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Dear Socrateaser,

DH and I went to mediation in Dec with BM and her husband.  We came up with an agreement which involved shared custody, right of first refusal, and a stipulation that both sides would consult with their attorneys/county enforcer regarding child support, and if mom and dad couldn't reach an agreement, we'd go back to mediation.

BM gave misinformation to county attorney in order to try to get child support computed at a higher rate.  County attorney advised BF to file petition for custody.  BM responed to petition with a motion for child support which included the misinformation.  

Court date was today.  In court, BM argued that she is primary custodian b/c she keeps child for 1 hour after school during BF's week (custody is alternating weeks).  BM also insists that step-parents "don't count" in right of first refusal, so when BF goes to night job, the child should legally go to BM's house, not be watched by step-mom.  

The mediation agreement is not worded to include or exclude step-parents.  It says, "If we cannot keep child for a period of longer than 4 hours, we will call the other one before making other childcare arrangements."  Step-mom has been in child's life for 6 years, and is actually the one who takes child to lessons, practices, etc. more than BM or BF.

BM called BF after court and offered him a "compromise" if he would pay her $XXX a month for child support, she would not move out of county like she had planned, and we will keep custody 50/50.  Her "offer" was higher than what what BF will probably have to pay if support is set through the courts.  We think she made this offer b/c she knows she wouldn't win custody in court.

Questions:

1)  Is a mediation agreement (which was a voluntary session, not court-ordered) legally binding?  In other words, since we signed it, does that mean that we can't change our minds about it and file for custody?

2)  Do you think the judge will consider the fact that BM is trying to deceive the courts in order to get more child support?  Are they allowed to take this into consideration when ordering support?

3)  Do step-parents count in right of first refusal?  

4)  Is BM's "private offer" extortion?

We have had 50/50 shared custody since SD was 2 years old, and here are my 2 cents' worth:

 I don't think the children are
>responding well to this schedule. They seem to be clingy when
>they are with me. My daughter has begun to cry when I drop her
>off at school or leave her with anyone (before she didn't). My
>son is the same way, now he is having problems going to be on
>his own. He screams and fights me (Body rigid). I don't want
>to just put him in his crib bc I don't want him to see me
>walking away from him.


Perhaps the kids are clingy with you b/c they are responding to your emotions.  If they see you are down or depressed or lonely, this may be why they don't want to leave you.  You may have to "toughen up" for the sake of your kids.

Our BM complained of the exact same problem with SD.  She told the Dr that SD has trouble sleeping at her home, and that BM "has no choice but to sleep in bed with SD."  But SD has never had any problems getting to sleep at our house....we tuck her in, tell her to stay in bed, and that's that.  Dr. advised BM that the problem lies in SD playing on BM's weaknesses.



 I have our daughter call and say good
>night to her father and older half-sister when I have the
>children, but doesn't have her call me. So I have decided to
>call myself to talk with her but she refuses to come to the
>phone, whining or crying that she doens't want to. So I call
>her at daycare instead and she comes to the phone just fine
>and talks with me for a few minutes.

This could also be the kids feeding off of whatever emotion the parent they're with is displaying.  Make sure when you call that your conversations are upbeat and happy.  Don't tell them how much you miss them....that will only make them feel sad that you're alone.  

We had similar problems w/SD.  She would be fine at our house, and when BM would call, SD would get all sad and weepy.  Then BM tried to get custody taken away b/c of these sad phone calls.  But when we started "listening in" by putting her on speakerphone, we realized that BM would call and immediately start crying and telling SD how much she missed her, and how lonely she was at home without her.

Also, SD is not a big "phone talker."  We realize this, so we make our conversations with her very short.  "How was your day?  Anything special?  Okay, love you.  Bye"  

 I know that my husband
>knows the importance of consistency and that trying to make
>our homes similar, in regards to schedules, bedtimes, etc,
>will help the kids adjust; but he refuses and just says that
>he'll have his rules at his house and vice versa. I hate how
>this is upseting the kids. I tried to suggest to him that we
>can do 50/50 when the children are older and can cognitively
>understand week here and week there. I am afraid that every
>time the kids go, they don't understand that they are coming
>back.

I think they probably do.  Kids are smarter than you give them credit for.  When you drop them off at daycare, they know you're coming back for them, right?  If you really are struggling with week by week, you could try going Sun-Tues and every other Weds at your house, then every other Weds-Sat at Dad's house.  We did that for awhile when both me and BF had to work weekends, so we couldn't keep SD on weekends.  If weekends are important to both of you, you can make Saturday the day that gets traded every other week.

 My husband got into an agruement with me on the phone
>and he was screaming at me that I am nothing to his daughter
>(my step-daugher, the one I raised for the last 8 years of her
>life).

During the custody hearing, you could try to get joint custody and/or visitation of your SD.  The court may find it's in her best interests to stay with the parenting situation she's grown up with--you being her mother figure--and to keep all the siblings together.

I hung up after he screamed that over and over bc I
>didn't want our children to hear him talking to me like that.
>There is a zillion other petty things that I am sure all of
>you have been through. Why doesn't my daughter want to call me
>on the phone when she is over there? I worry that he (and his
>family bc he lives with his mom and dad) are bad-mouthing me
>or something.

Again, my SD RARELY asks to call her mom while she's with us.  Usually if she does, it's b/c we just did something really cool and she wants to tell her mom about it.


I'm sure its hard for you and hard for the kids.  I think you should get some counseling, so you can clear up any "issues" you have with your own emotions so you can start helping the kids with theirs.

Are you and I the same person?

I say that, b/c I have an 8yo SD and I am "the mom" in our situation, too.  Except we have 50/50 custody, every other week we switch off.

Anyways, our BM has a real hard time telling the truth.  Basically, if words are coming out of her mouth, you should pretty much think of the opposite thing, and that's the real story.  It is actually pretty funny....or anyways we have to laugh about it b/c we're tired of being mad at her all the time.

If I were you, I certainly wouldn't try to mend things, unless of course the Dr office calls you and says that they got a check in the mail, it was addressed wrong or something.  But basically, BM knows she lied to you, and she will get over it, b/c probably it's not the first time she's been called on a lie before.  And it sounds to me like she "needs" you, so she probably won't hold it against you.

Our BM gets incredibly mad when you call her on a lie.  But, we really think she has a mental disease, and she doesn't realize that she's lying.  Lies become the truth for her, and so she gets incredibly mad when you call her on it, even if you have solid, physical proof that she lied.

For example, she told us that she had been taking SD to the dentist, and had been paying all the bills, so we should pay all the Dr bills.   So when SD showed us the huge cavity hole in her tooth, we asked BM what was up, why hadn't she been taking her to the dentist?  And she told us "I just took her last April....let me look it up....it was April 12th (or whatever). "  And then she made this big deal about how it was $XX.xx and she hadn't even asked us to pay for part of it, and how the dentist had said she's lucky she doesn't have teeth like her brother's, and how the dentist was her second cousin or something like that.  She even gives me his name and phone number, FROM MEMORY.

So we call the dentist to see what's up with this cavity and to make an appointment for SD, and guess what?  He's never seen SD.  "Are you sure?"  we ask.  He says, "Well she was in my office about 6 years ago when she was real little and her brother had an appointment.  But I've never looked in her mouth before.  He even writes a letter saying so.

So we ask BM about this and she says, "I don't know why the dentist would say that!  He's seen her dozens of times."  Really.  As if the dentist, her cousin, would lie about it!

Anyways, I'd just carry on business as usual with her, and remember that you can't try to rationalize the thoughts of an irrational person.

>I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with this statement.  Not
>thinking about principles is how our society has gotten into
>this mess in the first place.  Not thinking that the family is
>a necessary unit, not thinking that fathers are necessary, not
>thinking that it is absolutely vital to show children strong
>examples of what a family looks like is disastrous to the
>future of our children and their children.

You are entitled to your opinion, but please don't imply that I ever said that fathers are not necessary!   That is not what I was saying AT ALL.  I was just trying to point out that avoiding conflict is usually the easiest way to get BM to start cooperating with you instead of being bitter and hating you.  I'm sure there are lots of ways to look at the problem, I was just sharing my experience, and some things I wish I had been strong enough to do.  When BF and I were first together, I was not strong enough to swallow my pride, and this really made things a lot harder for SD because BM hated me so much and I gave her plenty of fuel for the fire.

>
>
>Our goal here should be to teach our children how to have a
>strong marriage.  A strong marriage does not look like someone
>sneaking around the back of an auditorium, or avoiding
>conflict just to make an irrational being happy.

Well, I suppose if I was sneaking around on my husband, that wouldn't be a strong marriage, would it?  But that wasn't the point of what I was saying.  There are times in life where you just have to bite your tongue, suck it up, and get over it.  If you don't teach your children that, they will eventually wind up getting in trouble for talking back in school, fired from a job for insubordination, etc.  In melissa3's situation, BM is in control right now (because she is the primary custodian).  A judge will want to see that BF is trying to cooperate, co-parent, and get along with BM if you guys want to get a chance at 50/50.  That means that you're going to have to try not to piss her off for awhile.  Not forever, just for awhile.  That's my opinion, and I"m entitled to it.

>
>As much as you might not want to see the SD begging you to not
>make her go back to her mom, allowing your SD to see the
>consequences of irrational and spiteful behavior is truly the
>best way to teach her not to be irrational and spiteful.

Can you not give your hugs and good-byes before BM gets there?  What is so wrong with that?


  If
>you reward BM by giving in to her behavior, SD sees that the
>behavior is the best way to get what she wants.

Have you ever successfully ARGUED your way out of a speeding ticket?  Maybe beg, plead, flirt, and sweet-talk, but arguing doesn't work.  Doesn't matter if you were actually speeding or not.....there's just no point in arguing about it.    THink of BM as a bad cop--has some power, and loves to flaunt and abuse it.



>
>The truth is never, ever something to hide from.  Don't teach
>your SD to do that.
>


BTW--after 6 years together with BF and SD, I am the "mother" figure in her life.  No, she doesn't call me mom, and I don't ask her to.  But I'm the one who takes her to lessons, activities, school stuff, etc.  I'm the one who taught her to ride a bike, to read, etc.  She knows how her mom is, and she knows that I love her with all my heart.  I don't think she thinks less of me b/c she knows that I avoid conflict with BM.  It was years ago, when I stubbornly stuck to my principles without regard to whether they would infuriate BM or not, that's when I was barred from activities, school, etc.  When I starting avoiding conflict, that's when BM started letting us see SD more, enroll her in activities, etc.    That's just my experience.  Yours may be different....

>
>One thing that keeps gnawing at me is I don't believe we (SD,
>fiance and I) should tip-toe around BM in order to not hurt
>her feelings. I mean should SD's heart be broken everytime I
>miss dance recitals because BM is a whiney pain in the ass??
>I'm sorry, but that doesn't sit well with me, you know?

I suggest that you go to the recitals, but come a little late, and sit in the back, and then leave as soon as it's over.  Maybe BM won't see you.  You will know you were there.  You can tell DSD you were there, but sat in the back (you can even take pictures or a program so she'll know for sure in case BM tells her you weren't there).  But don't make it a big deal you were there.  IT SUCKS but you just have to suck it up for awhile and do it.  I know this from experience.  Don't go to the lessons unless you know BM won't be there (for now).


>
>I really drives me nuts to hear BM preach that she only has
>her daughter's best interest at heart and then she turns
>around and ruins things becuase I was involved.
>
>For example, BM completely destroyed a lovely day at the lake
>just because I was there. It was Wednesday visitation
>(5pm-8pm) and fiance and I decided to pick SD up early from
>daycare to go boating.

Now, see, in the future, let DAD pick up SD, and then stop by the house (or wherever) and pick you up.  If BM doesn't want you at daycare, then just don't go unless you're the only one available to pick up SD or something.  IT SUCKS, but you have to suck it up for now.   BF used to drop me off down the block, go pick up SD, then they'd come back and pick me up.  THat way I wasn't in the car and BM couldn't throw a fit.  IT SUCKS, but just remember that you are doing it for the kid, not for BM.  SD doesn't want BM to hate you.....so help facilitate that by not doing stuff that will make her mad.  You're just going to have to stop thinking about principles, and suck it up.  Sorry, but it's true....


Well, the daycare lady told BM that I
>was there at pick-up and BM drove 45min out of the way to the
>lake house to get her daughter. Note: BM wasn't supposed to
>talk to the daycare lady that day. Bm was attempting to pick
>SD up before fiance did so she could deny visitation. Good
>thing we got there early!!
>

I, too, have been there, done that.  In my case, BF and BM were never married--not even in a relationship.  When BM found out, she immediately started making our lives a living hell.   Calling the cops, our employers, our parents making false accusations about us, etc.  It was really, really tough.

Fast Forward 6 years, and she is still evil.  She will never change.  I agree that the best thing to do, even though it SUCKS, is to go out of your way to try not to make her mad.  Don't sign the cards, don't go with BF to pick her up, etc.  I have found that, while I HATE having to do it, making nice with BM is the best way to get her to cooperate with us.  And for about 2 years, the best way I made nice with her was to downplay my relationship with BF and with DSD.  I have learned a lot from having to deal with her, and it has taught me a lot of patience, how to swallow my pride, and how to "smile and nod."

Work on getting your visitation established--get as much as you can.  You may not get full custody or 50/50 right now, but getting EOW (or 3/4 Weekends), Summer and Holiday would be better than supervised visitation.   Pay your child support, BF needs to go to school stuff, DR appointments, take her to church and activities, etc.  DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT.  IF BM is harassing you, record your conversations, etc.  Then when BM finally does something to warrent Change of Circumstances (i.e. drug-dealer boyfriend moves in), you will be ready with documentation of everything, to prove that BF is the better parent.

In the meantime, remember that kids are smarter than we give them credit for.  If you love your soon-to-be DSD, she will see this, and she will love you, too.  If she tells you "Mommy doesn't like you" or "Mommy says I shouldn't love you."  Just tell her that she has a big heart, and she has room in her heart for her mom and dad AND for you, too.  My DSD started realizing around Kindergarten/1st grade that BM was always hateful and talking bad about us, and that's ALL she did.  We took DSD on vacations, to sports and lessons, ate lunch at school from time to time, etc.  She knows what's going on.  Kids are smart.

Good luck.  And remember you're not the only one.  And you'd better love this guy a whoooole lot, because remember that once you get "attached" to his daugher, if you guys should split up (God forbid), you will have absolutely no rights to see DSD anymore.  Hate to add that part in, but it's true, so make sure that you realize that.

>
>Jade happened to be a STEPdaughter at one point.

I was an Algebra student once.  That certainly doesn't mean I know how it feels to be an Algebra TEACHER, does it?

 And to be
>quite blunt, the stepparents sticking their nose where it
>didn't belong only made it worse for my siblings and me.  Have
>you ever, once considered, that that is what happens when
>stepparents overstep their boundaries?
>
>

Have you ever, once considered that not every family fits into the box you want them to?


>One doesn't have to be a stepparent to realize that a
>stepparent is quite capable of making a tense situation worse.
>
>
>And if I ever become a stepmom, I will respect the fact that I
>am NOT the mom.  And that I have no say in the financial
>matters between the ACTUAL parents.  

I hope that if you ever do become a step-mom, that the childrens' ACTUAL mother doesn't leave you to do all the work of raising her children like some BM's do.  It would be really great if all mothers stepped up to the plate and did stuff with their kids, took them to appointments, practices, etc.  But guess what?  Not all mom's do.  So should the step-mother say, "Tough luck, stepkid.  I'm not your ACTUAL mom so you will just have to miss baseball practice b/c it's none of my business if you get there or not."

Should the step-mother say, " Sorry that you don't get to go to camp, step-kid, because your ACTUAL mother said she was going to send in the registration forms, but she didn't, and that's none of my business."

Most step-moms want what's best for their step-kids.   Please give us credit for that.  I'm sure that SOME step-moms overstep their boundaries, but you know what?  Being a step-mom is not exactly an easy job.  
>
>And the actual mother in this case IS actively involved in the
>child's life.  And, yet, the STEPmother thinks she happens to
>be the mom.  She is clearly overstepping her boundaries.
>

I don't think the step-mother really thinks she is the mom.  I think when she wrote that, what she MEANT was that she's the "responsible party," who keeps track of the appointments, practices, school calendar, etc.

 Just like I think when she said she "forced eye contact," I don't think she means that she took the mother's head in her hands and opened up her eyelids and forced her to look directly in her eye.

Did anybody think that?  C'mon, show of hands.

Clearly, Jade, you're entitled to your opinion.  Just remember that not every family is alike, and there are lots of different kinds of family dynamics out there.

It is quite obvious that Jade is not a step-mother.

Lets just cut her some slack for the time being, and remember that until she has some ACTUAL step-children that she ACTUALLY loves, and she might ACTUALLY care about what is best for them; regardless of if their ACTUAL mother ACTUALLY actively participates in their lives or not--

well, until Jade has some ACTUAL step-children, she just won't ACTUALLY understand what it's like to be a step-mom.

So geez, guys, cut her some slack and quit forcing her to post messages here.  It's harassment!

;)

My SD's BM has mental issues, which are not quite noticeable to people who don't really know her, so that is frustrating.  Mainly, she has a hard time telling the truth, combined with an eating disorder and panic disorder....

I can get over the fact that she lies to me, lies to everyone about everything.  Lies about illness, so she can play the victim.  If she gets really mad at someone, she'll call the police and make up a story about how they beat/raped/stole from her.  She lies to SD's drs and teachers, telling them that they aren't allowed to share information with us.

We can't tell which of her "medical conditions" are real or fake, so we don't know what we should worry about as far as SD inheriting things from her mom.  I guess as long as she doesn't inherit the mental illnesses, everything else is small potatoes.

What really burns me is when she lies to SD.  Tells her she is going to do something with her, and then doesn't do it.  Tells her bad things about me.  Tells her that DH and I are getting a divorce, and she'll never see me again.  Tells her that they're moving away and SD is going with her and will only see us on the weekends.  That really makes me mad.

She gets pets for SD, then gets rid of them a couple months later and tells SD they got run over, they went to live at a farm, they're at "obedience school," etc.  She is currently trying to guilt us into taking her cat--it will be the 3rd cat she's gotten rid of.

The other thing that burns me up is when BM tells me that I don't love SD "as much" as she does, and that I don't understand that because I don't have any "real" kids.  BS!  I have been a part of SD's life since she was 1.5 yrs old (BM & BF were never married--never even really dating).  We've had 50/50 custody for more than 3 years now, and I am more of a "parent" than BM.  I take SD to all her lessons/activities/games.  BM rarely attends sports/school activities.  BM has the nerve to tell me I am "overstepping my boundaries" one day, and call me and ask me to take SD somewhere for her the next day.  And BM is a "stay at home mom" but won't even sober up long enough to bake cookies for the bake sale, and has only been to 2 out of 10 sports games this year!

She also had the nerve to try to ask us for child support, even though she voluntarily doesn't work b/c her new husband makes more money than DH and I put together!

I REALLY enjoy being a step-mom.  I like having the 50/50, because I still get alone time with DH, but we also get plenty of time with SD, especially b/c we take her to all her extra activities during BM's week, b/c BM won't take her.  But I wish that BM would cooperate a little in raising her daughter, and would quit bitching at me all the time.  And DH's attitude doesn't help at all--he just argues with her all the time, and he's not responsible for keeping dates/times straight.

I don't think you're being selfish at all.  I guess I have it lucky...SD is my only child, so I can devote all my time to her.  It makes me scared to have kids with my husband b/c I'm afraid that SD would resent them.

What ticks ME off is that really, if BF and BM were to really examine who spends the most time with SD doing activities, sports, school work, cooking meals, doing laundry, etc, it is ME.  That's what bothers me.  DH wants to file for full custody on the grounds that he's a better parent than PBFH (which he is) but really it's ME that's the one who makes him a better parent.  

I've come to accept that it just sucks to be a step parent.  You are expected fulfull all the responsibilties of a bio parent, but you don't get the rewards/credit for it that the bio parents do.  I had to declare a "Step-mother's Day" because I was so mad that PBFH got cards and gifts on mothers day when she never does anything with her kids, and I didn't get anything.  I really feel for you.  I bet there's a support group out there on the internet somewhere for women like us.