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#151
Second Families / Nice Dinner Party - Vent
Jul 13, 2004, 06:23:14 AM
We took to have dinner with some friends that have a daughter around the same age. We had a really good time but conversation haulted when SD said a couple of things.

1. We were talking about dangerous neighborhoods (where I went to college) and SD said "I live in the ghetto in FL". Not defensively but obviously ashamed. Made me so mad that BM chooses to let her experience that shame.

2. SD called BM that morning and BM told her that her pet was dying. She had finally brought it to the vet after months of seizures. Originally BM said that the pet was sick because SD was away with us not because he might have cancer. Anyway, SD said "everytime I visit my dad my pets get sick". I wanted to say something so bad. Our friends gave us looks of understanding.  Maybe I will try to fit in conversation that the pets are sick already when she comes but don't make it to the vet for diagnosis until after she is here.

Just a little vent. Thanks
#152
Second Families / SD being manipulated, ing
Jun 26, 2004, 04:18:19 AM
Yesterday was a bad one. Sd is here for 6 weeks this summer. DH just won that a month ago through mediation. Now BM is calling (our 800# for SD) everyday, emailing her long messages and IMing all the time.

I don't know the contents of the email or IM but I know the effect. It has been less than a week that SD has been here and she is sooo homesick. BM has tried before, failing miserably. She has told her of how her pets miss her. She brings up what her friends are up to and what she is missing out on. She tells her of her broken heart because SD is not there.

This year it is working. SD told DH last night that she misses her friends and her mom and she wants to return 2 weeks early. Funny, because that is the exact time frame PBFH tried to get during mediation. SD said "it is my life there". Funny, those words and in that context was written in a letter from PB to DH and PB used those exact words in mediation.

SD busts on DH because he has no college. How do we tell her that PB has been in college for 10 years has hardly worked and probably wont get a job when she gets out (no she isn't a dr), that BM is a loser and DH has been supporting himself and SD and BM for those 10 years through his hard work and has little chance to go to college because of the resposiblilities.

What should we do? PBFH turns the phones off whenever she is mad at DH. We have never done that, but are really considering it. We are considering avoiding the computer as much as possible. DH wants to write a letter to PB about the effects of the conversations she is having with SD, but how do you word "stop doing what you are doing because it is working for you"? I hate the thought of limiting the communication she has with her mom, but the communication that is going on is so hurtful.

I really need advice. DH was on the brink (or over the brink) of crying last night about this. I can't stand to see him this way.
#153
Second Families / Welfare questions
May 10, 2004, 09:06:07 AM
Does anyone know if DH can request all information with SD's name on it that was submitted to the welfare agency?

We have a feeling PB has taken Sd to welfare dr. instead of using insurance. She also only claimed $1k in income last year when she has been receiving funds (I'm not sure where from) to go to graduate school. She definately did not get a scholarship; it must be a grant or welfare service. She gets low-income housing and probably foodstamps.

One document that we obtained that I beleive is for child care assistance, states that Dh is not a legal parent and that he is not allowed to pick SD up from care. (legally incorrect). This document also only included DH's name and state, the address and ss# spots were left blank.

What do you think? Any detectives out there that can help?
#154
Second Families / Now it is my fault! GRRR
Apr 19, 2004, 09:41:29 AM
Background:

DH and I have been together for 10 years now. From the very beginning PBFH gave us grief. If she couldn't think of any real reason to b*tch, she would point at me. "SD doesn't like Ren". "why can't you spend more time alone with SD, Ren is ALWAYS around". My favorite is when she accused me of spanking SD.

Now she is playing civil. I think it is because DH is in the middle of sueing her for contempt and change in visitation. The only problem she has still is me. "Her name is on the return address label". That was her complaint.

I guess if I just disappeared after all these years she would be treating DH like GOLD.

ARRRGGH. I guess I can't really complain. She is being civil otherwise. That in itself is a bit scary.
#155
SD is severely PASed. One of the basis of the PAS is BM's claim of being a victim of DH and the courts. She said DH keeps suing her to SD. Sd is now 16 and deciding not to talk to DH.

BM recently moved and refuses to tell DH where. He has requested her address since April. Once in a letter sent to her PO box that had a check in it and twice through tracked email. She got both the emails and the check was cashed.

BM also stated that she was moving again w. SD at the end of the summer. She will not tell him where. DH also asked what High school SD will be going to and she has not answered that either.

She is refusing all letters sent certified, fedex etc... Even gifts for SD. She is only getting the letters from her PO Box. CS is sent through the court, so that is no help either.

Sd is PASed to the point where she is not responding to emails either.

He would hate to go through court. He only has 670 days left and chances are, this will be drawn out that long. Not to mention, Sd already thinks he is severly litigious. (Went to mediation 1ce to spell out visitation form a prior order that just said "reasonable visitation" and went to court once for a temp reduction in CS and to defend against contempt and reduction in visitation that BM filed).

Any real world advice? He has no idea about summer school. He has no real idea of where they live or where they are planning to move. BM disconnected SD's cell phone.

Thanks
Ref

#156
Visitation Issues / Taking SD to Canada
Dec 07, 2006, 01:35:42 PM
Does anyone know if Dh needs to get specific written approval from BM to take SD to Canada?

There is nothing in his court order about it, but I heard something about it being needed if you travel to Mexico and maybe Canada.

He has shared legal custody.

Thanks
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#157
Visitation Issues / Should we make her come?
Oct 13, 2005, 09:04:21 AM
I have always stood by the thought that a child doesn't have an option not to see their CP so they shouldn't have the option not to see their NCP. I have been reading some articles lately that say that it is better to allow teenagers (SD is 14) to decide whether or not to come to NCP's for visitation.

Any opinions on this? SD is constantly telling DH that she has fun here but would rather be at BM's. She says she misses her friends and mom and would rather not come here. She lives 1400 miles a way, so it isn't and "every few weekends off" type of thing. These are large chunks of time. BM also plays the "understanding" role to her saying how DH doesn't listen to SD the rest of that crap.

Anyone decide in a long-distance to let the teen choose or not choose?

Thanks
Ref
#158
What do we do with SD during that time. DH's job is on the brink right now so he can't take time off. I also have professional commitments during that week but might be able to swing a couple days off that week. DH can work from home and his mom has off on Wednesdays.

The real problem is that all the kids in our town are in school. SD is 14 and we are afraid that she will be bored and frustrated that she can't be with her friends  at her mom's during the week but can't hang out with her new friends here because they are in school. Also, we don't know if she kept in touch with her friends here. She made them at camp this summer and hasn't seen them since the end of July.

Any suggestions. Keep in mind that we live 1400 miles away from her mom and DH just was given the rights to see his daughter during this time.

Thanks in advance
#159
I hope this is a joke. I hope it is some troll coming here for a good laugh when it comes to this Innocentprincess person.

It is revolting to hear how she justifies what can be easily seen as wrong. Not only will she twist the facts around what she wants but she lied. I was trying to be a kind ear. She claimed a typo caused her to say that she was going to allow her baby's daddy to see their daughter once a month, when she truely ment once a week. Later, she says it was her intention to allow BF only one week per month. HUMMMM...LIAR!

Another thing that gets under my skin are these BM (I know there are BF too) that are on assistance and live in government housing and don't give a rats butt about getting themselves and their children out of that mess by pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. The think they are OWED something. Maybe a Knight in Shining Armor will save them. Maybe the goverment will provide them with better, but they are OWED to be taken care of and have no responsibilty to try to provide better for themselves and their children.

This one is so thrilled and acts like she should get a pat on the back for sacking a man who will get them out of assistance. Now she is planning not to pay as most everyone else has to, for an attorney by going through JAG? First of all JAG handles military matters (court matials etc) and are not for use in personal matters. It is still nice that she feels justified in spending other people's money for something she should be responsible for. This goes for her claim of her being able to use the military to get flights for visitation. That is a load too. Look at the link I posted on the other thread. You have to go to the airport and basically go on standby to see if you might be able to get on a plane that day. You may get a regular plane, you may get a cargo plane, its a toss up. Then the flight back is the same way. You have to show up and hope you can get on a flight back.

I am a feminist. I believe in empowering women to take control over their own lives. Women like this who are waiting for a "daddy" , whether it is a new husband or Uncle Sam (or in her case, both) really get my goat.

I hope this was all a joke

Ref
#160
These boards are so seasonal. It seems every Xmas and every summer the posts fly around here with similar really screwed-up issues.

Anyway, DH just spoke w/ SD about the summer. She seems excited about coming but she dropped a bomb on him. BM apparently told her to once again "fight her own battles" with DH.

For those of you not following the story, DH has weekend visitation whenever he wants it. He simply has to give 5 days notice and pay for a hotel, airfare, car rental, and 3 meals a day. He also usually has to miss work for at least a half day. The only other restriction is that it has to be in BM's town. BM gets the same rights and responsibilites that DH has for visitation. She sent him a letter saying that she was flying SD back to FL for 4th of July weekend because she has her for the 4th. DH said that she can see SD but it should be in PA. SD has all sorts of drama from BM when she has to fly here and he would prefer to not put that on SD.

Well drama has NOT been averted. BM obviously told SD to tell DH to write a letter promising to let her fly back to Fl for the weekend. She has banded together w/ SD about how DH is interfering in her (SD's) life and not respecting the fact that she might want to hang out with friends.
SD is upset. She told DH these things. Ofcourse she thinks that it is all her idea and mom has NOTHING to do with it. She also mentioned that her mom gave her the parenting agreement and told her to discuss it with DH. Is that F'ed up or what? He just got done telling BM to stop putting SD in the middle. AAAARRGH.

What should DH do? Should he discuss the parenting agreement with SD now that she has already seen all the legals? He told her that she should not be put in the middle and that it was wrong to put children in the middle of parental decisions. It was too much pressure. She has hear all of this before.

I need advice. I am upset for my SD. She is being torn all to pieces.
#161
BM(custodial) moved to Fla 11 years ago and took SD with her. DH has fought tooth and nail to get visitation. BM denied and put restrictions on his visitation until he was forced to take her to mediation. Last year they settled on a visitation agreement. This is what is says:

"The PRP shall have the same weekday and weekend visitation, as well as communication rights, during the summer as the SRP has during the year"

This was the year for DH to have MLK, Jr day. When he flew down to see his daughter his ex gave him a ration of poop about how it was simply for MLK DAY not the whole weekend and the parenting agreement requires that he give her 5 days notice of all weekend visitation that he will exercise.  She let him have her, but it was after he had to admit that he was wrong about a half a zillion times.

It also states in the parenting agreement that DH must take all weekend visitation in her city in Florida.

BM has July 4th this year. Mind you, just the day of July 4th. SD is with us for the summer. She expects to fly her back to Florida for the weekend (apparently Thursday thru Tuesday is a weekend to her).

My question is, she has to play the rules the same way DH has to. Does that mean that she must have her weekend visitation in our city in PA?

She is claiming that DH has to pay for half of all the travel costs as well based on the fact that his CS was lowered for the vistation costs due to her moving away.

This lady is nuts and it really concerns DH that she will not send SD back by convincing her to protest. She tried this move for their Labor day visitation. She (BM) admited that she (BM) and SD were crying all the way to the terminal at the airport because of DH enforcing his visitation.

She even said that they had to stop several times to try to complise themselves and go on. Funny thing. SD had no issues once she was away from psyco.

This is why DH is worried about visitation being back in Fla.
#162
The flight between BM & our home is 4 hours. We have always been the ones to travel when it is a short amount of parenting time such as  a 3 day weekend.

Now DH will be able to see SD  on more 3 day weekends(parenting agreement was just modified). She is also 13 years old.

Do you guys think it is ok to have her fly such a long distance for such a short  visitation?
#163
Mediation agreement states DH may contact SD between 8:30am and 8:30pm. DH is also supposed to get a response from messages "promptly" from either the child or mother.

Problem: BM is shutting the phone ringer and answering machine off. SD has been back at her mom's for over a week and DH only spoke with her for 5 minutes. He has left messages(2) when possible and told BM to have SD call him back directly.

How is something like this documented? It looks like a he said she said thing.

Has anyone used the parenting tracker or a manual method of recording and gotten a contempt charge?

Thanks folks
#164
Visitation Issues / Letter not picked up
Jul 13, 2004, 01:15:14 PM
I have a quick question. DH's agreement states that he must let BM know where SD is if she is not staying at our house for over 24 hours. This applies to BM too. Anyway, he sent his notice overnight and she did not answer the door for the UPS guy, thus she never recieved the notice.  Is DH ok because it was at her house by the time we left to go out of town, or does she actually have to have the letter in her hands?
#165
Visitation Issues / 800 number being used by BM
Jun 25, 2004, 09:13:28 AM
Hey everyone!

This is probably a common sense type question, but I thought I would put this out for advice.

DH got an 800 # for SD to call him long distance YEARS ago. He just went through mod of visitation and has SD over 3 times more. Now we think BM is using the 800# to talk to SD while on our visitation time. She is calling every day. She also admited to handing it out to SD's friends so they can call. She couldn't even remember who she gave it out to. DH told her it was inappropriate for her to give # out to friends but said nothing directly about her using it.

I called the phone company to see if they can suspend our 800# for the time Sd is with us. Nope. I asked if we can block certain numbers. Nope. I asked if we can see who calls. There is a 5 day delay in the records.

It is not the money (although it could add up). It is the principal. She pays none of the costs of us calling her home or Sd calling ours. She pays none of the cost to fly Sd here but she was the one who moved.

Any advice?

Thanks
#166
Thank all of you for your help. Dh and I went to mediation and got pretty much EVERYTHING that we asked for. Instead of the 2 weeks a summer and 1 week in the winter that PB KINDLY doled out, DH has the whole summer less 3 weeks, half of xmas break and every other holiday. Before he was required to give 30 days notice, now it is 7 for any unscheduled weekend. Before he had no right of first refusal, now he has it.

I decided to wait at the hotel for DH in hopes that maybe PBFH would be a bit cooler. I guess it kind of worked. She showed up looking haggard and being hostile. She referred to Dh lawyer by his last name only. She was arguing over Sd coming this summer for 2 days over half of her vacation. Dh pointed out the the mediator that those 2 days that she was trying to deny him were Father's day weekend. Man, I wish I was a fly on the wall! PB stated that they were threatening her and they were ganging up on her. Huh! Funny how it never dawned on her that everything she was saying was condemning. She stepped out of the room to go to the bathroom and the mediator put his hand on his head and let out a huge sigh. Love HIM!

She was given the visitation changes and she looked like she wasn't gunna budge, but then someone mentioned to her that the contempts would be dropped and she would not have to pay for legal fees. $$$. She jumped on that. She signed away.

She told DH that he was not allowed to see SD although he was flying across the country to be in her area for this because she was angry with him. DH's lawyer said in mediation" I guess you aren't going to see your daughter this weekend" The mediator's head snapped. PB said that she guessed it was ok. Unfortuately we only booked a stay for Friday night and had a flight back on Saturday. SD pleaded with Dh to stay the rest of the weekend. It would have been too expensive to stay, so we said "see you in a couple of weeks" and that was that.


Wally, I wanted you attention because I know your case is in Pensacola and I thought you might want to know the name of Dh's attorney and mediator. A bit pricy, but it seems as though a good attorney may be cheaper in the long run.

Thanks again for all of your support and advice. This page is really priceless.
#167
Visitation Issues / What is right?
May 07, 2004, 10:21:31 AM
Sd is 13 and lives across the country from us with PBFH. DH is going to their area because they have a mediation date set. Legally he has no right to see his daughter during that time. PB did let him know that it was fine in an earlier conversation. Now she is mad and going back on her word. I know, he is screwed.

A few months back DH went to that state on business for 1 day but it was a 7 hour drive from the work location to PB's home. SD found out and was hurt that he didn't see her.

Should he tell her that he will be in her town? When she asks if he could see her, what should he say? She loves it when we visit her town and will be upset if we don't see her.

Thanks guys for any advice. I just don't know why this is a struggle.
#168
Visitation Issues / Is anyone from Florida?
Apr 28, 2004, 08:58:24 AM
 I asked Soc, but the question was too state specific.

Dh is going for a change in visitation. They will be in mediation in a couple of weeks. For this, as far as I understand, he will need to file a financial affidavit.

Does he have to fill out all of the Asset stuff and expenses? I understand that he needs to fill out the income section so they can determine who pays what. They have been divorced to 10 years now and obviously, have nothing to split.

Thanks Floridians!

(PS the state boards stink, that is why I posted here)
#169
Visitation Issues / Asking a 13 year old
Apr 16, 2004, 09:32:11 AM
DH just spoke w/ PBFH. She turned away a letter for his 30 days notice that he is required to proved for visitation. She called him today asking him what he wanted for visitation. He told her and she said that she would discuss it with SD and if she wants to come, she will be ok with it!!! Arrrrrghhhh. We went through this drama last year! He told her that that was not the right thing to do, but how is going to stop her?

She makes me sick!
#170
Custody Issues / You must see this movie!!!
Feb 16, 2006, 09:14:38 AM
It is called Squid and the Whale. I just saw it last night. There is a good amount of adult content so it wouldn't be something to show the kids.

It is about a family going through divorce with all the manipulation and BS that the kids have to go through. I couldn't believe how right-on they were with the language of divorcing parents.

I found it at my local artsy theater not at a big name place. If you can, see it or rent it when it comes out (and no kids are around).

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0367089/

Ref
#171
Father's Issues / Sorry to whoever emailed me
Jan 22, 2008, 10:47:02 AM
I don't want to email back because my email is pretty close to my name and I would like to keep my DH's lovey ex from knowing that I'm Ref.

Anyway, to answer your question, the IRC 6501 (Internal Revenue Code) states, in a nutshell, that the IRS generally has the later of 3 years from the date the return was filed or due to examine.

There are exceptions, like if there is fraud, then they don't have a limit or if you agree to extending the date, but in your case, I would have to say you can go by the general guidelines.

Ref
#172
Father's Issues / To Alec
Apr 20, 2007, 10:11:30 AM
I know what you said was wrong and hurtful. I know it was out of extreme pain and frustration. I am sooo sorry that you have to put up with all of this in the public eye.

I think you did wrong by leaving that message. Kim did only a little better by not deleting it immediately and allowing it to be public. If she took the high road, sure she couldn't punish you, but she could have saved your daughter pain. I guess she picked the one that made her feel better.

I have some advice for you.

1. Kim is making you look like the person she is accusing you of being. You probably are a great caring guy, but she will take whatever you do and twist it around until you are abusive and uncaring. Watch your step! The best way to fight this is not to let your daughter see anything BUT the opposite of what Kim is accusing you of. That way Kim will have nothing to point to to prove herself right.

2. Never ever record you scolding your daughter. I guess you probably learned this lesson right now. Leave her a message saying that you will talk later or just don't leave a message. Even if you just yelled at her calling her ungrateful, I am sure Kim will use it as leverage.

3. I am sorry to say it, but being a Long distance noncustodial, you have lost. You just need to spend as much time as possible showing her the real you and avoiding fights. There will be a time where she isn't going to talk to you and you will have to figure out how to be ok with that. Accept the fact that she will be a mini Kim until she gets old enough to realize what a wreck Kim is.

4. Get some support. This is really tough. tweens and teens being PASed is awful becuase you know that this is the adult they are being shaped into. They start quoting the horrible stuff the ex says and you want to yell at them the same as you would the ex. You have to remember that they are not understanding any of this yet.

5. I think the best thing to do is tell the child that they are not old enough to understand what is going on and you are sorry they are hurt, but you still expect their respect.


Good Luck
Ref



#173
Hey folks!

It has been a long time since I posted, so here is some background. DH and I live in PA. SD and BM live in Fl. DH just went to court w/BM to get more visitation because the "reasonable" language left visitation all but reasonable. Now DH has more time w/ SD legally so BM is pulling crap to make every time she is with us a ball of drama. Sd is 14 and already drawn into drama naturally, this just feeds on that.

This past summer (1 month after court), SD started acting strange talking about the case and saying things that just didn't make sense about coming here.

Labor day, Dh couldn't afford to fly down there so he had her fly up. She battled with that for weeks prior telling him she would run away etc. When BM took her to the airport to fly up, BM said that BOTH were crying all the way to the gate. When SD got here she told of a kid who was seeing his dad that she sat next to. She got bumped to first class. She later said she was overreacting because she wanted to go to a friends party.

Now Xmas is coming up. She seems ok when we talk to her, but she sent us a link to her online journal. In the journal she seems upset about coming up. She talked to DH's mom (Gma) and tried to convince her to convince DH not to have her for the whole summer (all but 3 weeks).

It is understandable that she wants to spend time with her friends, but does anyone have any suggestions on how to deprogram her from her mom's influence over these matters?

DH already talked to her Labor day about it and she seemed to understand and seemed ok after the conversation.  Should her talk with her again? What should he say? What can he say so that it is not made worse? Should her confront BM about this stuff?Should I talk with her about it?

She also has hinted that she will not come to see us after she is 16. I told her that she could have my car after she is 16. The only criteria is that she is responsible enough at that point and that she pay the insurance. I think that I will not give her my car if she is not responsible enough to respect her father. What do you think?

Thanks so much everyone
#174
Father's Issues / No info on Shrink OR school
Sep 13, 2004, 02:33:19 PM
Dh just got done with mediation w/ BM. The new agreement gives BM the responsibility to confer with Dh about all matters such as switching schools, drs visits etc. SD just told Dh that she was seeing a therapist. BM never told him. She has never given him info on the school or anything.

When is the time to file contempt. She is constantly shutting DH out of SD's life. I am so worried that the therapist is a friend of BM's (she is going to school for therapy) and will be used against DH in court.

Should we file for contempt now?
#175
DH's ex is talking to SD about court issues. SD ofcourse is now thinking DH is the devil because he is upsetting her mom. Now she doesn't want to talk to him. BM also starts screaming at DH on the phone when SD is in the apartment. She says wacky things like " SD is a wonderful person!" and "stop abusing me!" These are completely out of context and obviously for the benefit of SD. Now SD thinks BM is standing up for her and getting abused by DH.

What can DH do to stop this. He already told her that it is unheathy to yell with SD in the house. She told him not to tell her what to do. He also told her it was illegal to tell SD about the case. She doesn't care. SD actually spoke with DH and told him that she was mad at him because he was suing her mom and went into some detail about the case and quoted lies BM had told her.

What can we do????
#176
Father's Issues / On CNN
Jul 09, 2004, 10:22:59 AM
http://www.cnn.com/2004/LAW/07/08/gag.order.ap/index.html