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We were headed to my SDs hometown yesterday for a family thing and decided to stop by their church.  (Side note: BM does not take SDs to church, her mother does, for now.)  OSD was giving a little talk in the children's meeting and since we were "in the neighborhood" we thought we would stop by.  Guess who didn't show up....  Grrrrr....  Why would you purposefully prevent your children from doing good things--church, sports, etc.--just because Dad wants to be there to support them?

My husband spoke to his daughters in person for the first time in 18 months.  The joint counseling started last night.  I was not involved in the sessions, but our children and I made the two-hour drive with my husband to support him and to see the girls.

Everyone was so excited!  It was like they didn't even skip a beat--Dad was goofing around, my SDs were laughing and hugging and TALKING non-stop.  According to my husband, the counselor was getting more and more annoyed because no one wanted to play her "games."  They just wanted to talk with each other.  Counselor kept asking YSD if she had any concerns, the response: "I'm hungry."  OSD's concern was that she didn't want to have to wait too long to see her dad again.

According to what the counselor told my husband last week, the joint counseling is supposed to be a transition into supervised visits.  Hopefully, counselor can see past her degree on the wall and realize she is not needed.  She indicated it would be just a few sessions.  BM's mom was the one who took SDs to the counseling session, and will likely be doing supervised visits, and she seemed pretty anxious to get things moving.

We are pretty peeved at the counseling center, and view them as responsible for at least the past 15 months of missed time with my SDs. (Counselor intern the girls saw originally testified in court that absolutely my husband was abusing them, and there was no way SDs were lying about it.  We later received copies of their records indicating that OSD admitted to lying, but didn't want BM to get in trouble.)  I was so proud of my husband when he told the counselor straight out that he thinks they screwed up.  At first he was just going to go along, say what they want to hear.  We are both relieved that he decided to stick with the plain old truth.  She was doing the whole counselor thing asking "What do you want out of the counseling?" And he said "I want my kids back."  She didn't like it when he told her we were jumping through the hoops and she was just one of the hoops.

Anyway, it was just refreshing to see my SDs and to KNOW that they are not scared of Dad like everyone has been saying.  Our 3-year old was excited to see his sisters--kept trying to pull them into our car instead of their grandma's.  It was harder with my 18-month old; she last saw her sisters when she was 3 days old, and she is a shy one around strangers.  She'll warm up quickly enough.  It was just soooo good to see them!!!

My husband grew up in a divorced home.  His mother did all she could to discourage his relationship with his father.  Probably most of what she said/did was deserved.  His father was abusive and spent time in jail--for things a lot worse than stealing money.  BUT my husband still sought out a relationship with his dad.  His dad finally straightened out his life, built a good relationship with my husband, and then died of cancer about three years later.  And you know, every once in a while he speaks very bitterly towards his mother who prevented him from knowing his father and his father's family.

So, ditto what Brent said.  I see no reason for terminating BM's rights to her daughter.  Obviously, you can't force the child on her, but do what you can to encourage the relationship, and then positively support your SD if her mom chooses not to.

As NCP, my husband really doesn't care what BM knows--because he is doing what he is supposed to as a father--but we are still entitled to some privacy.  In my opinion, BM's household is hers, our household is ours.  Unless children are being harmed in some way, nobody has any business of sticking their noses into either one of our households.  As a general rule, we don't even ask SDs what happens at their mom's house.  (They know to tell Dad if something is wrong, and have done it in the past.)

If I were a teacher, with one parent asking me about another parent, I would also do all I could to stay out of it.  My suggestion is to look for some other way to prove that BM is lying about her involvement.

While in most situations the income of the new spouse cannot specifically be used in calculating CS, it can and probably will be taken into consideration.  It's just the human factor that is involved in the whole process.  Let me explain further with my own experiences....

About 3 years ago BM (CP) filed for CS modification.  In the hearing my husband explained that I was not working and we relied completely on his income, while BM and her husband both worked full-time.  The judge raised CS, but not as much as she could have, and our attorney felt it was because we had only one income to BMs two incomes.

Last year, we filed for a CS modification.  This time the judge asked my husband very specific questions about my income (at the time I was working full-time.)  The judge determined essentially that my husband could pay the previously ordered CS amount--which was more than his actual monthly income--and let me support our family. (Of course that is not what the order said, but that is what it amounts to.)  But, the judge would not allow my husband to ask BM anything about her husband's income.  Go figure!

I realize laws are different from state to state--just thought that this particular aspect was universal--perhaps it is not.  We have researched many aspects of child support *in Oregon* very carefully.  It was a CSE caseworker who told us specifically they could not do anything unless my husband was $2000 or more in arrears.......

Actually, when we first lost our business and my husband missed his first few CS payments (after 7 years of missing none), my husband told BM to call CSE and ask them to do something, which of course she did.  They still had to wait until we hit that magic number.

Was it CSE that filed contempt or the CP?  CPs can--and certainly will--do whatever they want.

In regards to the late bill from CS--I wouldn't stress too much.  Certainly you shouldn't just ignore it, but as long as you are making payments, you are fine.

First of all, they really can't take any action (suspending license, seizing tax returns, etc.) until you are XX amount behind.  (I believe in Oregon you have to be $2000 or more in arrears.)  

Secondly, it is going to take time to get any action going, several months after you hit XX amount.  If you pay up, go below XX amount, then for some reason get behind again, the whole process starts over when you hit XX amount again.

Even after they send the threatening letters, in my experience, it still takes a little time to actually do it.  My husband spoke to his CSE caseworker recently and she told him as long as it was in by the end of the month, we were fine, even though it is ordered to be paid by the 11th of the month.

I have just been pondering the past couple weeks how much the past couple years have changed my perspective in regards to single moms, visitation, child support, etc.  I used to be the type of person that took you at your word and never really considered that it may not be truth.  Now I have a pretty good picture of what my husband's ex is painting and KNOW that it is wrong--so I always question what other BMs say, as well as NCPs.

I have recently made friends with a single mom whose daughter is my son's age.  She off-handedly mentioned the other day that she lives off of her child support, and it really bothers me.  In her defense, she has basically no bills of her own because she lives with an aunt, AND her daughter is well-cared for, but not extravagantly so.  And I have no idea what kind of contact--if any--the dad has with his beautiful little girl (she is a real sweetheart!)

I have another acquaintance who is a stepmom, and who happened to mention that they were "stopping by" to see her SS on the way to her family's house for Christmas.  It is "too expensive" for them to visit him EOW as in the parenting plan.  Her SS does live a few hours away, but again, it just bothers me.  I am very proud of the fact that while we lived 4 hours away (one-way) from my SDs we missed only 3 weekends in one year (then BM decided to stop allowing us visitation.)

And over and over again, I see other stepmoms, how they deal with things--some I agree with, some not.   I associate with CP moms and just wonder what they do to damage (or support) the relationship between father and child.  I absolutely scrutinize anything I hear on the news, or even fictional stories or shows, with any mention of divorced parents or an absent father.  It is a whole new world that has opened up to me in the past 4 years.  I think I am grateful for the new awareness....

I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not, but on occasion I have done the same thing.  (But I've never done it consistently.)  It's much easier to let them leave a voice mail.  If it's BM she usually won't leave a message--which is fine.  If it's SDs, Dad can hear their voices instead of mine.

Thanks.  I hate to sound like I am complaining all the time.  I have never begrudged my husband supporting his children.  I came into this relationship thinking I knew about CS and dealing with the ex, etc. etc.  But I was very naive to the basic unfairness of the family law system.  I also knew when my husband chose to go to college, things would be tight, but again, naive to the system, thought they might work with us.  We've made it this far, and I suppose we will keep on making it....


P.S. They did impute my husband's income AND they included financial aid (what we consider his "full-time income") in the CS calculation.