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I have kept my mouth shut, in regards to the BM and her attempts to alienate my SD against me and DH. We never bash her, or go that route.

But at what point is it a good idea that the child see things for what they are? Can they be told about PAS and the tactics being used on them? I just wonder so many times if my SD sees it for what it is.

She told my neighbor that she tells her BM that she has a bad time at dads house because she is not allowed to tell her any good stuff because she gets mad.

This was a neighbor, she would never admit to us that she does that. So she seems to understand what is going on in some odd way.

Just thoughts.

What does your theapist say about getting custody? How involved are you int he kids schools, etc.

I would think that they would put the kids in the best home, not simply the mother. But time and time again, the mother can have all sorts of issues and father prestine, and the mother is still considered. Get a good evaluator, do y ou homework on who is good and who is 'middle of the road" Because the evaluator will determine the outcome. They basically do the homework for the judge.

I feel for you and the kids. Good luck.  

I read it too, confused.

I'm no attorney...

But my opinion by experience, you need to start now with (finding an attorney) to get jurisdiction in your state. Establish yourself as the father, paternity tests, be on the birth certificate etc.

Request your parenting rights & time right away. Joint custody gives you joint decision making, sole custody for her gives you very little input.

You could potentially get a restraining order to keep her from removing the child. If she moves away you are SOL.

You will likely pay child support, etc.

We did that. Same situation as yours. My husband was never married and he had a little girl. But for many years he parented her by himself while mother was away. She came back into picture and wanted her child and the law stated that she was teh residential parent by default. Made no difference that the child lived wiht the father for years. To the court he was non-existent until the court recognized him as teh father (Ohio Revised Code).

On this sparc website there is a spot for a form letter for denied visitation. Sparc article archives>practical tips and techniques
or http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/index.html


Re-write it to suit you situation, but it's a start. List out all teh weekends you missed, then go to the court house ask teh clerk of courts for a contempt form, and fill it out, staple your chart of missed dates as you evidence for contempt, and any other evidence. (police reports etc).

(A freind of mine purchases something on her trip so she can prove she was there to pick up teh child in that area, by keeping her receipts as evidence)

It should only cost you filing fees. You can always ask an attorney for some language to represent you self better. Sometime sthey will help for free, some for a small fee.

Be persistent, you have a right o see your children, but it is a separate issue then support. Keep it separate or that will burn you.

Hope that helps....
Good luck.

>>>

From: (name)
  To: (BM)
  Date: (today's date)
  Re: Denial of parenting time

 Dear BM,

I'm sure you realize that I consider my time with (names) to be extremely special and valuable beyond measure. She is a part of my family, and my parenting time is an important part of all of our lives. In our last hearing on this matter, equal parenting time was ordered by the courts, and schedule was created to be followed.

In practice, however, you have failed to comply with the parenting schedule outlined in our agreement and have taken upon yourself to attempt to reduce my portion of parenting time. To demonstrate, I've prepared this table:



<>

Because of your actions, I've had far less than my allotted time with (child). It also makes it extremely difficult to plan the kinds of activities we like to do on these occasions.

The conditions and restrictions you have placed on these visits violate the court ordered schedule and are not acceptable. You have your own parenting time to schedule activities for (child name) as you see fit, please allow me to do the same with my parenting time.

I have been flexible in the past and allowed you additional time for >>>>>>, and various other days with the this schedule (for example, when special events occur), but I expect reasonable advance notice and compensatory time. I also reserve the "right of refusal" on all such changes in the court ordered schedule. I hope that we can reach agreement on these issues without involving a third party, but understand that I will do whatever is necessary so I can spend my parenting time with (childname).
      Respectfully,
      (your name)

CC: her attorney
CC: The court clerk at the courthouse

Do teachers mind if the step-parent is involved as much or more then the father? I sometimes feel that is my husbands duty, however I am usually the one helping her with assignments and keeping tabs on school more then he does. Not sure how that happened but it did.

I was scolded by the mother for attending the school open house and the ice cream social (by myself). I got a letter from the mother saying my presence at school functions was annoying and she felt it was a tactic on my part to purposly annoy her. "your actions come across as much as an attempt to antagonize as lend a helping hand to Cliff." Her words.

But to be honest, I am uncomfortable as hell at those functions and really do not look forward to them. But I go to get familiar with SD teachers, school, and to know what is expected of her for the year. It has been helpful time and time again to go. My husband opted not to go, as he wanted to be with his daughter instead, and it was our parenting nite. He doesn't like to not be home when she is with us.

So I went instead. I do not feel I owe the mother any explanations as to why i came instead of him, I just do what I do and ignore her nasty letters.

Not sure what is right.

Do you think step-parents have a right to go to school functions and contact the teachers regarding hte childs grades or homework?

She is in 5th grade, age 10. She is young for her grade, and often struggles with homework. That is why we feel it is important to have all the resources to assist her.

I just don't get it....

She lives with us 14 days per month so we have her own set of clothes in our home, so there is no packing excuse. He should try to pick her up but the mother is very confrontational, and my husband is not. So he avoids conflict, by not stirring the pot.

He is different then I.

Thanks for responding!

Well it is re-assuring seeing posts from teachers that do realize there are two sides to a story. In our situtaion the mother is local, and unemployed, so voluteers for everything with the school. Father does not have that ability, only occasionally. But that doesnt mean he doens't care either. He just doesnt need to "put on a show" to show he cares.

So teachers would be willing to copy graded assignments? That is what we would like most. The school letter updates us on things to come, but the grades we never see.

I will ask the teacher about it.

Thanks

I do e-mail the teacher, and we explained teh situation. But yet, he doesnt seem willing to go an extra-mile for us. I feel like I hound him already.

I think the mother has said bad things about the father (us) to the school. She goes around telling others that we are irrisponsible and lose homework. Which is not true.

The principal sends us teh school notes, and stuff, which is great. But last week I worked a big project with her and I will never find out waht she got for a grade. I e-mailed the teacher and he hasnt replied.

We totally missed school pictures because the order form came home and when I found out about it asked the teacher to send another one, and by the time I got it and turned it in, it went to the re-take pile. We called the photographer and asked if he could duplicate the 1st order for us instead and they said no, it's all automated–sorry. So for re-takes her mom had her in a t-shirt and fuzzy hair.

Nice memory, real keeper.

Next year she will be in middle school, and their school has a homewrok hotline, so hopefully that will help.

Thanks for responding. I just don't get it. I try to imagine if I was sharing my own child with another woman, and I can't see myself doing things to get in the way of her school accomplishments. It makees no sense to me...

Does this include graded homework and teacher letters for parents?

We have 50/50 custody of my step-daughter and the mother has the school district. We do have an obligation to school-work as well as the mother. However the mother purposfully obstructs teh fathers ability to keep informed of school projects, events, and assignments by removing stuff from the childs school-bag.

A Friday Folder is sent home every Friday with parent information, graded homework, and school handouts. The father has 3 Friday's per month and should be seeing 3 of these folders per month. However he is scheduled to begin his parenting time one hour after school is out he picks up the child at the mothers home.  The mother removes the Friday Folder, and the daily planner which tells what homework assignments are due for the week.

The child will play dumb with homework if she can, and we have no idea what is due, or even how it is to be done. Usually the handouts explain what the kids are working on, and what is expected.

We have sent an envelope back with the book bag requesting that she put copies of school info it it. (Forwarding stuff between parents.) But she says it's up to us to get the info from the school ourselves by making arrangements with her teachers.

We tried that and the teacher sent duplicates of stuff home it teh Friday Folder, and we still never got it.

The teachers do not have time to duplicate every handout and provide separate "folders" for "mom" and "dad". It's quite embarassing, to say the least.

I think she just wants the father to miss assignments that are due, so she can set him up for being incompetent, or miss a school play and say, "see daddy doesn't care about you".

What can we do?

Can she be in contempt of anything?