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Messages - angel

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21
General Issues / Just curious...
« on: Jan 30, 2006, 02:38:40 AM »
I was just wondering if you have to have been a member for awhile before your questions get answered? Or is it just that people have had no dealings with certain questions so have no advice to give on a particular question?

Thank you in advance

22
General Issues / Parent admitting thoughts of suicide...
« on: Jan 28, 2006, 01:51:57 PM »
What should occur when one parent tells the other that they've been having thoughts of suicide?  (There is currently a joint custody plan in effect)

Do you have to leave the child with a parent who has admitted this to you? (This parent in the past has actually tried to go through with a suicide attempt).

Is it cause enough to file for temporary full custody? What steps should the concerned parent take?

23
Visitation Issues / BM (NCP) is wanting less time with son...
« on: May 31, 2006, 03:49:39 AM »
DH drives both ways (a 4 hour trip) December, January, and February -- first three weekends of each month to drop off son to NCP (birth mother).  

The first time BM had to drive half way in March, she informed DH that she wanted to start getting son only twice per month (instead of the usual 3 times).  Of course DH is thrilled that we will be getting son even more than what we have him now (as am I).  

Of course, come December, there's not a doubt in my mind that she'll want son "delivered" all three weekends (since she won't have to do any of the driving).

So my question is--how should this change of schedule be handled?

Should we make the BM file a new shedule? Or just let it go and use these 8-9 months as setting a precedent that she's happy to only get him twice per month, and only deliver him two weeks per month for each of those 3 months?

We just don't want her screaming come December that DH is only delivering him two weekends each month (even though that's what she's wanting NOW) so we want to know that we have legal ground to stand on, and are interested to know exactly how this should be handled.


24
Thank you for your reply, and yes, I wrote that he goes to relatives homes--I also wrote that he goes to friends' homes, or whomever will take him --even just acquaintances, including people who are known drug users, just so she can go out.

According to what our lawyer said, if this happened once in awhile for her to send him off like that it would be ok, but this happens every single time, and that since she really HAS very little time with him, what she time she has she SHOULD be using as bonding time, and since she's not,  that's a neglectful mother in the eyes of the law.

He said for example--if she only has him 6 hours out of the whole weekend on a regular basis without a good excuse, it equals neglectful actions (and she's lucky if she has him 6 hours, because he even spends the nights at other people's homes--it's rare for son to sleep in her house).

Lawyer also says that if she were working, that would be different, but she doesn't spend time with son simply because she has "better" things to do--things like getting her hair and nails done, going out to concerts, getting high, etc. Her excuse to son (who is 10, btw) is that she is "sick" so that he won't feel bad about her not wanting to spend time with him and having other things that obviously mean more to her than he does.

I am in total agreement that children SHOULD have availability to other family members--but NOT at the expense of what SHOULD be the child's time with mother/father. In all honesty, who should be spending more time with a child? A cousin? or a bio mom? Shouldn't it BE the mother if at all possible for the most part? (I'm not talking about son spending 2 or 3 hrs every weekend visiting with other relatives or going to a friend's birthday party, or occasionally spending the night with grandma and grandpa, (which is all healthy, and should be part of every child's life). I think you can understand what I'm trying to say....

What parent would even WANT that time if they're not actually USE it to be with their child? It just isn't logical, and isn't "parentlike" in any way shape or form (and I'm NOT talking about parents who have to work and then come home and treasure what little time they get). I'm talking about ones who COULD be completely available, but take themselves away to do other things on a constant basis.

I agree with you in the fact that it's not neglect when a parent has other duties that MUST be attended to, but what about when it's not? And in MY "mothers" mind, it's neglectful for ANY woman to not spend that time with her child when she's able to, (especially when there's so precious little of it!) and simply chooses NOT to--she's losing sooo MUCH of his childhood!

According to dictionary.com this is what neglect entails--
To pay little or no attention to; fail to heed; disregard
To fail to care for or attend to properly
Habitual lack of care

She is certainly guilty of that on HER part toward him, and having whomever else is available to DO it in her stead when she should/ could be, is just NOT going to cut it for son especially when he begins to see that she tries to get rid of him--in fact he's already begun to see it--so terribly sad for him, and it's breaks my heart to see him hurt.

25
Our son's bio mom who is NCP is entitled to parenting time adding up to around 120 days per year. She takes him only 80 of those days, and we have since learned that in reality, even though she "has" son, she really doesn't all except for about 35-40 of those days per year. Bio mom sends son off (on what is supposed to be HER parenting/bonding time) to either friends' homes, other relatives homes, pretty much to anywhere, or to anyone who will take him. Her parenting time is Friday evening to Sunday evening for three weekends per month, and unfortunately the weekend is her "sick" time (read "party time").

Should we try to get parenting time adjusted accordingly? We are losing time with son, just so bio mom can ship him off to whomever will "babysit" so she can go play. We feel this isn't in the best interest of the child, since it's supposed to be bonding time and even our lawyer has said that it would be considered neglect in the eyes of the law.

But is this something we *should* do? Like say for example try to take it down to 2 weekends per month? We just don't think that son should be off with God knows who when he could be with us.  

P.S. This is an ongoing weekend after weekend issue, it's not a once in awhile thing.

26
Visitation Issues / RE: children's refusal to visit
« on: Jan 31, 2006, 08:31:12 AM »
Wow, that's a tough situation. I have no legal advice, but do have a personal opinion.  

First of all, I can certainly understand the father's desire to see his children. It would be my advice as a mother (who certainly feels that it's in the best interest of the children to have a father in their life and to know that he loves his child/ren) for him to stop (at this time) trying to force/enforce actual parental time.  

The daughters are going to the extremes to make sure they do NOT have contact with dad, so he'll just end up making them hate him worse by trying to force them at this point. If I were him, I wouldn't want to risk further alienation.

I think at this point that Dad would get better results if he let his daughters know (through a letter, email, or phone call) that he can understand how the divorce was hard on them, and that he would love to see them, but he's not going to force them into doing what they don't want to do, and that he still loves them just as much as he ever did, and that whether they ever respond in return is up to them, but to please at least allow him to do things like send birthday cards/gifts, letters, email, etc.

If he continues to do this while all the while not putting down his ex in anyway, he has a better chance of winning them over than the way it's going now.

There's an old saying -- "You can lead a horse to water, but you CAN not make him drink", and I think that statement certainly fits this case, as unfortunate as that may be.  Also remember, that he'll draw more flies with honey than he will with vinegar, which is what would be required right now toward his ex wife to MAKE the visitations happen.

I have a bit of personal knowlege about how a child can have feelings of acrimony toward a father, (it happened with my son toward his dad because he felt his Dad had hurt me) and I know how hatred and rebelliousness can become worse over time if not handled with love and understanding, and in this situation, it may just be Dad who's going to have to give up what he most desires for the best interest of his children at the moment.  

I wish all of you the best of luck, and certainly hope that one day there's a breakthrough.   Please remember these statements are only my personal opinion, and I'm sure there are many who would disagree with me.  

P.S. To clarify my statement on having a bit of personal experience with this-- what may sound kind of odd, is that it was me who kept trying to make my ex and my son realize that they needed each other, as NEITHer of them showed any interest in seeing each other for two years. Happily in my son's case, it has all worked out, they see each other regularly now, and son and father do it gladly, whereas before, neither would have. So sometimes "time" itself can have healing properties.



27
Visitation Issues / RE: Questions and answers
« on: Jan 30, 2006, 02:50:56 PM »
Thanks for the reply and your time--I would've never thought of sending her attorney a letter.

28
I posted this question 2-3 days ago with no response, thought I'd try it one more time as time is growing short til the Super Bowl.


 My DH of 2 yrs. has physical custody of "Sam" but has a shared parenting plan with his ex/gf. The ex/gf (BM) only has "Sam" in her home approximately 60 days a year however, by her choice. When she gets him for her visitation time, she sends him off to other relatives/friends, anyone whom she can get to watch him. She has no interest in his education, health habits such as bathing, brushing his teeth, homework, etc. She lost a chance at physical custody because of her drug usage, and lack of mothering instinct. A guardian ad litem advised the court of what she saw.

Her current court arranged parenting time for "Sam"  are for the first 3 weekends a month. Past papers have stated that flexibility is supposed to be basically "understood" and is just accepted that both parents will be so.

DH has never turned his ex/gf down when she needed to arrange to have "Sam" on that 4th weekend rather than the first 3--she is still getting the same amount of time with him per month either way.

DH has only asked for the alternate weekend on 2 occasions in two years up to this point, and both times were due to extremely icy driving conditions, and we didn't feel it safe for "Sam" to be transported--both times were winter storms.  We live a 2 hour one way drive away from the BM.  His ex/gf (BM) on both occasions  had her lawyer write a letter stating that we were "refusing to allow her previously arranged parenting time", even though we offered the 4th weekend as a "make up". DH didn't bother to respond via our lawyer as it was ridiculous, and we feel goes to show just how inflexible she is choosing to be, and as she had gotten "Sam" that last weekend anyway.

This past weekend "Sam" expressed the desire to be able to stay here at home for Superbowl weekend, which unfortunately falls on the first weekend of the month. "Sam" called to ask his BM if it would be "ok" to switch the last weekend of this month for next weekend's time, and because she is angry at DH, she has refused.  If "Sam" were to be taken up there, he would end up having to listen to half of it over the car radio, which is no where close to watching it on TV, as any football fan knows. On top of that, he wouldn't be arriving home til very late, and has school the following day.

So my question is--she was offered an alternate weekend, and will again be offered the last weekend of Feb. to make up for the Super Bowl weekend, so is it unreasonable of us to just keep him here knowing that she was offered 2 alternate weekends to choose from?

"Sam" is 10 yrs old and VERy into football, and we're not trying to keep him from BM, just wanting a bit of the same flexibility from her that we show TO her. Remember that she'll be losing no time with "Sam", just as she doesn't when SHE requests the alternate weekend.

Could keeping him here for a special day get us into trouble--especially seeing as how we've been so flexible with her when SHE had plans?

Thank you in advance.


29
Visitation Issues / Please help!
« on: Jan 27, 2006, 04:26:22 PM »
Hi!

I realize this forum is supposed to be for the parent without physical custody, but I have no place else to turn.

A bit of background to help all out there understand where I'm coming from. My current DH of 2 yrs. has a physical custody-shared parenting plan with his ex/gf.  The ex/gf (BM) only has "Sam" in her home approximately 60 days a year however, by her choice. When she gets him for her visitation time, she sends him off to other relatives/friends, anyone whom she can get to watch him. She has no interest in his education, health habits such as bathing, brushing his teeth, homework, etc. She lost a chance at physical custody because of drug usage, and lack of mothering instinct. A guardian ad litem advised the court of what she saw.

Our current court arranged visitations for "Sam" with her are for the first 3 weekends a month. Past papers have stated that flexibility is supposed to be basically "understood" and is just accepted that both parents will be so.

DH has never turned his ex/gf down when she needed to arrange to have "Sam" on that 4th weekend rather than the first 3--she is still getting the same amount of time with him per month either way.

 DH has only asked for the alternate weekend on 3 occasions in two years.  His ex/gf on all 3 occasions has had her lawyer write a letter stating that we're "refusing to allow her previously arranged parenting time". He didn't bother to respond via our lawyer as it was ridiculous, and we feel goes to showing just how inflexible she is choosing to be, and as she had gotten "Sam" that last weekend anyway.

The reasons for the first two requests were extremely bad/icy road conditions in our area (we live 2 hrs from BM). This past wknd"Sam" expressed the desire to be able to stay here at home for Superbowl weekend, which unfortunately falls on the first weekend of the month. "Sam" called to ask his BM if it would be "ok" to switch the last weekend of this month for next weekend's visitation, and because she is angry at DH, she has refused.

So my question is--she was offered an alternate weekend, and will again be offered the last weekend of Feb. to make up for the Superbowl weekend, so is it unreasonable of us to just keep him here knowing that she was offered 2 alternate weekends to choose from?

"Sam" is 10 yrs old and VERy into football, and we're not trying to keep him from BM, just wanting a bit of the same flexibility from her that we show TO her. Could keeping him here get us into trouble? Thank you in advance.

30
Father's Issues / RE: The Media Missed this one!!!! (Of Course!)
« on: Jan 31, 2006, 09:04:53 AM »
Bad stories always get more press than a good one, a child displaying bad behavior winds up getting more attention (albeit not the right kind, but attention nonetheless) than a child with good behavior, the squeaky wheel gets the oil, etc.

This is just the way things have always seemed to be--very unfortunate, I agree with you.


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