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I finally have a copy of the Motion the Judge signed last Friday.  It is asking to change primary custody from Mother to Father, permanently, and terminating child support payments.  Stated is a material change in circumstances, we have the child at least 50% of the time, and continued custody with the Mother is unsafe.

Hearing is this Friday, 10:00 a.m.  THIS IS the big show!  

What do we expect, now?  

Thanks for your insight!

THANK YOU!  

Your response has gone a long way to ease my mind!

"If she can show that the fires were a fluke, and that there is no reasonable likelihood of another, then the court must dismiss. If not, then the orders will likely stand."

Clarification:  just the TRO, or the full custody?  

The fires are still under investigation, and the fire investigator says at least two of the three were definitely set.  

And the move to for a permanent custody change has already been made, also, based on how much time we have daughter, and have her in a stable home situation.  

Thanks for your insight!  I am just (overly?) concerned.  

Background:  I WAS the NCP of a 6yo daughter.  As of Friday, I have temporary custody, and a TRO.  This is due to 3 fires at the Mother's hosue in the last week (house has been foreclosed, and she is being evicted.)  Judge agreed child is in danger!  Hearing is Friday morning.  

Now, questions:

1.  We have avoided taking Mother's phone calls during this time; should we let daughter talk to her Mom, or not?

2.  I have been told hearing Friday is basically a formality, unless she can prove it was done in error.  Correct?

3.  Now, the biggie:  BM has threatened to bring up all sorts of things from our past, regarding sexual situations, use of sex toys, etc.  Can this be brought up in court, or is it a non-issue?  I do not deny a highly charged sex life in our short marriage, but she was a willing participant.  Will the judge take any of this into consideration?  

4.  Mother is now in the process of moving in with her Mother and Step-Father.  We have a stable homelife, and have records to prove we have had daughter the majority of the time for the past 3 years.  What, in your opinion, are my chances of making me the permanent custodial parent?  

Thanks, in advance, for your advice!  I am really torn right now, and just want to be sure my daughter is safe!  

I understand, and please don't think I was saying you were wrong.  It's just my opinion, based on my experience, that the more detail in the orders the better.  Less frustration and (usually unproductive) discussion that way.  We did not submit a parenting plan; if so I would have wanted everything spelled out.  The Judge gave his orders, and that's what we live with.  Fortunately, he covered most of the bases for me.

I agree with most all above, except for this:

>Should it stop working, then we will
>go to court and get it spelled out.

My thought is to get EVERY detail possible spelled out in the court orders, then adjust to meet the needs better after the fact.  Does that make sense?  

Example:  I am the CP, and BM has court ordered time:  EOWeekend and Wednesday after school, plus alternating holidays and four weeks in summer.  Then, based on child's wishes, I give additional time with BM when possible.  When BM behaves herself, she gets additional time; when she acts up, she gets only court ordered time.  When daughter wants to see BM more, I try to accomodate, even though BM doesn't do what she is supposed to do (a LONG story!).  But there are times I have to explain to daughter that though BM "says" she ISN'T getting to see you enough, it's because she CHOOSES not to get you when she is supposed to.  Thankfully, daughter is old enough (age 9) and smart enough to understand that.  Just trying to take care of daughter, regardless of BM's problems.  

So, my thought is to include as much detail as possible, rather than plan on another court visit to make corrections.  

We also deal with a BM that is less than truthful, and also prone to tell our daughter things that she really doesn't need to know (she is now 9).  Such as, at the age of 5, her Mom had a hysterectomy, and described it to DD in vivid detail.  And BM wanted to bring her uterous home in a jar (told Dr. it belonged to her!), to show the kids.  Heck, DD couldn't even pronounce the words!  But she did know their DOG (whom BM insisted was DD's "sister") had the same procedure done.  Talk about crazy!

My opinion is don't "change the subject".  Let SS talk, as much as you can stand it anyway.  That's his way of "getting it off his chest", and therefore dealing with the subject.  We correct the information IF we believe DD is being harmed by the mis-information.  If the lies only affect BM, we let them ride; we just shake our head when DD tells what BM has said, maybe chuckle a little, and let DD figure it our on her on in due time.  But, if lies concern us, and our relationship with DD, then we correct (to the extent DD can understand, anyway).  

Example, just recently SM, my older daughter and DD9 were going shopping, and DD brought up the "fact" that BM is "giving" Dad money for her college fund.  They asked what she was talking about, that BM isn't giving Dad money for anything.  I did not ask for child support, and did not receive anything as BM had not worked for 3 years prior to my receiving custody.  BUT, SM has recently been approved for disability, and was incensed that I was to receive a check for DD's benefit.  Called me everything in the book, and claimed I was taking HER money; but I never asked for anything, nor was I aware she had applied for benefits for DD.  So, wife explained (and older daughter confirmed) that the "government" was giving Dad money, which was being spent to take care of DD's needs (such as the new dresser for her room, and lots of new clothes, including some she had taken to BM's house!).  But that Mom had never PAID anything to Dad!  Then, they let it drop, for DD to mull over. Evidently, BM was telling SD that she "told" SSA to send money for Dad, and he was supposed to be putting it in the bank for her college fund.  (We think BM would like that, and if she ever got custody of DD, the "college fund" would come with her, JMHO!).

I don't know why BM's do this.  I feel, in our case, BM has lost control and will do anything in her power to regain control, or make it as hard as possible on me because of it.  Yes, there are PAS symptoms at work.  Things like "You took me away from my Mom", and "Mom misses me and doesn't get to see me enough" (although BM doesn't take all the  time when she is supposed to have DD).  I know my battle will be ongoing for another 9 years, and beyond!

Hang in there; we just try our very best to consistantly reassure DD that "everybody" loves her, and all we want to do is make sure she is taken care of.  

Very well put, Mamacass.  That's all I was trying to say, in my not so tactful way.  Change of custody, based on a future event, seems a bit far fetched.  And Fathers can be supportive, and compassionate, as well as Mothers.  JMHO

Sorry, I guess I didn't say it very tactfully; but, hey, it's the way guys think!  

Had to chuckle through this one!!!  

Have three girls myself, and we made it through the first two with no problems (btw, we had joint, every other week).  Youngest is 9 (I have custody), so my time is coming on that one.  And I can almost hear her BM with some lame excuse like this one.  If she taken care of her, she would have still had custody instead of me.  

Now, the other side of the coin.  Can you imagine BM's response if NC-Dad used a similar excuse with sons?  Sort of like, "little Johnny is maturing, and starting to get erections, so I think he needs to be with ME"; you know, Mom, just so I'll be there in case he has a "wet dream""?  Bet that one wouldn't fly with custodial BM, now would it?  What a joke!

Yes, parents should have compassion and understanding for their kids, and give a little extra when they need it.  But legal action, based on a future event seems a little far-fetched to me.  JMHO