Messages

soc..... hope all is well with you.

got some disturbing news today...

all in FL... admidst dual-modification of custody in joint equal custody situation.

hearing today for summary judgment of oc/ex's case (no legal foundation) and the hearing was also for amendment to my modification, because my original attorney died and new attorney wanted to streamline the pleadings.

basically.... amendment was granted. oc objected to summary judgment being entered at this time and requested that it occur after mediation and following the receipt of court ordered custody evaluation report (performed by an attorney). judge agreed.

the disturbing part....
the judge told my attorney that we were not going to win our case. we have compelling medical neglect issues regarding asthma, ex's smoking around child, dcfs investigation, etc....

and the judge, without seeing/hearing our evidence or expert testimony, which is great, that we are not going to win our case.

my attorney says that he is no longer able to help me. that i need to seek an attorney outside of our district to request the judge be removed from our case.

and we only have 10 days to do something about it...

we have only had this attorney 2 months.... and he has been 10x better than our previous attorney.

1. why can't he file the change of judge? is it a risk to his career?

2. could we be defeated already?

3. how do i find a cut-throat attorney, specializing in family law only that won't put us on the back-burner, like our first attorney, and allow key information/items fall thru the cracks?....( i don't know if there is a nickname for those types of attorneys that only look at your case the night before a hearing and do nothing in between...)

4. do you have any pointers?.... i'm really stunned here.

thanks for your help and your time, you are a godsend

well, this got worse.

of course my ex emailed me stating that i hurt the children by asking them to keep a secret.

when they returned home we talked about it all. it turns out that dad and stepmom sat them down and made them upset by telling them it was wrong to not tell them, that they should have told them about it and that it was the same thing as lying.

they have spanked the children for lying... so of course they were upset and crying.

i feel horrible!  poor babies!!!  i told them that they did nothing wrong and that i was sorry that they had to deal with that situation. i also explained my philosophy on secrets once again and that it is not just 'black and white' or 'good secrets and bad secrets' but that they are old enough to make the decision on their own.

it is only a bad secret if it hurts them or upsets them to keep it or it will hurt someone else if they keep the secret.

what a mess.
i told their dad that i felt the situation could have been approached differently. and in doing so, it could have spared the kids the guilt and hurt that occurred.

it is most important that she set up a tight schedule/routine for everything. even better if she makes up a calendar of weekly events, including but not limited to daily chores, activities. the most she can do personally for her children is to be a loving mom and maintain a routine.

for example.... the weekly schedule i made for my children included monday library day (we picked out books to read all week), tuesday game night, wednesday church/awana night, thursday bike/scooter night (to the river) and friday was the best!!! it is boogey night... we dress up in costumes and dance. saturdays are kid's choice activity (i give the options).
every night i tuck them in and we say prayers (one we made up beginning with 'thank you god for mommy, and daddy and child 1, and child 2, and step sisters, and step mom, etc....and take good care of them because we love them).
at bedtime i often give them a few minutes of mommy chat time (especially first night back from dad's house). before long they are anticipating telling you everything. it also helps them get things off their chest that bothers them.
i found that if i forgot to initiate this one night, they would immediately remind me. they need these things. it gives them stability to be able to anticipate their day.
little things that are unique between mom and kids are good things too... whether it be nicknames, an activity (rocking at night... they aren't too old for this... this is when i get a chance to talk with my children about their day.
i admit sometimes it is difficult to keep up, but it is a priority, because they are number one.

other than that it sounds to me like the children my need some professional help dealing with the situation. this can be very rewarding. but start the routine/schedule asap  if one is not in place.

hope this helps.
god bless.

it is very strange to read all of these posts and learn that there are many people experiencing the EXACT same thing our family goes thru.

it really boils down to the behavior will not change until you correct it using the court. that is what we are doing.
we filed for contempt against my ex and are requesting a parenting coordinator to help us with issues like this.

with the children.... just do everything in your power to make it easier on them. even to the point of it doesn't bother you what the other parent does or when she/he reveals something the other parent has done, let the child think you already knew about that and tell him/her not to worry about it.

with something as big as an abroad trip that must be cancelled. first of all talk with your child and help him/her understand that they aren't being punished for the other parent's behavior. but judge accordingly. until you can clear the situation up in court, help your child deal with it. and if she/he really wishes to participate in the activity and it is not a major disruption (ie entire summer with you), then make it easy on her/him.... let her go.

basically, in a 50/50 situation, when it is your possessory period (your 50%) you have FULL control of your time with the child(ren). you have the final say. however, i would suggest using the postal service when cancelling such events via certified mail... stating something to the effect that since you were not notified of the even and it occurs in your possessory period, you have taken the liberty of cancelling the event and that the other parent must contact the organization if a refund is due her.

please do not worry about what other people think.... the only person that matters is the child.

good luck!

that is exactly why i have been cautious. i knew of the high risk with this pregnancy. i too have had two miscarriages in the past and many female problems prior to this pregnancy. it took over a year for this to happen.

thank you. that is exactly what my husband says.

i guess i have allowed him to make me feel defensive. it seems a weekly event that he accuses me of something i didn't do or twisting something the kids have said.

only recently have i stopped trying to 'explain' everything, like i have to defend my actions, decisions, or parenting ability.

he is a very controlling person and attempts to micromanage our household, but really it is my fault for allowing him to get to my that way.

i have been amidst a custody modification battle with my ex going on three years now... really slow moving.
during this time i got pregnant with my third child by my new husband.

now i am pregnant again... and this time with twins. we were concerned that we must wait a little while to let my ex in on the news, because of the possible reprecussions.  about two weeks ago my oldest children (from the previous marriage) found out about the pregnancy by mistake.

they are really excited, but i talked with them about the fact that i had planned to set a meeting with their father to tell him the news as well as other things that needed to be discussed. i wanted to be the one to tell him and have been attempting to arrange a third party meeting to do so... which has been difficult.

my ex is a hot head and very verbally abusive. i cannot have phone conversations with him or speak to him without a third party present. we mostly communicate via email.

i explained to our children that it wasn't a big deal. if it slipped out in conversation with dad or stepmom that it was ok and if asked, they certainly should not lie to them about it.  i just asked that they give me a little time to tell him myself.

tonight when my daughter called, she told me that the secret slipped out today. she said that her dad told her it wasn't good to keep a secret and that he would talk with me. i told her well, you knew you weren't going to get in trouble if it accidently came out. and she said 'i know.'

my explaining all of this to the ex will not make a difference. it will all be blown out of proportion. however, i do understand that to an extent it wasn't exactly the best thing to do. i just did not see any other choice in the matter. i know that our best communication is with our family pastor and that was the intention.

what do you think?

i have passed medications thru the school.... basically the same way you would if the child would be taking the medication at school.
fill out a Rx form (without indicating that the school should administer the drug) at the front desk and leave the medication. then BM can pick it up at the front desk.

but really... it is all a hassle. and that is what the BM wants it to be.

so maybe you could arrange a mail order Rx and alleviate this problem all together?  

i guess it is just about problem solving to remove the drama from your family's life.

and this problem will be replaced with a new drama for you to solve.

i totally agree... ignore her.
DH has made his statement about the options to meet to provide the medication. this is absolutely reasonable. do not respond to anything else.

does DD only have one insurance provider?  meaning do you and DH carry family insurance and BM carry family insurance as well?

i have had the VERY same issue about bras with my DD.  it is truly ridiculous.

basically... BM is a very unhappy individual. and wants to upset your happiness. so don't allow her tantrums to be a dark cloud over your lives. focus on your family and keeping a close bond with DD.
lots of family time... talking, playing board games, etc...

this has kept our family very close thru the turmoil of our co-parenting battles and the children even comment on how they really like how our family is so forgiving and closely bonded. they need to know that the other parent will never break that bond.

it is very important.

stay strong... it isn't easy dealing with a hostile parent.

depends on what  is in the CO/final judgment.

my final judgment specifically states 'mediation' as a step in dispute resolution prior to litigating issues. so in a disagreement, if one party requests mediation on the matter and the other party denies the request... it is contempt.

if it is not specifically stated in the final judgment, then it is not 'required'.
she can however, file with the court to get court ordered mediation.
and that depends on if this is a major decision.

it also depends on if your final judgment mentions anything about decisions regarding the subject matter.

on the other hand.... cooperative parenting and conflict resolution is best for children dealing with high conflict co-parenting relationships.

sometimes we have to be the better person and try to work these situations out for the better good.... for the children.

of course.. keep the VM recordings.