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I'm pretty new here, but I think that PBFH means "Psychotic Bleep from H*ll."

I can't give you much advice, since I am pretty much going through the same stuff as you are.  I have tried being nice to SD's mom (who was never married to DH and actually was never even dating him--long story).  She has called me crying on numerous occasions, I have bailed her out by picking up SD from school when mom wasn't able to, bringing lunch money & supplies to school, etc.  I have even babysat her PBFH's other kids, taken them places that their mom won't take them, cooked meals for them when she was sick, etc!  And do you want to know how she has decided to repay me?  By saying I'm a "babysitter" and don't count as a parent in the right of first refusal.

The only thing I can say is that SD (7) is starting to realize that her mom has mental issues, and that she shouldn't believe what she's saying about DH and me.  I have taught SD that if you think someone is lying to you, it's usually easier to avoid confrontation by pretending you believe them....she applies this to her schoolmates and her mom.  When she says she's worried she will turn out like mom, I point out that she should examine what her mom does that hurts her feelings, and use it to make herself a better person.  I told SD that having to be nice to her mom, even when I disagree with her, has made me a more patient, level-headed person.  Your stepkids will figure it out eventually....

I'm not sure about the forbidding them to come to your house thing.  That may alienate them even further.  Perhaps you can just make sure that your son isn't alone with your stepkids to avoid any accusations of inappropriate behavior?  

Good luck, and know that you have lots of step-mom's on your side!

In my case (I am SM) I am the one who takes child to after-school activities, sports, etc.  I attend all school events, BM does not.  I think BM is saying steps don't count in first refusal to 1) Make us mad, and 2) Get more time with child so CS will be increased.  BF offered to quit his weekend job if this was the case, and BM got incredibly angry with him.

I think when we go back to mediation we are either going to get first refusal thrown out, or put it in writing that steps count in first refusal.  Otherwise I'm going to start charging BM for when I "babysit" child during her time, which I do on a weekly basis!

I would be interested to hear answers to this question, because similar conditions are happing to us.  I am SM.  BM says that I don't count in right of first refusal (ours is 4 hours), so when DH works at night, child should go to BM's instead of stay in our home with me.  Anyone have any ideas?

I've never heard of a 2-2-5-5 method.  We currently do week on/week off, which has been the least confusing method for us.  Before that, we did 3-4-4-3, which worked okay when DD was younger, but the week long is actually seeming better as far as getting routines established, etc.  When we did 3-4-4-3, it was Sun-Mon-Tues and every other Weds with Dad, then EOWeds, Thurs, Fri, Sat with Mom.  We did this basically b/c Dad worked on the weekends, so it was difficult for him to spend time with DD on weekends.  Mom LOVED it, b/c she got every weekend.

My DH was in a similar situation with his daughter.  BM was also very controlling, basically calling all the shots, and making him visit at her place, I think in her crazy mind this made her think they were a "family."

He sacrificed a lot of time with DD, and a lot of his rights as a father, because he didn't want to have to deal with BM.  Now we are trying for custody (DD is 8), and it is MUCH harder to prove he is the better parent, b/c while he's had 50/50 for 3 years now, there's still that first year of baby's life where he was seemingly "uninvolved" and BM keeps bringing that up.

He really should wear the recorder, and he shouldn't visit with DD in BM's home.  He's going to have to get an agreement, and barring a criminal record, there should be no reason to have visitations be supervised.  Being alone with BM is a very dangerous thing.  If she gets mad at him, she could call the cops and tell them he hit her, and believe me, they will take her word for it even if there's no marks on her.  He needs to protect himself from this by either taping every time he's with her, or bringing a witness along.

Also, any money he's giving her, he needs to get proof that he's paying it.  Either write checks and then keep a copy of the cancelled check, or pay with a money order, etc.  Don't give her cash, b/c she'll deny he ever paid her anything.  Also, keep all receipts from Dr bills, etc, and any reciepts from if he buys formula, diapers, etc.  These will help him prove he's supporting his child's needs.  Also, he should find out when DR's appointments are, and try to go to all of them.  This will keep him involved in baby's med care, and it will be very hard for BM to "attack" him in the Dr's office.  Also,  if the Dr notices hostility of BM towards BF, he could testify this if need be.

Yeah, you should even volunteer to be the soccer coach next year.  I guarantee you that she will pull him out of soccer if you do that, and then you will have your weekends back.  OR, she may leave him in soccer, in which case you willl have a better bond with your son--he will remember that you coached him for the rest of his life.

BM signed my SD up for gymnastics just so she could come get her on our weekends (and piss us off).  We said, "great, what time is it, we will bring her and meet you there!"  She pulled her out after only a couple months.  Of course SD was disappointed she didn't get to do gymnastics anymore, but we had the last laugh on BM.

I agree that you should suck it up and take him to his games and ENJOY it.  In fact, you should attend his games when it's not your week, too, and cheer for him and be proud of him!  If I were you, I'd try to make an agreement where son is only allowed to do X number of activities at one time.  Then son needs to decide which activities are most important to him, and both parents support that decision and attend his activities.  If he chooses bowing over baseball, then mom needs to suck it up and take him.  If he chooses baseball and soccer, then you need to accept that and go to his games, and take him bowling for fun but don't put him on a team.  Maybe he could do bowling during the winter, when it's not soccer/baseball season.

Go to the Poconos without him when he's at his mom's.  He will say "It's not fair." and you will say "life's not fair."  But don't make him feel guilty about playing sports and keeping you from enjoying your weekend home.  Soon he'll be in Middle or Jr High and his games will probably be during the week.

Maybe you should try to get her to go to mediation with you, to work out an agreement.  You don't "have" to let a judge decide for you.  If you guys can come to an agreement, you can get your mediation agreement entered as a court order, OR, you can just agree to go by your mediation agreement, and if she suddenly starts withholding your time afterwards, that's when you take your case to the judge, and say, "hey judge, we were doing fine with this agreement we came up with TOGETHER until BM decided to go against it, can you do something about it?"  Compared to a lawyer, mediation is MUCH cheaper, and if you're able to reason with the mom, you are likely to get most of what you want.

The key might be to go into mediation asking way more than you expect, and then give a little in order to get what you want (like bargaining for a car).  For example, go in there saying you want 50/50 right away, and no child support, since you'll have the baby half the time.  Then you might bargain it down to 2-3 days (include some overnights if you can), and offer her some child support, in order to even get your overnights at all.  Then have her concede that you will work up to 50/50 by the age of X.  Does that make sense?  And DEFINITELY put in a move-away clause.

If she's hesitant with overnights, maybe you could work it out where you keep her overnight one of the nights where mom has her all day.  That way she's not really going 24 hours without seeing the baby, which might be what she's worried about.  Or if your days are free, go for more days during the week.  If your schedule allows, you could be the "babysitter" while mom's at work, and then you could work an evening/night shift.  That way both parents get the maximum amount of time, as opposed to a babysitter getting some of the custody time.

When you're bargaining, make sure you want her to know that you want to HELP with the baby, not just that you're "taking" the baby.  You know, like "I know you used to love to go out with your girlfriends on Saturday night, I want to help you by taking the baby on Saturday nights so that you can still go out."

My DH went several years getting a much better deal on custody time and child support by just making agreements with BM rather than going to court.  Then when they got to the point where they couldn't come to agreements anymore (essentially, BM said she was moving away and taking the child with her), that's when he went to court and got his 50/50 legal, since he had already set the staus quo as 50/50, and they already had a mediation agreement saying 50/50.

Just wanted to add my 2 cents here,  there is no reason why you shouldn't ask for joint physical and joint legal custody.  Especially since you've had the baby 2 days a week since she was born.  Try to get your court date ASAP, b/c you've already established the status quo that you CAN have overnights (assuming that's what you meant by having her every Mon/Tues), and that the mother had trusted you/allowed you to have those overnights.  Don't give her the time to establish a new status quo of limited visitation in the meantime.  Make sure your lawyer points out to the judge that BM voluntarily gave you overnights with the baby.

My DH had 2-3 overnights per week with his daughter from the time she came home from the hospital.  Mostly b/c the mom either wanted to go out, or wanted to get drunk, etc.  She pulled the same stunt and tried to take it away when he tried to get things "legalized."  The judge ended up giving DH MORE time, b/c DH said he wanted 50/50, and outlined his plan, etc.  (And BTW, BM used the arguement that she was breastfeeding the child, and the judge told her she would have to pump and/or supplement (as she had been doing before.  He didn't let her use that as an excuse to prevent overnights).

And that is an excellent point, that kids go to daycare every day, and in general they aren't TRAUMATIZED by it.  Lots of babies spend the night at their grandparents house on a weekly basis, and they aren't traumatized.  It will be much easier to get this set now as a baby, then to do it when the child is older.  The other poster is right, if it's all the kid has ever known, then they will be automatically adjusted.  My DSD is 9 years old now.  She's had 50/50 legally since she was 3.  And before age 3, she was usually 2-3 nights with dad, 2-3 with mom, and 2-3 with grandparents.  She was shuffled around a LOT, and she's a great, smart, well-adjusted, normal kid.

I need some advice....

We currently have 50/50 custody of DSD alternating weeks, and have been doing 50/50 for the last 4-5 years.  We established this plan through mediation, which was later entered as a custody order by a judge.  BM and DH were never married.

Over the last 2 years, BM has really started displaying mental and emotional problems and is abusing drugs, both prescribed to her and marijuana.  Her husband also smokes pot and may use other drugs as well.  He has a criminal record for possession of cocaine, about 6 years ago.  In addition, she complained to DH several months ago that she suspects her older son (from another man, not DH) is using drugs as well.

In the last 3 years, BM has "faked cancer" (shaved her head and told people she was getting chemo), accused a local sports hero of raping her (the county and state prosecutor refused to press charges due to the overwhelming evidence that BM was lying and sex was consensual), been prosecuted for passing bad checks, had their house in foreclosure (they resolved that one), and caught their house on fire (more on that later).

BM's drug abuse causes a real lack of "parenting" on her part.  She is usually either asleep or "smoking in the garage" when DSD gets home from school, has only come to 1 (of 9) soccer games last season, misses conferences with teachers, etc.  She "helped" DSD (a 3rd grader) with her subtraction homework one day, and told her she was supposed to subtract from L-R (hundreds first, then tens and then ones), so DSD got every problem wrong.  Seriously, she is so stoned she can't do 3rd grade math!

What really causes concern is that BM drives around while high or on prescription drugs (she has a prescription for Valium and Xanax).  We are really concerned that she will have an accident while DSD (or one of her other kids) is in the car.  She has a fender bender about every 3-4 months, but just says she's a bad driver, or is unlucky.

In addition, in Nov, she fell asleep with a cigarette and set her couch on fire.  They claimed that the entire house suffered smoke damage, and so they got all new furniture, carpet, paint, etc.

Also, she signs DSD out of school for no reason, with no note, just b/c she feels like picking her up early, or she has errands to run; and DSD has been late twice as well during BM's time.  We got a letter from the school that DSD will be considered truant if she is late or gets signed out unexcused (without a note from an actual physician) 2 more times.

On top of all this, BM claims that she will be moving next year, and wants us to sell our house and move to their new town as well.  We bought our current home 3 years ago, b/c BM moved here (her hometown) and claimed that she was going to live here the rest of her life.  We worry that if we do move, she will back out, and she will win custody on the grounds that it's in DSD best interests to stay in the same school w/her friends, etc.  But on the other hand, we don't really like the town we live in, we only moved here b/c it was best for DSD for us to live close to BM, but we'd like to be able to choose where we life, not wait for BM to choose for us.

Lastly, BM has asked if she can take DSD to a concert this summer with a friend of BM's, it's a weekend trip 5 hours away.  We think that DSD would enjoy the concert, and we want her to spend time "bonding" with BM (since it rarely happens), but we don't think it's safe to send her on a weekend "drugs and booze" trip with BM, and there's really no way for BM to "prove" she didn't use drugs on her trip short of demanding a urine test upon her return.

So my questions are:

Should we go ahead and find a place we like and move, thus providing the "change of circumstance" we need to sue for full custody?

What should we do about the drugs?  Should we call in an anonymous tip to CPS or something?

Do you think we should let her go to the concert?  Is it unreasonable to ask for a drug test as a condition?

Thanks for your advice!