Messages

I totally agree with the moderator.  You DO want and need an attorney.  And given what she said about the judges in MA, sounds like a rough hail.

I personally get frustrated by the legal system, in that one has to have major bucks to get some very basic justice done in court...my own pet peeve. 

I have been to court a lot, and it still terrifies me...some of the judges I have had are very considerate and patient with those who are prose...(and I admit, most of those are very well prepared and seem fairly court seasoned), but some judges are sticklers with their little speech at the beg of session that everyone should have an attorney.

I just think...if a person really cannot afford an attorney...no one to borrow the money from, etc., and there are basic rights being denied...go for it, but also take the time to sit in on court cases being heard, take time to research and really prepare.  At the very least, hire a paralegal to do the paperwork for you, and hire an attorney for the tough work...speaking for you in court.  At the very very least, hire an attorney for one hour to get tips.

But in the end, in your case, scramble best you can to get an attorney since you've gotten word of a bad rap on judges towards dads in MA!

What has been the court ordered visitation schedule, and custody orders?  Also, what state do you live in? 

Do you pay child support?  If so, can you find out through them where the checks are going?

That is great news!!!  Hopefully mom will eventually grow up and develop more respect for the dads role in his daughters life.

Dear poster,

Sorry if I gave wrong info. about what state has jurisdiction.

I would think another thing dad could do is when he files papers, as part of his case that previous to this new bf, that he and daughter have had a wonderful relationship.  Perhaps family members, even though it may be considered hearsay, could write succinct letters stating their observations of the relationship up until now...and be put in the order as attachments to dads written declaration.

PS.  If dad does take child to a hotel, that would be an adventure for a two year old.  Perhaps you could call before bedtime to "tuck him in".  Give dad a chance to pick out a decent hotel.  Just because its cheap doesn't have to mean its slimey.  And, if your really concerned about it, chip in $20-30 bucks so dad can get a nicer hotel, maybe even with a indoor pool.  That would be FUN and child would love it.

I got a little confused as the posters' user name changed midstream?  So lost a bit there.

What I noticed in your original posts was that you are concerned about dad having overnights with the two year old, right?  And I am not sure why.  I didn't hear anything about how the child has adjusted when with dad, etc.  THAT is the point. 

Our daughter DID get put on a accelerated (I guess now called stepped up plan) visitation plan.  When it happened she was between one and two years of age and going through seperation anxiety.  The next time dad took me to court, the mediator who had made the original acceleration, said he believed that daughter had been traumatised.  So he stepped back the plan a bit...for about two months, and then it way stepped up again.  To be honest, now daughter hates her father.  No one can figure out why.  I am not sure why.  But he did take me to court over 20 times in a six year period of time, and would tell child he was going to court.  My situation is a bit unique...the father has done some very weird things with our child over a period of years, and I think she generally feels uncomfortable with him.  Her trust is broken.

Back to you...I know each county is different.  I do know I have heard from other moms' in my county that the stepped up plan is worse than ever here.  It does not account for where the child is at developmentally, does not allow for acceptable adjustment.  I believe, unless the parents really get a long  well (if they did why would they be in court?), that it is a very harsh system for the very young children.

Having said that, weigh out your available options before taking things to court for modification.  Frankly, these days, your lucky you got an agreement that dad have no overnights until the age of two.

I don't know the reasons, your history here, so can't advice much about possible prospects in court.  Who moved away?  If you are the one who moved away, that could be perceived as thwarting dads' relationship with his child.  If dad moved away, thats a different story.  Then you MAY (not really having the information) make a case that dad consistently did not utilize the visitation awarded him.  As a result the child is not bonded enough (you feel) to have overnights right away.  You are requesting that dad be consistent in his visits for a specific period of time, that its in the childs best interests to have the stability and routine to make the transition to overnights.

Having said all that, IF that were even to work, and you were granted a reprieve until dad is more bonded with the child...you are now in the court system.  The mediator will ask you and dad if either of you wishes the case to be continued.  Or they may recommend that anyway.  If dad says yes, you are wrapped up in court every 5 to 6 months each time with an increase in toddlers visitation timel.

Another option I would consider, as well as those of others...is to offer dad to come to your home to spend the night, pack up and go to a friends or moms' or whomevers', to spend the night.   I think thats the most compassionate thing you could do for the child, and it will show dad you are invested in fostering their relationship.  Child stays in his familiar environment, etc.  Dad of course, doesn't HAVE to do this...but it will save him money, and hopefully relieve many anxieties.

I would do everything you can to stay out of court. 

If I were you I would take the time to go to the courthouse and ask the clerk if your case is on file.  Maybe it didn't get served correctly or something.

I have been in court too many times, and there are always folks representing themselves.  Your case is simple, mom is denying you visitation time.  Do you already have any court orders regarding custody and visitation?  If so, what are they?

When was the domestic violence charge?  Did that come up in a custody court setting?  Is it in any custody orders?

You say you live in Mass.  Where do the kids live?  Did you move away?

It helps a lot to lay out the general history to get good answers.

The only advice I have is when you do represent yourself
1.  Keep the focus of your statements about your relationship with the kids and what you think is in the kids' best interests.
2.  If/when the judge or your ex brings up the battery charge, or whatever, just stay calm and stick to the facts...such and such happened, it was dropped.  BUT, I would add in there that you know it was wrong and you would never do that again
(It was wrong in the eyes of the court as it is always domestic violence to lay your hands on someone when its not welcomed, that your kids were present for this does not look good either).  So mop up big time.

OK,  this is my meager understanding of the law.  Mind you,  I wanted to move myself and my baby, and was very afraid to.  Unequivacle legal advice I got was that the father could file papers to order the baby returned...and though it would be a crap shoot, I would face a better than likely prospect of having to return to CA with baby, find a new place to rent, job, etc.

For clarification on a few points, if you were not married, and NO CUSTODY AND VISITATION ORDERS EXIST, then you first you just got to get the DNA test done ASAP.  If you are determined the father, then you file immediately for the return of the baby to the childs state of jurisdiction.

Second, the state the child was born in is the state where court will happen.  UNLESS, mom keeps the baby in FLA for however many months...its diff for each state.  You can google that kind of info pretty easily.  For the present, lets pretend its six months.  Mom needs to have mail sent to her, have established herself a home, etc., to declare that as babies new state.  If she stays there the six months, uncontested, then that is the childs home state where if/when you go to court for custody and visitation, you have to go to that state, their local county, each time for court appearances.  Thats why you need to get the DNA cleared and submit the orders as quickly as you possibly can.

My understanding, and I may be wrong...let your attorney tell you...is this is not kidnapping.  At this point you have no legal standing with the child as you have not been declared the father.  If you had been married to the mother when the child was born, you would automatically be put on the birth certificate as the father and not having to prove your standing as a father.  But that is  not the case here.  Here, you have to prove you are the father.  Therefore, its not kidnapping.

While waiting for the DNA test, start taking notes and building your case, not focusing so much on the mom, but focus on your desire to be a father, that you want to be a consistent and regular part of the childs entire life, from birth throughout, help with school, regular visitation time if not 50/50.

Personally, I don't get why attorneys always request way over and above what is realistic.  I'm sure judges are used to it, but I can't help but wonder if one would come across as more sincere and real, in the presentation to the judge.  After all, you would not want a baby to all of a sudden have full custody with you after having had all this time with mom.  That would be very harmful to the baby.  I would not state you desire that.  I would state what I suggested above, and that your goal is to have a graduated schedule with the child that grows to 50/50 shared time.

To Gemini,

I don't think he said his visitation is supervised.

To Armydad, details are left out to understand what happened...or maybe just a biased judge.  How different is what go got from Kansas guidelines?  what did you ask for?  One thing you could have done differently, and perhaps you did elsewhere, is to ask for advice way before the court date.  I would have suggested you request mom be held in contempt of the court order for denying you visitation, and again, for removing the child so that you had no idea of her whereabouts.

I don't know the law a lot, so I don't know if you can do that the next time, or if that would look stupid.

Next time in court, be prepared; a few stray suggestions;
Ask for joint legal and physical custody.
Insist that you maintain the weekly visits in addition to the overnights.  The child is now around two years old? 

This go round, do not allow mom to deny you visitation.  Show up every single time, no matter what, and if she refuses visitation, call the police to document her no show.  Keep a record in your glove compartment of times and dates.

A few things in our court order as a attachment, are here; (if you have or request joint legal custody I would be happy to post many other items on the list)

Each parent shall notify the other parent if the parent plans to change the residence of the child for more than 30 days unless there is a prior written agreement to the removal.  The notice shall be given before the contemplated move, by mail, return receipt requested, postage prepaid to the last known address of the other parent to be notified a minimum of 45 days before the proposed change of residence.

Each parent is to provide the other parent with the address and telephone number at which the child resides, and to notify the other parent immediately of any changes of address or telephone numbers.

Each parent is to provide the other parent with travel itinerary and, whenever reasonably possible, telephone numbers at which the child can be reached, whenever the child will be away from the party's home for a period of five days or more.

Each parent shall be entitled to reasonable telephonic communication with the child.  Each parent is restrained from unreasonably interfering with the child's rights to privacy during such telephone conversations.  The child may call either parent at any reasonable time.

The parents will consult with one another regarding the selection of health care providers and counselors.  Both parents may discuss the results of appointments with health care providers and/or counselors.

Each parent shall be empowered to obtain emergency health care for the child without the consent of the other parent and will immediately notify the other parent of that emergency.

Both parents shall have the right to set appointments with teachers and/or school officials at any time.

Neither parent shall schedule activities for the minor extending into or during the other parent's confirmed custodial periods without the express written permission of the other parent.  However, the other parent will give primary consideration to accomodate the needs of the minor, once permission for that activity has been given, that permission cannot be withdrawn.

*Also, I strongly encourage you to ask for a clause in the court order that has the receiving parent pick up the child.

*One good thing I got from attending coparent counseling is the use of emailing to exchange information about our childs well being, needs, if sick, etc.  It is MUCH better than talking on the phone, and it also gives you a paper trail if needed.  I would  go ahead and try to set up email communication with your ex specifically just about the child...not any personal issues.  If ex is uncooperative about communicating whats up with important stuff regarding the child...then when your court date comes around you can consider requesting a clause for the court order that both parents regularely confer regarding the well-being of _____ , preferably via email.