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it is very difficult at times. i am not an angry person.... i tend to cry. this has been much more intense lately.

i am careful to make my emails as diplomatic as possible.

i had to cut off telephone contact years ago. he is very abusive.

during our marriage he wasn't abusive. maybe because i was eager to please. he became a different person when i filed for divorce... following 6 months of waiting for our family to reunite.
my pastor finally told me that he was only using me and that i should file for divorce. then the violence and harassment began.

we cannot make any decision together. he makes the decisions. and tells me if i fight him he 'will take more'.

i feel so weak and pathetic.

i try to deflect as much away from the children as possible, but he is very controlling with them as well. and i see it hurting them.

one day at a time right.  it is just a struggle to keep my sanity.

PMing you now.

\

school has just begun here.

on 8/12 i received an email from SM stating that she would like me to send the supplies list for DD the day it is received so that she has time to get the items, rather than waiting until the weekend. no problem there.

before school started i found some of the lists (3 of 8) on the schoolnotes.com website. so i forwarded that to SM as soon as i found it.

school started 8/18. DD came home with lists. BF called to talk to both children so see how their first day was at school. a bit unusual, but still no problem.

DD gave me her lists and told me that it needed to be sent to BF and SM. looking at the lists, i realized that two of the lists had already been sent to them.

so i emailed them lthe additional information on the hard copy lists.

8/19 5:35am i receive an email from SM stating that she already had those items and would need the lists in order to separate the items per class. NP again.

8/19 7:39am  "I am not really sure the reasoning as to why you did not have DD do as I requested. However, it was extremely disrespectful that you did not have her do that simple task. If she is able to send you an email she is able to simply copy her list to an email and send it to us. There was time to play in the pool so I am sure there was time for her to complete a task for school. She is now in middle school and should be responsible for taking care of these matters herself.

Also, please provide me with DD's email address. This is unless you plan on refusing to allow this type of contact between a father and daughter. Your reaction will be very telling."

i have no idea where this is coming from. unless he just wants to pick a fight on my birthday?

so i responded that
1. SM requested the info from me. and the parents are responsible for communication of information.
2. he has received the information in a prompt manner
3. DD has not written me any emails. the email address i used to send her a photo was an address BF set up, so he should have that address.

BF responds:
"When I spoke to DD yesterday I specifically told her to email us the information. Did she not tell you this? If not then you need to punish her for lying to you. If you don't then I will.

I did not make the request to you but to DD. As a middle school student she should be able to handle this responsibility. If she cannot then she cannot be expected to be treated as a middle school student.....and DD told me of the lists that she received at school prompting the request. She seemed a bit too busy trying to get into the pool to take care of it."


my response:
"i don't feel we can decide anything about what happed until we have spoken to DD and have more information.
in reading your email below, i feel that you are saying that it is only your decision whether or not DD is punished. is that what you are saying?"

BF:
"You either ignored the fact that I gave DD specific instructions on how to handle the situation or she lied to you. Which was it? No other facts are pertinent. If she did not do as instructed anything offered is just an excuse, which is unacceptable. She is now in middle school and they are not interested in excuses anymore so please do not encourage this behavior."

me:
"i don't believe it is only a black and white issue. can you tell me exactly how you told her to do this?"

he would not answer this. he just said it was clear.

DD says he only asked the info to be emailed and since i usually do that she didn't think it would be a big deal.

he called to speak with her and she got really upset.

she maintains that she misunderstood. that if he wanted her specifically to email it, she did not realize that. but that she did not lie.

he yelled at me on the phone "shut the h*ll up"  "she is lying"

he wants me to punish her saying that i am taking her word over his ('an adults word')
i explained that i in no way am saying that he is being dishonest. that there is a third option..... being a miscommunication.

in the future if the parents would communicate to each other changes in things like this, the miscommunication could be eliminated.... conflict as well.

i talked with DD this morning. encouraged her to send BF a text to reach out and make up.

i understand.....
and i have not disregarded all opinions. in fact, some things said gave me a great deal to think about. i agreed that it was a good point that he may not agree that her having a confidential relationship with her md.

i even agreed, that i should have phrased the post differently.

however, at this point in time we have no co-parenting. he calls the shots. and unless i want to upset the children with a tug of war for control, he usually gets what he wants.

i am trying to learn how to effectively deal with my ex. in a class i took, i learned that not using words like 'you, or you should or you will'.... etc.

basically words that would create a defensive posture and build communication barriers.

so now most times i say something like.... 'when you say ..... , it makes me feel like you mean..... is that what you are trying to say?'

co-parenting in a high conflict situation is delicate. so i try not to respond emotionally to the threats or attacks. then i try to only pick out the parts of the communication that are relevant and necessary to respond to in order to raise our children.

i have a note above my computer screen that reads  "will responding benefit the kids"

so with this situation.... it will be handled gingerly.

then i wouldn't bet money on it if i were you. the crystal ball you are using doesn't work.

it is unfortunate that on this board some cannot get past their own scars. forever prejudging others unjustly based on their own experiences, which may not fit the situation at hand.

it's just not productive and it's off base.

i can see the wording could have been better phrased. however, i don't know how else to describe what he is asking.

i can also see the point that maybe he would not wish for her to have dr. patient confidentiality. so that was a good point.

this is all the more reason we need a parenting coordinator.
he blatantly said in writing he will only go to a parenting coordinator if i
1. pay for all of the services and
2. give him total decision making regarding the children (all in writing)

why does either of us have to give up our rights to raising our children to do the right thing and make this life better for them by reducing the conflict?

i only want to reduce the conflict for them....
so this particular issue will remain on the back burner, until such a time that he stops canceling the therapy appointments with the therapist he unilaterally chose.

to me  therapy for the children is only a band aid.... for what?
a problem that we made.

we made this mess... we should be the ones to fix it. and i truly feel a coordinator can help us with that.  i want someone that will show me the right way to communicate with him.

and i want to be able to communicate with him without being called foul names or yelled at in front of the children.

this is hurting them!

incorrect

actually... .no i am not looking to get her the shot. dad and i have already talked about the shot and decided to wait.

i do involve him in every decision.

i just don't think she should have to talk with him about her genitalia.

this is ONE appointment.

he doesn't want to talk to me about it. he wants me to get her to talk to him about it.

i can see what you are saying and it really gives me more to think about, but feel some things have been misunderstood.

basically... we will be discussing this with the psychologist. i will go along with her recommendations, since she really knows everyone and everything that is going on verses one blog entry.

i really want us to go a parenting coordinator, but he refuses. i think it would really help reduce conflict and would be a benefit for the children.

we have a 50/50 rotating
the first three years, he was happy that i did it all, but dad has been much more involved lately.
it could be because of the modification for full custody he filed.......
either way more involved is good for the kids.

because he does not have that type of relationship with her.
i don't doubt that he loves her. i just do not feel that he has laid the foundation for it... so it's not there.

so even though i explained that DD did not wish to talk with him about these things, he feels it is my responsibility to make that happen.

........