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Teaching a child coping tools/skills is never a waste of time. There are times it is less effective, but it is not a waste of time. Chemical imbalance or not, impulse control tools are valuable. SS was diagnosed ADHD. He had other issues which were not addressed and he "used" the diagnosis to excuse his bad behavior. He had the ability to control himself, because he did so quite well at our home, but failed to do so at his mother's home.

On another note, in order to get BM ordered to do a psych eval, you must either have an open ongoing court case or have sufficient change of circumstances in the life of the child or BM to overcome the threshold a court will impose PRIOR to letting a new motion be entertained. If you aren't in the middle of something already and you can't PROVE there is a change in circumstances you will not get the order you are inquiring about.

Having dealt with not only the school system, but the doctors when there is joint legal custody and there are disagreements in non-emergency medical and educational decisions, here is our experience. I hope you find it helpful.

In our case, DH had joint legal custody, the court order specifically states that each parent has emergency medical decision making and that they have joint non-emergency decision making. Each parent had the day to day decsion making while in their care. BM who had primary custody decided SS needed to be medicated for attention deficeit hyperactive disorder. Her diagnosis went in search of a doctor willing to write the perscription with little to no testing. The doctor had no medical history on the father and ignored other symptoms that SS had. Dr did a double blind study with 2 evaluations filled out (one from the BM, one from the school.) The school did their supposed evaluation on a day that SS was not in school -- he was out with the chicken pox. It was a mess. And we could not block BM from giving SS the medications for 8 years. The problem was regular medications legally fell into the day to day decision making.

The long and the short of it was that we could not block the doctor from prescribing the medication. We could not block BM from giving SS the medication, but we could withhold it with out repercussions. Eventually, the custody order was modified and wording was put into the order that BM MUST consult with DH prior to any non-emergency medical decision making.

Timing is going to go against you, as in order to block the vaccination, you will need a court order to block. With the holidays so close here in the US, the likelihood of obtaining that order is slim prior to the H1N1 becoming available (and likely utilized by the other parent.)

A hospital, doctor, clinic can treat a child with the permission of one parent, regardless of the wishes of the other parent, even when the parents are in an intact relationship. Only you can determine how your being out of the country effects your situation. The slowness of the courts is likely to be your biggest hurdle.

While I am not familiar with international law, I have heard of "domesticating a custody order".   Have you asked about registering your order in California and asking that CA enforce?

Gestalt > No reminder needed. I understood that it was for "at least a week every month."
And I never said anything about this being for the benefit of the mother, but alluded instead to avoid a detriment to this 3 yo child.
Wanna bet whether BF has talked to DD about him being gone and how she can talk to him from his house? That child is gonna freak if she cannot go to BF's house while he is gone and talk with her Daddy.  (My kids benefitted greatly by seeing their dad over the internet while he was in Iraq. Skype was very helpful in keeping our costs down.)

Let me be the voice of reason... I hope.

OP said the BF will be deployed for 4 months. That equates to 4 visits. Put aside your gut reaction to HOW Dad/BF/NCP made his wishes known (sometimes they are demanding pricks and sometimes they are just concerned fathers and we need to chalk it up to OUR perceptions of their ability to communicate). Think about what would happen for the child in each of 3 possible situations for the child.

If the schedule stays the same, she will barely get used to BF being gone, but her SM will have some sort of ongoing contact which the child can participate in while Dad is gone. Mom is doing her best to maintain. SM is doing her best to maintain.  She has someone to talk to about how she feels about Dad being gone without feeling guilty about it. Before she knows it he will be back and she will continue with the same schedule she has always had. The least amount of change has occurred FOR HER given this situation neither of her parents has any control over at this time. Think of this as the "when-life-gives-you-lemons-make-lemonade" option.

Now look at if BM/CP says, "No, she shouldn't have to go to her Dad's house those four months since he won't be home." Child is away from her normal routine (the hardships of travel and all) and her father's family for 120+ days. She is finally getting used to the feelings of abandonment she is likely to feel -- because even if old enough to understand, feelings are not rational and her Dad WILL be gone. She settles into her world as she knows it  at Mom's house, and tries to forget those feelings of having half her world ripped away for just long enough to instill some insecurities. She gets a childlike handle on the fact Dad is gone, her schedule is messed up and Mom is trying but its just not the same. She feels guilty because she can't feel the way Mom wants her to feel and that adds to her stress. She feels guitly because no matter how much she wants to think her Dad will be safe, she is worried about him and that  feels like a betrayal to Mom cause she is with mom but worried about Dad (120 days in a row remember).  I imagine this child will have a stomach ache until her father comes home. Think of this as the "When-life-gives-you-lemons-suck-it-up-and-drive-on" option.

Finally, look at a hybrid of these two. Child goes to Dad & SM's house while he is deployed, but she either does not go as often, or goes for less time each time she does. Child will have a place to talk to SM about Dad being deployed. She will get a few opportunities to talk to him (maybe see him on the computer if timing can be arranged). She will feel less stress about him being gone, but not as much as if she had more access to him (but you can't always get what you want.) She will however, have the problem of missing the trip to Dad's family (which she will have to hear about for a few years from cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents when they reminisce about the trip she missed.) She will also have longer periods between times at Dad's house (which she likely already has some sense of time between trips to dad's) and this will mess with her internal clock. It will take a few months after Dad returns for her to readjust to the previous schedule. This might work out, or it might not... depends on the child. We'll call this the "when-life-gives-you-lemons-make-lemon-meringue-pie-no-lemonade-no-lemon-bars-oops-sorry-the-lemons-spoiled-while-I-was-deciding" option.

I have named the options according to how a CHILD will view them. Sure, kids are resilliant, but they HATE change.

OP, you have portrayed your consent order as saying one thing, but if you are misinterpretting it, and you fail to let the child go to Dad's house on the given days in that order, you MAY have to answer for contempt charges when he returns... whether he wins or not, you both lose, and so does your daughter. Is this hill a big enough one to die on? Is it worth the turmoil to everyone to demand your way while he is gone? After all, you are the one trying to change things from the consent order given the new temporary situation. The order is new. Judges hate to hear from people when the order is new. You are not likely to get this into court BEFORE he leaves, but you are likely to have to answer for any denial of parenting time/visitation after he returns.

If you are worried about it setting a precident, then write him a letter stating:
"The manner in which you communicated your desire for no change in DD's schedule while you are deployed was  (fill in the blank -- condescending, irritating, irrational, whatever). Even giving you the benefit of the doubt, it came across as controlling and demanding. I was at first inclined to refuse.
However, after careful consideration of what is truly in DD's best interests for this temporary period, I suggest DD's schedule be (fill in the blank) which will allow for continued contact with your wife and extended family and provide the best opportunity for DD to speak to you while you are away.  Just to be clear, if I had not felt this was what is best for DD, I would not have backed down from my previous stance. I am not afraid to fight for her, but would prefer we not to fight over her.
In the future I would appreciate it if you communicate in a business-like manner and treat me with at least the same respect with which you might treat any stranger. I will attempt to offer you that same courtesy."

Modifying the court order verbally is essentially re-negotiating the order and makes the order less valuable as written. I was advised by one attorney NEVER to do it, and by nother attorney to only do it if it benefits the child.

My personal opinion is that since she moved and has a habit of moving, you should NOT give in on the drive, as she will move again some time in the future (pattern) and you will again be expected to give in and take up HER slack. Leave it the same. She needs a change in the circumstances of the CHILD or the other parent (you) or you to refuse to follow the order to go back to court. Call her bluff. A judge isn't going to slap you for following their own order and maintaning stability.

Don't give away pieces of an order that is not ambiguous... unlees the order mentions halfway and then says which place (which now might be ambiguous or unclear because that place is no longer half way.)


Stand your ground as a whole and give in when you feel like it.

If the child is 13 what is she doing on welfare?

All WA state forms are pattern forms and can be found online by going to:

http://www.washingtonlawhelp.org/WA/StateSubTopics.cfm/County/%20/City/%20/demoMode/%3D%201/Language/1/State/WA/TextOnly/N/ZipCode/%20/LoggedIn/0/iTopicID/862/sTopicImage/familyjuvenile.gif/bAllState/0 (http://www.washingtonlawhelp.org/WA/StateSubTopics.cfm/County/%20/City/%20/demoMode/%3D%201/Language/1/State/WA/TextOnly/N/ZipCode/%20/LoggedIn/0/iTopicID/862/sTopicImage/familyjuvenile.gif/bAllState/0)

There is also links to county by county specific court forms. I am not personally familiar with Ellensburg, but my hubby dealt with small town WA for the past 17 years. We live in Pierce, but SS lived in Whatcom county. Each county is a learning experience all its own.

Use the forms for divorce and child custody if you and Biomom were married. If not, use the "parentage" paperwork. Read through all the forms and fill them out as best you can -- think about how you can best serve the children's needs. Don't forget the CS forms.

IF the BM is a danger to the children, then think through how BM could resolve her issues and show she can properly and safely parent the kids. (e.g., drug rehab, parenting and anger management classes completed, whatever). Take these draft forms to meet with your attorney. Most will do an initial meeting for a reduced rate or for free (usully 15-30 minutes free.) Explain you need an ex parte motion and why. Be ready to hand over between $500 and $1500  for just the ex parte motion. If you are not ready to retain them, then they may be fine for just the initial filing while you seek other representation. If they won't go into court without a contract, make sure it says that this is only for the ex parte motion and that any additional agreements are not considered in this contract. Be clear in what you expect them to do. I suggest you have an attorney file the ex parte, because if you mess it up you cannot undo it. You don't have the time to learn to represent yourself and you need to get it right so you have time to prepare.

After you get that attoreny going on the ex parte motion, start searching for your "real" attorney. Interview several. If they have no passion for it, you will likely not get a positive outcome.

Read the articles on this site about how to hire an attorney. Then the one about what to put in a parenting plan. Educate yourself quickly.

Sometimes orders are written with double negatives and other roundabout thinking. The WSSR doesn't employ rocket scientists and they often find following orders to the correct payor difficult. Call them and explain that they have the wrong obligor/payor. You might alos state that you are not pursuing CS, as the child is not only emancipated, but living out of the country. Forward  copy of the most recent order (check the legal file to make sure there were no other orders you do not know about -- it happens and is the basis for overturn of even a recent court of appeals ruling). Write a letter outlining where in the order they should look. Try not to be condescending, as they don't respond favorably to it.

I have even found that complimenting them on their intelligence and your expectation that they will have no problem in rectifying the situation has had some positive outcomes. (Our case worker recently found $172 they had neglected to credit to DH for the past 6 years.)Ask them if they need any further information or if you can facilitate the matter in any way. If you say nothing, they will continue to think they have you on the hook and they will find a way to make it stick.

So glad to hear you reached the end of it all. We too have reached the end of it with BM. SS and DH maintain a good relationship, though SS dropped out of HS the last 2 weeks of his Senior year. No more CS and SS is of his majority now, so BM is out of the picture. She interfered to the last and then kicked SS out about 10 days after school let out (no telling what actually went on, as there has not been a word of truth come out of BM's house in 10 years.)

Found out CSE had not received a payment years ago, but when asked to go back and double check they found a partial payment they took out of DH's unemployment 6 years ago and credited that. The last payment was partial and there is a question whether BM is entitled to it at all, as SS was no longer enrolled in school just prior to June 1 (so no June payment due).

SS served in Iraq and is now (as of today) back in the states and outprocessing back to civilian status. He should be home in about a week. I can't wait!