Messages

Thanks for the support guys.  For the most part, I know and practice what you all are telling me.
I already have a parenting plan in place, as written by the Judge.  It carries most of what was suggested above, but in slightly different verbage.
As to visiting the doctor, that gets done too.  I call him up when one of these "incidents" occur.  I have to, because I know I can't trust BM to tell me the truth, and she doesn't even tell me about half of the Dr. visits to begin with.
I've also started having every exchange video taped.  Right now she doesn't know about it, and I'm weighing whether or not to tell her. Our state is a single party state when it comes to wire-tapping, so I know I'm legal in taping calls, exchanges, etc.
My biggest frustrations are these: It takes so long to get before the Judge, and even though we have an order in place, the BM keeps breaking it.  And as far as contempt is concerned, what does this accomplish?  Other than a fine, what does she get, a slap on the wrst?  And I've even asked my atty about getting back lawyers fees, and he says we would probably win them, but if she claims to have no money then I'll never see a red cent.
anyway, thanks again.  I keep meaning to post a detailed "this is what all I've been granted by the court" kind of post, and maybe that's what we need.  Is there a thread with everyone's stories about what they done, what they've been granted, etc?  It might be helpful to know what's reasonable and what's never going to happen.

So last weekend I was suppossed to have parenting time, I have it every three weeks from Friday morning till Monday evening.  On wednesday my attorney calls me and tells me he just got a fax from BM's attorney stating that our son had an ear infection in both ears and could not visit with me.  Arrangements were made to reschedule for this weekend.
This evening I get a call from BM stating that son still has an infection in one ear and can not travel.  She offers to let me parent with him in hometown, but this is an empty offer since she knows that I have to work each evening during this weekend.
I even asked if my mother, who was going to be transporting son to me anyway, and my wife could come to town and exercise the visit, and she refussed.
Every time there is a visit scheduled she is telling me my son is sick and shouldn't or can't come.  The last time I fought her on it and visited him anyway I ended up being assaulted when I brought him home at the end of the weekend.
We were scheduled to have a Satus hearing in two weeks, but my attorney has cancelled that because there is so much stuff we have to bring in front of the Judge that the 15 minute hearing won't be nearly long enough.  I'm really worried that BM will keep frustrating visits until we get back to court, which probably won't be until at least January.
I haven't seen my son in 4 weeks now, won't see him next week because BM has Thanksgiving this year, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the visit the first week of December will get cancelled too.
I'm so fed up I could scream.  The court has given me time with my son and I can't even exercise it because BM does crap like this.  I document, and I am preparing an all out legal assualt for when we finally get into court, but how long do we sit back and say that putting all of this off is in the child's best interest?  how long do we say that nothing can be done outside of the courtroom, and so therefore she has the ability to keep him away from his father in the several months between hearings?
I really just needed to vent, and it's very satisfying to keep referring to this she-demon as a BM.

Amen brother.
Keep up the fight, as hard as it may seem.
It feels to me like each dad who gives in and walks away puts us two steps further back than we just were.
Someday our Rosa Parks will refuse to move, and the tide will turn towards equity in father's rights.  Maybe you can be that person. Maybe I can.  But not if we don't all keep fighting.

OK, so I am slowly but surely beginning to really hate the way things are set up.
At our final hearing back in June, the court ruled that back support would be due the mother, minus traveling expenses I had incurred, for the months when I wasn't paying child support.  There had been about 11 months I didn't pay anything because we had not established paternity yet.  Once we established paternity and the court set support, I have always paid on time.
Well, the BCSE never adjusted the statements that they sent me, and I did not know when/how to start makeing payments on the back support.  Legal fees being what they have been, any reserves I had are now gone and I am going to have to pay off back support a little at a time each month.
Yesterday I got the letter from BCSE saying I am over 6 months past due to pay the back support and they can take my license away if I'm not paying.
Well, come to find out that is a blanket letter they send, and I am not in danger of loosing my license.  They will do a standard repayment option through my employer to begin working on the back support amount.
What really chaps me though is that until the entire amount is paid in full, they will report my account as being over 6 months past due, each month.
Now, I have always paid on time, I have always paid the full amount owed, but that doesn't matter.  The court order decreeing back support isn't even 6 months old, and that doesn't matter either.
They told me that this system was set up as a way of going after fathers who don't pay their support, and unfortunately there is no system in place for fathers who aren't deadbeats.  So even though I am making my payments, I still get a hefty mark against my credit every month until the back amount is paid off.
So, I get punished with bad credit reports because of policy that assumes every man is going to be guilty of not paying.
This is exactly the kind of discrimination that I am getting so tired of experiencing, hearing about, and reading about.
Yes, there are deadbeat dads out there.  But there are also crack-whore moms too.  
Guys, what can we do about this?  I seriously feel like a minority that is being discriminated against by the government.  Women fought for civil rights and have won them.  People fo color fought for civil rights, and have made great strides in acheiving them.  when will fathers get together and begin fighting for our civil rights too?
I'm seriously thinking about filing a class action suit against the child support system in my state for discrimination and fraud. (They use a calculation that rounds income up instead of down, thus defrauding thousands of people out of money each year.)

OK.  So I'm hoping for a little legal advice here.
My attorney has suggested that I bounce his conservative strategy off some other attorneys and see if they agree that what he's doing is in my best interest.
I am a father who wants custody.  Throughout the past year I have been subjected to verbal assualt by the BM's parents, lies, threats, harrassment, and all other manner of things which I believe show the BM is not a good parent and does not offer the best home for our son.
My attorney doesn't want to make a case for requesting custody yet.  He believes we should keep building our case brick by brick, slowly until it is too monumental to deny.
In a way, I agree, but I also fear for the mental and physical well being of my child while we build this case.  I also believe that the older he gets, right now he's just 21 months old, the bigger our case will need to be.  Right now, moving into daddy's house won't be nearly as traumatic for him as it might be when he is 5 years old and has become accustomed to the abuse he receives at home.
Does anyone else have an opinion?  My attorney thinks if we shoot for the moon now and loose that the judge will be biased towards me and always suspect that I am nit-picking at everything the BM does to try and get custody.  I am inclined to disagree, but I promissed him I would feel out some other opinions before asking him to change his strategy.

An update on what's been going on.
My attorney wants to "put this cookie in the cookie jar" and let them pile up so we have a stronger case when the jar is overflowing.
Meanwhile, cookies keep piling up.
I've had no contact with the BM since the assault.  Our attorneys agreed on a neutral location for pick ups and drop offs, and I sent her a letter letting her know that this weekend's visit would go as normally scheduled.  I also told her that if she calls me and I don't answer, to be sure and leave a detailed message, and anything short of that would not get a returned call.
Well, last night of course she decides to test me.  One call with the message "This is ____. Call me back."  So I did not call her back.
Today I get an email from my attorney telling me that the BM's attorney called him, that she has been trying to get in touch with me, and that my son is sick and has meds that need refridgerating.
Long story short, he is "sick" everytime it is my weekend coming up, and miracle of miracles never shows any signs of being sick when he's with me.  mind you, he's 20 months old, so I know he's not faking it to her to avoid coming.
Well, my attorney is calling for a court date and we are hopefully gonna finally put an end to this nonsense and harassment.

An update on what's been going on.
My attorney wants to "put this cookie in the cookie jar" and let them pile up so we have a stronger case when the jar is overflowing.
Meanwhile, cookies keep piling up.
I've had no contact with the BM since the assault.  Our attorneys agreed on a neutral location for pick ups and drop offs, and I sent her a letter letting her know that this weekend's visit would go as normally scheduled.  I also told her that if she calls me and I don't answer, to be sure and leave a detailed message, and anything short of that would not get a returned call.
Well, last night of course she decides to test me.  One call with the message "This is ____. Call me back."  So I did not call her back.
Today I get an email from my attorney telling me that the BM's attorney called him, that she has been trying to get in touch with me, and that my son is sick and has meds that need refridgerating.
Long story short, he is "sick" everytime it is my weekend coming up, and miracle of miracles never shows any signs of being sick when he's with me.  mind you, he's 20 months old, so I know he's not faking it to her to avoid coming.
Well, my attorney is calling for a court date and we are hopefully gonna finally put an end to this nonsense and harassment.

Moving any closer really isn't an option.
There are way more job ops for both me and my wife in this area, and very few in my son's hometown.
Secondly, the town my son is growing up in is quickly deteriorating.  WV has always been a depressed state, plagued with troubles in employment, education, etc etc.  Huntington itself has become a mecca for gangs and drug trafficing and the violence and crime rates have steadily risen over the years.
Personally, I would like my son to not have to grow up in that area, but if I can't control that, I can at least live in a place where he can see an alternative as he is growing up, and hopefully that will influence his own decissions later in life.
I haven't looked into local support groups yet.  I'm usually very busy, and so having time even for once a week meetings is pretty tough.  I will always make time for my son of course, but that's about as much flexibility as I can work into my schedule.  That's why on-line based groups are way more appealing to me.  I can come talk on my own schedule and not worry if I miss a meeting.

The reason I didn't pay for anything while she was pregnant, or even after until it was settled in court, was because I had a firm belief that I was not the father.
When the BM got pregnant, what she was telling me wasn't making sense.  Anytime she talked about being pregnant and how far along she was, she always added a week or two to the number.  Considering I knew exactly what date we had had sex on, her numbers weren't making it seem like I was the dad.  Add to that the fact that only after she became preggers did I find out about another boyfriend she had, whom she said wanted to marry her.  Well, all of that made me very suspicious, and I wasn't going to start paying bills for what might be someone else's baby.
After the paternity test came back, I have never had misgivings about paying my support.

You ask what are my goals with my son?  I want us to have a strong relationship.  I want him to grow up healthy, both physically and emotionally.  I want him to have everything I can possibly give him.  And I want him to be safe and happy.

I would love to have full custody of him.  I honestly believe I could provide for his emotional, intellectual, and physical well being MUCH better than his BM or his BM's family.  I think the incident that occured Monday just proves that there is a history of abuse and neglect in that family, and I do not want my son growing up in that environment.

The BM has a brother my age.  We actually went to school together which is how I knew the BM to begin with.  He is 34 years old, has never moved out of his parents home, has never had a serious romantic relationship, and only recently began working for himself.  Up until that point he lived completely off his parents.  

This is what I am afraid will become of my son being raised by this family.  They feed on created dependance.  I want my son to be independant when he grows up.  I want him to have a sense of self worth and accomplishment.  I want him to have a conscience and a soul.  All of these things are missing from everyone of the BM's family, and I know that left to their own devices that is what will become of my son as well.

Well, this is taking place in West Virginia.
I live in North Carolina, and that's one of the issues is that there is such a distance between us.
When she got pregnant, we both lived in Texas.  As soon as I refussed to pay her rent and medical bills during the pregnancy, she ran back home to West Virginia to sponge off of Mommy and Daddy.  She was even dumb enough to write that up in a Response to Appeal, that her mother and father have supported her and son since his birth. Anyway...
Once I knew she had moved, and an opportunity to move closer came up, I moved as close as I could without having to move back to my hometown in WV.
I had heard somewhere that sometimes you can petition for a change of venue based on where the child was conceived.  Does anyone know if that's true?
In WV the courts side with the mom, especially on last name.  But Texas is a little more old fashioned and would probably make her change the baby's last name.  Does anyone know if I could move to have the venue changed to Texas, since that's where she got pregnant, and at that time I had a reasonable expectation that any child I fathered would be born under Texas law?