Suggestions, comments (positive OR negative) are welcome.  If you have 2 cents.... we'd love to hear it.

Blessings and Thanks!

Custody Issues / RE: Advice needed, what would you do?
« on: Jun 23, 2005, 10:39:53 PM »
Boy can we understand how you feel....... pretty trapped. D***ed if you do and d***ed if you don't.

I'm no attorney....but I think the advise is pretty darn good.

I would also see what the laws about taping phone conversations in your state and her state are.  If everything is ok, I'd tape conversations.  Also, can you install an 800 home-phone number for the child's usage?  You can practice memorizing it with her.

Fingernail paint....... fun stuff like that.  You may choke...but what about if the child wears the paint....and brings a bottle of cheap stuff back to BM so she or they can have fun too.  Yeah, BARF, but it may help the child.

As far as a psych exam.........oh we went that route when the child was here 2 years ago for a visitation.  This was a total hassle......even though the child was threatening suicide.  We wanted a simple eval to see if this was a cry for help, a manipulation or what was going.  As stated above....the psychologist was NOT thrilled and he kept asking US if this was a custody issue.  NO, it wasn't dang it (at that time anyway).  He even put that in his notes. (rolling eyes)  Turns out the child, at that time, wanted attention and was using this as a manipulation. ~~~ This was not the case several months ago though.

Did you say the child comes to you every 2 weeks?  If so (again, I'm not a lawyer or psychologist) why NOT take her to see somebody just to listen to her?  A special friend.  Two week intervals between appointments is not uncommon.

Also...... can the child draw, write (like poetry) or anything like that to express herself?  Sometimes, literally, a picture is worth a thousand words.

Be warned though...... IN OUR CASE..... the child is a good girl (14 now) but very manipulative.  She's getting much better because she does NOT HAVE to do this any longer.  BUT when she was in BM's care.... she'd embellish on everything and become the Queen of Drama.  A simple hangnail would turn into a near amputation according to the child.  I'm NOT suggesting your SD is this way......but I thought I should mention this because our SD wanted to please us....so when we'd gently probe, she'd pick up on this and make things up.  Again, no offense is meant at all........ I just wanted you to know our past experiences.

I wish you all the best luck.......and many blessings to the child!

Custody Issues / Interesting I Thing ---- Re: BioMom
« on: Jun 23, 2005, 10:27:03 AM »
Hi Ya'll

BM called last night and spoke to the child. She asked child when the child was coming for a visit.  The child KNOWS it's up to BM to make the arrangements for visitation......so she says, "Whenever you come to get me."  NO RESPONSE from the BM.   Hmmmmm.

Next, BM asks the child, "so I hear you're going to school down there next year."  The child responds to the affirmative....... BM doesn't say anything to her.

History:  I TOLD BM that the child is very happy.... backed this up w/ report cards, activity reports, counseling/psych reports, volunteerism stats, etc...... when I said this BM indicated in a favorable way but NEVER said the actual words.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  I'm not patient.  Hold me back folks.  LOL

It's been such a long haul...... if this child is snatched back I/we will just croak.  She's doing EXCELLENT.

Feedback is appreciated!  THANKS.

Hi.......thx. for posting.  I will read as soon as a get a few extra minutes.

I did want to warn against using real names and such....... be careful and also watch out for the children.

Best of luck........ I'll be back to read though.

Custody Issues / Ya'All are right
« on: Jun 18, 2005, 05:41:54 PM »
First......about child support.  NO - NO SUPPORT.  Dag-nab-it.  The BM retains legal custody of the child therefore w/out going into court this cannot be changed.  This is my understanding from the support folks in that area.  The support folks HERE are looking into this though.  We are pretty darn broke....... but I wonder if if simply asking to help a little w/ the child's expenses would rock the boat too much?  What to ya'll think?

To answer your other question(s) about timing:

I get impatient....... that's all.  You both are right....bide my/our time.

I get very angry that after all this bullhockey with the limited visitation, kangaroo court, jumping through hoops of fire...... that NOW that the child is living HERE.... I want to make sure nobody takes that away.  SHE IS BLOSSOMING.  ~~~~  Ya know the saying, "blossoming like a flower?"  I absolutely know what is meant by that now.  The child personifies this.  We're so proud of her and the efforts SHE has made.

Now biomom...... I don't trust her.  I DO feel a bit bad in a way FOR her.  I know, I know..... I shouldn't.  She's caused so many problems and actually hurt the child.  Still....being a mother myself (mine son is in his mid 20's) I cannot help but wonder what the he** goes through her head when she does NOT contact the child.  Why hasn't she made any serious attempts to see the girl?  Heck, she could spend a week about 90 highway miles from here.....and was invited to stay here (or go to a hotel....which ever she felt) and we opened the house, the child's schedule.....EVERYTHING....... she didn't call, write or even acknowledge this more than saying things like, "We'll see."  Yet if this is ever brought up in court......she'll have a plausable explaination and I can guarantee it won't matter anyway.....like I said, it is a real kangaroo court.

Hopefully we won't need any of this.  I will start on a "Parenting Plan" for the mid August time to be given to the court when we all agree on the content.  I won't bring it up before it's time though.  I figure if I can have this ready.... at least I've been proactive.

I don't know if I mentioned in a previous post that the social worker from the county up there called recently.  She oversees the visitation issues and has the authority to make changes.  No need.....BM hasn't seen the child and I told her this when she asked.  She wasn't happy.  She KNOWS that when DH and I were the visiting (hate that term) parents we were there every opportunity that we were allowed.

I'll close this post w/ a request about the Parenting Plan that I'll have in the background.  I will use a template here and adjust as necessary.  Does anybody have any ideas if anything else should be added?

Thanks.....blessings, and HAPPY FATHER'S DAY (tomorrow)

Hi CustodyIQ,

So what you're saying is NOT to "ask" for full custody w/ BM right now and to wait until the mid-August time?  I totally understand your thought process.......... however I cringe at the kangaroo court system where this child is from and where the custody order is out of.

When we were in court a few years ago because BM didn't want to give any sort of visitation...... "Frustration of Visitation" issues abounded.  The BM stood before the court and didn't deny a thing.  The actually admitted to PAS also........ it was unbelievable.  When reminded that Frusration of Visitation is a felony (to BM)..... her lawyer interjected this: "that's not the way we do things in THIS county."  When a ruling was asked of the judge.... he said something close to, "It's not illegal in MY court/county."   Okkkkkk.

There was so much evidence against BM...... and the court turned a blind eye, even though she didn't even deny it one bit.  The ruling was that DH could travel the 2.5+ hours ONE WAY to get the child once a month. He had a 15 minute window to be at the designated spot.  He paid ALL expenses. ~~~  We asked for a GAL.....and the local Soc. Service was appointed.....ya know the folks BM bowls with, has child care with, etc.  No kidding.

This is why we do NOT trust a single one of them.

I've been VERY STUPID.  I have not been keeping phone records of the 3 or so calls the BM has made to the child. That averages 1x/month.  The child is ticked........ and it's hard to keep her on an even keel about her mom.  We keep telling her OF COURSE her mom loves her.... and maybe mom is just letting the chid spread her wings. ~~~ Honestly, that's what it may have started off as....and BM may have thought the child would come running back..... NOPE.  She's thriving and blossoming!!!!

Next... I'm going to assume that the counseling report showing her EXTREMELY LOW SCORES (extreme depression) when she arrived, to her above average scores now will help IF  a battle is needed.  I don't think it will be a battle though.

Also..... BM got in a bit of trouble.  She didn't tell the county child support folks that the child didn't live there any longer....... so when C.S. sent a letter here wanting a RAISE DH nearly stroked. HE called C.S. and happened to get the director in this very rural area.  She was furious....had BM come in that day or the next to sign paperwork stating NO support was due at all from the moment the child came here.  The case is closed now. (Yippee).

To sum up.....(LOL, sorry, I expounded)...... do you really think we should wait......or shall I sound BM out a little more?  She sounded pretty ok w/ most of this when we spoke on the phone.  Maybe an adjusted Parenting Plan w/ custody issues should be started on?

Thanks!!!!!!  Your help is wonderful.  Bless YOU.

Hi All......... it's been a LONG time since I posted on any board.  I was a bit skiddish because we believe somebody on a state board was actually related to BM. Uggg.

Anyway.... SMILE WITH US please. It's been a LONG uphill battle. DH was given only 1 w/e a month visitation in a midwest kangaroo court out in the middle of nowhere a few years ago. He had to also pay for all related expenses to see his child. This was a huge burden since we make relatively little money in the area which we live.......and BM and her brood do pretty dang well.  Ya know the type, gets every available state/public assistance but lives on nearly 20 acres of lakefront property, new vehicles, boats, ATVs for each plus all the kiddies.  

Anyway........the child, now a teenager was giving BM such a hard time that BM requested our assistance. We were HAPPY to help. Anything to get the child on the right path.

About 3+ months ago, BM and child were REALLY getting into it all the time. Verbal abuse was on both sides and occassional physical abuse by both parties.

BM decided to take us up on the offer to come and live HERE (**gasp**).  It must have been pretty bad!  However since the child has been here there has NEVER been any abuse or even a cuss word. Yeah, we're aware of the "honeymoon period" but that came and went a long time ago.

The child is in counseling and her psych scores have risen drastically since she's been here.  The counselor thinks she should stay.

We WERE set to discuss this with BM during the second week in August, but I do think the time is NOW to get this set into motion.  Until now, a p.c. written agreement has been in-place. We're fully aware this wouldn't hold up on court and BM COULD theoretically come and yank her back at anytime.

Ok folks........ BM is aware the child is doing well. BM is aware the child is happy. BM has NOT been to see the child at all. She once sent a check to put her on the bus for a w/e visit.....but the busses didn't meet.  The child would have had to spend 20 hours or so in a major metro bus station.  Ahhhh, NO, not on MY watch.

So how do you think this should be approached? Somebody suggested a parenting plan and get a court date.... and ask the judge to sign it. WHAT if BM won't do this? What if she wants to retail legal custody?  We HATE the idea of the child yanked back on a whim.  We NEED legal custody.....but don't want to scare BM off. ~~~  When I told BM last week that the child was (still) very happy and looking forward to H.S. HERE, she said, "Yeah, I figured that."  The tone was ok. ~~~ BUT we also know if she goes back for a visit right now.....they'll ALL work on the child to get her to change HER views.

There is SO MUCH more to saw.....this is so involved...and many eggshells are crossed daily.......but so far everything is FINALLY WORKING OUT.

Suggestions on how to handle a change in custody sure would be appreciated.


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