Messages

I favor writing letters because it is much easier for me to express myself clearly in writing (though ya'll may not see that on some of my posts.)  You have a chance to sit and think about what to say and how to say it, and a chance to read over it and change anything before you send it off.

So, my suggestion is to start writing some letters--state what you agreed to verbally, request that the verbal agreement be upheld, request a written response within X days.   Wait patiently, if no response send another letter again requesting same stuff and infer that you will be forced to take the issue to court if she does not cooperate.  (And keep copies of all your correspondence!)  If nothing happens, you have lost nothing but $0.37 for the stamp.

I assume the denied visitation was based upon the verbal agreement, so that trying to hold her in contempt would not work.  Does your verbal agreement fit pretty closely with state guidelines for long-distance visitation?  If so, you may want to send the ex a copy and let her know that is what the court would likely go with if you were forced to take it that far.  Probably want to get that verbal agreement in writing and signed off by the courts....

You can start the search for an attorney in the meantime.  In our state, you can call the bar association for referrals.  They give you names of attorneys who will accept payment plans, and most attorneys will reduce their first consultation fee if you are referred by the state bar.

Be patient.  Call the child as often as possible.  Try to keep up a polite dialogue with the ex.  From what I have been told--haven't really experienced it yet--courts like to see the cooperation, and will favor the side who makes an effort at it.

We're from Oregon, so I don't know about California CS specifically.  From what I understand, the new spouse's income cannot be used.  However.... when my husband requested a modification last summer, the judge asked very specifically what I was making (I was at a temp job--haven't worked since), would not allow my husband to ask ex about her husband's income, and essentially told my husband that I could support OUR children while he paid the max child support to his ex.
On the other hand, a couple a year's ago we went through the same process when ex requested mod.  Although the paperwork did not say so, our attorney felt the judge was somewhat lenient towards my husband since I was not working at that time. (The amount still went up, so I'm not sure how lenient it actually was.....)

The last time I spoke to my husband's ex, she informed me that he will divorce me too! (I didn't remind her that SHE was the one who did the divorcing.)

My husband mentioned once that his ex tried to get back with him after we were engaged.  Sad!! especially considering she was already remarried.  In the past, she has sat on our couch crying because her marriage was failing.  And the last time she saw us at our home was 4 days after our second child was born--when everyone was so happy and excited about the new addition.  She actually asked my husband once why he couldn't have been THIS way when they were married.  He grew up but she never did.....  So she missed out.

We have been married 4 years now.  My husband laughs because I am counting down to when I have been married to him longer than ex #1.   For some reason that is a big hurdle for me; he laughs, but I think my husband understands.  (BTW, there is an ex #2--I already passed her up--plus no kids from that relationship, so we have very few dealings with her.)

That is funny :)  How can you stay so patient?!?  With your recent posts, it sounds as if NCP may be CP soon--and I know I could hardly wait if that was so obviously in our future.......


Your PBFH sounds like ours--"Stay out of our lives until I have a problem."  My husband's ex wanted to take us to court to disallow him from calling her on the phone, among other things.  We settled because it just wasn't worth it to push the issues.  Within a month of signing the papers, the ex is calling my husband because she can't control YSD.  Grrrr.....

Last week my husband--after hours of agonizing--decided not to continue with joint counseling.  He was going to tell his daughters during the session on Monday that he would leave it up to them to let him know when they would like to pursue a relationship with him.  Prior to the appointment, he called to inform counselor of his intentions.  She, in turn and with my husband's permission, called BM.  Counselor wanted BM to be prepared for the girls' emotional state afterwards.

Well.....  BM took it upon herself to tell the girls that their dad was not ever coming back.  Obviously, all involved were upset, including the counselor. (According to my husband, the counselor is totally on his side now--as much as she can be as a "neutral" participant in this mess.  She is meeting with BM and is extremely frustrated.)

My husband could not say "no" to his daughters after they begged for him to continue.  He was able to express his concerns to them--namely that he is worried they will pull the same stunt (making up stories of abuse) the next time they are disciplined or don't get their way.

So, my husband drove the two hours again to their appointment yesterday.  He said his daughters have done a complete 180.  Instead of talking back and calling him a liar saying it will take a long, long time to trust him, YSD says he is a "9" on a scale of 1-10 and that she can trust him again completely in 2 weeks.  OSD was similarly ready to move on.  I really did think they just needed a good shock and to consider the fact that dad comes because he WANTS to not because he HAS to, and am glad that seems to be the case.

They agreed to move on to supervised visits by the end of May, possibly even before that.  Now let's see what new thing BM will try.  First she was absolutely insistent that ONLY her mother could take girls to the appointments, even though my MIL was willing and able--that was causing us to miss weeks because of scheduling conflicts.  (BM's mother's husband--her 6th or 7th--has brought SDs to last 3 appointments)  Now BM has decided the girls have scheduling conflicts so she changed up appointment times--so my husband will be missing tons of class, but he will go.  Court order says that counselor, girls, my husband and BM have to agree when it is time to start supervised visits... but if we land in court BM again will lose big time. (I can't imagine that she doesn't realize this too.)

My husband walked out of his counseling appointment with his daughters absolutely furious.  Normally, we hang out for a while and let my SDs play with their brother and sister.  Not this time--he was out the door, didn't even say "goodbye" to the girls.  We barely had time to give them Easter stuff (we had it all ready BEFORE Easter, but SDs didn't show last week.)

Last time it was OSD absolutely insistent that "Daddy is a liar."  This time it was YSD--speaking to her father like no child should ever be allowed to speak--he's a liar, he wants to hurt them, he waited until I left to beat them (a few weeks ago, they both admitted there was just one "incident"--ever--in 11 years.)  Both just want him to be "consistent" and a "good dad."  I'm sorry, but isn't driving two hours one way to see your children for one hour every single week being a good dad?  Isn't skipping work, class, family activities just to make that drive being a good dad?  Isn't driving 16 hours every other weekend for visitation being a good dad?  My husband is an amazing father.  I considered myself lucky to marry a man with two children because I saw what type of father he would be to our children, and I loved what I saw!

As for the consistency thing, he simply told them that he was there last week, "Where were you?"  Every week that an appointment has been missed, it was because SDs or their grandma had something else.  We asked if someone else could pick up SDs, but BM refused citing the court order. (I'm sorry--she must have a different copy, because the copy we have says absolutely nothing about transportation and does not mention grandma's name.)  After that big mess and BM's absolute insistence that her mom bring the girls, their step-grandfather brought them to this appointment.  (I think he's ex-MIL's 6th or 7th husband--that a good stable family....)

Oh, and they want their dad to "take responsibility" for the "abuse."  Interesting how just last week the counselor spoke with BM and told her my husband was not going to take responsibility for any abuse.  The counselor further informed BM that she--counselor--did not believe that there was any abuse that had occurred and that the focus of the joint counseling would be simply to restore trust, and BM needed to cooperate.  BM flipped out and said she would accept nothing less than my husband admitting guilt.

My husband walked out the door and within 5 minutes had convinced himself not to go back.  They are old enough and smart enough to know better.  He will never turn his back on them--although for the first time he said that is what he felt like doing.  He just wants to leave things up to them.  It is too stressful for him and our family to deal with this every week.  Our 3-year old was so confused and worried the whole way home--so now he is being impacted by BMs/SDs actions too.  It is never going to change--the counselor said there was nothing she could do.  BM is NOT going to change.  The courts will NOT help.  Those girls are going to be so messed up.  Even at age 6, YSD was a "wild child" (BM's words) and could not be controlled by anyone except her Dad.  Three years ago, BM was sitting on MY couch crying because YSD was destroying her marriage.  Now BM has trained both of her daughters to lie, to talk back, to be completely disrespectful with no consequences.  Doesn't she get it?  Everyone--the girls, my husband, our family, BM, her family--are all suffering and will continue to suffer.

I don't know if my husband will follow through.  I am not a good advisor for him either--it aggravates me to no end to see what SDs are doing to my sweetheart.  In the past 18 months we have tried to place all the blame on BM, but it gets harder and harder every time my husband has to listen to his daughters spout off to him because they know they can.  I almost think that if he did finally say, "OK--it's up to you.  Let me know when you want a relationship," my SDs would shape up.

Grrrrrrrrr.......

Why are so many of you concerned about this father not wanting his child to have some other man's name?  I'm sure he has his reasons.

There have been some valid points for changing the name made.  However, why would BM be so set on changing the child's name to her soon-to-be husband's?  Answer: One step closer in removing real dad from the picture by replacing him with another dad.  Even if the child does not have SND's name now, it is the name of someone (BM) with whom he at one point had a relationship--not some unknown person coming into his child's life.  SF will have a strong enough influence--as all you stepparents know--without also having to give his name.

Of course, that said, I have to admit I am also on the side of the debate that says stepparents should not be called "mom" or "dad," especially when biological mother or father are around and trying to maintain a strong relationship.  Names and titles are big things.

My husband's counselor--for joint counseling with his daughters--called while we were out the other night and wants to talk to him.  They left their last session on very poor terms, and I am anxious to hear what she wants.  She told my husband that a "different forum" might be better for him, which I kind of hope means we don't have to see her anymore.

We went to this counselor, chosen by BM, just to get things going, and hopefully avoid court. We went with very low expectations.  She has met all of them.  Counselor is now suggesting that he needs 2 more months of counseling sessions before supervised visits start.  She wants so badly for my husband to admit guilt and remorse.  What a joke!!  

Even if my husband actually did what SDs and BM accused him of, they have all admitted that one incidence is the only one in over 11 years since OSD was born.  And somehow that makes him a terrible abuser.  Grrrr....  My husband was so upset about it he couldn't tell me what happened until the next day........

My understanding is that counseling records cannot be released to the court or anyone else without your permission.  Our ex's attorney tried to get my husband's records from court-ordered therapy.  First of all, our therapist was furious and absolutely dumbfounded that the attorney even asked.  Secondly, our therapist did not respond to the attorney, rather she sent us a letter to forward to the attorney saying essentially that the court requirements were met and she could only release records with my husband's permission.  Third, the ex's attorney did not push the issue at all.

Did we miss something?  Are there occasions when medical records can be released without your permission?  I'm sure if she could, my husband's ex would use his therapy against him--he is currently in joint counseling with his daughters (also court-ordered.)  Counselor said the records were completely confidential.  Do we have to be concerned about it?

Another note on counseling, our counselors requested that I was involved in my husband's counseling.  We had several sessions together, some separate.  It was a great thing!!  We were very lucky to find someone who let us pay on a sliding scale--only $20/session.  Just a good thing for the whole family.  Even though my husband went in with the "problem" (according to the courts), the counselors were very concerned about MY well-being in dealing with the ex's antics.  And once you get there, it is not as scary as it looks on the outside.....

I had a big long response for you, because I totally empathize.  My husband and I have had very similar discussions about our financial situation.  After reading through, I decided that I can't give you much advice.  My husband has really taken it upon himself to curb his spending, to give me receipts when he does spend, and to accept my word for what is in our account (in the past we have had many, many discussions about not trusting what the ATM machine says....)  The only thing I really have to do is to keep our account up-to-date, and to not freak out when he wants to spend a little--or even a lot.  The not freaking out is the key in our financial relationship....

The best thing for us has been mutual patience.  When we moved, we gave away our sofa and loveseat, with the intention of buying a new couch when we got to our new home.  Finally we ended up at a furniture auction and got a set for $700 (valued at $2700.)  It was really pushing our account, I did not want it and was fine without a couch, but it was a great deal and my husband had been sitting on the floor for 7 months--that's patience....

Somehow my husband's attitude of "it will all work out fine" has worked most of the time for the past 4 years, but I think it works best in combination with my "don't count the chickens before they are hatched" attitude.  Does that make any sense???  Sorry not much advice here, but hope what I have said helps a little.