Messages

BM just called and told me the results of a dr. appt. for my son.  There is a private issue involved.  She told me that the dr. informed her that they would have to 'notify' DHS.  I asked if they were filing a report and she said that they were only 'notifying' them to protect both parents from false allegations.  

I don't understand the difference????  How is 'notifying' DHS different than filing a report.  Won't there still be a paper trail of some sort?

Anybody have any experience with this?

I agree with Kels.  As stated on here over and over... treat it as a business deal!!!  My ex and I made nice before our divorce was finalized.  I let myself be taken advantage of and ended out with a vague, one-sided order.  

It's now been 5 years and I just spent more than $5000 in attorney's fees to get the original 'visitation' order changed to what I should have gotten in the first place.

Go in guns flaring!

Thank You all for your suggestions!  I knew I would get some good ideas from the forum!

I'm curious to know how the rest of you handle 'secrets'.  

This weekend he slipped and told me about an expensive item his mom purchased.  He said he wasn't supposed to tell 'because it costed a lot of money'.   (and probably because she just submitted a financial statement that definitely does not justify the purchase)  The only problem is that he was excited about it, so he wanted to share.  I tried to explain to him that it is not his fault he slipped and that no adult should be asking him to keep secrets, because he's just a kid.  But I don't think it helped.

Any suggestions on how to help my son not feel guilty when he slips?  (for the record, no, I am not pumping him for info)

You have given us an excellent suggestion, which I think just might work.  Thank you so much for giving us a sane approach to a difficult situation.  

I truly appreciate you replying!!!

The BS doesn't start and stop with him.  They've hurt me to the point of no forgiveness.

Thank you for verifying that I'm not insane.  My FIL is a very controlling person who thinks he needs to be the center of everyone's life.  When we moved he no longer had the control.  We moved due to the problems, but in some ways they increased.  I think he uses the ex to get back at us.  It's his way of still trying to control the situation.  It's too bad that they are losing their son in the process.

We have tried to sit down and discuss the situation but his attitude (which he shared with us) was he is senior and he doesn't care what anyone else thinks because he will do what he wants anyway.  Needless to say, that attitude put a damper on trying to have an adult discussion about the issue.  But we did try.

After that I removed myself and I refuse to have any contact with his parents.  My husband was at that point the other day, but he is getting softer about the idea now.  It's hard to disown your parents, I understand that.  But his parents have pulled so much bs that I can't forgive, I'm beyond that.  

My husband said the other day that he wished he had parents like mine, supportive and loving... I reminded him that he did... he has my parents!

My husband is having so many problems between his parents and his ex.  We are both so frustrated and don't know how to 'sanely' handle the situation.

Background:  My husband was divorced 3 1/2 years ago.  From that time until about 1 to 1 1/2 years ago his parents 'hated' his ex.  That all changed when my father-in-law 'found God' again.  At that point he thought he should forgive my husband's ex for the crap she pulled on my husband.

OK, fine, great, forgive her, we could live with that.  We got along 'ok' with his ex and always tried to be amicable for my stepson's sake.

About a year ago we chose to move from the city we lived in to another home about 1 1/2 hours away because there were so many problems being created due to my father in law and his ex's 'growing' relationship.  I know some people will slam us because we chose to remove ourselves from the situation, but we felt it was best to move away rather than deal with all the stress and tension his family was causing us.  We now live about 4 hours from my stepson.  

We thought the distance would help, and it has in alot of ways, except in referring to the relationship between his ex and his dad.  Every time we go to his parent's house all we hear is his ex this and his ex that... she's so wonderful this, she's so wonderful that.  Blah, blah, blah.  They have drove such a wedge between themselves and their son and they do not understand why we are upset.  They have also caused too many problems with their favortism of his ex and comparing her to me.  I've removed myself and will no longer attend family functions.

My husband's ex is a pathological liar and is so manipulative.  Her and my father-in-law are alot alike which is why they get along so well.  He admited to me that they basically just use each other.  She comes around and cleans for them, etc. and he buys her things, loans her money, etc.

They invite her to family get-togethers.  Last year they celebrated Xmas with her and my stepson and gave my stepson his gifts from them without my husband even there.  We did not get to celebrate Xmas with his family with my stepson present.  They did it with her so they didn't feel they needed to celebrate with their son present, too.

Fast forward to now.  My father-in-law not refers to my husband's ex as his 'daughter'!!!  Her daughter is considered their 'granddaughter'.   We are in the process of going back to court to have the decree modified for visitation.  Of course his parents think we are in the wrong for doing so.  I wouldn't be surprised if they paid for her lawyer.

Every time my husband disagrees with his ex she gets on the phone and calls his parents and lies about everything and his parents call and chew out my husband without even hearing his side.  It's so frustrating.  We have begun recording all conversations (about 3 monhths).  It doesn't matter, she can lie and twist everything, they can hear the recording and my husband is still in the wrong.

Does anyone have any suggestions for what we can do?  We are sick of his ex's involvement with the family and all of the lies and manipulation.  My husband's dad refuses to acknowledge the problems he is causing.  He doesn't understand why we can't all just be one big happy dysfunctional family.  We are tired of his parents taking everhthing she says as 'gospel' without even listening to their son.  We know we can't control his parents involvement with his ex, but how do we stay sane in the meantime?

What do you think the effect will be on families where the parents have already divorced and have joint legal custody????

KITTY.... Thanks so much for all the effort you put in to keeping everybody informed about this bill.

Thanks, also, for posting the update to the bill.  I had not seen this before.  I really like the new wording.  It opens more doors and provides for more 'proof' before a joint physical is denied to one parent.  (the previous wording was pretty 'vague' and 'loose')

HAWKEYE.... I saw your post on the Iowa Board.  It's what first brought my attention to this bill.  Thank You!

I, too, would like to be present for the signing of this bill.

HF22!!!  I'm going to write my letter now~~~~>