Messages

Been there (have 50/50 after taking Mom to court to get it)-
Sometimes you simply can't rationalize with an irrational person

Fight fire with fire so next time she will think twice about playing her pathetic games.

1.  Get a very aggressive atty who has experience with the family
     law judge in your area.

2.  Sit in the judge's courtroom to get a feel for his/her decision making
     process, then structure your case/strategy accordingly.

3.  Request Mom pays all of your atty fees when you respond to her filing

4.  YOU file for full custody

5.  The eventual court decision is a no=brainer:  remain 50/50 but hopefully Mom now understands if she wants to play court games in the future,  it won't be an enjoyable experience.

Here is your fabulous atty  (in Encinitas)

Alan Edmunds

I got 50/50 last year and it is a fact that here in San Diego we are most fortunate 50/50 is becoming the DEFAULT in cases of two very capable, responsible parents.  Let's hope other parts of the country can progress to that level sooner than later..

The ONLY way you can trip yourself up is to focus on the negatives of the mother.  You need to concentrate only on the positives of the father..everything else will take care of itself.  DO NOT get caught in Mom's trap of distracting you with the petty b.s. - that is the only hope she has and if engage...you won't like the result.

 If you use Alan-and can demonstrate your hubby is a great Dad....this will be a slam dunk.  I said demonstrate-not just talk the talk but walk the walk  (detailed logs of his participating with the kids, sacrifices he has made, etc. etc.)

go get 'em and let me tell ya 50/50 is a beautiful thing................

Kudos to you!  You are the definition of what a father-or any parent is all about-the kids ALWAYS come first-and your daughter will be eternally grateful!!!!!!!

Well, here's my story with an incredible happy ending.  Yesterday in court was arguably the happiest day of my life (exception of when my now 4 and 6 yr. olds sons were born)- I was requesting 50/50 equal custody of my sons (from current 30/70).  I have never read about a Daddy getting 50/50 when there is in fact  (1) a very capable Mother involved who has no parental "skeletons (2) a Mother who did not agree to 50/50 and was going to aggressively fight it in court and (3) cases involving very young children.

There was ONE very crucial lesson learned...if you as a Father love your kids and are VOLUNTARILY willing to make extreme personal and financial sacrifices, in the end you WILL prevail in family court.  Those sacrifices have 10x the impact of getting equal custody than which atty you hire, which judge you face and anything your ex-wife can do.  While you and I may debate about the "fairness" of Mothers perhaps not having to make the same kind of sacrifices I can only tell you these were the easiest sacrifices I have ever made in my life.

The key to victory here was an "glowing" report from the court appointed mediator "two loving, capable parents....ideal case for equal physical custody".  Judge heard the evidence and supported it 100%.  How to get that mediator (and judge) to so strongly recommend 50/50?  That is where it gets more interesting and I will say I am not suggesting the following sacrifices are for everybody-I have always had great difficulty putting a "price" on more time with my sons and therefore have been willing to "pay the price" myself.

Immediately after divorce, Mother took the then 6 mo and 2 yr. old boys 1200 miles away to be near her parents.  I quit my job and was in the car 2 days later following my boys, landing myself a 3 min. walk away from Mom's house.  In the process I was unemployed for 1 yr but still payed the significant child support and 1/2 daycare (total of over $2,500/month) using my VISA.  Could have had it reduced but judge off the record told me if all I really cared about was one day getting equal time with my boys, this was the "smart move" to make.  In the interim, turned down jobs that were paying 2x my previous salary as they would have required either relocation or heavy travel.  I simply was not going to take a job that took me away for significant time from my sons.  Downsized significantly, took a 2 BR apartment, fixed up the boys room with bunk beds and all.  Kept very detailed SPARC parenting logs for 4 years that reflected I have never missed a doc appt, t-ball game, parent-teacher conference, etc, volunteered at Kindergarten on regular basis.   Meantime, thousands every month getting put on several VISA cards.  Eventually landed a job that worked great for the kids, I was able to work out of the house, light travel, lot of flexiblity around kids schedule.  Still running a monthly cash flow deficit of $1k/month and my CPA advising to file for personal bankruptcy given astronomical debt.

The judge-and mediator in this case recognized the kind of Father I have been-and the personal sacrifices made to put my sons always #1.  It is so enlightening for courts to recognize really GOOD Dads and the effect they can have on children's lives.  I watched a case just before mine where same judge REVERSED primary custody from Mommy to DAddy based on (1) Mom moved away with kids and "kids have never been same, constant problems, school, etc. and (2) remarkably improved behavior since Dad's visitation was increased.  Outcome:  Kids will now reside with DAD every day of every week with Mother getting a few w/e a month.  And even if Mother moves back to San Diego judge said that makes NO difference at this point-primary custody will still be with DAD.  

Times they are a changin'...especially if you are willing to make the sacrifices....

Many many many thanks to those of you for your insight and most of all just "being there".  TM,, LAH, MJ, Wendl, Children First, Jan, StepMom, and so many more.....................

PD,

Agreed. That's the irony when I stand back and look at the big picture-
would I rather have more time but with a pathetic Mommy or less time with two good parents

I'll take the latter every time hands down.  Kids win in that case, they lose big time in the former.

Gas

PeanutsDad,

Congrats, that's great news for you and little Peanut.

I hope one day to read about similar victories for our kids but when it is a "level playing field", i.e., two great parents, good working relationship, NO skeletons/parenting issues.  Just a father wanting more time with his kids, plain and simple and Mommy doesn't want to lose any of her 70%.  That's my situation, and I have to go to court to hopefully get increased time from current 30/70 arrangement.  Two fantastic, well adjusted, happy/healthy boys 4 and 6 that I have made unreal sacrifices to be involved in their day to day lives.

It just seems the ONLY time 50/50 is granted is when (1) the Mother has some serious parenting issues and/or both parents agree to 50/50 without a court fight.  Neither of those is my case, simple case of two very capable, loving, devoted parents but a Mother that won't budge from status quo (70/30 Mom).  Our mediation was last week but only 35 minutes with Mom giving no ground and no real insight into where Mediator is headed with her recommendation to the court.

Hearing is coming up-Monday.  We'll find out how far Southern Cal. courts really have progressed in the recognition that equal time time with TWO great parents is in the children's  best interest.

Hi Ca. Dad,

That's  good to hear.  Nice deal having an ex AGREE to 50/50 from the outset and then is so incompetent she can't complete proper paperwork.  Mine fighting like hell to keep status quo (70/30) and is a capable Mom without any black marks that will show up in court.  

Seems the only Dads that win 50/50 IN court have ex's who have proven to be pathetic parents.  If all else fails I am going to propose to the judge that child support NOT be changed if my timeshare increases significantly.  That way she can't play the "it's all about the money" card.  Can't really afford it but then again how do you put a price on more time with two sons

Hey Dad in Ca,

Checking in to see how it went in court June 21
My 50/50 hearing now scheduled for mid-July

San Diego Dad

Yep, pure poppycock but that's what happens when you're dealing with a control freak.  Only people that win at this game are the attys....just one more reason for them to exchange letters and rack up the big bucks...

Current parenting plan reads, "children shall spend an equal number of days with each parent during the winter, spring and summer breaks from school"

Ex now claiming that days = days  NOT overnights !!

Isn't this standard "language" for defining how to do equal split of time during summer/school breaks for parents with joint custody?