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Messages - IceMountain

#141
Thanks again for your advice.

My ex and I live 3 1/2 hours apart so 50/50 isn't in the cards.  

Mediation was ordered just last week so we are waiting for that to get scheduled.  I'm definitely asking for more time.  She has a copy of my proposed parenting plan and her words were 'you're trying to screw me'.  I guess if she considers me being an active part of my son's life her getting screwed....

Right now I have the standard EOW and 6 weeks in summer with shared holidays.  

Problem is holidays are 9-6, he goes to a year-round school (for now, who knows what the fall will bring), which only has 6 weeks off in the summer (but 10 other weeks off).  

In my proposed plan I've outlined the schedule for both year-round and standard 9 month school schedules.   I'm also asking the court to mandate that he cannot change schools again until he is out of elementary school.

I'm asking for holiday weekends instead of days and basically 12 weeks of 'visitation' throughout the year.  If he goes to 9 month school I want him for the whole summer minus 2 weeks for her, plus 1 week at Xmas and every other spring break.

I want custody, but I'm realistic in that it's probably not going to happen unless my ex murders someone or commits some other heinous crime.  

The lawyers I have worked with don't think I will have a problem getting what I am asking for.  Time will tell.
#142
We divorced 4 1/2 years ago.  My son wasn't in school yet.  The sad thing about his attendance is that the 20 days last year was only for 7 months because he didn't start at that school until end of October.

I know most of this won't matter to a judge.  I know it's a losing battle.  It's just so frustrating.  I truly want what's best for my son.  I posted the attendance thing to Soc last year when it became available to me.  It wasn't too promising, which to me makes no sense because it is definitely not in my son's best interest.

Do I have any other choice other than to wait another 5 years and hope my son will come to his own conclusions?
#143
I love my son.  I am tired of the games she plays to hurt him emotionally and the ways she tries to manipulate him.  It's killing me to watch him have to suffer due to her mind games.

I'm considering hiring a PI.  I can't find any friend, family member, acquaintance, etc. who has ever used one.  I don't know if it will help me.  

I know my son would be better off with me, but proving that is a different story.

1.  Last year he missed 20 full and part days of school.  I haven't gotten his final report card yet for this year, but last count last quarter was a total of 10 days.  Since I don't have the attendance report I don't know how many were full and how many were part days, etc.

2.  My ex informed me that she will be moving again.  My son will have his 4th school change in 2 years.  He attended 2 different schools during Kindergarten, attended a full year at the same school for 1st grade and will be changing again for 2nd grade.  (To be fair, I have moved 2 times in the past 2 1/2 years.  1 time with family due to finances then to own residence.)

3.  My son has learning difficulties that I think are directly related to his attendance.  She is now having him evaluated for ADD and his school did an IEP last week, which I should be receiving in the next week along with other school paper work.

4.  She 'enjoys' letting my son know what he is missing on the weekends he is with me.  3 weeks ago when I picked him up he walked out of the house with his bottom lip sticking out.  When I asked what was wrong, he said 'I'm going to miss X'.  This past weekend she announced at the pick up location that they were going to a local theme park.  My son was upset and told his grandfather 'that's not fair, I don't get to go to X'.  The next day he told my wife and started crying.  Those are just the last two examples.  I try to turn it around and focus on the fun things we are doing, but that doesn't always mend the broken heart of a 7 year old boy.

5.  There is, in my opinion, blatant favortism for his sister.  (My ex- wife's child from her 2nd husband, who she is still married to).  My son's step-dad admitted to me that they do special things for his daughter that they don't do for my son.  They traded rooms so his sister could have the bigger one.  Pictures on the wall are 2:1.  She is able to participate in more activities.  The 'family' takes vacations/trips when my son is with me.  My son got a new bike for his birthday present, his sister got one the same day, just because.  Of course these are just my observations and I can't prove much here.  

6.  My son told me that his step-dad yells at him all the time.  He told me that when this happens 'My mom has to get me away from him'.  I have witnesses of aggressiveness towards my son by him and just plain nastiness in the way he is treated by his step-dad.  I have no proof of actual abuse.

7.  My ex told me a story that just didn't add up concerning my son.  It's making me wonder if he is being left alone.

Now on to my ex and her 'games'

8.  She tried to threaten me with an Amber Alert 3 weeks ago because she didn't want to provide her share of transportation.  I have the police reports.  The transportation is based on a verbal agreement is not addressed in decree.

9.  She has lost her license 2 times this year due to traffic citations but still drove with the kids in the car.  I just found this info on court records yesterday.

10.  She is using the courts to try to manipulate the system.  She filed papers in her county to file for a petition to modify.  The same case is already on-going in the original county of decree.  She tried to 'just slip it in'.  I guess she thinks I'm stupid.  This is ultimately costing me $450-$600 in attorney's fees in her county just to have the case dropped.  I'm asking for attorney's fees from her, but I'm not real hopeful because she'll probably whine to the judge about her 'poverty'.

11.  Last week she called my son's school counselor to report that my wife is spanking my son.  She's either trying to damage the very positive relationship between my son and his step-mom or trying to pull more legal crap.  My wife works with children and could be hurt by false allegations.  She didn't get anywhere with the accusation.

12.  Last week she filed a bogus contempt charge against me.  I haven't been served yet, but I know it has to be bogus because I haven't done anything to go against our very generic divorce decree.

In addition to her little games:

13.  She is fraudulently receiving welfare.  Her husband is out of town alot so she just claims he doesn't live there.  He works full time and nets $2000 to $2500/month.  They get low income housing, food stamps and medical.  Her only provable 'income', as she refers to it, is child support.

14.  I also suspect she is receiving SSI for a 'disability', but working for cash.  

There is so much more but I just can't think right now.  The problem I face is that I can't prove my son is in any real danger and I don't know how to prove that I would be a better parent.  Another thing working against me is my son's sister.  Judges don't like to split siblings.  

I'm tired of my son being raised in an environment where he is subject to lies, manipulation and favortism.  I want my son raised in a home where he values rules, boundaries and the desire to work for the things he wants and needs.  

I'm tired of my son being dressed like a slob.  I'm tired of my son not being encouraged to bathe and brush his teeth.  There's no consistency in that home.  There's no accountability.  I'm just plain frustrated.  

We have a current action in court to modify the existing decree.  Mediation has just been ordered.  Will hiring a PI help me at all?  



#144
Custody Issues / RE: Representing self?
May 31, 2005, 07:35:45 PM
I just did a search for 'pro se tips' and clicked on the 1st link.  Here is what I was referring to, but you should read the article because there is alot of good info in there.

'Write down exactly what you want to say in advance. You can count on being nervous and forgetting half of what you want to say. Practice this and make sure it takes less than 4 minutes. Don't be afraid to read your statement to the judge. He understands that you are nervous.'

#145
Custody Issues / RE: Representing self?
May 31, 2005, 07:33:42 PM
I think I read somewhere else on this site that you can read your 'testimony' to the judge.  This will ensure that you do not forget anything you need to make of point of saying.  And you will look better prepared and present yourself better.  Do a search for pro se tips.  
#146
Father's Issues / RE: Father's at school...
Aug 29, 2006, 12:32:58 PM
I live 4 hours from my son, so I can't be as involved as I would like to be.  I participate in school conferences, IEP meetings, go to school fun days, have lunch with my son once a year, collect box tops, soup labels, and can tabs and e-mail his teacher, principal or school secretary with questions.  I send evelopes so his report cards and attendance records can be sent to me, along with progress reports and testing scores.  I visit his school's website regularly and keep a copy of his school calendar.

The school isn't always real timely on getting stuff to me, so I usually have to give a little push in the beginning of the year.  I don't let them ignore me because I have as much of a right to all information as his mom does.  And speaking of mom, I don't trust her to give me copies of anything because she picks and chooses what she wants to share.  (report cards come with attendance cut off, etc.)  If I get it from the school then I know I'm getting a full picture, and it is just easier than struggling with the ex.  Unfortunately the school can be reluctant to share information sometimes, but I am persistent... it's my son's education after all!
#147
Kitty,
Thank you for scaring the hell out of me and opening my eyes to a situation none of us had even considered.  We knew she was having a reaction, but (I) didn't realize how dangerous the situation could be.  
#148
Father's Issues / advice for my brother, please
Jul 17, 2006, 02:21:53 PM
This is IM's wife.

My brother and his wife separated about 3 weeks ago.  He's not saying much yet but when the time comes I'd like to be able to give him some direction.

For starters, my brother and SIL lived in Iowa until about a month ago when they began renting an apartment in Illinois.  My brother is now staying with my parents in Illinois.  My SIL is staying with her brother in Iowa.  I don't believe their address has been updated with county agencies because they still receive medical assistance from Iowa.

1.  If the separation becomes permanent, where would he file for custody or divorce?  Iowa or Illinois?

They have a 2 1/2 year old daughter.  They verbally agreed to shared custody 1 week on / 1 week off with exchange on Sundays at 5:00.  My brother had his daughter the first week.  SIL was supposed to pick up Sunday at 5, but called and rescheduled for Monday.  She was then supposed to return my niece on Sunday at 5.  She called my brother on Thursday and he picked up his daughter again on Friday afternoon.  Daughter is  with dad this week as this is the third week since separation.  

When my brother picked up my niece on Friday she was covered in bites that the mother/daycare provider (not sure which one) claimed were from picnic ants.  She has probably 30 bites on her body and her eyes were swollen and puffy due to the reaction of bites on her face and close to her eyes.  I advised my brother to take her to the doctor to have it documented how he picked her up, but he didn't go.  He has been giving her benadryl and applying calamine lotion and it has helped, but I'm afraid he made a huge mistake in not going to the doctor.

2.  Is there any way for my brother to protect himself regarding the shared custody plan without going to court?

My brother is going to counseling.  He started a few weeks before the break up.  He tried to get my SIL to go, but she refused.  When my brother has his daughter, the mom does not try to call or make any contact, etc. unless my brother initiates it.  His counselor advised him to stop initiating it and wait to see if she will call on her own.   Any other advice?
#149
Father's Issues / RE: DESPARATE HELP NEEDED!
Jun 02, 2006, 05:03:43 PM
Before you can file contempt she has to be violating a court order.  Do you have court-ordered time with your child for specific times?  If so and she is not complying with the order, then she is in contempt.  For example if your order says you get the child from Dec. 25 - Jan. 2 and she didn't provide her share of the travel requirements, resulting in the child not coming to your home, then she is in contempt.  However, if the court order only states you get 'visitation' as agreed upon... or '4 times' a year to be determined... or anything like that then it's hard to prove contempt.  You need specific orders to prove contempt.

You said you are to split costs.  Who pays for the flight to your home?  If you do, then fly the child to you and let her worry about how to get the child home.

Bottom line is she can't deny you 'visitation' time just because it doesn't fit into her financial priorities.

If you don't have court-ordered time, then your first step is to go to court to establish a parenting plan.  If you have court-ordered time and she is not complying because it is not specific, you need to get your order modified to get more specific.  If you don't then you will have a hard time getting time with your child because the other parent obviously does not want to cooperate.

How old is your child and how much distance is between you?  Do you fly the child or drive the child?  2 1/2 years is too long to go without seeing your child!  Does the ex allow phone contact or any other contact like e-mail, letters, etc?

The other thing is, after re-reading your post, you said you agreed to pay all the fare for Christmas and summer, but that you haven't seen your child in 2 1/2 years.  When did this agreement go into affect?  I guess I'd be careful filing contempt if you are also not following a court order by paying all the fare for summer and Christmas.  If that is the case, then you need to pay the fare to have your child this summer.  From that point, you are in a better position to file contempt.  You are probably better off gathering evidence from a few contempts before you actually file.  

Does your court order still state 1/3/5 wknds, even with a distance that requires a flight?
#150
Father's Issues / RE: moving agian, and again
May 30, 2006, 09:13:59 PM
I'm confused, what exactly did the ex's boyfriend do?  You just refer to it as 'it'.  What type of custody do you have?