Messages

How do you think it's going to affect your son to show him that he is more important to you than his sisters? What kind of a person do you want him to grow up to be?

If you have been fighting for your kids for ten years, then why are you so willing to sit there now and say, well she won't let the other daughter live with me, so that's the way it's going to be? Why don't you try asking a judge if he/she is going to keep custody of one sister with the mother who is willing to throw the other sister out like the trash? That says a lot about her as a parent.

BM told the judge that she has no problem giving dh joint physical custody, so the judge said good, then that's how it will be. Our atty is to draft the order in the next few days, and have the judge sign it. They still have mediation scheduled next week to work out all the kinks. This is HUGE for us!

The hardest thing was holding back from bringing up all the wacked-out stuff bm has done. DH had to convince the judge that he believes they can work together on this and respect each other and get along. Now, if they can't get along, and end up back in court, there will be no joint custody. Listening the cases before ours was very encouraging, knowing that dh will always have the same judge if they go back. We watched her award sole physical custody to a man because his soon to be ex wife was messing with his visitation. We also heard her tell a couple that were requesting joint physical custody that both parties must be commited to keeping the kids in the same school.

BM also requested that she be allowed to take the kids to Alaska for Xmas, and the judge told her (just as dh had) that she could do that after Xmas. They have a lot of tradition here in MN, and they can work out their future holiday schedule in mediation.

Now we have to figure out how to pay our atty, but I think my dh will be smiling when he writes the check this time, because he has finally seen that this whole thing did him and his kids some good.

If she is unstable, I would be very concerned about her having custody. One thing our atty had suggested when my dh was trying to get custody changed is this: He would have sole physical custody, but with equally shared parenting time. BM's parenting time every other week would be conditioned on the kids keeping up their schoolwork and getting to their after school activities.

I think having the kids go back and forth every day or every other day is very confusing for them, depending on their age and maturity level. Even a half-week at a time would be better than that, so at least they can settle in some before switching back.

We are now starting a one week at a time schedule. I'm sure dh will still be picking the kids up for their activities most of the time because bm doesn't want to be inconvenienced by them.

Also, you will need to make sure that she is commited to keeping the kids in the same school, so if she moves again she will have to provide transportation for them.

Shared physical custody doesn't mean power to sign papers regarding schools and medical treatment. That is just a lie. Joint legal custody would give her somewhat a say in those things, but as many people have found out the hard way, doesn't mean much. Physical custody means physically having the child in your care and control. Are you talking about the mother having physical custody, or the grandmother? It's hard to understand what you are saying. The mother can't physical have the child in her care when she's in jail, so she should not have physical custody. If you are married to the child's father, I believe you would have the right to sign for medical treatment and school issues when your husband is out of town.

However, if your husband is often out town on business and would be spending very little time with his son, that's something the court is going to consider when deciding on custody.

You need to get the custody legally changed. I would start by presenting her with an agreement, try to get her to sign it (notorized of course) and file it with the court yourself. Do not address the child support issue in it. Then, once you get a judge to order custody change, ask for cs to be reviewed. If she will not sign order, then you'll have to take her to court to get the custody changed based on the fact that sd has been "integrated into your home" and is living in your home with her consent. Be sure to document everything in case she comes back and says that she did not consent to this.

BM called dh today and told him she wants to go to week to week schedule right away and wants him to take the kids next week. She is changing the busses back tomorrow. It seems her new bf who she is "probably going to marry" is being shipped to Iraq for a year and next week is the last time she will be able to spend with him. Whatever--that's none of my bus, but when dh asked if that was okay with me, I said heck yeah! This is what he wants (kind of) and what the kids want, so if the bus issue is solved there is no reason not to. We are still planning for court next week, but this makes it even better. If this is already the arrangement and she has agreed to it, there is no reason for the judge not to order it. Even better, she might just think everything is all solved and not show up for court at all.
So that was great news, but then when dh stopped there to talk to the kids (the phone is disconnected, so he can't call their house.) she told him she is taking the kids to AK for Xmas. He has been over this with her before and told her she can't. The other day she said she can't get the tickets anyway, now her mom wants to buy the tickets for her. Sorry it's not up to Grandma where the kids go for Xmas, that's what I told dh. If it were up to Grandma, his mom would not let them go because she wants to see them too. These people new they were leaving their family behind when they moved up there (and it was after the dh and bm separated) so if they want to see their grandkids so bad on Xmas they should come here. Otherwise, they can go the day after Xmas and stay for a week. I hope this issue doesn't wreck everything else.

I think you should try to get those kids out of that house. So I was right that sm treats your daughter better and that's why she doesn't want to leave. Well, I would be very concerned about the way they are teaching her to treat other people. Your ex's marriage is his problem. If he doesn't care enough about his kids to have them in a loving home where they feel safe, then somebody should (you.) File for a custody modification for all of them. I think you would be perfectly justified in trying to get your daughter out of a home where your sons (her brothers) are being mentally and verbally abused. If she doesn't have a problem with the way her brothers are being treated, tell her that she should.

I wish you luck.

That is a total invasion of privacy. What a jerk! Then he gives them a guilt trip for having feelings? They weren't writing those journals to hurt him, they were doing it to get things off their chest.

I understand your daughter doesn't want to hurt her dad. No child wants to choose between two parents they love. Also, chances are, I'm guessing, the sm treats the girl better than the boys too. I would tell her that you are making the decision based on what YOU think is best for the kids, and not asking her to make the decision. Let her know that you do not want to hurt her, but you would prefer to keep everyone together. Have you tried talking to your ex about how abusive sm is to the kids? Doesn't he care how miserable his kids are?

That's a great idea about sending money to the atty. Most of my family only gives gifts to the children though.
Also, dh's divorce decree states that they must go to mediation to resolve any disputes. Therefore, if she will go he has to try that first. If they can't come to an agreement, then they will end up going through the whole ordeal.
His atty is on vacation this week. Dh spoke to his assistant and was told that unless she notifies them in writing like the letter said, they are still going to court. BM thinks it will make him look foolish that they are in court when she stands there and says she is willing to go to mediation. Legal asst said no, it will make her look foolish that she couldn't follow these simple instructions and send them written notice.

DH has court on the 10th. BM really does not want to go. She is trying everything she can to avoid it. They are working on setting up mediation to come to an agreement about joint custody. I'm thinking if they went to court, dh would have a good chance of getting custody and almost want to just go for it. We really can't afford it though. We are so overextended--financially, physically, and emotionally. She told the kids yesterday that she does want to give him joint custody, and asked them when they want to start going week to week. Of course they said right away, they've wanted this for years for crying out loud! But she has made it impossible to get to school from here. She is calling the bus company on Thurs (that's the first day she will have time to make this phone call-yeah right) to find out if they can take one bus one week and another bus the next week. I already know what the answer to that is going to be. Why can't she just get her lazy but out of bed in the morning? She doesn't even get up to make sure they are dressed and eating breakfast before school. SD leaves for school about an hour before ss, so then he is all alone in the morning.

Also, we just found out that her new bf lives with someone that has wolves as pets. The wolves don't like children, and think they are food, so when ss goes there to visit, he has to be carried in so the wolves don't get him. Nice huh?