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To be honest I cannot think of any logical reason why the BM would think that withholding parenting to be an effective punishment for your child misbehaving.  Does she view your parenting time to be nothing more than good times and fun and games?  

Maybe you should follow her rules and the next time your child misbehaves during your parenting time refuse to return the child to her as a form of punishment.  Seriously, you need to convince her that you do parent your child during your parenting time.  This includes giving guidance, discipline, boundries, structure, chores/responsibilities, etc.  In short that you are acting as a parent and not just a good time buddy.  

My feeling is that a person has the right to ask, but the person being asked also has the right to say yes or no without being concerned with the asking person's potential reaction.  With that said, no is a perfectly acceptable answer if you don't want to deviate from the court order.  I also think that it is important to try and not take the request personally.

If you are willing to be flexable, please make sure that you get make up time.  Perhaps add the time to your summer parenting time.

In a situation like this timing is an important factor to consider.  I think that the more time that goes by where SS is living with you the better chance you will have in having custody changed.  The more time that SS lives with you the more ties he is establishing in your household.  Maybe you should consider registering SS in your school system and waiting until SS has started school before filing for a change in custody.  

"Just because A Woman might have POPPED Them Out Of Her *****. or A Man may have provided some ***** Do You Really Think This Creates Ownership??"


Actually it is how the laws are currently written that creates ownwership of children.  Children are merely property and have vertually no rights under the current legal system.  This is yet another example of how the systems is flawed at it's very core.

For what it's worth I do agree with what you are trying to say, but until the system is changed to support the end result that you wish to see children will continue to be "property".  Creating financial accountability for both parents and structuring the laws to ensure that the child will be supported (rather than a redistribution of wealth from one parent to the other with no acountability) would be a good start.  Also, there should be a persumption of 50/50 parenting time with both parents being treated equally at the starting point of divorce (where women aren't magicly somehow the better parent).  

There should be nothing wrong with a level playing field and the removal of the financial insentives that the current system gives to the CP.  Remove those financial incentives and you will get agreements that better support and meet the needs of the children.

Ola,

The vibe i'm getting is that the BM has some kind of unconscious fear of "HER" children (I'm sure she considers them her sole property)bonding with you.  She really, really doesn't like the idea of "HER" children spending one on one time with you or that you are a positive influence in their lives.  So in sort I think BM is acting on her own insecurities.

Now coming from my own NCP perspective:  If it were me and I had to work during my parenting time I would make whatever arraingements I had to so that I would still exercise my time.  I would would not assume that my SO would take care of my children while I worked.  I would take to her and see if she would like to, but I certainly would not expect her to take on that responsibility free of choice.  I would also consider other family members to spend time with my children while I had to work.  In short, it is my parenting time and it is my responsibilty to make arraingements for their care while on my time.  Just like the BM has this same responsibility during her time.  

I think it was wrong of the BM to assume that she would just "keep" the children because BF has to work during his parenting time.  

What exactly have you done over the last 19 years to create and maintain a relationship with your daughter?


People will only create and maintain relationships that they comfortable with.  If you have been consistent in letting your daughter know that your door is always open to her, then that is about all you can do.  Your daugter needs to take responsibility for her part in creating and maintaining a relationship with you.  If she has decided that she doesn't want such a relationship, then there is not much you can do about it.

This means that women will want to be treated as an equal or as a woman whichever will give them the greatest advantage.  It sounds like basic human nature to me.  

I do think that a bi-product of feminism is that women in general no longer have a clearly defined identity.  This causes issues in how they perceive themselves and how they expect to be treated.  It also causes similar confusion in men as to how to interact and treat them.  JMHO

"My long term boyfriend had an affair and got the girl pregnant."

He sounds like a heck of a catch.  You aren't married to this man so you need to decide for yourself if you are willing to continue to accept this man given his actions that created this situation and the resulting additional baggage, or if it is a deal breaker which requires releasing the relationship.

"She has warned him that if he doesn't leave me she will have an abortion (WHICH HE VIEWS AS MURDER AND DOES NOT WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR)."

This is a very nice attempt to play on your boyfriend's guilt in order to get you out of the picture.  Unfortunately, this girl has absolute control over the decision to have an abortion.  Your boyfriend has absolutely no legal say in this decision.  It appears to me that this girl wants to transfer the responsibility of the decision to your boyfriend so that she can assume the identity of a victim.  Whatever choice this girl makes your boyfriend has absolutely no responsibility for.

Your boyfriend needs to make his decisions based on what this girl is actually doing rather than what she could do, or is threatening to do.  What this girl could do is merely an illusion since it hasn't happened yet.  This illusion of what this girl could do is creating fear in your boyfriend.  This fear is also an illusion and could be clouding your boyfriend's judgment.  Fear cannot exist in the present now moment so your boyfriend should make his decisions based on what this girl is actually doing not what she is threatening to do.  Staying focused in what is actually happening in the present now moment allows you to make your decisions from a place of peace rather than from a place of fear.

"While I see that as the best option, he is opposed to the thought of abortion and is afraid of what she may do."

I agree that having an abortion would probably be effective at getting this girl out of your boyfriend's life.  However, your boyfriend's moral and ethical values seem to be pro-life which means that his beliefs will encourage this girl to remain a part of his life, at a minimum, until the child becomes an adult.

"She is unstable at best and has been abusive both mentally as well as physically."

And I am sure that this behavior will continue into the future.  Unfortunately, your boyfriend will most likely be subjected to this behavior for many years to come since he will always be connected to this girl through the child.  Are you prepared to accept this as part of your life?

"What kind of rights does my boyfriend have as of now.?"

Your boyfriend has absolutely no rights until after the baby is born, and then he will need to establish paternity and get parenting rights through the court.  

One point that you need to understand is, that as a girlfriend you will never have any rights in any of this.  I know that you will have some influence in the choices that your boyfriend makes, but legally you will never have any rights.  

"How can we protect our selves from her and get full legal custody while she gets counseling?"  

It is unlikely that your boyfriend will get full custody right off the bat.  He will need to prove that the BM is an unfit mother, and that it is in the best interests of the child to change custody.  This is very difficult and expensive to do.

As far as your boyfriend protecting himself goes, he would do this by using the legal system.  He will need to get a court order that specifically spells out his parenting rights regarding parenting time, decision making, child support, extra expenses, ability to relocate, etc.  

The best way that you can protect yourself is to walk away from this situation.

Reality is that once this child is born this girl and your boyfriend will be connected together trough the child at least until the child is 18.  From what you have posted this girl will likely be an invasive presence in your boyfriend's life for many, many years.  Again, I think you may want to ask yourself if this is something that you are willing to accept, or if this is a deal breaker for you?  Personally I would think twice before allowing myself to become involved in a long-term dysfunctional and toxic life experience.

her email address is a solicitation for services that she would like to receive.  

Clearly SPARK and the information here scares the crap out of this woman.