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We finally got the invitation to SD's graduation. I am so excited for her and honestly for us as well.

Dh has been waiting to get the invitation to tell her that we are going to have a baby. That call should be tonight. I am pretty nervous. If I know her and her mom well enough, SD will be happy but once she tells her mom and hears her poison about it, she will turn around and be pissed. We will see though. I've been wrong once or twice in my life before.

Dh's going to help SD get a used car for her graduation present. Hopefully that financial incentive will keep things from getting too hostile.

Wish us luck!

Ref

You can still have visitation and he can still have sole custody. It should be stated who has legal custody of your child on the custody papers. Take a look and see if it mentions who has custody or if it says that you have joint custody.

If he has sole custody, you can still fight because you have visitation rights. If he moves, you will not be able to exercise the visitation. It will make it a little harder.

Take care,
Ref

I don't think there is anything wrong with starting out asking for her to pay for supervised visitation and drug tests. Be ready for the judge to order you to split the bill, though.

As far as the phone goes, I don't think it would be bad to have a schedule for her to call your home and allow your SS to call her whenever he wants. The problem is, that doesn't mean that she HAS to call your SS. It only states when she is limited to calling. The only thing you can do is give your SS the tools to handle the disappoitment. I would try to keep from making a big deal when she doesn't call and if he gets upset, I would let him know that sometimes people that love you very much can disappoint you, but it doesn't mean that they love you any less.

I really hope it doesn't come to all this for you, but if it does, try not to worry too much. You guys will be fine.

Best wishes,
Ref

I would get all legal docs showing the supervised visitation with drug testing, your child's school records (to show how long he has been enrolled), any docs showing the loss of custody including letters or emails from her mentioning it. I would look up her public record and see if there have been any drug arrests/loss of license and put that in your pack, any documentation regarding her run ins with CPS. If it relates to your SS, you DF should be able to get it directly from CPS.

I would leave out the issues with the men. That wouldn't matter if she was a good mom. (Bad choices, but not enought to take the kid away).

You will have to respond to her filing and I would bring up her lack of visitation and drug testing, her losing her other children and having SS taken away and her lack of a drivers license and car (so long as you know that for sure). This will give you a better idea of what she is fighting for.

You could also counter sue for CS if you really wanted. If you are going back to court for visitation/custody anyway, I don't see why this isn't a valid time to try to get an increase in support. There is no way a man would get 0 child support. Even if it is $10/month, it is still something to go towards your SS. I would say you could get minimum wage imputed.

Anyway, good luck. I don't think this would be so hard to fight, but I understand your stress.

Ref

I really feel for you. It is really tough being a SM. Maybe you need to sit down with SD and your BF and have a discussion that the rules in the house our made by BOTH adults and it is both your jobs to make sure everyone follows them. You are certainly in your right to tell her that her mom has rules in her house and how she chooses to enforce them is up to her, in your house the rules are up to you and your boyfriend and not anyone else.

About your SD loving you and being close at 9, my SD was really close to me. She used to chose to sit on my side of the booth at restaurants, hold my hand and sit on my lap more than her dad until she turned about 11. I think hormones kick in and all those years of BS than her mom fed her really sunk in. After that, she acted like I wasn't important to her and wouldn't even talk to me anymore. She acted like I killed her dog. She is 18 now and for the past about 7 years I have become less of a family member to her and more as a background character. She is usually not overtly rude to me (but has been), but I can tell the closeness has ended. Don't take for granted that she will be close to in the next 2-3 years because she is now. I don't mean to scare you, but I thought the same thing and my heart has been sick over the change in our relationship.

Good luck with everything
Ref

Salary.com is a good page.

Ref

I would say that you should get the proof that you have and file for termination of child support based on the fact that he is on his own and working. The only thing is, it will take a while to go through the court system. If it was anything like DH getting his CS reduced, it could take 6 months to a year.

Anyone else had this issue?

Maybe you should get a free consult with a family law attorney and see what they say.

Take care,
Ref

It would be silly for him to claim that you are so unstable to care for your children yet he left them there with you when he moved. My advice is to gather all the evidence of DV (police reports etc) and get your financial info together. (If he left a paystub there or better yet a tax return, make copies). Then I would go and file for divorce and child support.

I hope you have family and friends to help you through this.

Take care,
Ref

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. It must be heartbreaking! My advice is to get a lawyer that specializes in custody and family law.

How long did your son live with you and go to school where you live? Does it say anything about parents moving on your custody/visitation agreement?

I wish I give you better advice, but this is something you are going to get a lawyer involved in. There is too much at stake.

Good luck
Ref

Thanks 4 honor! I am so excited about both the baby and my SD's graduation. I was nervous that she wouldn't be able to do it, but with a little $ incentive, she has been going to school and getting good grades. I have to say that bribing, I mean incentivizing her was the best idea I have ever had! (hehe)

Shaden3, I appreciate your advice, but it makes me giggle a little. DH and I have been together for 15 years and dealing with an ex that is seriously ,and I'm not exaggerating, out of her mind. We have shielded SD from what we could all this time, but it is next to impossible when she lives with such a hatefilled and vindictive mother. It is a lesson learned with over a decade of being beaten to hell by BM. We have had to deal with that fact that SD will be emotionally beaten-up by her mom any time her mom hears anything she doesn't like about our lives. It is out of our hands.

I love SPARC and can't tell you how much this board has helped us with this struggle. I think I initially came to this site back in 1999 or 2000, under a different name. I remember counting down to SD's 18th birthday back then and it being in the thousands. I have to say for something that seemed so terribly slow, sometimes it seems so fast.

Thank you all for everything. I will be back, but hopefully just to give insight.

BTW, we haven't told SD yet. We were waiting until some of the tests came back. They did, so the news is imminent. SCARY!

Ref