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Messages - brwneyedmom

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Father's Issues / My ex accused me of abuse in court
« on: Nov 21, 2007, 09:57:46 AM »
stating that I had hit my child so hard that he required emergency medical care and sutures.  I kept my cool, and simply asked him to reproduce the medical reports in court.  I stated that there weren't any reports because there wasn't any abuse.  He completely backed off and then accused me of watching over our child TOO closely.  

Father's Issues / Oregon give you one thing in your favor
« on: Oct 07, 2007, 10:01:20 PM »
and that is required mediation whenever a parent files a motion that will involve parenting time, custody, or anything to do with their children.

You will be granted about 8 hours of mediation.  DO NOT WASTE IT.  If you are close to reaching an agreement at the end of 8 hours, the mediator can request additional mediation for free.  All of this costs nothing and the advantage is that the parents make the parenting decisions (with the mediator's help) instead of the judge.  The mediator then submits the document for the judge to sign.

I can't stress enough how wonderful this service was for me.  Even though my ex refused to meet with me and the mediator and we had to have separate sessions (which cut into our mediaton time immensly), we finally hammered out a win-win document.

Instead of documenting what your wife "isn't doing", document what YOU are doing.  Did you wake up the kids and get them dressed?  Feed them breakfast?  Take them to pre-school or a playground?  How long were you there?  Take 'em to the doctor?  Read to them, give them a bath, etc. etc.You get my drift.  
By doing your documenting this way, you are changing your focus off what she isn't doing and focusing on what YOU are doing as a parent.  The court/mediator will be able to see at a glance how much parenting that you are providing and you don't have to say a thing to show that she isn't so involved.  It's a more positive way to document too.  And if your wife finds it, she won't automatically think it's a record to use against her.

where you are for now.  In my county on the coast, there's virtually no  help for low-income legal assistance; it might be the same in Deschutes County.
I left my marriage when my son was five.  He had a rocky time of it, but he saw a counselor as needed.  I hired her to be independent of both parents so that our son could have a neutral party to talk with.  It paid extra dividends when my ex physically abused our son (and got caught) and the counselor came to court to testify, but that wasn't why I hired her initially.  
One thing that you'll need to consider is differences in parenting styles.  While your wife feeds your children less than healthy choices, she IS feeding them.  You won't win any legal points with this tack.  There is a minimum standard of parenting in Oregon- that's why homeless parents get to keep their children.  It's not the way you or I may parent, but the state says that there's no real harm being done.  That's the way it is and judges won't deviate from it very much, as a rule.  CPS (or whatever they call themselves these days) won't get involved in what you describe.  
Keep educating yourself while you wait.  It's a valuable way to spend your time and will help preserve your sanity in the meantime.  I wish that I had had resources such as this one while I was divorcing.  I wouldn't have kept focusing on the wrong stuff and would have saved myself so much grief.

Father's Issues / Please post your county in Oregon
« on: Oct 07, 2007, 03:00:45 PM »
as Multnomah County has vastly different resources than any other county.
Please read and study the archived articles contained on this site.  You will benefit from learning from others' experiences.
Start getting your ducks in a row.  Document, document, document.  
If you're going to bring abusive behavior into the divorce- and that will escalate the negativity, then be prepared to prove it.  No facts= no abuse in the court's eyes.  And rethink the 50/50 custody if there's abuse.  You won't look good in the court's eye to permit children to be around an abusive person.  Give your spouse a chance to seek counseling.  Divorce is shattering to children and I would advise seeking one after you've tried everything to save your marriage.  I did, and was able to walk away with a clearer conscience.
My ex was abusive and he accused me on the stand of beating our child to the point of needing emergency care.  He completely made up an event; I kept my cool and requested proof that those events had happened.  Keeping your cool is vital through the whole process.  Count to three before you answer any questions from opposing counsel.
Don't date anyone until the divorce is final.  Keep your nose clean, even if it's not fair.  Divorce isn't fair.  It's war.
Watch where you spend your money.  My ex took my checkbook records (by supeona) and pieced together a budget for me to follow after my divorce.  If I had had checks written to say, the adult store or a liquor store, he would have pounced on it.  
Don't take what people say here too personally.  They are reacting to their own situations and giving you advice from a limited perspective of not knowing you and your situation.  Take what is said to you and see if it applies.  If someone disagrees with you, try to see their opinion.  

This is just some of the things that I learned along the way.  There's tons more from other people.  

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