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Yeah, document it all in a journal.  At some point, you may be able to take action if it's serious enough.

In the meantime, find ways to blow off steam and/or take your mind off it.  What works for others may not work for you, and vice versa.

Options including finding a punching bag, working out, going for a run, getting a bottle of wine and a funny-as-heck video, go to a shooting range, vent and rage in an anonymous forum (e.g., this one), or talk to a counselor about it (but don't tell anyone you're seeing a counselor, so nothing is ever subpoenaed in the future).

If there was a magic pill, millions of us would be taking it.

Just cope as best you can, and in time you'll find that it bothers you less and less.  Eventually, it may even become comical.

Good luck.

Hi,

I think you've gotten some sound guidance here.

The one additional item I'll mention is that you need to comprehend that BM is not a reasonable person, and compromise simply doesn't work with people who are not reasonable.

Stick to the court orders, and your lives will be more peaceful.

Unfortunately, your family will have to learn to contact you first if it's important for your stepkids to be involved in family events that they're planning.

I also agree that a simple lettter, sent to BM, would be fine (you may also wish to purchase a lottery ticket, as you'll have better odds at success).

Letter from husband can be,  "BM, my sister-in-law is getting married on DATE, which is your custodial time with the kids.  If you're willing, I'll trade DATE for that weekend, so you have no loss of time with the kids.  Please recall the occasions I've accommodated your family events that have occurred during my custodial time.  If such flexibility is important to you in the future, I would hope you would be able to accommodate this request too."

Boom, done.

But other than that, you have no legal remedy, I don't think, unless SD is also getting a kidney transplant that weekend, and the bride is the donor, and the surgeon will be doing the operation while the wedding ensues all around the operating table.

Lesson learned (as we've all learned)... don't count on generosity or flexibility of the other parent for important family functions.

What do you hope to gain?

If the mother brings that relative with her, the relative is still present.

If the mother comes by herself but won't get out of the car for 30 seconds, what do you care?

If you withhold the children and insist on reading the letter of the law that it must be a parent who picks them up, the mother can go back to court and will likely have success in modifying it to, "Any responsible adult acting on behalf of the parent"

If you have extremely strong evidence that this relative is bad news (beyond minor badmouthing), it's your duty to protect the children from danger.  But you better be able to prove that the relative beats them if they don't repeat words of hatred about you (or have an expert testify that it's not in the children's best interest to be around that relative).

I think if you refuse to release the kids (which is traumatic to them), it's a very short-term gain and potential has a long-term negative impact on you.

Checks-and-balances is what you need to consider in the whole scheme.

>I get my son everyother weekend, We have a house in the
>Poconos where we enjoy boating, sailing , fishing,
>snowboarding etc.. and playing with his two other sisiters
>from another marrige.  He's 10 years old.  My Ex- Girlfriend
>just took me to court, because I take my son every other
>weekend to the Poconos.     Well, the judge ordered that I
>have to take him to anything my ex signs him up for like
>soccer, or baseball on one of my two weekends.  That means we
>can now only go up to the Poconos once a month!  And the
>kicker is that she doesn't have to take him to anything I sign
>him up for, like bowling on her weekends!  Talk about a double
>standard!!!     Hes content to play have the season, and come
>with his dad the other two weekends.   I thought that if its
>my weekend, I can do what I want with my son.  I don't tell
>her what to do on her weekends!  I don't get it!!!  
>Please help!!!!!!    


Well, to be clear, it means you "only" get to go to the Poconos 3 out of every 4 weekends (i.e., two weekends when son is not with you, plus one weekend when he is).  Must be a rough life.

Suck it up.  The judge made a decision.

This decision in no way will damage your son.  You're just upset that you can't get to do what you want to do.

If this is one of the most horrible things in your life, I strongly suggest that you adjust your perspective and be thankful for everything you have.

I think you should consult with an attorney because you're between a rock and a hard place.

A) If you allow the visitation on the upcoming weekend, you're suggesting that you don't think this is an emergency.

B) If you refuse the visitation, you're acting in contempt of court orders.


I agree that you'll want an "expert" (e.g., the behavioral specialist) to testify via affadavit or witness testimony that there are indicators of inappropriate activity at dad's house, and perhaps try to get temporary orders to eliminate overnights until further assessment.

That said, I'll also offer my two cents in another direction...

My ex has accused me of nearly every bad parenting issue except for molestation.

She took our (then 3 year old) daughter to a Master's level LMFT therapist who didn't specialize in child psychology.  The therapist reported that the child told her awful things about me.

My ex also produced a recording of a conversation she had with our daughter wherein I heard her lead the child through telling her that I lock the child in a room for long periods of time.

Consider:

1) I've passed polygraph exams disputing the accusations.

2) The child has sought comfort from me because her mother and the therapist were only happy when she says bad things about me.

3) The therapist admitted that the child never said negative things about me when the mother wasn't present.


So... you may truly be dealing with a crappy father.  Such things certainly happen, unfortunately.

But also, be clear that children want to please their parents.  If your child is trying to please you in what she says, then her words are questionable.

Back to your original question... consult with an attorney on best approach due to the sensitivity of the situation.

Yes to both.

But, again, present it in a very factual (i.e., non-emotional) way with an emphasis on best interest of the child.

E.g., "Here is one example of how it is impossible to know when I will be able to spend time with CHILD'S NAME... on December 11 this year, I came home to find this note on my car that is signed by STEPMOM.  Apparently DAD'S NAME decided to bring our daughter to my home-- with no advance notice or even a phone call.  I wasn't home, but I would have canceled anything if I knew he was bringing my daughter to see me."

and

"I suspect that it was all a set-up to let our daughter believe that I don't wish to see her."

BTW, in your situation, you better have pretty darn good documentation of how hard you've tried to see daughter, and how every attempt was thwarted by father.

Going a year without seeing a child is indicative of a problem, and the evaluator will need to report why.

You don't want his conclusion to be "Mother was disinterested."

Also, keep in mind that I'm not an attorney.  I'm just a seasoned child custody litigant who tries to help others.

Okay.

The evaluator is going to want to study the dynamics of all of you, and he'll likely report on it.

So... be calm, be polite.  You don't have to pretend that you're all best friends.

It's okay to stick up for yourself, but try to do it calmly.

E.g., if the wife says something unfair, a very appropriate response could be, "I understand that's your opinion, but we just have to agree to disagree on that."

If the child is present, it would be EXCELLENT if you can say something like, "Excuse me, I've never been through an evaluation before, but I just want to say I wish we can table this type of discussion while CHILD'S NAME is present."

Breathe, stay calm, don't accuse or attack, and be yourself.

And it doesn't hurt to greet your ex and his wife with a simple hello (i.e., rather than remaining silent when seeing them).

Assume that the evaluator will notice everything.  And you want that report to say you were calm, rational, and polite in that meeting.

Hi,

Can you clarify...

this is a custody evaluation, and the "doctor" is the psychologist who is conducting it?

Hi,

Note that I'm not an attorney, and you should consult one in your state to really nail down the issues you're facing.

Here's my opinion (as you asked)...

I don't see how a 2.25 hour greater distance suddenly changes a child's welfare so much as to warrant a change of custody; unless the new location is so far below average what is acceptable for raising children.  I'm guessing that's not the case.

You list only reasons why you're "better" than the mother.  Unfortunately, that's not good enough once custody is established.  The mother has to be largely unfit in some capacity before a judge would consider a custody change.

Voice recordings of the mother calling you a bad father without parenting skills?  Welcome to the vast population of parents who face conflicts in child custody.  It's not evidence of PAS.  It's evidence that the mother has a bad opinion of your parenting skills, true or not.

If that's your biggest argument against mom, I really don't see you getting custody.

You're not saying that the mother denies you access, you're not saying that the mother is physically abusive, you're not saying that the mother is an addict.  Those are biggies, but they're not in your case.

Also, your most recent orders were made in Sept 2005.  So, you don't stand much hope to say, "Look, the child was 2 when we made these orders, and she can now tolerate greater stretches of time in my home."

HOWEVER, I think you'd be very reasonable to now put most or all of transportation responsibility on the mother.  It's HER choice to move 3 hours away.  You shouldn't have to share that burden.

Given that you may not stand much of a chance at anything else via a motion, your best approach may be to try to negotiate (directly with mother) more summer and spring break time with your daughter in exchange for agreeing to the move if the mother is responsible for X% of the transportation (i.e., ranging from 0% to 100%, whatever you negotiate).

Also consider that your daughter is going to start hating those long 3-hour car rides four times a month.  Sucks for her.

Another option is for you to move to that new town, and try to negotiate more frequent visitation, given that you now live 2 miles from the mother.  Judge may go for that too.

Guy,

I'm not quite sure what buttons I pushed, but clearly you're projecting quite a bit of your own issues upon me.

You are the ONLY person who has ever expressed dissatisfaction to me for the help I try to provide to folks who are seeking feedback.

Further, I also happen to be a moderator on another board that offers support to fathers facing divorce and child custody issues, and it's a board run by a law firm.  (i.e., they apparently don't think that I'm a feminazi, per your atrocious, bigoted term -- do you even contemplate how offensive it is to call someone a Nazi?!).

It's possible that they're all wrong, and you're right.  But not probable.

There is a far cry between accountability and vindictiveness.

I suggested that a mother may want to hold a seeming deadbeat father accountable for failing to comply with court orders.  The father in that case is the only one responsible for consequences that will befall him.

Not all fathers are good fathers.  Not all mothers are bad mothers.  And not every situation is identical to yours, Gipsy.

But if you get some sort of satisfaction trashing people who disagree with your perspective, I guess that's what you must do.