24
« on: Aug 05, 2004, 12:01:04 AM »
Well, here's my story with an incredible happy ending. Yesterday in court was arguably the happiest day of my life (exception of when my now 4 and 6 yr. olds sons were born)- I was requesting 50/50 equal custody of my sons (from current 30/70). I have never read about a Daddy getting 50/50 when there is in fact (1) a very capable Mother involved who has no parental "skeletons (2) a Mother who did not agree to 50/50 and was going to aggressively fight it in court and (3) cases involving very young children.
There was ONE very crucial lesson learned...if you as a Father love your kids and are VOLUNTARILY willing to make extreme personal and financial sacrifices, in the end you WILL prevail in family court. Those sacrifices have 10x the impact of getting equal custody than which atty you hire, which judge you face and anything your ex-wife can do. While you and I may debate about the "fairness" of Mothers perhaps not having to make the same kind of sacrifices I can only tell you these were the easiest sacrifices I have ever made in my life.
The key to victory here was an "glowing" report from the court appointed mediator "two loving, capable parents....ideal case for equal physical custody". Judge heard the evidence and supported it 100%. How to get that mediator (and judge) to so strongly recommend 50/50? That is where it gets more interesting and I will say I am not suggesting the following sacrifices are for everybody-I have always had great difficulty putting a "price" on more time with my sons and therefore have been willing to "pay the price" myself.
Immediately after divorce, Mother took the then 6 mo and 2 yr. old boys 1200 miles away to be near her parents. I quit my job and was in the car 2 days later following my boys, landing myself a 3 min. walk away from Mom's house. In the process I was unemployed for 1 yr but still payed the significant child support and 1/2 daycare (total of over $2,500/month) using my VISA. Could have had it reduced but judge off the record told me if all I really cared about was one day getting equal time with my boys, this was the "smart move" to make. In the interim, turned down jobs that were paying 2x my previous salary as they would have required either relocation or heavy travel. I simply was not going to take a job that took me away for significant time from my sons. Downsized significantly, took a 2 BR apartment, fixed up the boys room with bunk beds and all. Kept very detailed SPARC parenting logs for 4 years that reflected I have never missed a doc appt, t-ball game, parent-teacher conference, etc, volunteered at Kindergarten on regular basis. Meantime, thousands every month getting put on several VISA cards. Eventually landed a job that worked great for the kids, I was able to work out of the house, light travel, lot of flexiblity around kids schedule. Still running a monthly cash flow deficit of $1k/month and my CPA advising to file for personal bankruptcy given astronomical debt.
The judge-and mediator in this case recognized the kind of Father I have been-and the personal sacrifices made to put my sons always #1. It is so enlightening for courts to recognize really GOOD Dads and the effect they can have on children's lives. I watched a case just before mine where same judge REVERSED primary custody from Mommy to DAddy based on (1) Mom moved away with kids and "kids have never been same, constant problems, school, etc. and (2) remarkably improved behavior since Dad's visitation was increased. Outcome: Kids will now reside with DAD every day of every week with Mother getting a few w/e a month. And even if Mother moves back to San Diego judge said that makes NO difference at this point-primary custody will still be with DAD.
Times they are a changin'...especially if you are willing to make the sacrifices....
Many many many thanks to those of you for your insight and most of all just "being there". TM,, LAH, MJ, Wendl, Children First, Jan, StepMom, and so many more.....................
Show Posts