Messages

He is making such threats because you are going after *his* money. He wants to hurt you because you are getting him where it hurts. Check to see if your state is a one- or two-party state for recording purposes. You may be able to record his threats and use them in court. Certainly it should be grounds for going after supervised visits.

At the very least, a parenting evaluation should be conducted. See http://www.deltabravo.net/faq/evalfaq.htm. See http://www.deltabravo.net/faq/custfaq.htm for FAQs about custody.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Even an agreed-upon change in child support cost me $100 to file.

I meant when you compare it to filing for modification of custody. It's all relative. He could pay $50-$100 filing fees and recover thousands in unreimbursed medical from his ex.

Thought I'd try to address your post, as it has gone unanswered. I'm not an attorney, nor have I ever pursued a change of custody, but I've been on SPARC and other boards long enough to have learned from others.

Your state may have particular regulations that apply to modifying custody, so that is the first place you should consult.

Your attorney is correct that the modification could cost upwards of $10,000. I know of several people who have spent many times that amount attempting to obtain custody from a hostile party with resources. Others have been successful going pro se (representing themselves in court).

Generally, the change must be in the best interest of the child. Also, a "substantial change of circumstances" must have taken place since the CO was entered, in order for a modification to be granted. http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/circumstances.htm lists some factors that may be considered by your local jurisdiction.

A KEY factor is - get ready for this - accentuating the positive. Slamming the mother's character or parenting style will cause your case to backfire. You will come off as just another dad who is trying to get out of paying child support (which BTW is NOT my impression of you).

It sounds as if you are doing well with documentation. Use the Time Tracker found on SPARC or just keep a well-organized notebook with tabs that you can easily flip to in court if/when the time comes. Date, time, explanation of circumstances. Keep track of all you provide for your daughter. Keep track of the expenses she has not reimbursed you for. Keep track of the times you are able to have her in your care but she is sent to Grandma's instead.

The fact that you are the primary provider for your daughter and your ex does not even buy her the necessities may help your case.

Her SO even being in the house could be a huge factor. Not to mention that he is driving your daughter around on a suspended license.

Her denying parenting time as punishment could work for you. At the very least, she is in contempt for not paying her share of medical and denying visitation. AFAIK, it does not cost anything to file a contempt charge with the court.

Do you have a feel for whether your daughter wants to live with you? I am not proposing that you promise her a pony if she moves in, but has she ever expressed this desire? Some states will take the child's opinion into account, depending on their age and maturity.

Whether you pursue a change in custody or not, your CO needs to be updated.
(1) The phrase "reasonable visitation" only works when both parties are reasonable. It needs to go! Check with your state or county to see if they have a boilerplate for a "standard" parenting plan or for shared custody. A sample of a "standard" plan can be found here: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pplan3.htm. Shared plan: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pplan8.htm. I can post mine if you like.
(2) Another specific your should add is "right of first refusal" which means if either parent is unavailable, the other parent is the first one contacted to care for the child.

Well, I got long-winded, yet there is so much more I could say. To sum up, YES I think you have a good chance of winning. But, other factors could prevail: the traditional bent of your locality toward mothers having custody; your ex being able to present herself well (ie lie) in court; whether the judge is having a good day; etc. Good luck, and keep us posted.

Would it help to see a boilerplate that Multnomah County (Portland, OR) uses? The one section in it that I find bizarre is the one phonecall per week, but the rest is pretty fair. http://www.ojd.state.or.us/osca/cpsd/courtimprovement/familylaw/documents/mul8075.pdf. You might want to see if your county/state has something similar.

Our parenting plan was loosely based on that. Here is what my ex and I mediated. I should add that we also decided the receiving parent picks up the children, although that was a verbal agreement.

Parenting Schedule.  The children's primary residence shall be with Mother subject to Father's rights of reasonable and seasonable access and parenting time as set forth below. The following provisions may be modified by agreement of both parties.

Alternate Weekends and Mid-Week Parenting Time.  The children shall be with Father on alternate weekends from Thursday evening after Father's work to Monday morning, and at such other times as the parties agree.

Whenever the weekend falls adjacent to a school holiday or legal holiday, excluding a holiday designated below, the weekend shall include that holiday and begin one day early on Wednesday evening or end one day late on Monday evening as necessary to include the holiday.

Loss of Regularly-Scheduled Alternate Weekends.  Other periods of parenting time established by this schedule supersede  regularly scheduled weekend time. A loss of regularly scheduled alternative weekends may result from specific holidays and vacations on this parenting schedule or as otherwise agreed. However, if the holiday schedule results in one parent having the children three weekends in a row, the parties shall modify the alternating weekend schedule commencing with the weekend following the holiday weekend.

Holidays

Easter.  The children shall be with Mother in even-numbered years, and with Father in odd-numbered years.

Memorial Day.  The children shall be with Father in even-numbered years, and with Mother in odd-numbered years.

Mother's Day/Father's Day.  The children shall be with Mother on Mother's Day and with Father on Father's Day.

Independence Day.  The children shall be with Mother in even-numbered years, and with Father in odd-numbered years.

Labor Day.  The children shall be with Father in even-numbered years, and with Mother in odd-numbered years.

Thanksgiving Holiday.  The children shall be with Mother in even-numbered years, and with Father in odd-numbered years.

Christmas Holiday.  In even-numbered years, the children shall be with Mother from the beginning of Winter Break until Christmas Eve at 11 p.m., and with Father for the remainder of Winter Break. In odd-numbered years, the children shall be with Father from the beginning of Winter Break until Christmas Eve at 11 p.m., and with Mother for the remainder of Winter Break.

Spring Vacation.  The children shall be with Mother in even-numbered years, and with Father in odd-numbered years.

Birthdays.  Each party shall have the opportunity to spend time with the children on the children's respective birthdays. The children shall spend time with Mother on her birthday, and with Father on his birthday.

Extended Vacations.  Each party shall have the right to take the children for extended periods of four (4) weeks per year. Each party agrees to give reasonable notice to the other parent in advance of scheduling extended vacation time with the children.
(Note: many plans indicate a specific time for notification, such as six weeks, rather than the ambiguous "reasonable").

Later on in the CO, is the section regarding Rights of First Refusal:

Parent Unavailable.  The parties agree that if either one of them is unable to care for the children for extended periods when the children are scheduled to be with that parent, he or she shall first contact the other parent in order to provide that parent the first opportunity to care for the children.

I talked to my friend (Gina) this morning and got a few more facts. Gina said when she talks with her sister (Lisa), she is so distraught that Gina just doesn't press her for details. I will fill in what little I know, and hope I got it right:

- Lisa describes Laurie as a sweet, gentle person who is a great mom.
- The younger son is now 14.
- Laurie was allowed to listen to testimony by her ex via phone recently.
- The younger son has to give a deposition in the next couple of days.
- Laurie's lawyer is lame but she has very little help and support. Lisa and her husband send her money every month, because she earns 5¢/hr in jail and has to buy ALL her own personal effects except shampoo.
- Laurie's own family does not back her because - get this - the man she started making a new life with after the divorce is black. What are they thinking? Maybe she should have found another nice white guy like her ex?

Other than that, I do not know the timeline of when the "abuse" took place, when the divorce was filed, when the charges were brought.

And the charge that stuck... I mean, who hasn't had a family member walk in on them accidentally? The kid might be traumatized for a few seconds, but it's more of a "yuck!" factor than anything else. I don't know what kind of a backwards area Laurie lives in that the judge didn't just throw her ex out on his tail.

By the way, Laurie unfortunately has the same last name as the latest female-teacher-who-had-sex-with-a-student-and-happens-to-be-from-Missouri-also... yikes. You know what's going to be in the jury's minds.

I've sent that link to my friend, along with several others. Thanks.

I'm posting this on behalf of someone I've never met, but she's my childhood best friend's sister's friend. Her name is Laurie, she has two sons, and she lives in Missouri. She was married to an abusive man, a former brainwashing expert for the military. When she dared to file for divorce, he told her he would get the children and make sure she never saw them again. Well, it would appear he has done this, unless a miracle happens for Laurie. He had her charged with 11 counts of sexual abuse against their boys. She lost her job as an aide at a school because of these bogus charges. He managed to get one count to stick. The grounds? She came out of the shower several years ago and one of the boys caught a glimpse of her breasts.

She has been in jail for months and has some kind of hearing this week. My friend's sister has tried every avenue she can think of to help Laurie. Contacting women's causes, talk shows, etc. Even if she is cleared, she will be a registered sex offender for the rest of her life. The boys may be called to testify. Do you think they'll feel free to tell the truth? I think they're probably scared to death of their father.

Please, if anyone has any ideas that will help her voice be heard, please post or PM them to me. Time is running out, I know, but I just was told about this yesterday and my friend asked me to help. I've posted all I know about the case, and of course it's thirdhand information. If I find out more specifics I will post them.