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Topics - mango

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Dear Socrateaser / Will I know if something is filed?
« on: May 04, 2004, 07:56:35 AM »
Dumb questions.

We have no attorney. DH ex (BM) has threatened to file contempt on DH, by sending a letter via her attorney stating intent to file. We did not respond, as we do not feel we are in contempt and did not want to get bullied by her attorney. We have received nothing regarding this issue since the threat letter.

BM has been saying that it was mandated in court and we are now in violation of court order. We contacted the court house to see if anything had been filed or heard, and they had no record of anything since 1999.

1.) How would we potentially know if something was filed if we have no attorney to present us with the info?

2.) Is it the courts obligation to notify us of a hearing or her attoney?

3.) Could a court date (hearing) have come and gone without us know about it?

Dear Socrateaser / Definition of school-realated activity
« on: Apr 19, 2004, 06:07:28 AM »

We share 50/50 custody of my 10-year-old step-daughter in Ohio. The father has mostly weekends (3 per month) and one full week every month.

In the order it states parents are obligated to transport child to "school-related activities" on their parenting time. There is no obligations for "optional activities", unless parents expressly agree upon activity prior to enrollment of said activity.

Mother offered up an aggressive year-round "swim club" which practice 4-5 times during the week and have out-of-town swim meets on weekends. Father would be required to travel to the meets, and afford hotel stays. This club dominates the fathers parenting time and will disrupt his entire families weekends. Holding the whole family hostage to swimming every weekned except once per month.

He immediately told her he would not agree to the swim club on his parenting time. Mother enrolled her regardless, and took her on her one weekend per month.

She then filed contempt of court for "refusal to take child to school-related activities, and paying for 1/2 of said activity." Says it's related because it prepares children for the swim team offered in high school.

The club is community driven and not sponsored, offered, or supported by the school system.

Also, the agreement does state "The parties shall agree on any major decisions regarding the child's health and welfare."


1-  What defines "school-related" activity? Doesn't it mean "sponsored, supported or offered", by the school?

2-  Is father in contempt since he did not agree to the club in the first place?

3- Can father claim this to be "interference in fathers parenting time" since in dominates his time and not hers. That family relationships are more important then an activity?

Thanks, :-0

Dear Socrateaser / Who pays what for activities?
« on: Apr 16, 2004, 05:28:21 AM »
Dear Soc,

We share 50/50 joint custody (Ohio) of my step-daughter and have no support order. In the plan it states "parents agree to pay for one-half of the costs of the the childs school-related activities." Step-daughter is in 5th grade, and decided to take flute lessons in school, and the mother went out and bought an $800 flute. Then she mails the receipt to the father requesting money, with no discussion over flute options.

He had access to 2 second-hand (already paid for) flutes and offered them instead, since she is a beginner it should have sufficed. The mother refused, and said the child has been using the new one and prefers it.  Now she filed contempt, for not paying for activities.

She also enrolled her in private flute lessons (outside of the school lesson) and father is helping pay 1/2 for those at $80.00 per month. (this was done with no prior discussion as well.)


1- Does he have an obligation to pay on demand whatever she chooses to purchase without a discussion?

2- Isn't the more expensive flute an arbitrary personal choice?

Thank you,

Dear Socrateaser / Firs Right of Refusal
« on: Apr 15, 2004, 01:19:23 PM »
We share 50/50 joint custody in Ohio, child of age 10. Last year the mother decided to leave the country for over 8 weeks (for school in France) and have someone else (her mother) do the exchanges. She figured no-one would ever know she was gone, and asked the child keep quiet about her travels. The child stayed with the grandparents while she was gone. Mother is residental parent for school only, and grandparents do not live in the district.

1 - My question is wouldn't the father have the right to have full-parenting time if the mother is away (especially if out of the country) for that long a period?

2- Could she be held in contempt of court for not telling the father she was out of the country?

3- Does the grandparent (third party) have the right to parent on mothers parenting time over the father??

4- If she plans to do this again, is there a way we can have the full-parenting time.

Parenting Issues / Giving permission on dads time
« on: Jun 23, 2006, 11:29:52 AM »
We have a 50/50 shared parenting plan, and SD is 12.

Highly conflictive, no decent communication between parents. BM feels she has a right to make ALL decisions as if BF is only a visitor. She signs up SD for activities / events and sends us the last minute schedule and costs after she enrolls. Expects us to comply, and have no opinions on the costs, or the daily schedules of the activities. Nor (it seems) do we have any rights to make our own family plans with SD.

We have a family of 6 (including her), and our schedule is anything but available 24/7 for her to blindly make plans on it.

Well she took us to court when we objected to one of the activities and she lost. Court told her she needed to "consult with father prior to signing up". Parenting plan says "prior consultation for activities", but she still does it, over and over again. Then says BF doesn't care about her best interests, only his own, yadda-yadda.

The one that gets hurt is my SD, if we happen to have made previous family plans that we are unwilling to change. (Also my own family suffers with having to break our plans, and they are disappointed)

Now, we just found out that she signed her up for a booth at an art festival on our weekend in 2 months. Funny too cause we do not see her for the second half of the summer, and then she scheduled our first weekend we get her back. Anyway, we happen to find out about this through another source, not her, so technically we are still unaware. (SD is strictly not allowed to discuss anything that her and her mom do either.-PAS)

The game: She will wait until the very last minute, to give us information knowing by then, we will have made other family plans together, and then we are the "bad guys" if we say "sorry we already made family plans". Or we can "break" our plans to accommodate this rude behavior. Unfortunately, the SD is always the victim to this game, and not by our hand. It's win-win for BM, she either ruins our family plans together or we are the bad-guys for not allowing her to attend because of our plans. (which are never important enough – according to her)

The thing is we would never dream of planning something that was on her time.

This may seem so petty, but some o fthe stuff she has planned for her were as large as a group trip abroad, during our summer. She paid for it, and all without asking us first.  Then BF refused to sign the passport, and the trip got cancelled and teh people were all mad at BF, for being a bad-guy. But why should we loose our summer with her. She never offered us a trade in time either. She just assumes if she gets a bunch of people involed that our back is against the wall, and we "have to say yes, no matter what."

How can we handle this the right way?

We have considered "contempt" on her for "not consulting/uncooperative", as this is a constant occurrence, and she seems to not learn. But she says it's "Us" that are not cooperative, because "we don't allow her to do things she likes to do".

Should we involve the SD and explain to her the rules and make her accountable for some of this?

Any smart ideas?

Parenting Issues / Projection grilling (PAS)
« on: Jun 17, 2004, 12:51:23 PM »
DH's ex accuses him and I of "grilling" SD. We never do, nor do we ever talk about the BM. It's her that does the constant grilling and badmouthing. But child thinks mother has a right to know every detail of our lives, because the mother is "protecting her". Whatever....

Problem is every thing we do or every conversation we have is directly relayed (an not always the way it was happened, it gets twisted) back to the BM. But "nothing" ever comes to DH's/our home. We are not allowed any information about SD life there.

We have a right to have normal conversations don't we? It's as if she is a stranger in our home, or an informant.

It's to the point that we are afraid to have any conversations with the child because the mother informs the child that we have no business knowing what goes on over in their home.

While that is somewhat true, why can't we ask what she is into these days, or if she has friends, or if she attended the school class movie with her friends etc.

We get lies like  "I can't remember" I don't know" for answers. She is getting really clever at lying to get out of conversations. Real good.

It seems touchy, if we discipline her for the lies the mother accuses us of being cruel to the child. If we address the fact that we think she is lying about "not remembering seeing a movie with her school" she gets uncomfortable, and we hate to accuse her, but we know when she is lying.

Anyone have this one? Or ideas on what to do?

Parenting Issues / PAS and parenting issues
« on: Apr 20, 2004, 05:21:34 AM »
We shae joint custody of my 10 year old SD. She loves to be in our home, as she also has two (half) siblings that she loves to play with. Her mother has been in and out of her life, and we have always been there. But for some reason the courts gave the mother once last chance to be stable, and gave her the school district too.

The mother has been programming the child and teh relationships are growing apart as the she gets older. The mothers programming has been working in her favor. The child had her name changed last year to carry the mothers (hypenated) instead of just the fathers name. Now she is trying to reduce our parenting time by filling or time with activities on our parenting time. It's obvious to everyone but teh courts.

We tend to walk on eggshells when it comes to parenting, because we know she will go home with complaints, and it further convinces her mom she is "so misearble" in our home.

My question is how do you parent properly when you fear the outcome or that she will go the easy route and leave us?

General Issues / Paying for extracirricular activities
« on: Apr 15, 2004, 11:01:06 AM »
We share 50/50 custody of my step-daughter and have no support order. In the order it states parents agree to pay for one-half of the childs school-related activites. The child decided to take up flute, (5th grade) and the mother went out and bought a $800 flute with no discussion to the father. Then she sends the receipt to the father and expects payments. He has 2 other kids and needs to live a little more frugile then one with one child would. He had access to 2 second-hand flutes and offered them instead, sicne she is a beginner. She refused, and said the child has been using the new one and prefers it. Does he have an obligation to pay on demand whatever she chooses to purchase without discussion?

We have a shared parenting plan, and split summes. Bio Father gets 1st half BM second. (Parents live 30-40 minutes apart)

In our situation the BM has been attempting to disenfranchise SD from her BF and our whole family/half siblings etc. Legally, psychologically, and physically attempted to relocate on many occasions. Obsessed alienator (PAS) Long story short, we finally were able to get permission by the court for counseling. Although BM naturally refuses to participate....

Being that our summers are split we go a long period with no contact during the BM's half of summer. During our half BM called every night to talk with SD. However in turn, typically during BM's half of summer, when we call SD, she did not return our calls. We wrote letters, and she said claims she did not get them. You know the drill....

The summer switch just occured last week, / now with her BM.

This year BM got a job and SD is expected to be home alone. We brought this concern up with the counselor along with the inability to contact her during her half of summer. She suggested that during her half, that we go over and visit her. Being that she is 12 now and home alone anyway, it should not interfere with her mom and her time together since her mom was at work.

Well today BF called to see if she was there and said he would like to visit, with her 3 half-siblings. Apparently after he called she called her mom and reported to her that dad was coming over. BM called BF and said he was not allowed to visit during her time.

He respected her wishes and did not visit.

Anyone have an insight on this?

Could he get into legal trouble for visiting during her parenting time?

At least the good news is that we can at least call her now, since mom is not home to intercept the calls now...Guess we should be happy about that part....

Anyone have any suggestions. We have 3 weeks left until we see her again.

Second Families / Combatting the lies, do we?
« on: Jul 20, 2004, 02:08:18 PM »
We have been in court every 3 to 6 months by the BM doing. Just found out through a friend of mines daughter (who is friends with SD) that apparently the BM has been telling my SD that WE are the ones taking HER mom to court over and over again. But it's the BM taking us to court.

The SD said to her friend "my daddy keeps taking my mommy to court for all sorts of things."

Which is untrue!

Do we address this, or pretend we knew nothing about this lie?

Problem is we can't possible cover all the lies, all the time. How do we protect ourself against  these lies that BM comes up with? (who knows what else is being said), we almost have to leave it alone and let fate take its' run....

Is that foolish?

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