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Actually there is some wrong information provided. At least from my experience and knowledge of the family court system. However, I am limited to NYS.

You can get a public defender even if it is not criminal. Our BM did just this. The key is no matter what the case or how often you go to court, if it is a different reason - One for visitation change, One for removing parental rights, one for contempt, etc what ever it may be...they do not get lumped together. Each request is viewed as an individual court case and each time you would have to apply for a Public Defender. The famiy court would have forms to fill out to receive an attorney to help your case. Our BM got reprimanded by the judge since it was viewed as two different cases instead of one releated to the other. Our BM got a public defender as she does not work. BUT fair warning the public defender didn't do much - ok she didn't do anything from what I heard from our attorney.

Additionally in NYS - the GAL remains the same, I would imagine this would be the case in most states. BM took us to court in 2001 and we took BM to court in 2006 - the GAL remained the same. Which stunk for us as the GAL was projecting all of his experiences with his son onto my SS and his situation. He was NOT looking out for SS best interest, he was only interested in keeping things the same despite if it was in SS best interest.

As for requesting attorney's fees. Yes you can request this...and you may even get granted for it as it can be viewed as "frivilously (sp?)" using the courts time or the father's time. We have it in DH's agreement if it is frivilous and unfounded all attorney fess are paid for by the other. This avoided BM taking us to court 10 times over for nothing but her own gain.

What my DH did - was write a letter in legal looking format but directly addressed to the mother. In addition since there is a law guardian already assigned to SS, DH just sent a certified letter to the law guardian explaining his request and provided a copy of the letter.  Bm does not have an attorney nore could retain one. DH did consult his attorney to ensure the letter was written appropriately, but our attorney is in the family so he doesn't get charged for such questions/review.


Dear Bm (Mother),

I (Father) am writting this letter to provide a request which I(father) believe is in the best interest of our DD )(daughter's name).  < Then explain the facts - remove all emotion. Due to frequent home life challenges experienced outside of my (Father's) care, I request for daughter to spend more time at my (Father's) home.  Do not say frequent homelife challenges unles syou have facts and able to back up your statements. My DH did . Etc... DH wrote mother and father in parethesis every time so if it came time to go to court this is easily read and understood by the court.

There is no law that I am aware of (I am not an attorney or law officer)that states live-in relationships can not occur. Although not the best interest of your DD, personal relationships no one has control over. Our Bm has been on and off for the last 7 years with herr husband. I have to say at least 12 if not more times back and forth trucking SS and her daughter with her every time. We were able to address the home life challenges experienced outside of our home since it was a very large factor in his emotional wellbeing and health and low grades.  DH did not point fingers, just stated "Due to relationship challenges and frequent upheavals, it is in SS best interest to be provided with a stable home environment. " If you are not able to remove emotion out of the statement, it is advised not to use it. Also make sure you have facts and/or dates to back your statements up.

If you are requesting right of first refusal, you have to be aware that our attorney said this is a very hard order to maintain and prove otherwise, but it can be requested.

I (father) respectfully request for the right of first refusal. This request is in the event when you (Mother) require outside services to care for our daughter, that I(Father) am contacted prior to allowing for daughter to be cared for by outside services.  In the event that you (Mother) is not able to care for our daughter due to outside obligations, I (Father) will provide transportation for the time which services are requested.  I(Father) will provide transporation to and from your(Mother's) home during your(Mother's) schedule custodial time when my services are utlized.... etc...

Just suggestions and what had worked for us. I have to state that our BM held SS hostage the day after she recieved the letter..however two weeks later is willing to allow for SS to live with us during the school week for the school year. She thought we wanted sole custody when nothing was stated as such. She thought we wanted to take SS away from her... DH's second latter stated that this is not the case and not what was requested. She fianlly read the request word for word and was able to realize what was the best interest for herself and for SS.

GOOD LUCK!

Suggestion only : When requesting more time, if communication is not amicable, write a letter requesting for more time.

When requesting for more time - always make it for the benefit for the mother. What is the benefit to her if she give you more time, what can she do without her daughetr being around, etc...easier to find daycare/not worry about daycare, she will be able to go out as she pleases, she doens't have to work around making appointments, she doens't have to worry about getting daughter to pre-k and soon kindergarden - if it is a half day kindergarten well even more abilty to show how difficult it can be for her and how you want to help her out. Items such as these can provide insight to her mother and if she is as you claim, not really interested, well maybe this can pursuade her to give up more time without hvaing to go to court. If you canget more time and continue to annd can maintain it for at least 6 months if not longer, that could be the change to make it official....

Do not add any emotion to the letter at all! Keep it straight to the facts. you can insinuate but keep it to the facts. For example - Our BM has no transportation and lives very far from SS school.... so DH added in the letter - "Utilizing public transportation in this fashion and trying to juggle two different children in two schools and maintain a work schedule is difficult.  No emotion just facts and an statement to makes her think about the situation in a different light.

Also show how much you want to still have mother involved. You will call regarding daily activities if she wants, you will do this/that to ensure she can still have a relationship with mom too. You do not want mom getting upset and holding daughter as "ransom" or have her overreact thinking you want to take her daughter away from her even if essentially that is what you are doing.

If this doesn't work, keep track of all the days she "give her up" to you. and keep that log current at all times. In the future if she "claims" she can't live without her, you will have all the time she has. It helped with my DH - providing proof she willingly gave up more time for other things....

Good luck. Sorry to her BF daughter has to deal with this. The system is flawed, but BF needs to stick with it and his daughter will still come out with flyingn colors...just continue to love and support her and do not talk poorly of mom while Daughter is anywhere near or rather - if daughter is even awake!

I am sure you will get to an amicable agreement and you sound like you want to work with the mother AND do what is best for YOUR child. I only caution you having too much faith the mother will do what is right just like you want to do.  Sometimes they start out that way and then turn into something you rather not deal with. PLEASE do not limit yourself in the future what ever agreement you come up with! Come up with an agreement and work with her AND your attorney, then get it signed off by the judge. One good point stated was to add the moving clause. You will find may issues with that here, if you continue to want to participate with this site.

If your child is provided with the complete support, love and assistance from the heart. If the child does not sense tension and anger in the mists of each situation between parents, you have a strong chance of having a child that can adjust well to all situations without limiting your child, yourself or your ex. I would definitely NOT want to settle to an agreement that would limit your capabilities for the future and being in her life 50%. I see nothing wrong and have experienced setting a status quo NOW for overnights, and days....and if it doesn't work well, then change it. However, limiting yourself now may be detrimental to your chances in the future. They can say - "well it didn't matter before when she was younger, why does it have to change now?" This is the way it has beeen working and see no need to change it. That happens WAY TOO MANY TIMES! How can this be agrued and supported? Set the status quo now and have the ability to change IF your child doesn't do well.

You have the right idea for 50/50 legal and physical IMMEDIATELY the rest as to times and days etc... do what YOU feel is right! Just don't limit yourself!

There are many more studies and examples on issues within a childs life with limited or no access to the father - especially daughters. As adults their future relationships can be/are dependant on their relationship with their father!

This thread had provided you with both sides of life. Children that do well and children that do not. I KNOW you will know what is best for your situation and there is no need to continue to argue which way is best. After all it is only opinion.  It is common sense that everyone is an individual. We all understand this concept.  Many times people think since it is for one child it must be that way for all children which can come across loud and clear. This thread has presented you with both sides of the fence and pleanty of info and examples. To limit your daughters access to you can/will be more detrimental in her future than going back and forth between two parents as long as you can work towards the greater good . Be agreeable remove all animocity between you and your ex, and your daughter can thrive!  

If it is all she has ever known - this will be/IS her status quo. Set that status quo now while young and the adjustment will most likely go MUCH smoother than trying to adjust at a later date. Essentially this can take weeks and even months if it goes to court and by that time...she will no longer be 3 months old!

You can't change the past only the future.

Infants, toddlers and small children up till they become a tween have a great ability to pick up on the vibes of the situation they are put in.  Tweens - they can actually see what is up and can choose to ignore, morph or play sides. MOST children can sense when something is wrong or there is tension in the air. They have the ability to pick up on the simplest emotion even if it is being restricted to inside instead of being displayed outwardly. They have an amazing ability to learn. If they have never known anything different how would they learn their situation was "bad"? Children learn to know what is "good" and what is "bad" even by 9 months. Children pick up their parents vibes, and can act according to how their parents react.

Do what is best for your child.  I wanted to provide you with information for two different children, in two different families that did not have or display the insecurities or have any issues with living in two different homes 50/50.  I can also provide you with many more situations of small children that have thrived. There is no need to continuously justify the statements presented to you in this situation as this was an individuals experience and I certainly do not want to push you and say your wrong for wanting to take your daughter 50% of the time. I commend you for cooming here, doing your research and doing what you know in your heart is right! I also know what you are trying to obtain is what is right for a child!

This was not a study, this is my life with my SS and my nephew's life. These children now are 13 and 6 and as stated before thrive and are more adaptable to every situation than most kids are. Children are resilient as long as they are provided for in a healthy environment and have the support necessary. I mean true support, not words or actions, but support from the heart which includes actions and words and working towards what is best for the child.  There are so many studies that state to limit the child's interaction with their father is more detrimental than trucking them back and forth! There are studies which can prove or disprove all situations.

Children are resillent to change and adversity as long as the support is from the heart and is truly believed.  I am sure you comprehend that the information provided in this thread is only the experiences of others and of course everyone is different! You are an intelligent person. This is just providing you with the hope and faith that you can obtain what you are going for. That what you are going for IS what is best for a child. Being your child is so young this is the PERFECT opportunity to make a status quo right from the start instead of changing her life in the middle and trying to get her to adjust when she is 4 or something.   You understand what was presented was specifically stated exactly the situation on two different children that did not have any issues and a "hard life" living in two homes.

The parenting plan you should go for is exacly what you are going for! Know that if a child does not know anything different and has been living in two homes their ENTIRE life - it is logical to conclude that their life IS "normal" to them!  It IS harder to change as they get older, as they become aware of themselves and their surroundings, it does make change harder - much harder!  If they never have to deal with the "change" and they only know the situation they are in - they will be completely indifferent to it!

Good luck!

>.....can anyone tell me the difference between taking an
>infant to daycare 'every work day' and having a 50/50 split
>with custody, where the child only has to change
>location/environment 'once a week'?  Seems to me that the
>daycare situation would be much more disruptive to an infant
>than a 50/50 split would be.  And I've seen many infants
>thrive in daycare situations.  So I figure if an infant can
>handle going to daycare almost every day (and there's millions
>out there who do), why can't they switch homes once a week?

phenominal point! A child can be left at day care between 7 & 10 hours a day according to federal disability a mother has to return to work when the child is between 6 weeks of age and 8 weeks of age. To be with a parent is MUCH different than brining them to daycare. IF the daycare is institutionalized they mayy not even get the same care provider day after day!

As stated before children are VERY versitile and can overcome adversity every step of their life as long as they have the complete support necessary.  

Che-

Just to let you know, from real life experience, if a child doesn't know anything different and the child has spent 50:50 physical, they are not adversly effected. I have witnessed by two different children, one being my SS and one my nephew. My nephew knows nothing different and my SS doesn't remember anything so he is also indifferent to how "hard" life is living in two different homes!

My SS was 1 when his mother ditched him. Came back when he was 2 and has been 50:50 every since as my DH believes it is VERY important for a child to spend that 50:50 physical. Both children are A students now. Both children get two households of stuff, both chilren get two parents who adore them and some, like my SS has the opportunity for a Step parent to love them,  who cares for him as if he was her own, both parents are able to watch them grow up insetad of being on the sideline.  Both children get to live two different households and have two different rules, if that is the case. The child will learn the households, the child will adjust just fine. Both parent get to participate in the childs life completely instead of seeing them every other week. My brother has son 3 days one week 4 days the next week. It works well. Myself - I have my SS 5 days one week and then 2 days the next week. You are NOT far from these types of schedules being you already had her 2 days EVERY WEEK (for those that missed that fact) that is until you served to make an official schedule and your ex made your daughter a pawn.

BTW - in SS and nephews situations both homes are VERY different, different life styles, different parenting, different foods, different rules, but it certainly makes a very well rounded educated child who has the ability to understand and learrn and know what and how to handle themselves in different life situations and experience the many ways life can change. I can say both children impress adults wherever they go. They get the most compliments I have ever seen children get on how well adjusted they are, how well they behave, how well they listen, how well they pay attention, how well they learn in school and how well they flurish. Like I said they were very young. Too young is ONLY an opinion, just as this post is. However, I am providing you with knowledge on two different children who have been back and forth their entire life and it isn't/doesn't have to be  a detrimental experience as  it can be made out to be.

Other posts suggest that chilidren are too young, and theirs may be in their mind, but like I said from experience - you should go for what you believe. You HAVE already had two days a week since she was born. All you are doing is making it official and adding a few days extra which is FAR FROM detrimental to any child! You have to take all posts with a grain of salt. You can listen but do not have to take the advice of these posts as the ONLY way and the END all to everything. There are strong opinions and the users experiences built those opinions.

I think you are not requesting anything that is out of the park. Once you establish paternity, she is only 3 months old, you have the rest of her life to spend with her. Be as amicable with her mother as possible. I know it will be hard, but THAT and the 50:50 placement  IS what is best for everyone especially your little girl ! Custody has not been officially established by the court system so technically no one has sole physical custody.

Make sure you have a room for her and you have your home set up for a child - child proofing, etc....show that you are ready to have her with you more than just those two days a week! I am sure you have done that already since you have been there as much as your Ex has allowed.

OK -  I personally would NOT limit myself and options by not requesting for joint physical and legal custody NOW! It is so hard to change the status, obtaining joint after the fact. EVEYONE here will tell you that much - even the one's who have already responded!  

Plain and simple, when filing request for joint physical and legal. There is absolutely NO reason why you should NOT ask for that. Your child is young. Your child WILL adjust! You have seen her every Monday and Tuesday and it was working perfectly until ex started to use her as a pawn and denying visitation because you want it official! Keep doing what you are doing. GO FOR WHAT YOU WANT!

When a child grows up and they are only aware of being at Mom's house Monday Tuesday, Being at Dad's house Wednesday, Tursday and alternating weekends...the kid will NEVER know anything different! The child will adjust just fine and NOT be terribly affected as some may make it out to be!  They actually know what to expect. They will learn the schedule and the days of the week  and learning the calendar is easier as they get older. I speak from complete experience! The every other weekend thing is not appropriate for any kid (esepcially younger ones) and certainly not enough time for a child to know the parent for the weekends only - especially while young! Keep your time Monday and Tuesday, then add in alternating weekends. Making the time exactly 50/50! This is completely acceptable, a child can flurish, and both parents can be involved with school work, weekends , and will not limit time because they are "too young".  If this is all the child knows - this is their life and this become VERY normal for a child!

The holidays time should be spelled out NOW as well. Specifics are important!   Address these items now, so as baby grows so it will hopefully not have to be addressed again! Schooling and school vacations do not have to be spelled out and fought over if you follow the weekly suggestions...you both get the time. If a family vacation comes up, just state you will work to ensure the other parent does not loose parenting time!

Holiday suggestions that have worked well for my family. Christmas eve at my family's house, Christmas eve night dropped off to spend Xmas morning with other parent. 11/12pm Xmas day pick up to spend with  parent who got Xmas eve dinner time. Thanksgiving, one get the morning, one gets afternoon - if location allows! Families do not mind changing dinner times to be at 12 or at 4 to allow for all memebrs to join!


It is so much more difficult to get more time once an order has been deemed official. Even if it spells out as the child gets older time increases... it is not necessary to do that!

I can tell you I have been there! Our outcome -the judge and law guardian saw nothing wrong with SS moving 9 times in 5 months, sleeping on recliners and couches! The judge also ruled a 3 hour public transportation trip one way to school was acceptable along with missing 19 days of school two years in a row ONLY on HER days! She told the judge it was a 45 minute ride despite the proof of transportation schedules. SS did keep his grades decent - not to his potential but decent enough the judge saw nothing wrong with it. We also already had it documented in court the relationship challenges she had consistently (back and forth more than 20 times in 5 years at that point)

We too had a stable environment, transportation, a good relationship model, a bedroom for SS, owned our home and we too had him 50% of the time (more like 90%). Finally last summer though letters we were able to convince BM to allow for SS to living with us during the school year. We communicated only through letters at that point. Once we proved BM wrong on the transportation, obtain attendance records for his school career and had it in writing all her days, and convinced her how this would benefit her, she allowed for it.

Then two CPS reports on drinking and violence later, this summer SS was with us 100% of the time and we denied visitation and filed with the court. The law guardian did not listen to SS with his wishes but put in the clause the parents have to respect son's wishes. Needless to say SS is with us this school year and for all years going forward, BM has EOW and SS is in football so she hasn't seen him for weeks....as SS has football on Saturdays.

That was our experience... it stunk! but with the school records we could show the inability to get him to school. I think you may have a chance showing the kids decline in school attendance and grades. Not providing educational needs for the children IS a form of neglect! Hope that angle could work for you. Unfortunateoly for us the golden uterus won in court, but Dad won in the end due to BM's ways/choices. SS is 14 now so he knows what is going on, can see BM's faults and lies. When he was in 4th grade though - BM could do no wrong.....

There are two involved CPS agencies - one in her county and one in ours. CPS has already had a conversation with son at his school last week and they have already been to our house for a 45 minute talk with us.

CPS asked if we knew - we responded that we knew something was always wrong but we didn't know what. They asked about her turmoil and we told them that famly court has all the documenation on her moves and her relationship troubles with her DH (back and forth more than 10 times in 7 years) up to December of 2006. We told them that we have already tried to go through the court system to get son with us. They seemed a bit surprised at that and asked who was the judge.

We have a right to all the report information and the investigation since we are now a part of the reports, but we haven't been able to get a hold of the guy in her county to obtain more information. So we have already been questioned about her and I feel it is important to record she was trashed at a school function.... son said today that there were times she acted like she was drunk last night. :( Poor kid. We smelled it, and she was hugging all of us...so we knew something was different.....