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Messages - durandal

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Custody Issues / RE: Question about Birth Certificate
« on: Apr 09, 2007, 12:35:53 PM »
>ok maybe I missed something here, but when I gave birth - the
>hospital sent in the infomraiton to the records bureau and
>even sent in to have SS #'s issued to my kids.  

I arrived at the hospital several hours after the birth.

BM had the child before I was able to make it to the hospital, called me and said that she had the child - and wanted me to stop at the dept. store beforehand to pick up things that we would need. Little did I know that she was filling out our daughters' personal info w/ hospital staff in my absence. When I arrived, the things she wanted me to pick up suddenly weren't all that important...

Since we aren't married, I didn't want to sign the BC in the hospital before having a paternty test, especially since she had on several occassions mentioned how she was sleeping with other guys and so on... plus I was already PO'd about her filling out the documents, which I learned about from another nurse late into the night.

Fast forward - since paternity was established nine months ago, I've tried on several occasions to communicate and compromise with the BM about getting baby's documents in order - but typically she always stalls. So just last week, only a week before our home studies - she wants to get the birth certificate taken care of. I told her that, unless we had some serious compromise, that I wouldn't sign the document - but would contest our daughter's name and add my name only after it is heard by the courts.

Now I admit, I want the child to have mt last name - she's my first child, and already being a older first father do I want that - just being honest. Besides, the BM's had four other chances to be a responsible parent, doesn't have custody of any of them except my little jewel (temporary pending custody determination) and hasn't changed for the better one bit for any of their sakes.

But I also detest the sneaky, deplorable behavior the BM has used since day one to make sure she has a taxpayer paycheck courtesy of me and our child. IMHO that's her sole motivation.

Custody Issues / RE: Proving Financial Instability?
« on: Apr 03, 2007, 12:58:53 PM »
not that I know jack about anything, my own case is somewhat like that with the BM just working the system for dollars, but think about this:

i agree 100% that the courts won't care about that - take that as a fact.

thing is, the courts do listen (sometimes) when the child is in danger - or at risk of harm, in that case you might get their attention. but it'd better be good, sound reasoning and not just grasping for straws, or they'll get their pound of flesh - from you.

just my $0.02

I hear what you're saying. I know the court isn't going to reduce the cost. I also know that they aren't going to make her pay for anything - she doesn't work, she just collects joe (and jill) taxpayer's hard-earned money.

With setbacks around every bend, I'm finding it harder to stay focused and on task with my daughters' well being day-by-day. She means everything to me.

Heaven help me and all guys going thru this...

That's enough whining for one day. Thanks folks for giving me the square truth of it.


Many of you know a little about my case. Child lives with BM, I have temp. visitation until matter is resolved - all parties reside in VA.

We were court ordered to have home evaluations, and are past filling out the questionnaires. Of course, I filled out the necessary documents, including an income statement.

Fast forward a week - I was told by the CW (case worker) that I needed to come in to the office for an office visit. I was also told to bring in over $600 as payment for the service, and that if I didn't make the meeting this would reflect badly on her evaluation.

Okay, no problem with going to the meeting. But I have told the courts repeatedly that my financial situation is difficult right now, and that I have been taking steps to improve the situation. More specifically, they ALWAYS calculate (court, CW's, system) off of your gross income, and never what you take home. I've told the court that any payments taken out of my paycheck are non-voluntary deductions - I can't stop paying them. Of course, the BM pays nothing!!!

Since the lions share of it is in the form of child support, I thought they would consider that. But they don't - they are just milking me for money. Nobody cares about what's best for my daughter - its all about $$$ and it's disgusting.

Question: Does anyone know how I can convince them to reduce the amount, or at least allow me to make payment arrangments? Do they ever even "negotiate" with father's like me?

I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...

Custody Issues / RE: Question about Birth Certificate
« on: Mar 30, 2007, 03:01:31 PM »
The birth certificate hasn't been sent to Central Records yet, to my understanding. But I am the biological father, and I can confirm that with a paternity test that is binding in any court.

So you're telling me that I can't do anything about the situation at this point, correct? Well, if that's the case then I'll just have to add that to my atty's "to do" list.

Thanks for the information!


Custody Issues / RE: Bankruptcy??
« on: Mar 30, 2007, 02:52:31 PM »
Just to chime in...

I did the same thing in Feb 2007... and for the same reasons.

The court's generally won't give a care about that. But here's the rub -
it may look good that you are trying to get a fresh start, and that you may be in a better position to adequately care for you child.

Think it out though - the B word is one that should be used as a last resort. For me it came down to just that.


Custody Issues / Question about Birth Certificate
« on: Mar 30, 2007, 02:44:58 PM »
I'm the proud dad (NCP) of a 10-month old girl. Mother (CP),  custody/visitation is contested. Child born out of wedlock and I was the victim of the primary parent trap - never given a fair chance to parent outside of CP's home.

In case you want more history, search posts by durandal - a few of you will probably already be familiar with my case.


The CP has not yet paid for and sent off for a birth certificate, probably because she doesn't even have any state issued identification to verify who she is. Now I can do this, get a birth certificate for our child, and have no problem in doing so.

Problem is that our child's name has always been a point of centention, and the CP, in a sneaky way, gave the hospital, pediatrician, etc. the name she had chosen BEFORE we had a chance to agree. This is how she operates in general.

If I get the birth certificate, I want the name to reflect a compromise, but the CP NEVER compromises - she just stalls until she feels she has a chance or leverage to do what she wants to do.

Have any of you any thoughts/opinions on this? How do you think these decisions will affect the custody situation?

Thanks for taking the time...



Yesterday I ran across the article archive here at SPARC. WOW!

I wish I had found this months ago! You really should bring more attention to the archive, and steer new SPARC visitors there often! I found a treasure trove of good information!

Getting the attorney is my foremost priority. I'm not out of the woods, but every day I get closer to having the money to hire [someone I believe is] a good attorney.

Q: Perhaps that should be my research subject tonight - trying to find a few web articles or information on the attorney I've chosen to evaluate her past performance? Any ideas on this?

Unfortunately, we don't have access to legal help thru the employer, but they have been supportive in ways which count too.

>You can save yourself hundreds by doing little things like delivering >petitions yourself, making copies and delivering them to the lawyer, >keeping meetings to a minimum, etc.

If I can soak up some of the clerical, dare I say 'paralegal' type stuff (i found this advice in the archives too) then I would be much better off.

Q: Do you think I will jeopardize my case if I went down to the courthouse to try and access the civil and criminal databases to research the CP's history?

Given the CP's past record, I'm sure there's some real dirt buried down there. I also will try to find out about her roomate, her ex-spouses' who have custody, and her family in general.

I appreciate everyone's comments.

I question my own posts sometimes, particularly one's where I get on my rants about justice. Sure on a couple of occasions have used the website to vent, and have commented on the way the juvenile court system operates. Although its useful therapy for me, I just don't know how useful my pain is to others, or whether it is at all.

One thing that has made me despair a little bit (besides the atty. thing) is reading everyone's horror stories. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind and don't have to read them obviously, and I know people need to get it out and relax, relate and release (I wish I could help lift each of you), but its a bit unsettling to have a first class ticket and a window seat thru everyone's private little hell.

I guess I just hate that it has to be like this. If there's one social ill I want to devote volunteer time (and hopefully much more as I'm able) to in an effort to help, helping the children and their families (regardless of familial status or income) get the MOST out of life is it.

First off, let me say thank you for all the help I have managed to get from the site. But the legal aid resource hasn't worked for me:

>See if there's any legal aid in your area. That's
>better than nothing.

To be entirely honest, its just about the same as nothing.

I have tried for months to get thru to a legal aid intake representative here in VA, and when my calls are not routed to someone in a legal aid office in Tennessee, they are routed to a 'Talk Time Free' phone advertisement (?) that hangs up after thirty seconds of wasting my time.

The one time I did manage to actually talk to someone in legal aid here in VA, It was thru their Richmond, VA office. When I tried to have them transfer me to someone in Virginia Beach, I got the whole phone tree shuffle which ended in a dialtone.

Legal Aid? OK, but I'm not holding my breath.

I have a upcoming petition for custody, visitation and child support which I filed. All involved partied reside in Virginia Beach, VA. Currently, I have been BBS'ing (begging, borrowing, stealing) to get money for my attorney, and I should be able to raise the funds but its a toss up whether I'll have this by the first court date (Feb. 22).

I filed for all three with the understanding that its better to put each petition on the table and, even if custody is not granted, there will be an existing visitation petition in place.

Up until now, the child has resided with the BM. The child is nine months old. I have attended doctor's visits, holidays, and USED to visit several days a week - until the BM started playing hardball and making false allegations towards me. I spent the entire three day New Year's holiday weekend taking care of the child while BM was sick. She refuses to let me take the child out of her cigarette smoke filled home for even an hour.

I have photos of holiday visits, receipts for everday expenses for the child, a support payment history with no missed payments (I filed the support papers on myself two weeks after her birth) and have purchased furniture, clothing, and toiletries both for the BM's home and for my own in the event of visitation and/or custody.

I was told by a local parent who has gone thru the process that I should get written statements from friends, family, etc. showing responsibility, willingness and ability to parent my daughter.

1) Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should include in the letters? Or, perhaps better stated, what should I ask my supporters to comment on?

2) Is there a point of overkill, or is it the more the better?

3) Will the letters (plus the above documents and supporting evidence) likely to prove that I am serious enough about the welfare of my daughter to warrant continuing the case or am I dead in the water without the lawyer for this the first hearing?

This is daunting, and I'm keeping it together the best I can.

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