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Topics - mango

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31
Second Families / Revese adoption allowed ?
« on: Jul 12, 2004, 02:05:32 PM »
I have a question for a co-worker. He said a few years ago he made the mistake he will regret forever. His ex got re-married and his Biological daughter (age 9 or 10 then) wanted to be part of the family of her mothers new husband so bad that she asked her dad if he would let them adopt her so she could "share" the same last name and fit-in better.

The father gave it some thought, and spoke with the mother in depth and they agreed that it would not change the father daughter relationship, it was only a formality for the daughter to feel part of her new family.

The father agreed, and signed adoption papers. Two weeks after the mother refused to allow the daughter and father to visit together, nor speak on the phone. Mother then twisted the story and told bio-daughter the father didn't want her and gave up on her. (PAS)

Anyone know if ....
1- Does the biological father have any rights at all?
2- Can the daughter choose to see him (on her own will) as she grows older?. If so at what age would that be? (she is 13 now.)
3- Can the bio-father reverse his decision for the adoption?
4- Is there anything he can do to see her?


32
Second Families / Step-parent allowed to call SD?
« on: Apr 20, 2004, 09:40:21 AM »
We have been in custody battles for over 6 years. I, (the step-mother) have been in the childs life for 8 years, (SD age 10 now) the first two years, I was in the picture, the mother was not even around. But there was no custody order, they were never married. She left the child with him to pursue a career in another state. No child support either...

Later, the father wanted to put the child in school and needed custody papers, and that is when things got heated. She then wanted to move the child to her state and uproot her from all her family. We fought it, and still do....

Anyways, we are now in a 50/50 plan (in our state), and the courts gave her the school dsitrict for some unknown reason. She claimed to have "more time to devote", since we had a family of two other young children. So now we have to deal with the distance of the school, her apartment, and other issues...

My problem is that one day I called my SD at the mothers home and left a message to call me. I asked her to call me back, as I was going to prepare a nice dinner for her the next nite and wanted to know what she preferred.

Well the mother called back 2x, to my husband and voiced her opinion that I had no right to call "her daughter" at her home. That I was invading her privacy, and that she had no respect for me and all the things we did. (Fight for custody rights...) She also said I was to NEVER step-foot in her apartment. (Which I had no intentions on)

Not sure where it all came from, but she really was angry. I never called SD again because I don't want to fire-up the situation, and cause conflict. However I do feel I have the right to call her from time to time as the mother calls SD when she is in my home. Plus she comes into my home.

I do not like being told what to do either, as if I am abiding by her every command. (But that is my stubborness too)

My husband will not call her on her weeks, because he is uncomfortable with the level of stress. So he avoids it. So she has managed to ban us from calling sheerly by her hot temper.

We avoid the conflict mostly because we fear the retribution the child may pay when the mother gets angry. We figure if we don't call it keeps things calmer.

But I do worry that it causes a wedge between us, and we need to keep in contact on our off weeks. But I can't make my husband call, nor am I "allowed" to call.

Any suggestions? Are we being whimps?

33
Second Families / Step-parent privaledges
« on: Apr 16, 2004, 07:14:34 AM »
I am a step-mom, and have been involved with this child since age 2. Mother has been in and out of the picture, and for past 5 years in and parenting 50/50 with father. However there is programming and lots of anger and hatred coming from the mother. No cooperative parenting since it is so hostile.

Well last summer my husband asked me to talk to her (SD) about female period stuff. (she is 10) So I did, I also talked about sex, and self respect, and preserving herself for the right person. Having respect for herself.

Well several weeks later I received a letter from her mother telling me to butt-out. That my conversations with "her daughter" were too personal, and I was overstepping my boundary as a step-mother, and I should understand my limits. That I need to leave the mother-daughter relationship to her and her daughter, and I should act only as a "friend" towards her.

My take on it is, we (my husband & I) parent together, and he asked me to discuss some things with her so I did. I also feel that as long as she lives under my roof and has influence over my own daughter, I will instill my moral beliefs about things as best I can.  But maybe I am wrong about this?

Do you think I oversteped my bounds, and should stay out of some subject areas.

34
Second Families / Right of First refusal
« on: Apr 15, 2004, 09:09:27 AM »
We share 50/50 custody. It's ver conflictive to say the least. The mother decided to leave the country for 8 weeks and simply have someone else (her mother) do the pick-ups and drop offs for the custody switches. She figured no-one would ever know she was gone. She also tried to make the child keep quiet about the whole facade. However it was a little more obvious then that. My question is wouldnt the father have the right to have full-parenting time if the mother is away? Does the grandparent have the right to parent on her time instead of the father?? We think she will do this more often thinking she got away with it. He big claim in court was that she was more available to devote time to her child then the father, yet she is hardly ever parenting the child she usually leaves her with her mother. (the grandparent)

Frustrating!

35
Visitation Issues / Doing homework on 3 hour visit
« on: May 27, 2004, 07:20:39 AM »
Lately my SD has been instructed by her BM to do her homework while visiting with her dad and us for our (3hr) Wednesday visit. She is spending nearly the whole visit doing her homework, which she has plenty of time to complete afterschool at her mothers home.

Last night she "pretended" to have to use the bathroom, and was actually completing her homework in there. I thought she had stomach problems, turns out it was math problems.

Originally in the agreement, we were told that the Wednesdays were for visits and homework was to be done by the possessory parent, not the non-possessory parent. The non-possesssory parent should enjoy a short visit, for a movie, dinner, or playtime. Understanding some days she might have HW

We know the real reason her mother does it. It's simply to prevent her from enjoying her visit with her dad, filling her time while with us, so she is not really "with" us. She is good at doing that with our parenting time.

But what can we do about it?

36
Visitation Issues / Wednesday nite visits
« on: Apr 22, 2004, 07:41:23 AM »
We get a Wednesday nite visit on our off weeks with SD. It's a 3 hour visit. The drive is 35-40 minutes with rush hour, and return is 25. Add dinner in the mix, it isnt' much time for visiting.

Anyway, recently her BM has been sending homework along with her on the visit. She tries to do it in the car so she can visit with her siblings at the house. After we eat dinner she plays with her siblings, and on the way home she panics that she hasn't done her homework.

Plus, my DH doesn't get to play the car games they usually do on the drive to and from. (They get points for every slug bug, mini's, element, hummers, convertables and etc. They love to play the game together)

We told her she should do HW after school, but she says she didn't have time....?

If we ignore the HW, her mom will accuse us of being irrisponsible, if we cater to this we get no visitation time (quality time).

I think her mom is trying to establish that the visits are disruptive or something. Not sure where this is leading but it has to be something. AS well as cut us out of time with her. She figures the less time with us (physically) the better.

Any suggestions?

37
We share 50/50 custody of my step-daughter and the mother can't stand the child spending anytime with the father at all. She has made that clear on many occassions. She has tried every tactic in the book to reduce his time and the courts continue to grant him equal rights. To that end....

Now she has enrolled her in a "swim club" that practices every night and has weekends away at swim meets out of town (requring $$ hotel stays). (she is only 10 years old). We have a family of 5, and enjoy camping skiing and other activites on the weeknds. This completely takes away from our family time. ANd if the father were to participate it takes the father away from his regular family by having to drive and attend all the required practices and meets.

He refuesd to participate and said "No" upfront. She signed her up regardless, and is now filing contempt claiming it to be school-related, and that he is refusing to take her to her activites. In the parenting agreement both parents are obligated to take the child to school-related activites. She is in elementary school, the club is not sponsored by the school, it is a local club. They assist children interested in swimming to prepare for the high school swim teams. So she is trying to "relate" it to school so the father will be forced to take her to the club.

Not only will it sever ties with family it is way too expensive to travel and pay for hotels. Does anyone think that she will have a leg to stand on in finding him in contempt of court for not taking her to this activity??

A.) I see it more as a ploy to either make it so undesirable to even have custody of a child that is so involed in activites that it is complete work driving to and from all activites. Or

B.) to interfere in parenting time.

I think she thinks the magestrate will say " let the mother drive her to and from activity" But that still leaves the father with no parenting time with his daughter.

At what point are activites more important then family time/parenting time. She is already in Private Piano, and flute lessons, and her grades are not the best. I think she is overbooked as it tis.

When does it ever end? We are in court every 3-6 months over stupid stuff and we have a family of 5 to support. It's truly a waste of everyones time to not get along.

38
Wow, I have not been here for a while and went to post this on the Soc section and saw he no longer answers here. Maybe someone out there can offer some helpful advice to our problem. Long post.

Ohio. Child is almost 15. Parents never married. Currently have a shared parenting plan 50/50, no child support order.

My husband has been actively involved in his daughters life since birth. At age 2 the mother left him (& her) and went out of the county to pursue an MBA and career. She later obtained a job in NY city. Meanwhile the child lived primarily with the father (my hubby). Mother had many visits but was unstable with employment and housing so SD primarily lived with her father/us. (no legal order then). She went back and forth from Ohio to wherever mom was at the time...but lived with dad.

When the child turned 5 and hubby and I became engaged, the mother wanted to have SD come to NY to stay for 9 months. My hubby did not want to have her gone for that long and refused to send her. She secretly came to Ohio and took her from the daycare and my hubby filed a restraint, and got her back. The custody wars began then. Mother was forced to move to Ohio to fight if she had any chance of a shared order. 2 years after, we finalized with a shared 50/50 plan, and every 2 years she would get restless with the custody orders. At one point she managed to work a “written temp plan” outside of court to switch between OH and MO, as she relocated there for a "job of a lifetime". This was a mistake on our part to allow this. As she subsequently filed for sole custody while in MO, and she was forced by the Ohio courts to return to Ohio again if she wanted any custody. As a bone they offered her the “school district”, if she came back. So she now holds the school district with a 50/50 order. (Very clever) Once she got the school district it seemed dad was left in the dust. She chose an apartment and a school far enough away from our house, to make it difficult to have a shared order on many levels. She continued to attempt to file for sole custody stating us to be “inferior” to her abilities to provide etc. Her attempts were unsuccessful.

We literally are a hard working wholesome normal everyday family, with no drugs, violence, etc. The GAL, judge, etc  found nothing with her claims and has never revoked dads rights or reduced his parenting time. Two years ago (last time in court) right after the judge ruled to dismiss her request to terminate dads rights the GAL suggested (in private) that we should file for sole, based on mom’s mental state and constant PAS. She further felt that mental evaluation should be done on her.  My husband and I have 3 small kids of our own, and have literally put every penny into these battles, and opted not to pursue yet another stressful litigation that “may or may not” yield him sole custody. We also had to consider another school switch. So we left it as the 50/50 plan, and did not pursue sole. (SD was 12 then)  Furthermore the past 9+ years worth of custody (as well as the court battles for her unfounded contempt claims, and her legally changing SD last’s name) had really done us in financially and emotionally, and we did not want to subject SD to further litigation and duress. We felt it best to let it lie, and hopefully it was over once and for all.

Soon after (about 6 months after) SD began to refuse to come with dad (just turned age 13). He tried for several months to pick her up at her school on his designated parenting time, and she refused to get in the car. She ignored us at school functions, and rarely returned calls. We decided to give her some space, as we understood the stress she undergoes with the exchanges and the constant hostile feelings her mother has towards us. We had hoped she would want to see us and her siblings soon but did not pressure her. But she did not call. In 2007 she came for a few hours on fathers day (by her own request?), and for 2 days at Christmas (2 visits in one year). She acted pretty normal towards us during those visits, and her dad asked her to please come see us more often, and she promised she would. We have not seen her since December 07. (Incidentally she has no siblings on her moms side.)

We just received a motion from her mother for “termination of all parental rights” requesting sole custody. Probably will claim that the father has not been involved, etc.

I do want to mention that during all this litigation since the mother has moved in and out of state numerous times, and the only way the court would grant her the school district was to address this concern with a disclaimer stating that she was not allowed to leave her current town for any reason, if this would happen the father would get automatic custody with out a hearing before the court.

We assume this new motion is more an issue of moving away then it is her starting to collect CS or terminating visitation (afterall we hardly see her as it stands). CS has never been a big issue between them. We assume she is considering a move out of the country, as this was a concern 2 years ago. Now even though we don’t see his daughter now, we are at least happy that she is finally in one school and making friends. She has 3 years left of HS, and we had hoped she could stay at that HS, and maybe when she is 18 when she is out from her mothers control she will come see us on her own accord. If her mother does move out of the country there is a good chance that we will NOT see her again after 18. (This is however all speculations on our part)

We know that attempting to fight for sole is pointless as by the time it goes before a judge it could be 2 years off, and she will be 16-17 anyway. As well as the fact that she is pretty settled in her school and that is not something we wan to mess with for her sake. (Her mother has little regard for her daughters ties to us/her siblings or her friends/school) My husband loves his daughter enough to give her the space she wanted and to be there and fight for his right to see her and have a relationship with her, but at this point we can’t afford this continuous hardship to our family.

Sorry for the long post, tried to summarize as best as I could.

My questions?

1.) Can she have his rights “terminated” without his consent?

2.) If he does consent can he still request that the mother stay in her same location until daughter graduates from same school?

3.) We can’t afford an attorney, can we request a public defender? If so how do you go about that? Is it income based? And is it based on his or family income? Either way I think we could qualify.

4.) Can we request the same GAL we had before?

5.) If we were to hire an attorney is there any way we can request court costs and attorney fees, due to the constant harassment?

5.) Any suggestions would be appreciated.


39
I posted back in October about throwing in the towel.

Basic summary, is we have a 50/50 plan, verbally hostile BM, who takes us to court every opportunity to try to get sole custody. Each attempt by the mother has failed.

Last case was dismissed over the past summer.

My step daughter is now 13 and is begining to resist seeing us. Even though she had enjoyed being part of our family for her entire life.

SD now, simply says she does not want to come, after her dad takes the time to drive over and get her. She is rude, about it as well. She acts as if we are an inconvenience to her life. She says she has plans with friends, and rather be at her moms. (We live 40 minutes from her social setting).

She never asks her dad for permission to do things with freinds, she just refuses to come.

Her dad is extremely nice, and flexible and told her he is OK, with being flexible. But he just wanted her to communicate with us, and no more no-shows, etc. Show some respect for this family. But she literally cut us down from a 50/50 situation, to a one weekend per month. We even had a birthday party planned for her, and she refused to come, said she made her "onw" plans.

He is at a loss as to handling this properly. To physically "force her" to get in the car and come home with us, would be upsetting for all. Yes he has a legal right, but if she doesn't want to be there, we certainly will not enjoy the time with her.

Her mom (BM), naturally, says "it's between you & your daughter now". (Gloating)

Her BM has been fighting for the "one weekend per month" plan for several years. Wellm I gues she finally has got it by way of having the daughter turned so completely cold towards us.

She even lied about a school function and said she was not going to participate and found out she did participate later on. It's very dis-heartening to know she is willing to lie to avoid us from coming to her events.

Legally on paper we still have 50/50, and her dad wants to just step back for a little bit and give her some space. Maybe she will come around on her own. Or get into a fight with her mom. Ha Ha!!

We also understand that the teen years, are self-centered, and being with "friends" is above everything. So we have backed off for now, to let her find herself and are glad she is enjoying friends.

But many times she is not even there for the pick-up, and or very disrespectful to her dad when he shows up. "What are YOU doing here" instead of " hi dad". When we do get a weekend it feels like a "mercy" weekend. She, in fact, will shorten it to 1/2 a day, and ask if she can go back, to "study".

Any suggestions to handling this better? It's like we have NO parenting power, as she seems to call the shots, I mean if she is mad, all she has to do is not answer the door, and aside from getting police to bring her out, we can't do much. Court is a NO way at this point, as we have been in court for 9 years, and are $$ done with it.

For now we just call before we come & hope she says OK I will come.

I was thinking he should just write her notes from time to time. She refuses to give us her e-mail, or at least plays like she can't remember the address, so e-mailing is out. They have caller ID, and do not pick-up when we call, or return calls.

We have 3 other children, that are her "half siblings" and the oldest is 7 and she is more attached to her then the rest. More then anything this affects her, because she adores her big sister. This is heartbreaking.

This is a clean home, no funny stuff, no abuse, drugs, neglect, criminal time, etc. No court has found ANY reason to discontinue the 50/50 plan. In fact the last go around the GAL was starting to see the strong PAS and wanted to have custody given to dad as sole, but the BM dropped the case to get rid of GAL, and we did not want to re-enter court for the "possibility" of getting sole-custody. We figured it was nearly impossible to have it reversed, based on PAS alone.

We figure there is only a few years left of custody anyway, and by the time we win she'd be 15 or 16.

Any input would be appreciated.

40
Custody Issues / PAS and turning against the programmer...?
« on: Nov 03, 2006, 11:57:56 AM »
I keep hearing and seeing some posts that when a child has been PAS'd they eventually switch gears on the programmer in the teens and start asking lots of questions.

I am curious and interested in folks stories or experiences who have had this happen to them, and I 'd like to hear some more about it. Sorta the whole Karma thing.

About what age do they start seeing it?

What if they are totally enmeshed can they break out and individuate from programmer?

What if the programmer is scary and really good at programming?

What if the programmer parent lets them do whatever, will they want to go to the stricter parent's home if they can get more with the programmer. Afterall teens do tend to be me-thinkers.

Anyone with any experience with some of the above, please post your experience.

Thanks!

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