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#1
Second Families / Hi Again!~
Jul 15, 2015, 08:14:39 AM
Hey folks! I haven't had much to share lately, but I'm having some mixed feeling that I need to vent.

SD is now 24 and has been estranged for 3 years. The PAS that DH's X did worked. We really thought Sd would figure it our when she got older but that hasn't come to pass.

Our only way of knowing if she is alive is through google searches and court records. Everything is locked down, so even the google searches don't come up with much anymore.

Last we saw, DH's X was going to court again with her lender for foreclosure on her home. From what records show she was not working with them to come to an agreement, surprise surprise. Her house was on the market and was just taken off. I'm assuming the foreclosure went through and the bank will list it now or it will go up for auction. You would think there would be a degree of schadenfreude and maybe there is but it is really buried.


His ex was a terrible person to DH and even worse, screwed up SD terribly. I don't feel for X but I know SD was living with her and now I'm so concerned about her. I also know we will have an impossible time knowing where in the world she is living. It makes me feel I am losing her again, even though the only "contact" we've had was finding a picture on google images or seeing her mom's court documents.

SD is sadly probably just as sick as her mom and I don't want that pain to be around DD. I don't want SD in our lives right now. I don't know what I want. I miss her. I think about her daily. She is a part of our lives that is missing but I don't know if I really want it back.   
#2
Second Families / Blast from the past
Jun 01, 2013, 02:08:32 PM
Hi guys!

It's been a long time. I hope everyone is doing well.

My SD is now 22 years old. Our story, at least my part, started when she was only 5 years old.

SD has now cut us off for 2 years. I miss her terribly but am really concerned about reuniting. We have a wonderful 3 yo now and I don't look forward to introducing her into that drama.

I tried using my old techniques to find out where she is and how she's doing but she is very well hidden.

Take care,
Ref
#3
Second Families / Old Member back for an update
Mar 30, 2011, 10:30:22 AM
I don't know if any of you remember me, buy I posted on here all the time between 2001 and 2008.

Just a brief summary:
DH was dealing with long distance relationship with SD. Typical PAS stuff. Mom lied about everything related to dad. Sd believed it all. I wont go in to the details because its mostly typical and terrible stuff you guys have dealt with. Dh followed the high road rules and never bad mouthed PBFH infront of SD.

Now SD is 20. It has been blissfully quiet on the PBFH front since she graduated high school. We since had a baby (Amelia) who is 17 months.

SD has turned into a manipulative SOB just like her mom. She threatens not to come visit if he doesn't send money. She lives with her mom now and goes to junior college. They both just lost their jobs. DH pays car and health insurance. Bought her a laptop and a car. Anyway, drama continues and it isn't looking good for DH and SD's relationship.

My biggest concern right now is my dd. I don't want her involved in any of this poison. None of it.

I just wanted to drop a line and let you guys know, and some of you newbies, that the decision you make to take the high road should be for your conscience to rest, not to expect a great outcome in the end. Although the fat lady hasn't sung, I honestly couldn't tell you that we did the right thing relative to DH and SD's relationship. The only thing I know is that we did the right thing for our conscience.
#4
Every year I extend our return because I'm a public accountant and by the time I get done doing everyone elses returns, I can't get to ours. Anyway, I just went to file electronically for Fed and State and the return was rejected because BM already filed with SD as a dependent.

This is DH's year to claim SD. He has all the docs required. Now we have to paper file.

So this is our problem. SD graduated highschool this year. DH is finally free from all the craziness of BM, for the most part. He would lose out on a chuck of cash if he lets it slide, but we are expecting a baby soon and could really use the cash. On the other hand, who needs the additional stress of a crazy BM in our lives anymore....

Anyway, to make a short story long :), if DH were to paper file and claim SD as he is entitled to, how will BM be notified? I am picturing a letter from the IRS stating that she underpaid and needs to pay back the money she got from claiming SD.

What do you think?

Ref
#5
After weeks of phone tag (thanks to BM still refusing to let DH call SD's cellphone), SD called. Dh asked her about prom and graduation. He talked to her about our visit coming up and then ...he told her that she was going to be a big sister.

After she shook off the shock, she was very happy and excited. What a relief! She asked to talk to me, which she hasn't done since before she turned 14. She asked me all sorts of questions and said she was looking forward to coming up this summer to help pick out baby things.

My initial guess about how she would handle it was that she would be happy but after she told her mom and her mom put her evil spin on it, SD will have a change of heart. I hope I'm wrong and just enjoying this moment right now.

Thanks to all of you for all the support and advice over the past 13 years. I don't know how we could have made it through without you.

Ref
#6
We finally got the invitation to SD's graduation. I am so excited for her and honestly for us as well.

Dh has been waiting to get the invitation to tell her that we are going to have a baby. That call should be tonight. I am pretty nervous. If I know her and her mom well enough, SD will be happy but once she tells her mom and hears her poison about it, she will turn around and be pissed. We will see though. I've been wrong once or twice in my life before. :)

Dh's going to help SD get a used car for her graduation present. Hopefully that financial incentive will keep things from getting too hostile.

Wish us luck!

Ref
#7
For those of you that remember me, I have some great news. SD just turned 18 and is going to graduate in a couple of months! I am so excited! DH has 2 CS payments left, which means only 2 months to actually have to deal with PBFH!

Another bit of good news is, I am pregnant. DH and I are so excited. We are both in our mid-thirties and feel like this is a new beginnning.

The advice I need is, how do you recommend DH tell SD? We live very far, so it can't be face-to-face. For those that don't know the story, BM is seriously crazy and will make life as difficult as possible.  Graduation is at the end of May but I don't know if I just want to show up a giant and spring it on her and her mom.

Anyone have experience with this one?

Thanks
Ref
#8
Chit Chat / Caylee Anthony - who's the daddy?
Feb 11, 2009, 10:37:55 AM
After seeing parts of the funeral service yesterday on the news, an old questions about this case kept creeping back into my head.

WHO IS CAYLEE'S DAD?

With the lies that her mom seem to tell with every breath, I don't know if even the real dad knows he is the daddy.

It just saddens me that some man out there possibly missed the joy of having his daughter in his life for the short time she was on the earth. It also saddens me that this little girl might still be here if the daddy was know and in her life.

Sorry for the depressing topic, but I can't seem to stop wondering who this man is.

Ref
#9
Second Families / Reality check needed
Nov 09, 2008, 06:54:35 AM
OK. BM is losing her marbles. I sent an email to SD asking if she was ok and wishing her well after her mom called the house saying that SD had an emergency. On the email I offered to call DH's cell if she wanted me to.

BM intercepted the email and replied to me on SD's account saying that I was not to be involved in SD's life and that she and SD were perfectly capable of calling DH's cell.

DH tried to call SD but BM answered and started yelling at him about money. He asked several times to what happened to SD and then asked to speak with her directly. BM said she would only pass the phone on if he listened to everything she had to say and proceeded to say disparaging things about him. He hung up the phone.

He sent SD an email saying that he tried to called her and hoped she was ok. He did say that her mom wouldn't put her on the phone. He offered to reimburse her for cellphone calls if he would give him her cellphone number (BM refuses to let DH have SD's cell number)

Low and behold BM sends an email from SD's account saying that DH is stupid and that she has all of SD's passwords and can delete any emails DH sends her at any time. She said she has never done that, but will in these circumstances.

DH resends his email to SD and BM writes "intercepted again!".  He resends again and she replies again saying "you aren't very smart are ya".

What to do? DH still doesn't know what is wrong with SD. He can't call or email her.

Ugh. We have 5 months and 22 days left. Does it really get darkest before the dawn?
#10
Father's Issues / English Dad
Nov 08, 2008, 08:29:01 AM
Does anyone know a good resource for a dad who is dealing with PAS in England? I'm looking for webpages that can help him out.

Thanks
Ref
#11
Child Support Issues / ER instead of the Dr.
Nov 08, 2008, 07:22:47 AM
I posted on the Fathers board as will, but maybe this is more appropriate.

First of all, BM is freaking out. She only gets 6 months more of her child support income and then she is on her own. She emailed DH several days ago asking what he was willing to do to help support SD after she graduates highschool and explained that she would still be living with BM, so BM will still have to feed and clothe her etc... DH responded that whatever happens after graduation is between him and his daughter and he would be happy to speak with DD about it.

Well she lost it. She emailed a couple times some nasty comments. She called DH cell and our home # but didn't leave a message. The next morning DH checks his cell and there were 11 calls from her with no message.  All the calls were between 6:30 and 8 in the morning.  She finally called the house that evening. I answered because DH was out and she was yelling and freaking out (normal for her). Anyway, I ask if there is an emergency and she said yes. I asked if SD is ok and she said no. She said she had called DHs cell several time and he didn't answer. I asked if she left a message and she said "He knows I called. I don't have to leave a message". 

To make a long story longer, she calls his cell and finally leaves a message yelling at him saying that she is taking SD to the emergency room. She ended the message with "thats what you get".

Turns out, BM was calling that morning to get DH to put the $15 copay for the family practitioner on his credit card because she doesn't have any money. She took SD to the ER because the would bill her($100) and she didn't care that it cost more because DH is responsible for all uncovered costs. 

We have it in an email from BM that she chose to go to the ER and not to the family practitioner because she was trying to avoid the up-front copay.

What do you think? I think DH should just reimburse BM for the $15 she would have paid and have the rest be her responsibility.

Thanks for putting up with my venting
Ref
#12
Father's Issues / Old timer needs advice... again
Nov 08, 2008, 04:54:32 AM
I know I have read posts in the past about this, but I thought I would get any updated  advice.

PBFH didn't want to pay the co-pay ($15) to take SD to the doctor's office, so she took her to the ER because they will bill her ($100). 

She flipped out on DH in an email the night before and the calls to his cell and our home happened shortly after that. DH is at the point where he is not going to argue anymore, so he lets the calls go to VM. She never left a message. She called 11 times in an hour.

She calls the house and I answer and ask her if she left him a message and she said "I don't have to. He knows I called". She calls him right after and leaves a message about he taking SD to the ER. She said "this is what you get!". She also gleefully sent an email telling him how much more the ER was that he had to pay.

Anyway, she sent DH an email that said that she chose to go to the ER instead of the DR because she couldn't pay the co-pay.

My advice to DH is to reimburse her the co-pay for the Dr. and not the entire ER bill.

What do you think?
#13
Chit Chat / Much better
Apr 27, 2008, 06:04:16 AM
Wow! I stepped away from the board for a couple of months and I have to say, it seems much better.

When I left, there was a poster that tried to drag out fights with everyone. It was exhausing. I had to deal with my husband's difficult ex for 14 years and coming here was a sanctuary. After that poster came on, I just didn't want to deal with the same stuff here, so I left.

I honestly think this "open discussion" board was the best thing that happened to SPARC in a long long time. In the very least it seemed to stop people from carrying out the pointless arguements on the other boards. It also seems to have taken some of the "fun" out of starting those fights to begin with.

Good Job!
#14
Florida State Forum / Kstaplelman!!!
Jan 19, 2007, 10:08:52 AM
I read your post on Soc's board and I think I might be able to offer some advice.

First, these State boards really suck. Don't depend on anyone answering anything on these boards for a LONG TIME.

A little background. I am SM to a SD who lives in Florida with BM and my DH and I live in pennsylvania. Talk about long distance! Well, we have been dealing with this for 13 years now and a little more than 800 days left before it is over.

DH's court case is in Escambia County. If this is where you have to go, he had a great attorney.

Anyway, what does your parenting agreement say about phone contact and visitation?

DH's initial agreement was awful. It just said "reasonable" which meant that BM was allowed to determine what was reasonable. It gave her WAY too much control.

Anyway, this is what my DH got worked out after his court case.

1. Every other school vacation. It was specifically spelled out with dates and times and which holidays he would have on odd years and which he had on even years.

2. Any weekend he is to travel to Escambia with 7 days notice

3. All summer except the first 14 days and the last 7 days.

3. BM and DH split transportation costs with Dh deciding flights.

4. Child is allowed to contact either parent at any time and each parent has the right to contact the child once a day between 8am and 8pm for a maximum of 30 minutes (DH and BM changed it to an hour), unless there is an emergency.

Basically, what he got was the standard parenting agreement without the standard weekends and a longer summer.

How old is your son? We got an 800 number for SD to call us whenever she wanted from a payphone or home or wherever so Bm wouldn't have the excuse of money (even though it says she should pay). We also got her a calling card form this board that you can put $ on and specify what #s she can call. We have DH's cell and DH's mom's # on it. DH and I also got her a cellphone. BM has managed to keep her from calling our 800 number and calling card and she got rid of the cellphone, but they were very useful for a good period of time. Another option is to get a myspace account and set a webpage for your son. You can update it every day with pictures of his 1/2 sister and your side of his family and stories of what is going on.

Try to get your hands on the standard parenting agreement for the area and modify it to what you think you will want. I think it is required that the court refer you to mediation before a court date will be set. Take advantage of that and prepare for what you think is fair. Judges HATE to deviate from the standard agreement too much, so you are probably in luck.

Hopefully you will get your CS hearing done after or at the same time (usually handled in mediation as well). If it is after and you don't get the split travel costs, try to get an adjustment in your CS. There is Florida case law that they consider time with both parents and legitimate expense that should be split. They also knock out the childs health insurance costs in proportion to your income.

Also, it really is good that your ex wants to communicate through email. Both of you have it on record and it keeps things civil. We have  a program called readnotify.com that tracks emails. It is necessary for us because BM lies about receiveing emails etc..

Anyway, I have a lot of advice. I am not a lawyer, but I have been educated through having to go through this myself for so many years.

Good Luck.

Ref
#15
Florida State Forum / FLMOM
Nov 04, 2005, 10:06:19 AM
I'll keep you posted!


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#16
We are counting down the final year for DH to pay CS. Unfortunately, his CS agreement says that he has to pay until she turns 18 or graduates HS, whichever comes last, up until she is 19. We always thought DH would pay until she was a little over 18 because of the timing of her b-day. Now we are concerned that she will be in school for another year. She doesn't go to class often (She has missed at least 20 classes in the math class she is getting an F in). She is bombing a few of her classes. I am guessing she will squeek by, but I am not feeling confident. She may have to retake a couple classes after all her friends graduate.

Anyway, there is wording in his agreement that she must be enrolled in HS full-time and in good standing in order to require DH to continue paying. Any idea what that means? What is full-time vs. part-time high school? What is good standing?

Thanks
Ref
#17
Child Support Issues / Tax refund shorted
Nov 30, 2007, 03:49:02 PM
I just got my tax refund and it was shorted by about the same as the dependent amount.

Around April BM emailed DH reminding him that he gets to claim SD. Later she emailed him that she needed to talk to him about taxes. Then she emailed telling him to f off and that she didn't want to communicate with him anymore.  We just assumed that she filed with claiming SD.

We filed this year and attached the proper docs, but we extended and she didn't. We didn't file until October.

Long Long story short. What do we do if this is the reason that we were shorted? Do we deal with the IRS, small claims, family court?

I have a feeling that a few of you have had to deal with this very situation.

Thanks
Ref
#18
Has anyone else had travel expenses deducted from their calculated support? BM was the one that moved away with SD and DH was given that as a deduction in Florida court.

I was just curious if that is common.

Best wishes,
Ref
#19
Child Support Issues / Pissing matches
Nov 08, 2007, 01:27:59 PM
I really miss the old boards. When people were more concerned with helping each other out then being the one to get the last word in. I have been here for many many years (changing my name once) and I have never seen it get this bad.

There is one specific poster who seems to have an opinion on almost every post that is put on this board. He doesn't like to hear anything he doesn't agree with and doesn't know how to end a conversation without getting the last word in. If he disagrees he becomes condescending, only making the respondent more likely to carry on the pissing match.

It makes me sad to see that this board is no longer focused on helping people but in bickering like children. If I were new to this board I would see this place as a hostile silly environment and would not expect any real support.

Thank you to you oldtimers and many of you newcomers for showing support and lending a hand. You are invaluable but unfortunatly overshadowed buy some other less humble folks.

Best wishes,
Ref

#20
DH's ex is trying to say that he needs to reimburse her for counseling for SD. It is at BM's place of work and last time she pulled this, she said that Sd was going several times a week and DH should prepay. SD only went 4 times in several months.

Anyway, DH's agreement says he is responsible for 100% of all reasonable and necessary medical expenses. Does therapy qualify as a medical expense? SD has no medical reason for going. She is just mixed up in the head because of all the PAS she has been through.

I have no doubt that she could benefit from a therapist but I have some serious issues about it. 1. BM mentioned this as a threat to sue DH again and told him he had to pay 100%. 2. BM is having SD go at her place of employment, hardly a level field for anyone. 3. She pulled this before where she pretended that SD needed massive amounts of therapy and wanted DH to prepay and then she stopped taking her.

The question again is, is therapy a reasonable and necessary medical expense?

Thanks
Ref
#21
Child Support Issues / Quick question
Apr 11, 2007, 11:19:35 AM
DH's child support order states:

"In the event the child attains the age of 18 before the child's graduation from highschool, the child support payments shall continue until the child attains the age of 19 years or graduates from high school, provided that the child is enrolled as a full-time student in good standing in high school"

SD is failing out of school in her sophmore year. She will likely have to repeat a grade. One of her trashy friends decided she wanted to graduate early by droppping out and getting her GED. Now SD wants to do that.

I guess the question is, what does "good standing" mean? She is currently getting mostly F's and not attending school regularly.

I understand that DH will likely have to keep paying support until she is 18 if she drops out of school. Chances are she will have to live with her mom. I was just wondering if she is 18 and a senior but missing enough school to be truant or getting all F's, at what point can he stop paying?

Ref
#22
Child Support Issues / Medical Bills
Feb 17, 2007, 04:43:09 AM
BM emailed DH that SD is on BC pills for medical reasons. It is acceptable. DH has to pay 100% of medical bills. She suggested that he simply send her the $15/month instead of her submitting a reciept.

He is very uncomfortable with this because of past "medical" issues that required on going care. When DH told her that they were not reasonable and he wasn't paying, this "necessary" care was stopped. Prior she asked him to just send an extra $100/month because that is how much it costs and that she wasn't going to send him a receipt. Turns out the medical care was therapy in the office that she works in....

She has been fairly decent to DH and he doesn't want to disrupt the balance, but he really doesn't trust her with this.

Any suggestions? I was thinking that he could say he needs it for his tax papers and ask her to fax them instead (so she doesn't need to worry about mailing).

Ref
#23
Child Support Issues / Tax withholdings continued
Jan 30, 2007, 05:12:08 PM
Although you may be penalized for underpayment of taxes withheld, it is very easy to avoid if you are the average individual.

Assuming that nothing has changed from year to year (marriages, births etc) and you are making the same or more than last year, you can avoid penalties by taking your old tax return from the year before and finding the line that says "taxes owed" (line 63 on the 2006 1040).

If you pay 100% of the amount you paid in 2006, in 2007 you will be fine and, like I said, if nothing changes in your life and you make a little more than you did in last year you will probably end up paying a little at the end of the year with no penalty.

If you will make less this year or have life changes that will decrease your liability (another kid or other new tax breaks in your life), you will want to lower you taxes to no more than 90% of what you guess you will have to pay.

Adjusting your W-4 is easy and your payroll person can probably give you an idea of how much will be taken out of your check if you get the same amount of pay each period. Just ask your payroll or HR person for a new W-4 form or print it from irs.gov. Follow the directions and you should be golden.

If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

Ref

This is general information and as with any tax questions the answers will vary from individual to individual. See a tax advisor for specific advice about your situation.
#24
DH's Court date was 10/30. He got his reduction and all of her contempts against him and request for reduction in his parenting time were thrown out the window.

His lawyer drafted the final order and her lawyer made some changes. Without any complaint, Dh's attorney put the ball back in BM's lawyers court. It has been over 30 days since BM's lawyer got her changes. How much longer will this take?

Just curious, it seems like a long time.

Ref
#25
my post on his page?

What does he mean "think out of the box"?

Any suggestions?

Ref :-(
#26
State: Fl

Dh lost his job last October and filed to modification. BM drew out the court so our final hearing is this October. In the process DH started his own business with a partner (LLC).  There has been little planning for tax or Child support.

Any advice on how to show that DH is not earning half of all the company's money? It is a new company and will need to have funds to cushion for bad months. DH's been taking modist distributions. These distributions are very close to what , based on salary.com, he would earn in the open market.

Thanks!

Ref
#27
DH's court date is set for decrease in CS. It will be a full year from the date filed. He is going for retroactive to the date he filed. Anybody try this?

Ref
#28
DH filed in October. Answered a discovery request in November. Answered an additional request in December. Countersuit filed in Decemeber for downward mod of visitation and contempt. Asked to file for court date and was refused by BM's attorney because she needed clarifiation on some discovery items. Clarification sent in late December. No Activity in January. Updated info requested in February. Dh answered in Feb and asked for court date. Court date was filed for. Judge ordered mediation instead. Mediation date agreed on in June. BM changed her mind because she had a work conflict (she is such a liar).

Would you consider this really long to wait for change?

BM knows our wedding is in July, visitation with Sd is during summer months, broadway show tickets were purchased for SD for late June, and DH has to keep paying this crazy amount which is breaking him. We really think she is just delaying.

Does it seem that way to you guys or is this normal?

Thanks
Ref
#29
Help!

I think I am losing my mind now. DH's office closed down and now he is unemployed. He has been busting his butt to make a go at a company and it has really good prospects but is not paying out now.

He was getting paid about $95k in the past.. good deal huh? Well, he was lucky. He was working with people he knew for a decade and was getting paid much more than he should have been.

He talked to friends in the industry and it looks as though noone is hiring. He went on Monster.com and found that all the sales jobs in the area either require a degree, experience in an industry DH doesn't have, or they pay about $35k/yr. He also has to pay for his daughter's health insuance which runs us about $265/month.

BM has a Masters and is working for diddily poop. She had a job that paid about $30k but left voluntarily to get her Masters. Now she is making $8/hr.

DH's attorney is really upsetting DH. He says that it is only another 3 years and to suck it up. He didn't even calculate the child support right. He also said nothing about retroactive.

I really don't know what to do. We can't afford all of this. HELP!!!

I really need advice on handling a lawyer that is 1400 miles away and advice in starting the business and having income imputed.

Thanks
Ref
#30
That DH is OWED money?

Based on his income, BM's income(estimated), Health insurance and Visitation travel costs the calculation says that BM actually would OWE DH $50 a month.

So how does this work? Is it lowered to 0 ? What about all of the extra support he has paid since he filed? Does he still get credit for it?

Thanks everyone!

Ref