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We live in the state of VA.
So this isn't your normal custody question, but I'm hoping you can help.  We are preparing for our custody case, and have come into some information that my son's mother is currently on bail, awaiting a hearing for a class 1 misdemeanor (something to do with a firearm.)  Now she has been in and out of the state, b/c she is planning on moving.  I didn't think that was allowed, and I'm hoping its not, because then she won't be able to take my son out of the state until she clears up her issues.  See questions 1a and 1b

second thing, we found out that she has a record from about 2 yrs ago for being drunk in public, and a DWI a month later.  See question 2

1A. If you are out on bail, are you allowed to leave the states?
1B. If this isn't allowed, who would you call to make an anonymous tip?

2. Is this still relevant in a custody case to show a history of instability, or is this too old to matter?

I'm gonna try to keep the background as short as possible.  

We live in Virginia, and currently so does the BM.  At this time she has full custody and we have standard visistation rights.  

Outside of the courts, we had an agreement 5/04 for son to spend equal time with each parent (in 2 week increments) and for no child support to be paid by either party.  This continued until 9/05 when son started school.  To provide more stability, the agreement changed to Monday through Thursday nights and 1 weekend a month with mom, and the remaining weekends with me (starting Friday when school lets out and ending Monday mornings when dropping him off at school.)  As well as Son spends 2 months during summer with me, and we alternate holidays.  Of course on several occasions during the school year I kept son for entire weeks (whenever our schedule allowed), and also several of our weekends ran through Tuesday or Wednesday b/c his mom wasn't feeling well, or was busy.  

By the way, mom doesn't work, she is on disability (not sure if for back problems or her bi-polar).  Although the school in my district is much better, going to school with her meant he didn't have to attend daycare after school.  Even though I would have rather him go to school in my district with his friends and cousins, I tired of arguing and gave in to mother so that he could go to school in her district.  

BM has shown a pattern of instability in her relationships.  She has been married 3 times (including to me originally).  The most recent marriage lasted from 10/05-2/06 (this includes the month that they dated before marrying).  She also had a relationship between her 1st and 2nd marriage with a man who she had a child with and gave up for adoption.  

On the other hand, my wife and I have been together for over 5 years, and we have 4 y/o son and another child on the way.  

Several weeks ago, BM informed me that she is planning to move to NC (3 1/2 hours away) and wanted to discuss taking son with her.  We have had a few discussions about the move since then, but did agree that it wouldn't be mentioned to Son until a decision had been finalized between us.  She broke this agreement a few nights ago, and called at bedtime, and informed son that they were going to move to NC in a few weeks.  He was pretty upset.  We have seen had some more discussion w/ BM and she has said that she is definitely moving and is 100% set on Son going with her.  She says this is going to be a fresh start for her, and an opportunity for Son to attend a better school.

We believe the whole basis of this move is her current boyfriend.  (They started dating around 5/06 and he is moving back to his hometown since he is getting out of the military.)  She doesn't have any other family there that we know of, but has said she has a bunch of friends down there.  Honestly, I don't think there's anyone down there she's known for more than a few months.  

We have compared the elementery school in the district she is moving to and in our district and the testing scores are comparable.  Also all of Son's extended family (on BM, BF and SM's side) live within 20 minutes of my home.  He is very close to all of his extended family.  

We have told BM that we don't agree witht he move, but if it is such a great opportunity for her we are happy for her, but feel that son should stay in Virgina where he has always lived.  She has told us that a child's place is with thier mother, and since we have 2 other children it's only fair that we let her have the Son.  We seem to be at a point where there will be no compromising and we will have to involve the courts.

I want to keep son in this area, and want to file for custody.  

1.  How can I keep her from moving to NC with son when he goes back to  her in a few weeks?

2.  Should I enroll him in school in my district at this time?

3.  How do I file for custody?

3a.  What do I list as reason for filing for custody- her impending move, her instablity, her mental condition?  I'm not sure if its better to list a bunch of reasons, or just the main few.

4.  She has not provided 30 day advanced written notice of her new address as law requires, is this important or do the courts really care?

5.  What are the things we need to prove to the court to keep son from being relocated?

6.  If we get the order to keep son here, and she moves anyways, does this mean that we get custody by default?  

7. Is relocation and custody 2 separate trials?  Or will they be heard together?

thanks so much!

Also, BM has only given us limited info. about her illness.  We only seem to hear about her hospital stays when she can't cover them up by sending son to her parents house.  We have asked that son stay with us when she can't care for him, but she continually brings son to her parents house instead where he must sleep on the couch.  She actually told us once that he would me more comfortable there than with us.

1.can we request a copy of her medical records?
2. We don't currently have First Right of Refusal, is that fairly easy to file for?

My husband and I have through the VA courts visitation rights of his son.   Unfortunately when his ex-wife got custody it was under the premise that she was worried we would take son away from her, so DH ignorantly agreed to her request to give her custody through the courts.  

Since that order 5 years ago, BM has gone back and forth between feeling the child should spend half his time with DH and telling DH he is a weekend dad.  She also in May of 2003, and May of 2004 told us she was going to sign over custody and give her visitation rights to her parents, but then would call back after a few days to take back her
offer.  Each time ended up in increasing the time that son was scheduled to be with us each month.  In May 2004, she signed (and we had notarized) a two weeks here/ two wks there agreement, that also stated there would be no child support paid by either party.

DH and I have tried to be understanding and work with BM as much as possible for the sake of the child.  DH was raised by his mother and knows the importance of the relationship a child has with his mother.  We have allowed the child to be enrolled at school in the town BM lives, and now have child 3 weekends and 1 week of each month.  However we have recently asked for her to allow the child to live with us as we feel that we have a better environment and more stability to offer the child.

BM has a mental illness that she must take medication for. One of the side offects of the medication is memory loss; In the last month she has "forgotten" 3 conversations with us.  One of these conversations was about changing the times son would switch houses.  Also because of her illness, the child lived with us 9/04-2/05 and spent 2 wknds each month w/ BM because she was in and out of the hospital.

We have mentioned her smoking in the house, and the child has asked her not to smoke in the house.  DH is a smoker, so we aren't asking BM to quit.  We are simply asking that she not smoke in the house b/c child has allergies that seem to flare up only when he is at her house.

BM has also been married twice in two years and each time we are notified when son comes over and announces he has a new dad.  We are not sure when the first marriage ended as it was during the fall of 2004 when child was with us.  However he was very confused as to why his stepfather and stepsister weren't around anymore.  He now asks us how many fathers he has, since his mother encourages him to call his stepfathers Dad.  

The child has been having behavioral problems at school, which only occur when he is at his mothers house.  The last time, BM asked DH if he will discipline child next time he gets in trouble.  She said she feels the DH is better at it than she is.

Also although we don't pay child support, we provide health insurance.  We also provide the coats and shoes, an most of the clothes the child wears.  we are often buying new clothes to send the child to her house in as he comes over in clothes that are 2 sizes too big or 2 sizes too small.  

We have talked with BM about going to a therapist to discuss the situation, as she feels the communication between our houses is poor.  We feel a therapist would be better in our situation than a mediator, because of her mental illness.  It seems whenever we suggest changes at her house, or ask about any events (such as marriages or moves or hospital visits) she thinks we are attacking her.  We are only trying to help the child understand the changes in his life.

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we own our own home and we have a child together, and another on the way.  We can provide the stablity that this child needs so badly.  However we can't afford an attorney to fight this battle. so here's my questions:

1. What are our options for gaining full custody with out paying for a lawyer
1 b. Can we ask for her to apy attorney fees if we go to court
2. what are our chances for gaining custody if we don't employ a lawyer.
3. is there a way to force her to go to mediation or therapy visits?

If y'all have already figured out where you and stbx are going to live, and what schedule you are going to set up for each of you to have the kids that's awesome.  In that case, I don't see any problem preparing the kids for that.  
However, don't tell the kids "you will live with me and see mommy on the weekends" if you don't know that for sure.  If there is no schedule set up, and you and your stbx can't agree on when the kids will be where, then it is more stressful to them when they are promised one thing and it ends up something entirely different.

We went through this with my SS's BM.  Long story short, she convinced SS he was going with her when she moved to NC.  She kept telling him NC was a definite and we kept telling himhe may go there, he may stay here with us, but nothing was definite yet.  BM had made it such a big deal that he was going with her no matter what, that SS would look at us like we were nuts when we told him that no one was really sure what was going to happen yet.  He would tell us that his mommy had decided and that was that.  We tried not to be confrontational, and I think it was a big surprise to SS when after 2 weeks in NC, the courts ordered his mom to return him, and awarded us custody.  It took a little adjustment time, and I honestly think it would have been much better had BM been honest from the start that living with us was a possiblity.  
So the moral of the story is, don't set your kids up for something you can't guarantee.  You'll end up confusing them more in the long run.  
Sounds like if you are still all living in the household that things are pretty amicable, so maybe hold a family meeting and answer any questions the kids have.  If you don't have all the answers right now, tell them you'll get back to them.  This will also let them know that the door is open for them to come with you about their concerns.  I'm sure they know a change is coming up, so it can't hurt to acknowledge that there will be some changes and help them prepare for it.

They kind of let her pitch a fit until she's done.  They've tried everything else, and finding that nothing works, they just let her go until she's done.  Once she calms down, they let her have a little time to herself, and then she'll act like nothing happened.  Although, sometimes she does seem to be remorseful.  She felt bad and apologized a few days after kicking the nurse at our doctor's office.  

She also doesn't seem to need sleep, and most nights I don't think she actually goes to sleep until midnight.  One night she woke up and watched a movie in the middle of the night.  

Her first day of preschool was awful.  My niece cursed out the teacher and was throwing chairs anytime any of the kids tried to come near her.  She's gotten much better,  but they ended up taking her out anyways, b/c she's still not doing "well" with preschool.  

What's really tough, is everyone around my niece is trying not to set her off.  I know I decided one day I was going to brush her hair whether she fought me on it or not.  boy did I feel like an idiot when she spent the next hour screaming.  A normal kid you can just tell that you are going to brush her hair, and she may not like it, but she'll get over it after a few minutes.  My niece is not normal.  Now I kind of back off, and let her parents handle her.  I think that's the hardest thing for outsiders to understand- you can't treat her like a normal kid.

I think we're at the same stage in the game as you are, still looking to get a diagnosis so we can learn how to treat the issue.  We were really thinking autism until about a week ago when someone suggested bipolar.  Whatever it is, it will be a relief to get a diagnosis.  

My brother and his wife are in a similar situation with their 4 y/o.  They also have a 6y/o and a 7 month old, both of which are perfectly normal.  They are on a waiting list to get their 4 y/o tested.  She throws fits similar to what you described.  She also doesn't play well with other children and doesn't deal well with change.  

For a while we actually thought she was mildly autistic, or has Asperger's.  Now though, it has been suggested that she is bipolar.  

It is very hard for my brother and his wife to deal with.  To an outsider they look like bad parents, and their little girl looks like a child that needs discipline.  We know that this isn't the case.  She doesn't respond to discipline like a normal child, and she isn't a normal child.  

They tried starting her in preschool this year to ready her for "real" school next year.  This month they finally took her out after lengthy discussions with her teacher and principal.  She just couldn't adjust, and at this point they have decided that it was best for all involved not to push her to go to preschool.  We are hoping that we can get her diagnosed soon so that we can start treating her.  

I can't really offer any advice, but I definitely can empathize. My sister-in-law is a stay at home mom, so she is with my niece all the time.  I know she'll call me some days at the end of her rope.  Just know that this isn't forever.  You're taking the right steps to help your son, and it may take a while, but he will get diagnosed and he will get treatment.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers, and good luck.  

I think you should really try to make the 50/50 work.  Honestly, when both parents are working together and providing a stable household, this is the best arrangement for he child.  Or at least it was for us (we have had to change it because of BM's instability and issues.)

We also dealt with SS being upset on the phone when speaking w/ BM.  He would be smiling and happy before he got on the phone.  Then all of a sudden the sad whiny voice "I miss you so much" came out once he got on the phone.  His whole demeanor changed when he was on the phone, and he sounded so depressed.  As soon as he was off the phone though- back to the smiling happy kid he was before the call.  

We also encourage SS to call his mom (as well as she usually calls every other day).  Now that we have SS most of the time, we don't usually call him when he's with BM.  We find that unless reminded, he normally is so busy he doesn't think about calling the parent he isn't with.  Don't worry that she doesn't call you, this doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or need you in her life. Kids get busy, and sometimes out of sight really is out of mind.  If you miss them call them, but don't make them feel that they can't go a day with out talking to you.  And don't keep them on the phone for hours, they need to spend time living at dad's house, not sitting on the phone the whole time with mom.  


In the beginning SS also did freak out whenever DH dropped him off and woud even freak out when with DH if he walked out of the room.  However, he was a year old at the time, and wasn't seing DH on a regular basis yet, so when DH dropped him off, SS wasn't sure when he would see his daddy again.  Once we were able to work out a regular 50/50 schedule, everything was much better.  Remeber though, its taking time for you to adjust to not seeing the kids everyday, and it is also taking them time to adjust to going back and forth between houses.  

As far as sleeping habits, SS slept fine at our house, but at his mom's he wouldn't sleep with out her putting a movie on for him.  Actually, most nights he didn't sleep until the movie was over.  When we found out about this (from SS's teacher because he was so tired at school) we talked to SS about it and he agreed to sleep without the TV at BM's house.  SS knew he could insist on a movie and his mom would give in, but he knew that wasn't allowed at our house, so he didn't try it.  

I don't want to sound like I'm harping on you, but do keep your emotions in check when around your children.  It is hard enough for them to be split between households.  The last thing they need is to feel guilty over leaving you and spending some time with their dad.  

Our SS struggles with this.  His mom gave him a photo album filled with pictures of her and her family when we got custody.  I thought that was sweet.  However, she also included a poem for him that talks about how all the struggles and pain that she has dealt with in her life are worth it when SS smiles at her.  She has also told me that SS is her "buddy" and has been with her through everything.  She wrote him a letter saying "I'll pay any price and travel any distance to make sure we can be happy again."  I don't think she realizes that SS can be happy even if he isn't with her 24/7.  This is a lot of pressure on my SS.  Luckily, he is in counseling to help him deal with this.  

I'm sure that your ex may be putting some of his feelings on the kids too (even if its not on purpose).  This may explain why you can talk to your kid at daycare and they sound fine, but not when they are at dad's house.  If they can tell that dad is irritated when they talk to you, they may not want to hurt his feelings by getting on the phone.  You both need to make sure you are encouring the kids to have a strong heathy relationship with the other parent.  Its hard not to let your emotions show when you are around the kids, and they pick up on a lot more than you realize.  

I understand you wanting to spend time with your SD, and I definitely agree that you should seek some type of visitation.  It may take your ex a little time to adjust to the idea, but hopefully he'll be accepting.  Its what's best for the kids afterall that is really important.

I fully agree with you hanging up or ending conversations when DH is yelling/cursing/demeaning you in front of the kids.  THey don't need to hear this, and it does not show them a healthy way to communicate.  This is something you should bring up with DH when he is calm, and explain to him that it is not ok for him to talk to you like this.  

Just keep making decisions off of what is best for the kids.  Its hard not to be a little selfish, and its hard not to want to "punish" the other parent when they are being unreasonable.  Honestly, I still struggle with this at times and am so thankful that DH is able to make decisions that are best for SS.  This is a big adjustment time for you, your ex and the kids.  It's gonna take time to make this feel like "normal".  

I feel the same, that it is a moral issue.  We carry insurance on SS, and BM is on disability, so she has suggested to us several times that we can use his medicaid to save money.  I'm assuming she is talking about the copays.
I just can't feel good about using medicaid when we can afford health care.  To me that is taking advantage of a system that is there to help those who can't afford health care.  

>
>That's kind of strange. What's to stop every person who
>doesn't like a judgment from filing for appeal?

Nothing, as far as I know.  We're in VA and won custody in September.  BM appealed, and we're still waiting for the appeal hearing.  (Its been continued once, and we're in no hurry, so we're just waiting for BM's attorney to reschedule.)  
Between the info we had on BM, and what all came out in court and the attitude BM had for the entire hearing.... she got what she deserved.  What's funny is, the judge stopped the hearing before we could even present our entire case.  So maybe during the appeal we can present more info to show BM as unfit and us as the stable loving healthy household.  
To be honest I actually like the circuit court judges even better than the J&D judge we had.  One is a dad w/ full custody of his own kids, the other is also pretty good in that he will order things that some conventional judges might not (basically he will deviate from standard visitation and include requirements that most judges would just assume that mature adults would work out on their own.)