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I couldn't agree more.

I work hard every day of the week, and the BM sits at home, plays on the phone, drinks beer and smokes cigarettes all day.

She has a veritable 'army' of social workers, outreach pastors, and THE SYSTEM who keep her firmly in control. She get's free representation.

I on the other hand, have to beg/borrow/whine, pay support with minimal access to my daughter, whine to my boss about the situation, and can't even think about getting any legal help besides waiting to exhale on some d$mn message board - unless of course, i just have a few $K laying around here or there. Justice really means "just us".

Worst of all, all indications are that if the status remains quo, my daughter will be on drugs, pregnant or worse and hating ME for it by the time she's a teenager.

Never have I lived thru something as screwed up as this.

i know this is an old post, but i felt compelled to say something.

i thought i had a definite opinion about your dilemna UNTIL i read all of the posts. and what a dilemna that is.

here's my opinion:

first and foremost, i believe that you have a contractural obligation to your husband, that being marriage and its vows, and although i don't agree with his stance, i feel that you place your own familial well being in jeopardy your if you veto your mate's objections. maybe you can try to talk with him and get him to see the subject from a different vantage point - that of the child.

secondly, the child deserves to have access to both his parents, right now try to put the parents out of the equation and focus on the child. so many adults, teens and young lives have been scarred or destroyed by not having parents in their lives - it may happen that the parents might grow up and do the responsible thing, or that the whole thing could spiral down into tragedy, but the child deserves a chance with his biological parents. both of them.

thirdly, and this is from a new father's perspective - i have grown exponentially since my daughter's birth nine months ago. although i have issues with the BM, i am growing and am able to put hurtful memories in their place for my daughter's sake. as a father, i don't know if i could ever recover from being dealt a blow knowing that i fathered a baby who is now a man - and that i missed it all. even missing a little bit has caused me so much pain.

lastly, i wanted to agree that counseling for you would be a good idea - but please make it a impartial, fair and good counselor. its vitally important for all of the outcomes at stake here. please, try to include your husband in the counseling, because obviously the two of you have found a subject so important yet you both share different values and opinions on it. try to let him know how much it means to you to get this right.

Best of luck with this.