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Quick question, if anyone knows.  BM lives with her parents.  Now we got custody 6 months ago and have just filed for CS.  I have a feeling she's going to lie on her paperwork to get out of paying money.  

Right now she gets disability but doesn't have any household expenses that we know of since she move back in to her parents house.  If she claims to pay rent, is there some way to make her prove that she has to pay rent there?  Do her parents have to claim the rent $ on their taxes?

We don't want to be petty, but when it comes to child support we've been screwed harshly in the past and we will be paying for that for years to come.  I just want to make sure we've put ourselves in the best position to make sure my SS has everything he deserves, (even if most of it ends up in his savings account for when he turns 18).

Thought this was kind of neat.  As a stepmom sometimes I feel like a glorified babysitter.  I called SSI the other day, because now that we have custody of SS we want to make sure that his mom isn't misusing the check she gets for him.  She is on disability and as you know, she gets a check for her and one for SS.  

Anyways,  I wasn't sure if she needed to let them know that she is no longer taking care of ss (she gets 6 weeks of visitation a year), or if this was something we could do.  I'm pretty sure that if we wait on her, it'll never happen.  Well the lady I spoke with said all my husband needs to do is bring the custody papers down there and apply to be SS's designated payee.  And she suggested that if I'm the one who handles our paperwork and affairs that I be listed as the designated payee.  

This kind of caught me off guard, because as a step-parent to actually be in charge of anything for SS is unheard of.   I filled out all of SS paperwork for school and soccer, but I couldn't sign any of it.  In fact there's a spot for Dad's info and a spot for Mom's info, but no spot for me.  I'm just the emergency pick-up person.  

It's nice that SSI will actually recognize me as someone who takes care of SS.  But you want to know something weird- even though it makes sense for me to be the designated payee, I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with it.  I'm afraid it will look like I'm trying to get his money.  and I guess years of not being able to sign anything for my SS, a part of me feels like that lady couldn't have been right.  Didn't SSI get the memo that apparently everyone else got? the one that tells them to treat step parents like babysitters? Sure, we can take care of the child, but don't let us actually make any parental decisons.  

Sorry, I guess this kind of turned into a vent.  I just meant to put some info out there about disability since I saw a few posts about it.  Hope you guys don't mind.

Right now I have an order that awarded me custody of my son and the mother very limited visitation (less than the standard for my area).  However, it in no way mentions legal custody.  I assume since it only lists visitation for the mother that there isn't joint legal custody at this time.

BM has appealed the courts decision, and now we are actually working through our attorneys to try to settle outside of court before the next trial.  She is not trying to get physical custody, just more visitation.  She sent an offer with her proposal for a new visitation schedule which includes giving her joint legal custody.

We have answered her proposal with our own modified version.  One of the things we disagree on, is the joint legal.  As our attorney explained it, joint legal means that we communicate about the child.  We all, my attorney included, had a good laugh over that because communication with the BM is extremely difficult at best and usually impossible.  

Now supposing that BM doesn't agree, and this goes to court, can you help me understand the joint legal thing better?

1. Since the current order doesn't list legal custody at all, does that mean I currently have full physical and legal custody?

2. Do we have to agree on everything if we have joint legal custody?  I'm not sure I fully understand what joint legal means, perhaps you can give a short explanation?  

3. What would some reasons be that a court would deny joint legal custody?  

We were given custody in September and BM appealed the courts decision, so we have the appeal date set for next month.  The original decision gave BM visitation of 1 month during summer, 1 week at Christmas and Mother's Day weekend.

Since September, BM has moved back to the area to be closer to our child, so I have allowed her to see him on night a week for 3 hours, and every other weekend.

We feel pretty good about our case going into the appeal.  While BM has improved some situations, she has also has gotten worse in other areas.  Since we have had my son for the majority of the time since last June, and I have a stable household, I feel that I will be able to keep custody.

The only improvement I can see BM gaining from this whole thing, is increasing her court ordered visitation.  

So with that in mind, I thought about offering to go to mediation and offer to make the amount of visitation I'm already giving her official through the courts, and asking in turn if she will withdraw the appeal.  This would save me some time, stress, and a lot of lawyer fees.  

1.Would there be any reason that I shouldn't offer this?  

2. Would this hurt my case, if she declines?  


By the way, one of the weekends that I would give her next month falls on a weekend that I have a huge family function, that includes relatives coming from out of the country.  If I offer to trade weekends, it would have to be for the weekend after, because we have plans for the weekend before.

I would give her the option of saying no, but my son really wants to go, and I would hate for him to miss out.  It's not something that can be rescheduled.  She has asked on several occasions to switch days for her convenience, and I have obliged every time.  

3. Even though it isn't court ordered time, is the court going to frown upon me trading weekends with her when she doesn't want to?  

4. And as a related question, will the courts view it as  a bad thing that I have set up a regular visitation schedule?  (I just wanted to provide some stability for my son so that he knows when he gets to see his mom)

We were awarded custody in September and the mother appealed.  the appeal date is set for February (5 months after the initial decision).

In Virginia, an appeal is not a review of the original decision.  The appeal is to rehear the case in front of a higher court.  So from what I understand it's like we have to prove all over agian to the courts why they should change full custody from the mother to the father.

1. Since we have had the child for the last 5months (and a substantial amount of time even when she did have custody), will the courts look at him living with us being the status quo?



Also, she has been known to lie in court.  How much weight does the "he said she said"  carry with a judge? Or is it more about what you can actually prove happened?

Court ordered me to pay c/s starting 04/03.  In 05/04 my ex and I came to an agreement outside of court that we would share joint custody, with the child spending 2 weeks with us then 2 wks with her.  We also agreed that neither party would request child support to the other and she agreed to cease the request for child support.  
She said she didn't want to go through the courts, and I was afraid that if I pushed the issue she would change her mind.  Instead, we made a contract which we eached signed and we had it notarized.  She also acknowledged the arrangement in a letter she wrote to me 11/05.
Now I have filed for (and won) custody, and in turn she has filed a show cause for c/s in arrears since 5/04.  

1.  How much weight does the notarized agreement carry with the court?  (Is it enough to have the show cause dismissed?)

2.  If the court orders me to pay back c/s, can it be adjusted since it was calculated to include child care, which she hasn't paid since around 5/04?

3.  Will the courts subtract for expenses I have paid?  (I have some receipts for clothes I purchased for my son for my house and for her house.  Also, my son has attended daycare since 5/04, but I paid the bill.)

We have filed a motion (in Virginia) to stop relocation and also to change custody from the mother to the father.  We received our summons on August 7th and assume that the BM had hers delivered the same day.  Now since she's looking to move, she was actually out of town until the 12th (looking at houses and preparing for her move).  Last night she called the house to talk, but acted like she never received the summons!  We are pretty sure she has received it b/c of some of the comments she made, but she never directly mentioned it.  We think she is going to pretend she never got it.  

1. If she says she didn't get it, and doesn't show up for court, does this mean the case gets drawn out longer, or do we automatically win?

2.  Should we give her a copy of the summons so as to keep her from pretending she didn't receive it?

We live in the state of VA.
So this isn't your normal custody question, but I'm hoping you can help.  We are preparing for our custody case, and have come into some information that my son's mother is currently on bail, awaiting a hearing for a class 1 misdemeanor (something to do with a firearm.)  Now she has been in and out of the state, b/c she is planning on moving.  I didn't think that was allowed, and I'm hoping its not, because then she won't be able to take my son out of the state until she clears up her issues.  See questions 1a and 1b

second thing, we found out that she has a record from about 2 yrs ago for being drunk in public, and a DWI a month later.  See question 2

1A. If you are out on bail, are you allowed to leave the states?
1B. If this isn't allowed, who would you call to make an anonymous tip?

2. Is this still relevant in a custody case to show a history of instability, or is this too old to matter?

I'm gonna try to keep the background as short as possible.  

We live in Virginia, and currently so does the BM.  At this time she has full custody and we have standard visistation rights.  

Outside of the courts, we had an agreement 5/04 for son to spend equal time with each parent (in 2 week increments) and for no child support to be paid by either party.  This continued until 9/05 when son started school.  To provide more stability, the agreement changed to Monday through Thursday nights and 1 weekend a month with mom, and the remaining weekends with me (starting Friday when school lets out and ending Monday mornings when dropping him off at school.)  As well as Son spends 2 months during summer with me, and we alternate holidays.  Of course on several occasions during the school year I kept son for entire weeks (whenever our schedule allowed), and also several of our weekends ran through Tuesday or Wednesday b/c his mom wasn't feeling well, or was busy.  

By the way, mom doesn't work, she is on disability (not sure if for back problems or her bi-polar).  Although the school in my district is much better, going to school with her meant he didn't have to attend daycare after school.  Even though I would have rather him go to school in my district with his friends and cousins, I tired of arguing and gave in to mother so that he could go to school in her district.  

BM has shown a pattern of instability in her relationships.  She has been married 3 times (including to me originally).  The most recent marriage lasted from 10/05-2/06 (this includes the month that they dated before marrying).  She also had a relationship between her 1st and 2nd marriage with a man who she had a child with and gave up for adoption.  

On the other hand, my wife and I have been together for over 5 years, and we have 4 y/o son and another child on the way.  

Several weeks ago, BM informed me that she is planning to move to NC (3 1/2 hours away) and wanted to discuss taking son with her.  We have had a few discussions about the move since then, but did agree that it wouldn't be mentioned to Son until a decision had been finalized between us.  She broke this agreement a few nights ago, and called at bedtime, and informed son that they were going to move to NC in a few weeks.  He was pretty upset.  We have seen had some more discussion w/ BM and she has said that she is definitely moving and is 100% set on Son going with her.  She says this is going to be a fresh start for her, and an opportunity for Son to attend a better school.

We believe the whole basis of this move is her current boyfriend.  (They started dating around 5/06 and he is moving back to his hometown since he is getting out of the military.)  She doesn't have any other family there that we know of, but has said she has a bunch of friends down there.  Honestly, I don't think there's anyone down there she's known for more than a few months.  

We have compared the elementery school in the district she is moving to and in our district and the testing scores are comparable.  Also all of Son's extended family (on BM, BF and SM's side) live within 20 minutes of my home.  He is very close to all of his extended family.  

We have told BM that we don't agree witht he move, but if it is such a great opportunity for her we are happy for her, but feel that son should stay in Virgina where he has always lived.  She has told us that a child's place is with thier mother, and since we have 2 other children it's only fair that we let her have the Son.  We seem to be at a point where there will be no compromising and we will have to involve the courts.

I want to keep son in this area, and want to file for custody.  

1.  How can I keep her from moving to NC with son when he goes back to  her in a few weeks?

2.  Should I enroll him in school in my district at this time?

3.  How do I file for custody?

3a.  What do I list as reason for filing for custody- her impending move, her instablity, her mental condition?  I'm not sure if its better to list a bunch of reasons, or just the main few.

4.  She has not provided 30 day advanced written notice of her new address as law requires, is this important or do the courts really care?

5.  What are the things we need to prove to the court to keep son from being relocated?

6.  If we get the order to keep son here, and she moves anyways, does this mean that we get custody by default?  

7. Is relocation and custody 2 separate trials?  Or will they be heard together?

thanks so much!

My husband and I have through the VA courts visitation rights of his son.   Unfortunately when his ex-wife got custody it was under the premise that she was worried we would take son away from her, so DH ignorantly agreed to her request to give her custody through the courts.  

Since that order 5 years ago, BM has gone back and forth between feeling the child should spend half his time with DH and telling DH he is a weekend dad.  She also in May of 2003, and May of 2004 told us she was going to sign over custody and give her visitation rights to her parents, but then would call back after a few days to take back her
offer.  Each time ended up in increasing the time that son was scheduled to be with us each month.  In May 2004, she signed (and we had notarized) a two weeks here/ two wks there agreement, that also stated there would be no child support paid by either party.

DH and I have tried to be understanding and work with BM as much as possible for the sake of the child.  DH was raised by his mother and knows the importance of the relationship a child has with his mother.  We have allowed the child to be enrolled at school in the town BM lives, and now have child 3 weekends and 1 week of each month.  However we have recently asked for her to allow the child to live with us as we feel that we have a better environment and more stability to offer the child.

BM has a mental illness that she must take medication for. One of the side offects of the medication is memory loss; In the last month she has "forgotten" 3 conversations with us.  One of these conversations was about changing the times son would switch houses.  Also because of her illness, the child lived with us 9/04-2/05 and spent 2 wknds each month w/ BM because she was in and out of the hospital.

We have mentioned her smoking in the house, and the child has asked her not to smoke in the house.  DH is a smoker, so we aren't asking BM to quit.  We are simply asking that she not smoke in the house b/c child has allergies that seem to flare up only when he is at her house.

BM has also been married twice in two years and each time we are notified when son comes over and announces he has a new dad.  We are not sure when the first marriage ended as it was during the fall of 2004 when child was with us.  However he was very confused as to why his stepfather and stepsister weren't around anymore.  He now asks us how many fathers he has, since his mother encourages him to call his stepfathers Dad.  

The child has been having behavioral problems at school, which only occur when he is at his mothers house.  The last time, BM asked DH if he will discipline child next time he gets in trouble.  She said she feels the DH is better at it than she is.

Also although we don't pay child support, we provide health insurance.  We also provide the coats and shoes, an most of the clothes the child wears.  we are often buying new clothes to send the child to her house in as he comes over in clothes that are 2 sizes too big or 2 sizes too small.  

We have talked with BM about going to a therapist to discuss the situation, as she feels the communication between our houses is poor.  We feel a therapist would be better in our situation than a mediator, because of her mental illness.  It seems whenever we suggest changes at her house, or ask about any events (such as marriages or moves or hospital visits) she thinks we are attacking her.  We are only trying to help the child understand the changes in his life.

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we own our own home and we have a child together, and another on the way.  We can provide the stablity that this child needs so badly.  However we can't afford an attorney to fight this battle. so here's my questions:

1. What are our options for gaining full custody with out paying for a lawyer
1 b. Can we ask for her to apy attorney fees if we go to court
2. what are our chances for gaining custody if we don't employ a lawyer.
3. is there a way to force her to go to mediation or therapy visits?

Not sure what to do!  My husband came home early today (because SS was sick) and gets home to find something form child protective services on the door.  I haven't seen it yet, but he said its a pamphlet and its in concern of the emotional abuse of SS.  

I find this absolutely appalling after all the crap BM has put him through.  The emotional mess she is, because of her mental issues and her bad choices all gets put on SS.  She has made him her confidante and told him some really crazy stuff.  

Yes, we currently have him in counseling.  And according to his teacher, he has adjusted wonderfully to school.  I think we have done everything we could to make a smooth transition to us having custody.  (No that it was a big change b/c he spent SO much time with us even when she had custody).

We have the appeal for the custody hearing in 2 weeks, and I'm not sure if this is one of her tricks to hurt our chances of keeping custody.  

Or it could just be her going overboard (which she does wherever SS is concerned).  She has a history of going nuts over anything concerning SS.  She tried a few times to have DH's visitation taken away before we had custody b/c of absolutely ridiculous stuff.  She also has tried to have people fired and actually followed a woman home last year and screamed at her trying to get the woman to come out and fight her -all because the lady drove a little too fast in the school parking lot.  

I am livid, b/c we are sure that BM is behind this.  I'm not sure what we do at this point.  I almost would like to have them investigate, b/c then they could see how well SS is taken care of at our house.  He complains that he gets splinters from sleeping on the floor at her house (he shares a bedroom with his mom at her parent's house.  The room is unfinished, and he doesn't have a bed.)  I just worry that this will be under investigation when we go to court and will hurt our case.  

I don't know what to do, and if you can't tell, I'm kind of freaking out.  If anyone has any experience, please tell me what you know.  Any advice is very much appreciated.  

Ok, I understand both points of view (because we've been on both sides).  Here's my problem though.  If this weren't a custody issue, we would all say, leave 3 hours early to keep your kids from being in a car driving during icy and dangerous conditions.  It is not worth spending 3 hours with the child if you are going to put them in danger to do so.
 
Yes, the mom could keep the kids overnight, but then the child misses school the next day.  I'm sorry, but I don't think a child should miss school "just because".  If it was something unforseeable, then I could understand, but I live in VA and the weatherman had been talking about the coming storm a week before it got here.  This was something that could be planned for.  

Now because the mother is missing a  few hours of her visitation, maybe the dad lets her get a few makeup hours another time when it won't affect school.  Maybe he even gives her an extra day the next time the kids have a day off from school.  

I understand wanting to spend time with your child, but at the same time, we can't let our wants come before the child's needs.  The child needs to be safe. The child needs to attend school on a regular basis and understand that school is not to be missed unless there is a really good reason.  

I may be a little grouchy this morning, but I deal with a BM that constantly worries about her wants and doesn't care how it effects anyone else (including SS).  

Sharing custody is making compromises.  Nobody gets everything they want (including as much time as they would like with the child).  However at the end of the day, we should all be able to say that we have tried to do what is best for the child, not what is best for ourselves.    

So, we're not sure how involved to get on this one.  SS came home from his mom's for the weekend, and starts talking about how he has 3 brothers.  Then I guess he felt the need to explain that he has his 2 brothers at our house and his other brother that his mommy had.  (She gave up this child at birth 5 years ago.)  Apparently she has made a big deal out of the fact that he has this othe brother that he's never met.  I honestly think he's a little young (7 y/o) to understand the whole thing, but you can't tell BM that.  

Anyways, he starts talking about his other brother, and how its his older brother.  He tells us that this child was from the husband mommy had before she was married to daddy.  That since they got divorced they couldn't keep the child.

Now in actuality BM dated and lived with the adopted childs dad for a few months while she was pregnant.  They were never married b/c the divorce between her and DH wasn't final until about a year after that child was born and by then she had moved on to a different man.  She gave up the baby because the dad was a drug addict and she knew that she couldn't care for the child on her own and she knew that by giving up the child she could provide a better life for SS than if she kept the kid.  (This is what she admitted to me).  

So now we're not sure whether to correct SS's info, or let him believe her lies.  A part of me thinks that since it is fact not opinion, we should correct his information.  But then a part of me thinks that he'll eventually find out the truth and then he can draw his own conclusion about why mommy lied to him and that way we aren't involved.  I get the idea that when he is old enough to understand he is going to be really embarassed about his mom's life.  

I wouldn't worry about it, except he brings this topic up a lot lately.  I think she must be talking about it to him a lot and I think it may have to do with the fact that she is pregnant now (although not sure why that would spur her to talk about this other child).  

Anyways, what do y'all think, should we correct his misinformation, or just continue to change the subject?

Some of you may know that we got custody a few months ago.  SS has adjusted pretty well, but once in a while (especially after spending time with his mom) he will make little comments that just grate on my nerves.  I hope y'all don't mind but I've got to do a little venting.
Saturday when I was getting ready to pick up my niece for a sleepover, my SS and my son both wanted to come along.  I had to tell them no b/c I don't have enough car seats for the two of them and my niece.  SS informs me that Daddy can't go with me then b/c "it's illegal to leave kids home alone".  Well DH and I jokingly told the boys it would be ok, and that their 3 month old brother would be in charge.  SS then tell us "Go ahead, break the law.  I'll just go live with my mom."
Oh, the self control to bite my tongue.  A part of me wanted so badly to tell him that his mom is the authority on breaking the law, and that's why he doesn't live with her.  That she's lucky that all her jail time has been suspended, and that she hasn't been in more trouble for her crimes (even the custody judge was surprised).  That she's even luckier that more people haven't pressed charges for the crazy things she does (pulling knives on people and making threats to hurt people).  But it's probably better that he doesn't know what a fruitcake his mom is.  It's just so hard to know that she puts us down when we put SS first and do so much for him.  Meanwhile, she can't take care of herself much less him.  
I'm just glad he's here, b/c its a much better place for him.  Hopefully he understands that, even if he doesn't know all the reasons why.  
Oh and while I'm venting- she tells us how she misses him so much, but she forgot to pick him up for her weekly dinner with him this week.  Told SS it's Daddy's fault b/c he didn't remind her.  she also chose to pick him up on Saturday late mornings instead of friday afternoons on the weekends we let her have him.  she said that since she would have to take him to practice for an hour on Fridays it meant that she wasn't really getting quality time, so it didn't make sense to pick him up on Fridays.  (I think it had more to do with she couldn't borrow a car that often.)  Oh well, I shouldn't complain.  At least that way he got to sleep in in his own bed here, instead of her parent's living room couch.  Can you believe she's actually appealing the custody decision?  What a joke!

Let me start of by saying, BM is only supposed to see him a few times a year by court orders, but we have allowed her to have him every other weekend, and even agreed to let her pick him up for a few hours each week on Tuesdays.  She picked out the day of the week that she would pick him up.  We have really tried to work with her and keep her involved in SS's life.  She doesn't work, so she doesn't have schedule to work around (or at least none that she's told us about).

Well, soccer season started again, and of course stepson asked to play again.  We got the schedule last week, and he has practices Tuesday and Thursday every week.  Bm decides that she no longer wants to pick SS up on Tuesdays since he has practice and that she now wants to pick him up on Wednesday.  DH told BM yesterday that if she wants to continue to pick him up during the week, that its fine with us, but we aren't changing the day of the week and that if she picks him up on Tuesday, we expect that she will take him to practice.  

Well BM was pretty irritated with that and tells DH that SS doesn't like soccer and told her he doesn't want to play.  She says she knows he would rather spend time with her than go to practice.  She tells DH that he just doesn't want her to pick SS up on a different day.  Dh tells her he's surprised, b/c SS seems to love soccer, and that she's right, he doesn't want to switch days (mostly b/c between soccer and therapy, SS has enough going on, plus I changed my schedule to work around BM having SS on Tuesdays).  So BM tells him that she will continue to pick up SS on Tuesday, but he won't be going to practice on her days.  

Her and DH discuss for a few minutes, then she convinces him to let SS decide whether ot not he will go to practice.  (Don't start on me here, DH felt really bad about putting SS in the middle.  I think BM got him so flustered that he didn't think it out first.)  

Anyways, SS gets on the phone with his mom, he's listening to her for a minute.  Then he tells her, "No I would rather play soccer."  I don't know what she said to that, but he gets quiet for a minute, so I guess she was talking to him some more, then he tells her again, "I want to got to soccer practice."  The conversation ended pretty quickly after that.

Afterwards, we told him that there was no right or wrong answer, and that no one was going to be mad at him at all for his decision.  DH also apologized to SS for putting him in a position where he had to make such a tough decision.  SS tells us, "I like soccer and I don't want to let my team down."  I thought that showed a lot of responsibility from a 7 y/o.  

I have to say, I am so proud of him.  It has taken him a while to get to this point where he can stand up to his mom.  He has missed out before, because he feels that she needs him, and so he used to do whatever she wanted so that he wouldn't disappoint her.  I think before we got custody he believed that he always had to do whatever his mom wanted.  She had the attitude that as his mom her opinion was the only one that mattered when it came to SS and she had told him and us as much.  I'm glad that he was able to see past what his mom wanted, and make a decision for himself last night.  But don't get me wrong, we don't plan on putting him in this position again.

I feel bad that his mom has decided not to pick him up rather than take him to practice.  But that isn't our fault.  She did the same thing last season, and only kept him for 1 day instead of 2 days each weekend so that she wouldn't have to take him to his soccer game.  I'm still not sure what her problem is with SS playing sports, but I hope she gets over it.  SS really wants her to come watch him play, and he is disappointed that she won't.  I learned a long time ago, I can't make her be a better parent, no matter how much I want to.  

We have tried to be very nice about giving BM extra time since the custody change in September.  She actually wasn't supposed to see my SS until christmas day, but we have allowed her to have him every other weekend and to pick him up on Tuesdays to do homework and dinner.  

I have told my husband that he is a much nicer person than I, b/c BM is always 30 mnutes late getting SS home when she has him.  This bothers me becuase Sunday nights and Tuesday nights are school nights and at 7 years old, I think 7 pm is a reasonable time for him to get home, settle in, take a shower have a snack and get ready for bed.  I personally feel that if she can't return him within the time we agreed upon that he should suspend her visits on Tuesdays, or shorten her weekend visits until she can get the point.  I figure if she's keeping him later to get extra time, she'll stop once she realizes that she will lose time in the long run.  I don't want to punish her, but I'm trying to make sure SS has some stability on school nights and isn't rushed to bed, or put to bed late.  
Please let me know your opinions, because sometimes I think my dislike of her clouds my judgment.  However, on nights when she doesn't do his homework with him correctly, I hate writing to his teacher to explain that he will redo his work on Wednesday nights, b/c there's not enough time once he gets home.  

Also, since we had SS last weekend we would normally let her have him this weekend.  However, she is by court order supposed to have him 4pm Christmas day until 4pm New Year's day.  This means thatwe would have him for less than 24 hours for Christmas.  Since we know she isn't going to give up her court ordered time and switch weekends, we told her that we are keeping him with us this weekend.  This is also because all of our family is celebrating Christmas over this weekend, and we don't want SS to miss out on all of the festivities.  And in years past, she always had him for the beginning of Christmas break and we had him for the week after Christmas, so it made sense to us that we would also split this break.  
She got really upset when we told her that we were keeping SS this weekend.  She seems to think we owe her some make up time since we are "denying her time".  What's funny, is DH actually told her she could pick him up for a few extra hours this week if she wanted, but not on Friday, because my mom is baking cookies with all the grandkids, and SS has been looking forward to that for weeks.  Now she's mad b/c she can't get him this weekend or on Friday.  
I'm to the point where I'm tired of trying to work with her and be reasonable.  She doesn't seem to think that it is important for SS to spend time with anyone but her.  She even was upset about him playing soccer, which he LOVED, because she felt it took away time from her.  Which is dumb, because she actually shortened her weekends with him so that she wouldn't have to take him to practice and games b/c she said it wasn't quality time.  

So are we being unreasonable by changing the weekend so that he can do Christmas with our families?  I'm trying to think of how I would feel if I were her.  But honestly, what I keep coming back to is that SS is going to be so upset if he misses all the Christmas traditions at our house.  We have always scheduled it for when he could be there, but if we let her have him this weekend, we won't be able to accomodate him.  
Any opinions?  Do y'all think we're being unreasonable?

So we found out at court a few weeks ago that BM doesn't have her license.  Not sure when she lost it, but we know that she's been driving anyways.  At court we were also awarded custody, and BM's first court scheduled visistation isn't until Christmas.  She asked if she could pick up SS from school the other day and take him out to eat.  
Since the last few times we have seen BM (court and at SS soccer game) she had a family member or friend drive her, we assumed that would be the case on Tuesday.  We won't make that mistake again, because when she dropped SS off, she was driving!  and SS said she was the one who picked him up from school as well!  
what on earth is she thinking?  Doesn't she know that if she gets pulled over, the police are going to take her son?  I'm not sure who they would call first, us or Child Protective Services.  Probably both.  
Oh and get this.  When my SS told me that his mom drove to pick him up, the words slipped out before I could help myself "but Mommy doesn't have a license."  No big deal, because this isn't news to him, but still I don't like to discuss adult matters with him.  Anyways, he replies"well she had her sister's license."  What?!  Is that what she told him?
We're trying to be cool.  We understand visitation doesn't give her much time with SS.  But come on!  
When she asked for last Tuesday, she also asked if he could come spend some time with her this weekend.  She wants him to come with her after his soccer game this weekend.  My husband plans on carding her.  It feels really ridiculous, but she has to know that we are not ok with her driving with SS w/o a license.  Now anytime she wants to have him we have to make sure she has a driver first.  We're gonna sound like the parents of high schoolers "Who's your designated driver"?  If you don't have someone call us and we'll pick SS up."
I swear, if I couldn't laugh about the dumb stuff she does, I'd go nuts.  

I've heard that my brother and his wife are talking about a divorce, but I'm not supposed to know this yet.  They have 3 girls, and honestly all 3 were an "oops" for my brother but were planned by his wife.  I know that sounds lame since it happened 3 times, and my brother does feel like it's partly his fault but it's a long story and not really important right now.
Anyhow, I don't know that my brother will want to keep the girls.  He is going to be buying the shop he works at, and he just doesn't have a lot of time.  And like I said, he was upfront about not being ready or wanting more than one kid.  His wife is a mess.  She doesn't work, b/c she could never qualify for a job making more than minimum wage (and even that is difficult for her).  She doesn't clean the house or cook dinner.  They have to eat out all the time.  My brother cleans the house every couple months (like serious deep clean).  The kids go days without baths, and one is currently failing kindergarten.  The older one is in 2nd grade, but only b/c she has been placed each year, not because she passed.  My SIL honestly can't help with the school work b/c she is not very educated.  
So now that I've told the background (at least the short of it), here's the issue.  If they get a divorce, and my brother isn't willing to keep the girls, I want to take one of them, and my sister wants the other 2.  Neither of us can take all three b/c the middle one has autism (although my SIL won't admit it),the baby is a handful, and we both already have kids.  
Is this even possible, for us to get custody of these girls?  I know if they stay with their mom they will end up high school drop outs and sluts.  They are such beautiful and amazing girls and I know my SIL is not capable of raising them.  I know that it would be better if we could keep them together, but my sister and I live a few miles from each other, and hang out all the time so the girls would still be very close.  
Any suggestions?  Please be honest.  I'm going to mention this to my attorney in a few weeks, but we have lots of other things to discuss about our upcoming trial, so I know we can only really discuss it in passing.  

I hope someone can help me with this one.  
Can you subpoena an 8 y/o?  Is that testimony even valid?  We got a notice on the door that BM has subpoena'd SS, but she has also on at least one occasion told SS what he needs to say in court.

Also, can we subpoena BM's mental health records for the last several years?  She has some issues, and has had to be hospitalized several times for such.  We have a strong case without those, but I think that would be even more damning to have them.  

Also, if it helps any, we already have custody.  We won in 9/06, and BM is finally getting around to appealing that decision.  

I haven't been on for a while.  We got custody of SS 9/06, and BM has been up and down since.  She moved back to the area then moved away again.  
She filed an appeal, and we've worked on settling outside of court.  That has been slow going though, mostly b/c she is very slow to respond.  She sent the initial proposal and asked for all kinds of crazy stuff.  We respnded to her offer, and then didn't hear anything for months.  She sent another offer, and we responded, then didn't hear anything.  We sent over another offer, and she finally responded b/c the courts told her attorney she needed to either work out a settlement outside of court, set a court date or withdraw her appeal.  
Anyhow, she responded with some weird stuff, and we responded back.  Haven't heard anything.  Honestly I can't wait to just have the paperwork done with.  

Having custody is nice.  BM was a little crazy in the beginning, but has backed off now.  Mostly b/c she lives over 4 hours away and had a new baby so it's just not really worth the effort on her part to be involved w/ SS.  

SS adjusted really well, and I think the stability has been really good for him.  Its hard when he goes to visit his mom, bc she really is unhealthy.  I just hope that we are able to "fix" all the bad effects she has on him.

Anyhow, just thought I'd stop by and give an update on how we've been.  Hope everyone here is well, and I'm wishing you all the best for the holidays

For the last 5 yrs. my husband and I have been together, my stepson's mom has called the shots.  In the beginning my husband made the mistake of giving her full custody, b/c he didn't realize he had to stand up for his rights as a father.  He had no idea that fighting for custody later on would be a battle.  Her having custody would not  normally be a cause for pause except she can be very vindictive when she feels that anyone is questioning her choices.  She also is not a very stable person, and she drags my 6 y/o stepson through all her bad relationships and bad choices with her.  
Anyways, we have talked about going for custody before, each time she has a few months of instability.  However everytime we reach our limit she straightens up.  My husband hates confrontation and doesn't want to stab her in the back when she is being a good mother.  Also we fear the backlash that is sure to come when we go for custody.  BM is sure to take it as a direct attack on her, and we are afraid of what she may say to the child.  She  has not shown any discernment in the past for what things a 6 y/o should be told.  
So now we have finally reached the point where the benefit of going for custody out weighs our fears.  I know that 20 yrs from now if my stepson asks why we went for custody we can explain to him that we had to do what was best for him.  I also know that if we didn't go for custody now I would feel like we failed him.  He is such a good kid and he needs the normalcy and stablity that his mom can't provide.  There's a whole lot more to the situation, but what it comes down to is she does not provide a healthy environment for my stepson.
So pray for us, I know the road ahead is rough.  Pray for her that she handles the situation in a way that is not harmful toward my stepson.  And pray for my stepson, that he can be oblivious to the custody battle and understand that we only want whats best for him.

So, we went to court this morning, and we have to pay back 2 1/2 years worth of child support.  Word to the wise, don't make agreements outside of court b/c they don't mean a thing.  We had the child 50% of the time, we paid all day care when he went (which was calculated in child support) and we bought his jackets, coats and shoes as well as sent over bags of clothes for his mom's house.  All that stuff was considered a gift, and even though BM wrote and signed an agreement that there would be no child support and she would file to stop it, since we didn't do any of that through the courts we are stuck paying her a bunch of money.  Even the judge said it was sad.  I swear, sometimes the system is so screwed up.  

But the plus side is, we have the kid.  I'd rather have him than the $11,000 anyday.  And, we can pay it off in small monthly payments, interest free.  Plus DH wasn't found as being in contempt b/c of the written agreement.  

We go to court next week for the custody appeal (we won the custody hearing 6 mos. ago), so any prayers are appreciated.  We're hoping to settle out of court before then, but we'll see.  

So we found out when we went to court last week that BM was listening in to DH's phone calls with their son.  Dh has never said anything to SS that he wouldn't say that he couldn't say in front of BM, but still, it bothered us to know that she listens in.  Of course she was always looking for something to complain about, so I guess it shouldn't surprise us.  She actually threw a fit once, when she found out that we gave the kids peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner one night.  (It was their request, and since we both work we aren't always able to make a home-cooked meal.)
Anyways, I never thought that we would be the types to listen in to SS's phone calls w/ BM, b/c it almost feels like an invasion of privacy.  However, last night when SS got off the phone w/ his mom, he told DH "Mommy has a bloody eye b/c someone tried to kill her."  (this isn't the first time sh has said something like this to him.)  
So now we're trying to figure out how to best approach the situation.  We're going to put SS back in therapy.  I think we should start listening to the phone calls, since BM is unstable and is telling 6 y/o SS things that are inappropriate.  That way we can help him to understand when she says something crazy.  Since custody just changed and BM currently gets very little visitation, I think we may tell her that we would like for to see SS more, but we can't give her any addition time when she is being inappropriate (which is true).  And if we do decide to listen into the phone calls, I feel that we should let BM know.  It still doesn't feel right, but at least if we're honest about it then it's not like we're trying to be sneaky.  
So what do y'all think?  I would love to hear any ideas or opinions y'all have.

Hey guys, we had court today for custody and to keep BM from relocating, and we won!  I still can't believe it.  DH didn't even get a chance to testify.  After hearing from BM, the judge said she had heard enough and was awarding custody to DH.  The visitation schedule the judge set up gives BM about 6 wks out of the whole year.  In fact, according to the schedule, BM wouldn't see him again until Christmas.  Of course, we plan to let her see him sooner than that, because I can't imagine keeping SS away from his mom that long.  
I think she'll probably appeal, but we didn't even present half of our case, so I don't think she'll have much of a chance.  I couldn't stay in the courtroom exept for when I testified, but DH said BM was surprised that we knew as much about her past and trouble she's been in.  And we also learned a few new things about her.  She seemed to think she was going to go in there and lie about how we treat SS and win the case. Thank goodness the judge saw right through her.  Of course, her attitude with our attorney probably didn't help.  DH said the judge told her at one point not to speak to our attorney that way.  
Now our biggest worry is SS.  We never told him about court, but this weekend when he was with us he told us that he knew we were taking his mom to court to try to take him away from her.  (I'm not sure if she told him this, or if he over heard it, but honestly, I wouldn't put it past her.  She's told him some crazy things in the past.)   We're just praying that she doesn't make this harder for him than it needs to be.  Living here won't be a big adjustment, we had him most weekends, and sometimes during the week during the school year, and 2 months during the summer.  But he already started school with her, and since we weren't sure how court would turn out I don't think he's fully prepared for living with us full time.  We told him it was a possiblity when she first brought up that she was thinking about moving.  But we haven't pushed the issue since then, because we thought it was better for him to know as little about court as possible.  So hopefully the adjustment will go smoothly and we're gonna try to make it as easy as possible for him.  
good luck to those who are still fighting for custody, keep fighting for what's best for your kids.  It always gave me hope to read posts about others winning, and everyone on here has been so supportive the few times I've posted.  Keep hoping and trying, I'm so glad we did.  You are all in my thoughts and prayers.  

We are in the middle of a relocation/custody case.  We had our first court date on 8/30, but her attorney had it continued because BM didn't get served correctly and was unable to find a babysitter.  Funny, because she knew about court (by her attorney's admission) 2 weeks before the actual court date, and she was able to retain a lawyer, but not able to find a babysitter.  When she told us she was moving, we asked what would happen to son when she has to go to the hospital (she gets hospitalized several times a year for a few days at a time- we're not sure exactly why).  She told us she has plenty of friends where she was moving that could help.  So how come she couldn't find a babysitter for an afternoon with 2 weeks notice but she can supposedly get a babysitter for several days with a moments notice?
anyways, we hadn't seen son for 3 1/2 weeks, because she wouldn't allow it since we had him most of the summer.  We finally had him this last weekend (probably because court is this week).  He acted kind of weird all weekend, not like his normal self.  I'm starting to wonder if she isn't brainwashing him.  My mom asked him how he liked the new place he was at and he told her "I like it, its a beautiful area with lots of trees."  What normal 6 y/o gives that kind of answer?  He's also told my husband that there are way more white people where he lives now,like that makes his town better than the nice neighborhood we live in.  
Then, we were asking him about school, and I mentioned I had talked to his old teacher the other day.  He replied "I know, you're bringing her to court as a witness so you can take me away from my mom."  We asked him where he got that idea from, and he said he came up with all of that on his own.  Then he told us how mommy told him that the school we live near is a bad school.  Its actually much better than the school she insisted he go t last year where she lived, and is comparable to the school where she lives now.
We have never mentioned anything about court to him.  We have told him that we don't agree with his mom taking him 4 hours away, and that since mommy and daddy can't agree where he should live there are some people who are going to help them make the decision where he should be.  We figured that was as much as he needed to know.  So this weekend we told him once again that mommy wants him to move and we want him to stay and court is to help mommy and daddy make a decision.  This is the first time we've discussed court with him, and that's as much as we would say to him about it.
This stuff kills me.  She seems to think that if she can make us look bad to son, then she wins somehow.  I can see the stress this causes son, and its a shame.  But she is sick, and since he is only 6, he can't see that his mom has issues.  And since we won't say anything negative about her, he ends up thinking that we are the bad guys.  Part of me can't wait till he is old enough to see his mom for what she really is, and part of me hopes for his sake that he never realizes what a fruitcake she is.  

We had group therapy last night (we go twice a month, me DH, BM and SS).  It did not go well.  I feel like the therapist tunes out, and is inconsistant with what he says.  
To start out, communication between us adults has always been strained.  Dh and I feel that we can't make any parenting suggestions w/o BM getting defensive and upset (which I don't blame entirely on her, b/c she is "ill", and part of her illness is that she feels that everyone is against her.)  Also if we mention things that SS does at our house, she becomes very accusing or says that it must be us b/c she doesn't have those problems with SS.  SS will give a completely different story about what happens at his mom's house.  Also mother's attitude has always been that her opinion is the only one that really matters when it comes to parenting decisions.  She seems to think that dad's are dispensible, and that as long as the mother is around, it doesn't matter if the father is there or not.  
Well last night, the therapist said that we as parents need to work on communicating better, and sharing what things SS does, how he acts, things like that.  But then the therapist said it is not BM's responsibilty to tell us about any assemblies, field trips, parent/teacher conferences, report cards, etc when it comes to SS school.  He said it is our responsibility and right to go to the school if we want to be involved.  Does this strike anyone else as contradictory?  
Also, BM has never offered much consistancy for SS, she has had live-in boyfriends, a couple husbands, and moved a number of times in the last 6 yrs.  She is currently looking to relocate to be closer to her current boyfriend of 4 months.  We said in therapy that we have seen the strain and stress that all this change has put on SS and do not support him moving with BM.  The therapist says, why don't you let him try the move, and if he start showing problems in school, you can always have him move back.  What?!  He is in therapy now b/c of the problems he had last school year!  We had suggested therapy long before BM would allow it b/c he was regressing and having emotional breakdowns at school.  Of course, I'm sure this had nothing to do with BM's 4 month marriage in the middle of last school year.  (That husband told us that he couldn't deal with her anymore and that she had a serious drinking problem.)  And nothing to do with her telling SS that she has to carry a gun in her purse b/c so many people want to hurt them.  
At one point, DH just stopped talking, b/c the therapist doesn't seem to care about the past, or SS behavioral problems.  He doesn't seem to listen very much to anything that goes on.  In fact, SS has spent the entire summer with us, and the therapist starts each session by asking SS "have you gone to your dad's house any since last time?"  It's a nice suggestion that if the move doesn't go well to have son move back, but BM will never allow it.  Of course, therapist doesn't know the history, so he wouldn't know that.  BM has said ss" is her buddy and has been with her through everything."  She needs him, and isn't concerned about his needs.  Meanwhile, we're left helping him deal with it all.  
So we have our court hearing at the end of this month, and I'm praying that it goes our way so SS can have some consistancy in his life.  Also, I think DH is to the point where he is ready to give up.  He is tired of fighting BM.  It's so hard to try to be your child's advocate and fight for what's best for him when you are told that you don't matter, and b/c she has custody there isn't much we can do.  We have always had to play by her rules if we want to see SS more than every other weekend.  For the first time, I can understand why DH is ready to give up.  No matter what we do, it seems she is intent on making us miserable and dragging SS through all the craziness in her life.  Any time we disagree with her SS is the one that suffers.  If we can't protect SS then why are we making ourselves crazy?  
Sorry for venting guys, I'm just disgusted w/ the situation.  I don't know how many times I've wished SS were mine so that he wouldn't have to deal with all of this.  Then he could have a "normal" childhood.