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OK, this is a little thing, but it's nice to write it out and tell someone.  I've been worried about what my SDs will think when their dad is unable to do supervised visits over the next few weeks.  (Can't wait for Friday the 13th of August! when the summer term ends.)  With school 9 am-9 pm Monday-Thursday and work the rest of the time, he cannot take the 4 hours of driving time for a 2-hour supervised visit every week.  So far, he has just not mentioned visits to BM, and she certainly isn't pushing the issue.

But, things have worked out well so far.  I stopped by BM's on YSD's birthday last week, since we were in her town for other purposes.   I think she was shocked to see me, but was very nice and polite.  She even gave me info about the state softball tournament YSD was playing in.  YSD will be gone for a whole week, so no supervised visits during that time, and Dad is not to blame.  Plus, the tournament is just an hour south of where we live, so my husband was able to go see both her games this weekend.  Sports are huge for my husband, and he was just thrilled to finally be able to cheer on one of his children! (I went down with him to yesterdays game with our children--100+ temperatures, YSDs team lost, but it was still a great day.)

My husband had his first "supervised" visit.  I would first like to state that it was, as everything else, a joke.  My husband's ex-MIL is the supervisor, and BM was adamant that they all stay at ex-MIL's house during the entire visit.  Well, ex-MIL and her husband #6 (or #7--not sure) came out when we first showed up, said that they were doing some remodeling and so they thought my husband and SDs could visit in the front yard.  That was the only time we saw ex-MIL the entire time--some supervision, huh?

Anyway, I was aggravated with my husband because he did not even ask BM to meet somewhere else.  I do not like ex-MIL anymore than I like her daughter, and I was NOT going to chase my children around her house.  Originally I was going to stay home, but we see my husband so little these days that I wanted to have at least the 4 hours with him in the car, so Plan B was to drop him off and take our two children to a nearby park.  Well, my son was so excited to see his sisters, and he chose them over the park.  But, I didn't get out of the car. (I used the excuse that I had a headache--which was true.)

I am so frustrated and completely powerless in this situation.  I am still angry with my SDs for the lies they told about their father and me.  I am annoyed that my husband won't listen to a word I have to say about the situation, but he wants to drag me along to all the counseling appointments, etc.  I have gone almost every time that he has asked me, the exception being if I had a conflicting appointment.  But I just couldn't do it this time and act happy.  **I** was not ordered to have supervised visits.  My husband HAS to do it to get regular visitation.  And when that starts again, I will be happy, supportive SM in my own home.....

My husband's ex has a cycle, which he explained to me when we were dating and I have seen in full in the four years we have been married.  She will be thoroughly cooperative for a while--letting him have extra time, etc. etc.  Even friendly to the point of coming to our house to seek advice from my husband.  THEN she completely flip-flops and we end up in court--or trying to avoid court.

Well, my husband is not much into the details of parenting plans, etc.  And I will admit that he is willing to push various issues.  Most the time he can read his ex pretty well, so he knows how far to push.  (Of course when she flips to the dark side of her cycle, there is nothing anyone can do, really.)  Anyway, there have been occasions when he has been "in contempt."

In recent pondering, I realized that BM never used any of the instances that my husband was actually and truly in contempt when she filed papers.  She relied completely on falsehoods--not even mixing in the true with the false.  I just think it is odd.  We know she would get nowhere with just the little things my husband is actually in contempt over, but if she's going to lie anyway, why not include all the other stuff??

The ignorance of that woman is mind-numbing to me....  Even more mind-numbing is that she still gets away with whatever she wants--in and out of the courtroom.

My husband called BM yesterday--actually had a good conversation with her--and she told him not to let her husband know about it.  SF doesn't know that BM has been speaking to my husband (only 3-4 phone calls in the past 2 years.)  So, essentially, my husband is not allowed to parent his children because SF is incapable of dealing with it.  What can you do about that?

Since I have known my husband, especially the past 2 years, BM has refused to speak with my husband regarding important issues because my husband was "manipulative."  That is what the counselors and judge heard many times, when in fact SF is the problem.  Essentially, all of the things "they" have been saying about my husband could pretty easily applied to SF.  

A little more about SF--I have never met him officially--every thing I know of him is "hearsay."  The first time I saw him was in court in October 2002--I have known my husband/SDs/BM since October 1999.  My SDs say he sits around and plays video games all day.  In the past, they have told us stories about him hitting their mom.  He has also hit the girls in the past (before I came on the seen), but my husband very diplomatically took care of that--it's a lovely story for another time.  And he has been "Dad" to my SDs......

My husband has his last joint counseling session with his daughters yesterday.  He came out with the ever-present sense of frustration, but also relief that we are able to check off one more thing on the list to getting things back to "normal."

So after 5 months of counseling, in the last session it comes out that "punishment" at Dad's house is far less to be feared than at Mom's house, and that old stepdad has a bit of a temper.  But does anybody care?!?  As my husband said, the counselor will go home and put a little check by our family as being "fixed," satisfied in her work.  She mentioned to my husband how proud she was that he had changed his behavior and was communicating better, etc. etc.  Very funny--he has said every single time that he did nothing wrong and would not apologize and would not change (at least no more than the average parent changes as they become more experienced as a parent.)

Everybody is sick of this mess--including BM.  She actually told my husband that they need to be careful that it "doesn't get this far" in the future--as is my husband had any control over it.  SDs no longer have all the attention from BM and counselors and police, etc. etc. so they are tired of it too.  When it comes right down to it, life at our house is pretty good--despite chores, and discipline, and a student budget....

So the counselor thinks supervised visits will only last a few weeks, then back to the EOW thing.  That means I have to get over my frustrations.  My SDs have an almost-two year old sister who is afraid of them, and it is really their own fault.  By the time they are back in our home on a regular basis, they will have had 2 years of their mother's parenting that we have to deal with, since it is very different from the way my husband and I have chosen to parent.  It was hard enough when we saw them EOW....  

My husband walked out of his counseling appointment with his daughters absolutely furious.  Normally, we hang out for a while and let my SDs play with their brother and sister.  Not this time--he was out the door, didn't even say "goodbye" to the girls.  We barely had time to give them Easter stuff (we had it all ready BEFORE Easter, but SDs didn't show last week.)

Last time it was OSD absolutely insistent that "Daddy is a liar."  This time it was YSD--speaking to her father like no child should ever be allowed to speak--he's a liar, he wants to hurt them, he waited until I left to beat them (a few weeks ago, they both admitted there was just one "incident"--ever--in 11 years.)  Both just want him to be "consistent" and a "good dad."  I'm sorry, but isn't driving two hours one way to see your children for one hour every single week being a good dad?  Isn't skipping work, class, family activities just to make that drive being a good dad?  Isn't driving 16 hours every other weekend for visitation being a good dad?  My husband is an amazing father.  I considered myself lucky to marry a man with two children because I saw what type of father he would be to our children, and I loved what I saw!

As for the consistency thing, he simply told them that he was there last week, "Where were you?"  Every week that an appointment has been missed, it was because SDs or their grandma had something else.  We asked if someone else could pick up SDs, but BM refused citing the court order. (I'm sorry--she must have a different copy, because the copy we have says absolutely nothing about transportation and does not mention grandma's name.)  After that big mess and BM's absolute insistence that her mom bring the girls, their step-grandfather brought them to this appointment.  (I think he's ex-MIL's 6th or 7th husband--that a good stable family....)

Oh, and they want their dad to "take responsibility" for the "abuse."  Interesting how just last week the counselor spoke with BM and told her my husband was not going to take responsibility for any abuse.  The counselor further informed BM that she--counselor--did not believe that there was any abuse that had occurred and that the focus of the joint counseling would be simply to restore trust, and BM needed to cooperate.  BM flipped out and said she would accept nothing less than my husband admitting guilt.

My husband walked out the door and within 5 minutes had convinced himself not to go back.  They are old enough and smart enough to know better.  He will never turn his back on them--although for the first time he said that is what he felt like doing.  He just wants to leave things up to them.  It is too stressful for him and our family to deal with this every week.  Our 3-year old was so confused and worried the whole way home--so now he is being impacted by BMs/SDs actions too.  It is never going to change--the counselor said there was nothing she could do.  BM is NOT going to change.  The courts will NOT help.  Those girls are going to be so messed up.  Even at age 6, YSD was a "wild child" (BM's words) and could not be controlled by anyone except her Dad.  Three years ago, BM was sitting on MY couch crying because YSD was destroying her marriage.  Now BM has trained both of her daughters to lie, to talk back, to be completely disrespectful with no consequences.  Doesn't she get it?  Everyone--the girls, my husband, our family, BM, her family--are all suffering and will continue to suffer.

I don't know if my husband will follow through.  I am not a good advisor for him either--it aggravates me to no end to see what SDs are doing to my sweetheart.  In the past 18 months we have tried to place all the blame on BM, but it gets harder and harder every time my husband has to listen to his daughters spout off to him because they know they can.  I almost think that if he did finally say, "OK--it's up to you.  Let me know when you want a relationship," my SDs would shape up.

Grrrrrrrrr.......

My husband's counselor--for joint counseling with his daughters--called while we were out the other night and wants to talk to him.  They left their last session on very poor terms, and I am anxious to hear what she wants.  She told my husband that a "different forum" might be better for him, which I kind of hope means we don't have to see her anymore.

We went to this counselor, chosen by BM, just to get things going, and hopefully avoid court. We went with very low expectations.  She has met all of them.  Counselor is now suggesting that he needs 2 more months of counseling sessions before supervised visits start.  She wants so badly for my husband to admit guilt and remorse.  What a joke!!  

Even if my husband actually did what SDs and BM accused him of, they have all admitted that one incidence is the only one in over 11 years since OSD was born.  And somehow that makes him a terrible abuser.  Grrrr....  My husband was so upset about it he couldn't tell me what happened until the next day........

We were headed to my SDs hometown yesterday for a family thing and decided to stop by their church.  (Side note: BM does not take SDs to church, her mother does, for now.)  OSD was giving a little talk in the children's meeting and since we were "in the neighborhood" we thought we would stop by.  Guess who didn't show up....  Grrrrr....  Why would you purposefully prevent your children from doing good things--church, sports, etc.--just because Dad wants to be there to support them?

My husband spoke to his daughters in person for the first time in 18 months.  The joint counseling started last night.  I was not involved in the sessions, but our children and I made the two-hour drive with my husband to support him and to see the girls.

Everyone was so excited!  It was like they didn't even skip a beat--Dad was goofing around, my SDs were laughing and hugging and TALKING non-stop.  According to my husband, the counselor was getting more and more annoyed because no one wanted to play her "games."  They just wanted to talk with each other.  Counselor kept asking YSD if she had any concerns, the response: "I'm hungry."  OSD's concern was that she didn't want to have to wait too long to see her dad again.

According to what the counselor told my husband last week, the joint counseling is supposed to be a transition into supervised visits.  Hopefully, counselor can see past her degree on the wall and realize she is not needed.  She indicated it would be just a few sessions.  BM's mom was the one who took SDs to the counseling session, and will likely be doing supervised visits, and she seemed pretty anxious to get things moving.

We are pretty peeved at the counseling center, and view them as responsible for at least the past 15 months of missed time with my SDs. (Counselor intern the girls saw originally testified in court that absolutely my husband was abusing them, and there was no way SDs were lying about it.  We later received copies of their records indicating that OSD admitted to lying, but didn't want BM to get in trouble.)  I was so proud of my husband when he told the counselor straight out that he thinks they screwed up.  At first he was just going to go along, say what they want to hear.  We are both relieved that he decided to stick with the plain old truth.  She was doing the whole counselor thing asking "What do you want out of the counseling?" And he said "I want my kids back."  She didn't like it when he told her we were jumping through the hoops and she was just one of the hoops.

Anyway, it was just refreshing to see my SDs and to KNOW that they are not scared of Dad like everyone has been saying.  Our 3-year old was excited to see his sisters--kept trying to pull them into our car instead of their grandma's.  It was harder with my 18-month old; she last saw her sisters when she was 3 days old, and she is a shy one around strangers.  She'll warm up quickly enough.  It was just soooo good to see them!!!

I have just been pondering the past couple weeks how much the past couple years have changed my perspective in regards to single moms, visitation, child support, etc.  I used to be the type of person that took you at your word and never really considered that it may not be truth.  Now I have a pretty good picture of what my husband's ex is painting and KNOW that it is wrong--so I always question what other BMs say, as well as NCPs.

I have recently made friends with a single mom whose daughter is my son's age.  She off-handedly mentioned the other day that she lives off of her child support, and it really bothers me.  In her defense, she has basically no bills of her own because she lives with an aunt, AND her daughter is well-cared for, but not extravagantly so.  And I have no idea what kind of contact--if any--the dad has with his beautiful little girl (she is a real sweetheart!)

I have another acquaintance who is a stepmom, and who happened to mention that they were "stopping by" to see her SS on the way to her family's house for Christmas.  It is "too expensive" for them to visit him EOW as in the parenting plan.  Her SS does live a few hours away, but again, it just bothers me.  I am very proud of the fact that while we lived 4 hours away (one-way) from my SDs we missed only 3 weekends in one year (then BM decided to stop allowing us visitation.)

And over and over again, I see other stepmoms, how they deal with things--some I agree with, some not.   I associate with CP moms and just wonder what they do to damage (or support) the relationship between father and child.  I absolutely scrutinize anything I hear on the news, or even fictional stories or shows, with any mention of divorced parents or an absent father.  It is a whole new world that has opened up to me in the past 4 years.  I think I am grateful for the new awareness....

Some of you may know that how we want to deal with "the situation" changes about every 5 minutes.  We decided to write one more letter to BM and her attorney, to request--again--that joint counseling start as ordered by the court.

We got an immediate response--joint counseling will begin when my husband contacts the counseling center.  First little annoyance, the attorney said that my SDs "availability" has been made know to the counseling center--like it's this huge scary thing to tell my husband straight out when they can be there.  Second little annoyance, the attorney made it sound as if we are required to use this particulart counseling center.  (Not so--the judge suggested that my SDs original intern counselor be used for joint counseling, if she is available.  Well, she left the counseling center in May and they have no record of where she went.  Fine with us, she was clueless!)  Just a little thing, it would be far more hassle than it is worth to find a different counselor and then fight BM about it.  I'm just so annoyed with BM and her attorney making up their own rules and getting away with it.

I know I've read posts about this before, but it is a new situation to us, so I want to ask again.  What, if anything, can you do if the children say they don't want to come and CP does not want to enforce the parenting plan by making them come? (BM doesn't care that the parenting plan she agreed to and signed 2 months ago specifically states that SDs cannot decide if they want to come to our house.)

My SDs are 11 and 12 years old.  We had no visitation for 2 years because of false allegations of abuse.  Finally, after all kinds of counseling and supervised visits, we had 2 months of the regular EOW visitation.  Then completely out of the blue, SDs called to say they didn't want to come down for the weekend, then they decided not to come down for Christmas.  We have not heard from them at all since the Monday before Christmas--they didn't return my husband's calls on OSD's birthday, didn't call on Christmas or New Year's.  My MIL has been seriously ill in the hospital (same town as SDs) for 2 months and they have not once gone to see her.  It's as if they have just tossed ourt family aside like garbage.  (How do you explain that to their 4-year old brother?)

SDs are too old to just pick up and bring them to our home, especially with BM wanting to "validate" their feelings (apparently she heard *something* the counselor said, not much else.)  My husband has put the responsibility on their shoulders.  He told them they must call him when they are ready to continue a relationship with him.  My husband is very good at putting issues aside and moving on with his life, but this is one area that he cannot do that in and doesn't want to.  Is there anything else to do?



(Conveniently, the weekend that SDs first chose not to come was the same weekend we recieved notice that my husband's CS was dropping nearly $200/month, based on the increased time at our house....  We are still waiting to hear if BM will appeal the decrease.  She told my husband once that she doesn't care how much he pays, just so long as he pays something, but she sure fights whenever the ordered amount has decreased.)

When I last posted a few weeks ago, my SDs had just told Dad that they didn't want to come for the weekend because I was mean to them--but they wanted to come down for Christmas (like things would magically be better....)  My husband talked to them the night they were supposed to come, calmed things down a bit--he's really good at that--and told them to call that night if they wanted him to pick them up Saturday morning, if not we would see them for Christmas break.  He had told them the night before that these "games" were not OK and they had to come every time or not at all--no more back and forth because it was really hurting our family.  When my husband spoke to SDs that Thursday, he had trouble discussing the issue with SDs because stepdad kept hanging the phone up.  But Friday night he was very clear, and I heard him say, "We'll see you at Christmas."

That Friday night was the last we heard from them.  They no longer answer the phone or return messages, and the email account that had been set up specifically for SDs to communicate with my husband has now been cancelled.  (Same thing happened two years ago.)  Finally, after calling almost every day this week, my husband called BMs mom and got something....  Apparently they (BM and/or SDs) have been telling everyone that we told them they could not come down for Christmas.  SDs were spending the night at a friend's house at the time we were supposed to pick them up (glad we didn't drive the 200+ miles to go get them.)  And still, no response from SDs or BM.

The problem is that we can't do anything.  My husband refuses to go to court because it is too expensive to just have the judge say "Follow the court order" and have BM not follow it anyway.  SDs are old enough that my husband really can't drive up there and force them to come--especially with BM telling them they can decide.  But, I have never seen SDs turn away from their dad when he was there in person.....  We don't know how much of this mess is SDs and how much is BM--we do know that they all bear some responsibility.  OSD just entered middle school and is at the age when friends are the ruling force, not family--and, again, BM does not help the situation.

I am just so worried about what this is doing to my husband and to my children.......

Two and a half years ago, SDs accused my husband of abuse because they just didn't like doing the chores at our house.  2 years of no contact with them followed.  Regular visitation started up again in September of this year.  (After months of counseling, where they admitted my husband did not abuse them.)  Now they are saying they don't want to come because I treat them "like crap."

When my husband pushed the issue and asked for examples, they complained because YSD had to clean the toilet without gloves (note: we don't have plastic gloves in the house, never have, not worth the expense--and I was not the one who told her she had to clean the toilet), and OSD complained because she had to make her own sandwich at lunch (age 12) but that I made my children's lunches (ages 2 and 4.)  That's it.  Actually one more thing, OSD had to do the dishes after her brother's birthday party--again, I did not ask her to do it, Dad did, in fact I suggested that she didn't need to because there were only like 6 dirty dishes.  What an evil stepmother!

Of course BM "believes" them, not my husband.  But when my husband tried to reason with her--ie "Imagine SDs were at our house and said they don't like SF (which they have on numerous occasions) and we decided not to send them back...."  BM didn't get it at all.  Rather than suggesting that the girls sit down with my husband and I and discuss their concerns (like a normal family), BM supports them picking and choosing when they get to come to our house and what they get to do here.  We need to "validate" their feelings, etc. etc.  (YSD doesn't want to come this weekend, but thinks by some miracle things will get all better and wants to come down for Christmas--a whole week--how selfish is that?!?)  My husband pointed out that BM signed a legal document just two months ago that specifically states SDs are not allowed to choose whether or not to come for visitation, she does not care.  BM knows she won't be held responsible because she never has.  My husband has said to me he won't pursue anything legally, because nothing ever comes of it.

Those little girls are headed for big trouble, and BM needs to deal with it.  They have their way at home, are completely disrespectful and dishonest to all.  OSD is just plain mean.  We have a very strong suspicion that YSD is ADHD.  SDs know that BM will let them say and do whatever they want, while their dad will not--what child/pre-teen wouldn't pick the lenient parent?  The biggest part of me wants to just drop it all.  Let them stay with BM--my life would be easier for sure, and it's not fair to jerk my children around, sometimes they see their sisters, sometimes not.  But that means when their lives are completely screwed up, they will come crawling back to Dad to have him fix it all for them.  (And it will happen--BM is duplicating her life for her children--when she hit bottom, she ran to Dad and "Stepmonster" until things were all in order, and now has no contact with them at all.  She chooses instead to hang out with--and let SDs stay with--the mom who abandoned her and who is now on her 6th or 7th marriage.)

The worst part is that I sit here and wonder how I got sucked into this big mess.  And knowing that even if I left, the mess would follow me and my children.  There is no escape.

We had our 5th supervised visit with SDs.  BM stipulated 6 and then we'll "look at things."  We ended up having a family get-together with my husband's family, and BM **allowed** SDs to come.  BM's mom is supposed to supervise the visits, so she came along too--after much whining and complaining.  (We told BM and her mom when we set the visit up originally that we would plan on 2:00 pm, so when we called to say "Meet us at 2:00 pm," she wanted a more specific time?!?!)

Anyway, we had a lot of fun.  SDs love being with our family and especially with their dad.  You could just see OSD (11 years old) just craved for that daddy-daughter relationship--he threw her in the pool, she pretended to be all upset, etc. and then asked him to throw her in again....  At the end of the visit, BM's mom mentioned to my husband that it seemed like such a loving atmosphere and that she didn't think they needed to continue the supervised visits.

Grrrrr!!!!  It's aggravating on so many levels--first and foremost the fact that NOTHING has changed!  My husband parents his children exactly the same way as he did two years ago when this all began, and yet somehow BM and her mom have somehow deluded themselves (and SDs) into thinking that he has changed for the better and it is "safe" for them to be with us now.

Then to hear a comment about "loving atmospheres" from a lady who abandoned her own children on multiple occasions, and who was found       and drunk by her teenage daughters on numerous occasions.  Incredible what the family "justice" system has done to my family!

We probably will still have to do the one more supervised visit.  Then we will probably have to wait longer for BM to "write a letter"--she's not the brightest--it took her a couple weeks to write a letter saying we could start supervised visits in the first place.  She's totally cooperative when she speaks to my husband on her own, but if anyone else is around, including me, she plays the victim.  At least we are on the tail-end of this whole big mess.  My husband just wants to get them in our home in time to go to a college football game with him:)  And I have a deep belief that BM (and her mom) will come to know, if nopt in this life then in the life to come, that they really screwed up.......

Background: BM took SDs from our home summer  2002, refused to allow any contact between us and them, and took my husband to court in October 2002 with false accusations of abuse.  We were ill-prepared and just plain unlucky.  Judge ordered 1. anger management for my husband, 2. joint counseling between husband and SDs, 3. supervised visits with the intent that regular parenting time eventually be reestablished.

My husband has completed first 2 requirements--it was like pulling teeth to get BM and her mom (who brought SDs until she got bored with it) to stick to counseling appointments, so that took like 5 months instead of the few weeks it should have.  The counselor told BM point-blank that my husband had done nothing wrong in the "situation;" BM point-blank told counselor that she would not allow things to move on until my husband admitted guilt and apologized.

Anyway, we made it through that circus, and finally my husband had his first "supervised" visit July 9th.  Last Friday, BM's mother, who is the supervisor, went out of town so no visit last week. (And of course, my SDs will be told that somehow this is Dad's fault and he is so inconsistent, when BM did not let us know it was a problem or offer another date/time until that Friday morning.)

The dilemma: My husband is a full-time student, starts law school in August.  Before he can start law school he has to complete 24 more credit hours, and his new summer class schedule starts today.  He has class from 9 am to 8:50 pm Monday-Thursday (with a few short breaks in between some of his classes.)  Fridays and Saturdays are supposed to be devoted to work--so that we can feed our family and pay rent....  (Plus he has people depending on him.)  This schedule goes through August 13th, after that his class schedule is much more open.

So because BM put things off for so long (and continues to), we are in a position now where my husband really cannot afford to drive the two hours up to see his daughters for two hours and then drive two hours back home.  BM originally stipulated 6 supervised visits and then "discuss," but at this rate we won't get through those until like December!

If my husband doesn't pass even one of his classes this summer, we are out of luck for law school. (It stresses me to no-end to be that tight, but it was finish a few extra credits this summer, or wait a whole other year to go to law school.)  But if my husband even suggests that he is unable to visit for the next few weeks, he will immediately be labelled the bad guy--he already has that label without it being his fault at all.  Of course, he could continue to set up appointments, and let BM be the one to cancel them.....

After two years of no visits and almost no contact at all, we are just on the verge of getting back to "normal," and I hate to think of doing anything to ruin that.  My husband, obviously, is anxious to have his daughters back in our home, but he is also just relieved to know that they know he cares--he always talks about when his dad disappeared for years and then just showed up on their doorstep on Christmas Day, and how that was the greatest day because, despite all that his father had done in the past, they knew he cared.  We know that OSD is anxious to get here too; YSD is pretty non-committal either way--of course that doesn't matter because despite all her pretty words about the "girls' comfort level," BM is only worried about her own self.  The court order is extremely vague, and essentially gives BM all power....