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I agree also.  Truth is always important, but sometimes you just have to weigh whether the truth or silence would be the most damaging.

In our situation, my husband had several months to think about what he would say to his daughters about the accusations of abuse they brought against him.  He finally decided that he would not play the penitent sinner because he did nothing wrong.  It made the road a little rougher because BM was absolutely insistent that my husband admit guilt and apologize (and my SDs echoed her opinions.)  It scares me to think what would have been if they had seen their father go along with their lies in order to get through counseling faster.....

There are many other little things that BM tells my SDs.  In my inexperienced opinion, I believe my SDs will figure it all out eventually with or without our saying anything.  They are already starting to (at least OSD.)

BTW, if they ever say to me, as they did to the counselor, that their father doesn't pay his child support, I am definitely breaking out the statement from CSE--it gives the TOTAL amount paid since the order was put into place.  I'm sure $45,000+ will impress them, and they won't care if it is a little short of what is actually ordered (not much--we're working on it!)

Just a note on the counselors records, my husband sent a letter to his daughters counselor simply stating that according to his parenting plan and the state law, he was entitled to his children's records and please send a copy.  It took them about a month, but we got everything.  If a nice letter doesn't work, then break out the attorney....

As far as being concerned about what the therapist thinks and being swayed in the wrong direction.  We went through the exact same thing!  Our problem was that we weren't even told that my SDs were in counseling until the week of my husband's court date.  We were furious that the counseling center completely took BM's word--in a situation where she would obviously benefit from lying, and did--didn't even try to talk to Dad.  It took a few months of joint counseling with my husband and his daughters for the counselor to understand what was really going on, but she got it eventually, I think....

We are just not asking for anything right now.  My husband doesn't want to pay the money for an attorney to have the same judge tell him the same thing.  This judge was incredibly biased, and we heard after the fact from more than one attorney, that she has a reputation for favoring mothers.  And she declared herself the judge of record.  

I personally don't think we would have difficulty changing monitor if we really wanted to push the issue--BM's mom abandoned BM and her sisters as teenagers, she's on her 6th or 7th marriage, and she has been fired from several nursing jobs for stealing drugs....  And yet BM sends her children to her house every weekend!!  Ex-MIL seems to be in an upswing right now--back to church, remarried, etc. so we are catching her now before she flip-flops.  It's aggravating, because everyone--including BM and her mother--knows that my husband is not the abusive father they claimed in court that he was.  If there was a real concern, the visit would have been supervised.  At least it was a little more pleasant for my husband and SDs without psycho-grandma hanging over their shoulders.

Like I mentioned in another post, my husband has known BM and her family for 15+ years, he knows none of them can stick to anything for too long.  He believes supervised visits won't last too long because they will be tired of it.  So my husband's position is to just "jump through the hoops" (just a few more to go.)  Part of my frustration, but what else can I do?

Essentially, the supervised visits go until BM says they stop--part of the joke we call a court order (And I quote: "The frequency and the length time of these supervised visits shall be determined by the agreement of all parties involved.  It is the goal of the court that regular parenting time between DH and the minor children be reinstated at some point in the future....")  BM did suggest 6 supervised visits, then sit down and discuss.  My husband believes BM and her mom are both tired of dealing with their own mess, so supervised visits won't last too long.

I went with my husband last week because we never see him!  He is a full-time student (currently taking 28 credit hours), plus trying to provide for us and pay CS, AND he's the guy everyone calls when they need help with something because they know he will be there.  He's gone basically from 8 am to 8 or 9pm--sometimes more or less--everyday except Sunday, and when he is home he is either asleep or studying.  Ahhh, student life....  To have 4 hours in the car with him to just chat is a good thing--I can put aside my frustration with him during that time. (But every once in a while he hears a good vent about his ex-wife!)  

My husband had his first "supervised" visit.  I would first like to state that it was, as everything else, a joke.  My husband's ex-MIL is the supervisor, and BM was adamant that they all stay at ex-MIL's house during the entire visit.  Well, ex-MIL and her husband #6 (or #7--not sure) came out when we first showed up, said that they were doing some remodeling and so they thought my husband and SDs could visit in the front yard.  That was the only time we saw ex-MIL the entire time--some supervision, huh?

Anyway, I was aggravated with my husband because he did not even ask BM to meet somewhere else.  I do not like ex-MIL anymore than I like her daughter, and I was NOT going to chase my children around her house.  Originally I was going to stay home, but we see my husband so little these days that I wanted to have at least the 4 hours with him in the car, so Plan B was to drop him off and take our two children to a nearby park.  Well, my son was so excited to see his sisters, and he chose them over the park.  But, I didn't get out of the car. (I used the excuse that I had a headache--which was true.)

I am so frustrated and completely powerless in this situation.  I am still angry with my SDs for the lies they told about their father and me.  I am annoyed that my husband won't listen to a word I have to say about the situation, but he wants to drag me along to all the counseling appointments, etc.  I have gone almost every time that he has asked me, the exception being if I had a conflicting appointment.  But I just couldn't do it this time and act happy.  **I** was not ordered to have supervised visits.  My husband HAS to do it to get regular visitation.  And when that starts again, I will be happy, supportive SM in my own home.....

When our son was born, my SDs tried to call him their stepbrother.  But BM's son was just "brother."  We stopped that immediately.  No half's or step's in our family.  My husband's family was the same way--when I first met him and asked about family, he told me he had 5 siblings.  It wasn't until much later that I found out it was one brother, one half-brother, one half-sister, and two step-sisters.  I still haven't met the stepsisters, so they are obviously not super-close, but they are still his sisters.

I wonder if BM realizes the impact she has on our family (she's not the brightest.)  I know she is perfectly willing to mess with my husband's life, and probably not too concerned about the stress it causes me.  But does she even think about how confused and hurt our kids our?  My daughter is almost 2 and the only times she has seen her sisters is in a counselor's office.  My son is 3 1/2 and adores his sisters (especially YSD), and gets really upset when he only gets to spend 15 minutes with them and then sits in the car for 2 more hours to go back home.

Somewhat related, the last time we saw BM, she was asking about CS.  My husband was very diplomatically listing off a few of the problems with the "system."  BM made some comment about how she wasn't exactly living the "high life" and I had to put in my two cents--she was living on 2 1/2 incomes, while my family of 4 had 1/2 income.  She did look a bit shocked.  I don't know if she had just never considered that the CS was actually coming out of our pockets, not out of thin air, or if she was just surprised I actually said something about it.

My husband's ex has a cycle, which he explained to me when we were dating and I have seen in full in the four years we have been married.  She will be thoroughly cooperative for a while--letting him have extra time, etc. etc.  Even friendly to the point of coming to our house to seek advice from my husband.  THEN she completely flip-flops and we end up in court--or trying to avoid court.

Well, my husband is not much into the details of parenting plans, etc.  And I will admit that he is willing to push various issues.  Most the time he can read his ex pretty well, so he knows how far to push.  (Of course when she flips to the dark side of her cycle, there is nothing anyone can do, really.)  Anyway, there have been occasions when he has been "in contempt."

In recent pondering, I realized that BM never used any of the instances that my husband was actually and truly in contempt when she filed papers.  She relied completely on falsehoods--not even mixing in the true with the false.  I just think it is odd.  We know she would get nowhere with just the little things my husband is actually in contempt over, but if she's going to lie anyway, why not include all the other stuff??

The ignorance of that woman is mind-numbing to me....  Even more mind-numbing is that she still gets away with whatever she wants--in and out of the courtroom.

I always thought it was funny that YSD would ask to call her mom either right after they got to our house or right before we left to take them back to BM--didn't matter if they were staying for the weekend or two weeks.  YSD didn't start even asking to call until just a few weeks before BM served my husband requesting sole legal custody.  One of her many reasons to change custody: We supposedly NEVER let the children call....  BTW, the parenting plan does not make any mention of phone calls between BM and children.  And OSD never did ask to call her mom--we just keep things too busy :)

My husband called BM yesterday--actually had a good conversation with her--and she told him not to let her husband know about it.  SF doesn't know that BM has been speaking to my husband (only 3-4 phone calls in the past 2 years.)  So, essentially, my husband is not allowed to parent his children because SF is incapable of dealing with it.  What can you do about that?

Since I have known my husband, especially the past 2 years, BM has refused to speak with my husband regarding important issues because my husband was "manipulative."  That is what the counselors and judge heard many times, when in fact SF is the problem.  Essentially, all of the things "they" have been saying about my husband could pretty easily applied to SF.  

A little more about SF--I have never met him officially--every thing I know of him is "hearsay."  The first time I saw him was in court in October 2002--I have known my husband/SDs/BM since October 1999.  My SDs say he sits around and plays video games all day.  In the past, they have told us stories about him hitting their mom.  He has also hit the girls in the past (before I came on the seen), but my husband very diplomatically took care of that--it's a lovely story for another time.  And he has been "Dad" to my SDs......

My husband has his last joint counseling session with his daughters yesterday.  He came out with the ever-present sense of frustration, but also relief that we are able to check off one more thing on the list to getting things back to "normal."

So after 5 months of counseling, in the last session it comes out that "punishment" at Dad's house is far less to be feared than at Mom's house, and that old stepdad has a bit of a temper.  But does anybody care?!?  As my husband said, the counselor will go home and put a little check by our family as being "fixed," satisfied in her work.  She mentioned to my husband how proud she was that he had changed his behavior and was communicating better, etc. etc.  Very funny--he has said every single time that he did nothing wrong and would not apologize and would not change (at least no more than the average parent changes as they become more experienced as a parent.)

Everybody is sick of this mess--including BM.  She actually told my husband that they need to be careful that it "doesn't get this far" in the future--as is my husband had any control over it.  SDs no longer have all the attention from BM and counselors and police, etc. etc. so they are tired of it too.  When it comes right down to it, life at our house is pretty good--despite chores, and discipline, and a student budget....

So the counselor thinks supervised visits will only last a few weeks, then back to the EOW thing.  That means I have to get over my frustrations.  My SDs have an almost-two year old sister who is afraid of them, and it is really their own fault.  By the time they are back in our home on a regular basis, they will have had 2 years of their mother's parenting that we have to deal with, since it is very different from the way my husband and I have chosen to parent.  It was hard enough when we saw them EOW....