Messages

I was going to say something similar, but much better stated above.

My questions to you were also, did your ex get clinically diagnosed (stated better the above post as to what classifies that)?

Did you ex tell you she had had thoughts of wanting to kill the children herself?  When?  What was the context?  (I am also confused about how many children there are here -?)

If that was recent, can you calmly, in a good moment between you two, suggest to mom that you go to talk to a psychologist together?

I don't want to freak about that.  There are so many levels of where that could have come from and I would be remiss to even venture to say.  On the least level, your ex could be one of those people who easily self reveals whatever is going on (she does sound pretty honest about herself) and was simply admitting to a hard moment.

This may sound horrid, but my experience of raising my young one solo, and talking to many, many moms about feelings, watching interviews on Oprah...(and I had a very positive experience parenting my young one) is that every mom fantasizes about hurting or killing her children, esp when they hear that cry when they are exhausted and trying to sleep.  Mom's don't do it, they know its irrational, they love their children...its a totally natural and not talked about publically feeling.  My understanding from one Oprah show, its only when a woman has post partum psychosis that they do actually kill their children.

The other end of the extreme is IF your ex truly has a significant mental illness, major disruptions with her hormones, etc., it would be very good for her to talk to a clinical psychologist (PHD) to discuss these feelings and see what that person has to say.

Another question, is mom still taking the hormone therapy?  Did she change it?  Does she have a good doctor who really works with her and her body around her  hormones?

The great news is your ex trusts you enough to share with you and be open.  That is very rare.  Similar to the last poster, again, I agree it is odd for something with Borderline personality disorder to be so honest and self-revealing.  While checking out the posted blogs, reading books, etc. to get help setting healthy boundries for yourself, I would suggest keeping the lines of communication open.  Irregardless of what you do legally, be careful to not threaten mom, I wouldn't even mention legal stuff until you are actually ready to serve her and then you may want to give her a thumbs up just prior to that.

In the meantime, since she is clear she is troubled and needs help, try to do whatever it takes to get her to see a clinical psychologist (if she hasn't already)...or, get a second opinion.  She needs therapy, treatment, medical help if necessary or available...support her in getting help so that you also get the knowledge you need of what is really going on with her.

Thats my advice.  If you jump into a court battle asking for sole, supervised visits, etc., without really knowing what your dealing with here....you could easily fall flat on your face.

One more question, how many and how old are your children?

AND, after so many years of marriage, how did you wind up with so little visitation time?  Did you just agree on that upfront or was that ordered after you had asked for more?  It seems like very little time.

Thanks, hope you answer our questions so you can get help.

In your shoes, I would get on the phone and start networking for some of the best family law attorneys.  Thats how I found mine...after getting the same referral for the same bunch of attorneys, I knew I had hit on some good attorneys.

Then call those attorneys and see if you can get a free half hour, or see if they may answer one or two questions over the phone.  Ask them who are the best two or three evaluators in your area..the attorneys are the only way you will find out.  Ask if there are any bias's the evaluator ex's attorney is recommending have shown up.  They may be unwilling to go there.

AT the very least, to get some legal help, you should fork out the money for a one hour session with one of the very good attorneys.  I did that once and it helped me immensely with a upcoming custody evaluation...I did it all on my own until it came time for the settlement conference...then I hired a attorney to help me.

I agree with the above feedback...there is a major assumption she has borderline...there is zero proof and it could make you look bad.  Also, not to be discouraging, but I am absolutely positive my ex has some kind of mental issue...I also think probably borderline personality...yet we took the MMPI and 11, and the Roshark, and nothing showed up except mild paranoia and a tendency to hide things.

Also, be careful.  You are not even married, even if you were, these are HIS children...so if  your fiance does go through a custody evaluation, I would  completely hold back with your judgements and opinions.  Stick with answering the evaluators questions, IF you should even be asked any.

If no custody or visitation was ordered, its not kidnapping.  They were not married so father does not automatically have rights until he or someone files for them.  He is just now taking the DNA test to determine his parentage.

dad, if mom keeps the child in FL long enough to declare FL the childs homestate, then the child can stay and live there.  It is totally unclear in your post what legal proceedings have taken  place, when, etc., and what is the next legal step.

I assume you've taken the DNA test?  You need to file papers immediately for custody and visitation, and state that you oppose moms' moving the child to FL.  State your desire and the childs need to have his father in his life on a regular basis, and that you want the court to order mom to return the child to your state.  If you can't afford an attorney, go down to your local courthouse, get the right forms, fill them out.  Type up, double spaced, a page stating the above, and serve the papers.  The court house cannot give advice but they will grumbling tell you what you have to do next (how many copies you have to make, how to serve the papers).

If you haven't been served yet for custody and visitation (unclear) YOU serve HER, ASAP.  Worry about an attorney later.

Also, many court houses have a family law facilitator you can consult one time for free.  She/he will help you not only write up your personal declaration, but tell you how or set you up with the right forms.

WorriedinMD,

Its true, much depends on the judge, but if the process there is similar to CA's laws...here when we attend mediation the mediator writes a report that gets submitted to your attorneys', and the judge.  There should be a court date coming up very soon?

In our case, when the mediator submits his recommendations...it is counted very heavily by the judge.  Of course, both of you can still argue your case, but say the mediator recommends joint legal and physical...it will be quite hard for an attorney to convince the judge otherwise (it did happen twice in my case...but different history).  So when I go to court, I try to make my best appearance and case to the mediator...knowing he is the link to the judge.

I am not sure why you are focusing your energy on mom's income unless your court date lops custody with child support.  If they are kept separate, then I would leave moms' income alone.  I would try not to bad mouth her at all...I'm not hearing any neglect or serious parenting issues...and the judges get so sick of hearing bickering about the other parent.

Keep your focus on your child, why its in HIS best interests to continue with the status quo.  You absolutely should get joint legal and physical and your attorney should fight tooth and nail for that if the recommendation doesn't recommend it.  Keep the focus on the child.

Personally, I think it would be horrid to significantly change a toddlers' pre-existing schedule IF, he has adjusted well, and seems like a relatively happy, balanced child.

Thats all just my opinion.  Thanks