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There is a current investigation by CPS of BM and her drinking and domestic violence. Currently CPS told DH that if son goes to mom - he is liable for him and what transpires at mom's house.  Son is not going to mom's house, DH suspended visitation and DH filed this with the courts stating two different county CPS told us he is endangered and we would be investigated if we sent son there. Also added to the files of the court system that  if visitation is awarded again -  we want overnights suspended indefintely.

Son's middle school graduation was last night - BM was there supporting son, BUT she was trashed...meaning drunk. Do we say something to CPS about this? She does not drive (I am assuming she no longer has a license)...she was with her brother and nephews...and her daughter.... Son as stated before, is living with father and has been the past school year. The schedule was suppose to go back to 50/50 once school is over...again this isn't happening until the court orders us to.

DO we tell the social worker that BM was trashed again? We have a voice mail from BM a hour after we saw her (she left at 8:15 - she called at 9:30- her car ride is about 40 minutes)...anyway in her message she was slurring... not sure if this would be proof or not?

Thoughts?

If it is 50/50 and they agree... why would CS even been a part of the equation? 50/50 and there wouldn't be a primary...it would be joint physical and joint legal, wouldn't it?

In NY this is the way it is most of the time. 50/50 means no money exchanged...BUT medical insurance and who is to provide would be somehting that would be worked out if it went 50/50. my DH had 50/50 (now it is full time)...and no money exchanged for anything.

How old is your daughter? If she is old enough - get her a cell phone. They do have phones that are available that it will only call the numbers inputted into the phone and they have 4 buttons....you program it and one button is for your house, one button for grandma or something like that. It is also a pre-pay. We checked it out for SS but it was a bit too young for him.

BM kept having all utilities shut off ...nothing we could do about that. The last phase when BM had phone shut off for several months - she was leaving SS to babysit his sister without any means of calling for help in an emergency....so we got him a cell phone as I do not want SS to burden himself if anything happened while on his watch and he couldn't call for help.

Please remember CS is suppose to support the child - food for her, clothing, etc. I know 303 sounds like a ton of cash on your check...but  if she was with you you would be spending at the very least that much on items for her..... Yes utilities are important but the phone is not necessarily a necessity. Visitation/seeing your chilld is a different issue than child support - they do not go hand in hand.

If there isn't much information from the law enforcement there are two ways to get the papers to her...you can hire a courier service which can do the same as Kitty Explained. From experience - I do not suggest using certified mail unless she has to actually go to the post office to pick up her mail. If BM is not there both times the mail currier goes to her house, then the letter will be at the post office for a week ( it is a business week not a calendar week) for her to pick it up. With our case it took more than 8 weeks to get the returned letter that BM did not go to the post office to pick up. Instead we used FedEx or UPS to obtain her signature the third attempt (yes we tried two times to send it certified) and get the "package" to her. They are a bit more persistent and accomodating than the Post Office processes.

The business travel can be a factor.

Just so know the lack of education/not providing education can be seen as child neglect. At least in NYS.

I have been dealing withmy SS not getting to school for years. All we could do was show the dates and mark what dates were who's time. We tracked this for years. Judge thoughtt nothing of it cause SS grades were "ok"...they declined but not considerable enough for the judge.

The judge got frustrated with DH for not trying to address with the mother first and going to court first. So this year, DH wrote a letter sent via fedex (certified mailed took too long and BM didn't own a car to pick letter up when she missed the delivery) and DH requested for son to live with us during the school week. He wrote the letter as not to attack..only providing facts. Took some negotiating and several challenges but we put the letters in the form that she would be able to recognize the benefit for her even though it was all for SS. She finally agreed the week before school started.

Our first letter provided insight as to the dates which SS missed or was late to school, marked which dates were associated with BM and us in specific colors... it was clearly shown that everyday that SS missed school was all on her days for the last two years...... I realize daughter is only in kendergarten and you would like to nip this quickly.... but you may need to show a pattern of behavoir to the judge. ALL of the letters were provided to the law guardian which shows the attempt to keep it out of court.

"First of all, when you are looking at changing schedule, you need to stop looking at it from your point of view. Look at it from your daughter's point of view.
How would you like it to live your life on a 2-week-4-3-day schedule, and live like that in two different households? You would not feel at home anywhere.
If you insist on something like that, at least do a week-to-week schedule, from Friday to Friday."


as I have said before many times here - my SS lived with a 2 day on 5 day off and then 5 day on 2 day off as a schedule for his whole life. He was in between homes from the time he was 2 until now (13). He honestly stated he really enjoyed being able to be in both homes during the week adn to see both parents equally. He enjoyed having both parents involved in his school work and extra ciricualr activities. Yes the activities were harder to deal with between two homes but it can work and be in the best interest of the child. What was consitent for my SS is that he knew every monday and Tuesday he was at moms' every Wednesday andn Thursday he was at Dads.... that is my suggestion...keep the same days of the week consistent.

When we finally got SS with DH and I during the school week was after two years in a row SS school work and his emotional health suffered because he had to pretend he was sick all the time cause his mother didn't want to bring him to school. His mother also provided many homelife challenges that were not present on the other side of the fence. If he didn't have to lie, if his mother made the effort of getting him to school and his mother and step father had a decent relationship... he would of preferred to keep it the same - each parent spending time with him during the week.  Due to missing 20+ days each year ONLY on her days....he has enjoyed being at our home full time. He had his schedule from the time he was 2 till 13. He liked having two homes, twice the amount of "stuff", two places to have a bedroom and rest his head. My nephew also has to ability to see both parents throughout the week. It has been this way for him from before he was 1 and he is now about to turn 8. He is thriving having both parents involved throughout every week. So if young children do not know what it is like to have only one home...they have their "NORMAL" which may bee different from everyone else...but it is all they know

I understand mother's point of view but she didn't even read the letter. PLUS - Father is looking out for the best interest of the son, NOT the best interest of mother. However - this proposal is in the best interest for everyone but father -since father has more driving to do to ensure son gets to school. The letter was requesting for son to live with father. Father got reprimanded by the judge last time, for not trying to discuss things with mother first and going right to court. Since she didn't have a phone a letter was the only way to discuss concerns over high absennteeism, riding two hours one way on public transportation to school, her frequent home life upheaval of moving and her DH in and out of the house. The only way to provide proof of the proposed parenting plan was this letter. Actually in reality it is making her life easier since she lives an hour away from his school, she doesn't have a license or car, and she would not have to ride public transportation for two hours one way each day to get son to school, she could keep her job (which she may have already lost). This is ONLY during the school year and the proposal provided mid week time just not over night to ensure son gets to school. Mother doesn't have a high school diploma, school means nothing to her and she doesn't think it is important, has displayed this by making him stay home when he is not sick cause she doesn't want to ride the bus and take him. She will make son ride alone just to spite father. Not fair for son to ride a  bus 3-4 hours a school day just to have dinner with mother. He would be gone from her until 6pm riding the bus...a total of 12 hours as he would get the bus before 6am. Doesn't seem right.

Also mother works while son is with her - every weekend she works, son has to watch her daughter - his sister while mother is at work on the weekends. Father did not offer up more weekends due to that factor .... she is not spending time with him on the weekends, she is working.

Father will try to pick son up with court order in hand, with penal law sections printed out on what is acceptable, will have a witness and a video camera. Father can't do much more than that! If mother denies still, police will be involved, and contempt will be filed first thing in the morning with famimly court.

Silly thing is - she says she won't give son up until they go to family court. Nothing was ever filed wiht the court this request was just that a request and an attempt to make son's life better

thanks for the info.


Father has specifics in court order, stated more than once in mutiple orders. M & T mother - W-TH father alternate weekends. BTW - Son is 13

Father will go to court Thursday morning. can not file anything until it happens...until it happens nothing can be done. - Right?  Father freaking out - means pacing and worrying that he will not see his son again, despite the factors which mother holds....freaking does not mean breaking anything or coming even close to screaming...just pacing and expressed concern. Father has been in sons life from the begining - especially when mother left for 13 months when son was between 11 months and 24 months!!!

Mother won't realize this is wrong -this is a desparate measure.....the unfortnately thing is that father is trying to present a logical solution for son's well being. Father presented a solution which would make it easier for mom to see son and not have the responsibility of getting him to school and deal with her work schedule!

The fact remains - father can possibly predict where son will be for pick up - but do we allow for the refusal? Does he persue the possible location? What would  be the next step?

OK the facts:
Both parents share physical and legal custody - 50/50. Father gets more time if requested, sometimes not requested... M ,T, mother/ W, Th father - alternate F,S,Su - therefore 5 days one week 2 days the next week...been that way for 9 years court and mediation specific. 10 years ago the schedule was 4 days one week, 3 the next for both parents.

past year  - son had 17 days absent, 9 days late on mothers time, Son had 2 days late for fathers time, no absences. Mothers absence been increasing over years ..documented by school and father. Mother moved and has relationship problems with her DH, on and off for 7 years. more than 20 times moved in 6 years. Father has a wife of five  years and new child (2 years old) 2 moves since the divorce was final.

father sent request for son to be with him during school week. cordial, just the facts, no name calling. mother recieved letter- called mid evening to communicate son's abilty to access a phone, prior son had no means of communication. Once son went to bed, mother calls father, says she had custody now and will keep custody until a family court hearing.Father is to pick him up after work tomorrow. Mother said don't bother, bring the cops, won't be there. Mother has off from work, does not have a car and just started to work two weeks ago...so not alot of money.

Threat is on voice mail - therefore recorded.

Father freaking out -

Doesn't this mean that mother just hung herself and will not get custody or unsupervised visitation? Mother and Father both in new york. Mother and Father could usually agree - father taking more responsibility. The communication was just that a request. no court documents filed, no petitions presented. Just a maticulously explained and thought out request to avoid wasting courts time.