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Topics - kaylene99

#1
I must be getting old because I have posted about this before and don't remember what was said on the responses I got.  Worse, it was a long time ago and I can't find the post on here anymore.  Grrr!

So, here I go again.  Husband's CS order was done in State A.  He was supposed to pay court-ordered child support through a CS Receiver's (not Enforcement) Office.  The CS Receiver's Office does an allotment (not court-ordered deduction or whatever the correct term is) from his paycheck.  To make a long story short, ex wife was in the process of moving at the time and could not provide husband with a bank account number.  He needed this to set up the payment with the CS Receiver's Office.  So, he ended up paying her directly with checks and a couple of wire transfers.  She was actually in favor of this at the time.  All checks were noted with "For child support" and they were all cashed.  We sent copies of cashed checks and wire transfer records to CS Receiver's Office and they added a notation on his account regarding these.   Back then, his account showed that he's in arrearage for the timeframe that he should have been paying through their office but was paying ex wife directly instead.  

We were told by the CS Receiver's Office that they do not deal with arrearages -- they don't report it, they don't collect it, they don't do anything.  If CS is owed, it is up to payee to collect it via a legal process.
They also won't correct the wrong arrearage record on their system because that has to be dealt with legally.

The CS order was done in State A and both parties now live in State B.  Two kids are involved.  When Kid 1 turns 18 or graduates from high school or emancipates, support for that kid is supposed to end according to the CS order.  What is your advice in best handling the change in CS amount that ex wife receives?

Would you:
    (1) Send a certified letter to ex wife referencing change of CS amount according to the CS order as soon as Kid 1 turns 18 or graduates high school or emancipates.  Inform her that according to the CS order, husband will make a change in the CS amount. THEN change the allotment getting drawn from his paycheck.  
     PRO:  No legal costs involved.  Both parties working together.
     CON:  May have legal repercussion on husband's part.  He may have arrearages incorrectly recorded on his CS account although, in reality, he's current and up-to-date.

    (2) Modify CS order through legal course by registering CS order from State A in State B, hiring a lawyer in State B to handle CS change which will then prompt ex wife to hire a lawyer for herself to make sure that she doesn't get the short end of the stick.
     PRO:  Matter is taken care of legally.
     CON:  Both parties will spend huge $$$ to settle matter legally.

So, what would you do if you are in my husband's shoes?  Are there any other holes to this situation that we are failing to see?

Thanks for your response!!!



#2
Child Support Issues / Is it worth it?
Jun 22, 2004, 02:15:56 PM
Hi,

It's been a while since I've posted here.  I hope everyone's doing well.

Well, I wanted to know what you guys think of our situation.  Hubby's in the military and was recently promoted.  Ex-wife found out about it.  We don't know if she's going for child support increase but I wouldn't be surprised.  

Their divorce order was done in a different state.  We're all in FL now.  Furthermore, hubby's has been doing 100% of transportation for visits with kids (2) and doesn't get to claim them on his income tax at all.
Since the divorce, she has moved the kids further away numerous times and hubby still shoulders 100% of transportation just to see them.

If she'll go after a child support increase, that's fine with us.  We're all for what's fair and, if she's entitled to one, then good for her.  I did a quick calculation and, if anything, she'll get about $100/month.  If she does bring up a lawsuit though, we will petition court to grant meeting halfway for every visitation (since she's the one who keeps on moving) and alternate claiming the children (or divide) for tax purposes.  What do you think are our chances in getting these granted?

Right now, instead of handing her that extra $100, we are using it towards our and the kids' transportation expenses.  Airfare alone is worth more than $100/month!  Ex-wife has been unwilling to meet halfway even after we offered to pay for her rental car and gas.

Any thought or idea is certainly welcome.

Thanks!





#3
Dear Socrateaser / Stipulated agreement
Nov 17, 2006, 10:52:29 AM
Hi Soc,

Hope all is well with you.  A few questions:

1. When does a stipulated agreement between parties override a court order?

2. Any suggestions on how to intelligently draw up and enforce a stipulated agreement?

3. When does a court recognize or honor a stipulated agreement?  Is there a specific process that parties must follow?

Thanks for your help!
#4
Dear Socrateaser / In anticipation....
Aug 22, 2006, 08:49:52 AM
Hi Soc,

My husband is an active duty military member stationed in GA.  His divorce was done in GA.  We live in FL and so do the kids and the ex wife.  There is a chance that his next duty station will be in CA.  Nothing is 100% certain at this point, but I'm starting to anticipate what this change is going to bring about with regard to ex wife and the kids.

1. Child support from GA was never modified so it still stands as originally ordered.  If the ex wife chooses to modify that once we moved to CA, who holds the jurisdiction?  Will CS be based on CA or FL law?  I know nothing about CA law.

2. The current/orig divorce order states that husband is responsible for 100% of transportation (which he fulfills).  Unfortunately, this order was not modified when ex wife moved from GA to FL.  Am I correct to assume that, since he will be the moving party this time, he will continue to be 100% responsible for the kids' transportation during his time with them?  Any chance the court will favor a 60-40 or 70-30 split?

3. Ex wife wanted to relocate minor kids outside of the country before.  Husband fought and won against it.  If ex wife decides to re-litigate that issue on the ground of husband moving to a different state, what are her chances of winning?  How can we successfully prevent such relocation of minor kids in this situation?  The way I look at it, we will have even LESS time with them moving from FL to CA -- and even LESS than that if they are allowed to move to a different country.

That's it for my questions for now.  I'm sure I'll have more later.  Thanks again for all your help!

#5
Dear Socrateaser / Stipulated agreement
Mar 24, 2006, 04:42:08 AM
Hi Soc,

Hope you're having fun with your vacation.  I would love to hear from you as soon as you get back (or get another chance to be near a computer :-)).

We may be in a situation where we need to write up a stipulated agreement.  Having no experience with it, I'll take a stab and have you review and dice later if you don't mind.

Anyway, my questions are:

1.) Does the stipulated agreement need to be filed in court and signed by a judge before it can be enforceable?

2.) How fast/slow of a process is it to have a judge sign a stipulated agreement?

3.) Do we file in the county where the children are or where the father is?

4.) Can the parties sign the stipulated agreement in front of a notary (instead of lawyers) and have that binding in court?

5.) Is a stipulated agreement valid without a judge's signature and without it being filed in court?  How can that be enforced?

I'm sure I'll have more questions later.  I ask for your patience. :-)

Thanks!
#6
Dear Socrateaser / HELP! SS is failing school
Feb 07, 2006, 02:21:22 PM
Hi Soc,
I posted about this in detail on the Second Families board.  I'll give you the short version for your opinion/advise from a legal standpoint.

My stepson is failing 7th grade.  On top of that, he is exhibiting such defiant and disrespectful behavior towards his parents/stepparents and I'm assuming other adults as well.  Ex wife is at her wits' end and would like for stepson to live with his father TEMPORARILY -- until this school year is over.  My husband is on active duty military and will go back to sea deployment early next year.  

Questions are:

1. What is your professional and personal take on temporary arrangements like this?  How beneficial or detrimental is this for my stepson?


2. If husband goes for this temporary arrangement, what is your best advice for him legally on how to handle child support and visitation (with none or very minimum court costs involved)?  Per divorce order, he is to do 100% of travel.  Stepkids currently live 6 hours away.

3. Without hiring lawyers and going to court, can husband and ex wife draw up an agreement over details of this TEMPORARY arrangement, have it notarized and honored by the courts?  Would you recommend this path?

4. Boarding/specialty/military school was brought up in a past conversation between husband and ex wife.  We know that costs lots of $$$ which we probably don't have.  But, if this is what would work for stepson, how would you advise us to handle this so costs is equally divided between the two households?

5. If #4 happens, won't there be a change in child support?  What is the best way to handle that?

6. Stepson is currently seeing a psychotherapist according to his mother.  How much does the court value a psychotherapist's findings or recommendation when it comes to custody changes?  Is a custody change possible given that father is on military active duty?








#7
Dear Socrateaser / Change of custody
Nov 11, 2005, 02:17:08 PM
Soc,

SS is not doing too well in school.  Recent report card shows Cs, Ds and Fs.  CP and NCP had a long discussion to where NCP proposed for SS to live with NCP.  CP did not provide an answer.  State is FL.  SS barely passed last year and it' s looking like that might happen again this school year.  Worse, SS might even fail this grade.

Questions are:

1) Does SS failing in school like that constitute a change of custody?  

2) What is NCP's burden of proof here?  

3) Can NCP submit a proposal in court to temporarily change custody for SS due to the situation and the fact that CP lacks the skills and abilities to help SS with school?  CP admits reliance on SS to report what schoolwork he has done and completed.

4) SS and SD are normally home alone after school.  We suspect they are also left home alone on weekdays without school because CP and spouse are working.  There really is no direct supervision/guidance regarding schoolwork.  How can NCP best demonstrate that in support of changing custody?

5) Should NCP wait until SS fails the grade before taking any action here?  What would you recommend?

Thanks a million!

#8
Dear Socrateaser / Child support question
Oct 23, 2005, 08:45:50 AM
Soc,
If the NCP's salary increased, does this mean the CS should automatically be re-calculated for an increase even though CP's not asking for it?  If CP eventually asks for it, will there be retroactive payments involved?  Original CS order done in GA but all parties are in FL now.  CS order has not be registered in FL.

Thanks for your advice.
#9
Dear Socrateaser / What to do?
May 17, 2005, 10:03:09 AM
Hi soc,

Need your help and advice on this one.

Husband and ex-wife were ordered in 2001 to attend a mediation which they both did.  Basically, the arrangement agreed upon by both parties in that mediation is for husband to have the kids 2 weekends a month (this is in addition to holidays he should have with the kids as outlined in their divorce order).  He will arrange for their roundtrip flight one weekend and, for the other weekend, he will pick the kids up from their residence and ex-wife is to pick them up from our residence with husband giving her $35 for her car rental fee.  She made a sobbing story of how she drives an old, unreliable car which will not make it to our residence (what a lie!).  Anyway, we agreed to the $35 which is really a small fee in exchange for more time with the kids.

Husband tried to fully abide by this mediation order in the past with the ex-wife not doing her end of the deal past a couple of times.  Every weekend that husband proposed that they "share" the travel per mediation order, ex-wife countered with it not being a good weekend,  her husband is working and she doesn't want to drive alone, blah, blah, blah!  Since we can't afford the kids' roundtrip flight two weekends a month, we resorted to what we could afford which was one weekend a month.  

Due to recent events involving kids' poor school grades and stepson's disrespectful attitude and behavior towards husband (which really is just his way of asking for more time spent with Dad), we realized that it was a mistake not holding ex-wife down to the visitation and mediation orders that give us more time with the kids.

How can husband effectively encourage ex-wife to abide by the mediation order?  This is almost a funny question to ask since we know she will just make all kinds of excuses and effectively resist.  Another question is this:  the mediation order was done in County A but we live in County B and ex-wife lives in County C.  Which county should we file contempt of court in?  Could we register mediation order from County A to County C?

Last but certainly not the least, could you help us with the wording or phrasing as far as encouraging the ex-wife to abide by the mediation order?  We want to be direct-to-the-point without sounding threatening.

Thank you, soc!
#10
Dear Socrateaser / What to do..... what to do.
Feb 04, 2005, 02:47:42 PM
Hi soc,
Hope all is great on your end.  It's been a while but here I go again with some questions I hope you can help me with.

You may remember our situation: Hubby's ex-wife married a European guy.  They tried to relocate kids outside of the country.  We fought and judge ruled ex-wife can't take kids out of the country.  Went back to court a couple of times since then because ex-wife wants to "vacation" with the kids outside of the country.  Hubby practically offered for her to travel with one kid while the other stays with us.  She took her chance to court where hubby told judge of the same offer.  Judge agreed and ex-wife was able to travel with each kid on 2 separate occasions.  Currently, we have one kid's passport while she has the other's.

Fast forward to now.  Ex-wife informed hubby that kids' passports are up for renewal this year and she would like to know his plans for that (haha-- like we are planning to leave the country any time soon).   She quickly added that she would like to take BOTH kids to a few family vacations and we are, of course, assuming she meant OUTSIDE OF THE COUNTRY.

The thing is, this woman moved the kids numerous times away from us.  They currently live about 6 hours away and, regardless of how many times husband asked and practically begged for her to consider meeting halfway to facilitate more contact with the kids, she always refuse or ignore the situation.   Going back to court to modify order will only costs so much $$$ and we were hoping to work this out outside of court but, so far, we are out of luck......Hubby continues to shoulder 100% of transportation and we are making the best of what we can afford and do in that regard.

Hubby and I haven't fully discussed this latest update.  I think he is inclined to show good faith by allowing both kids to travel with ex-wife outside of the country but I think that's still a very dangerous ground.  For the sake of the kids, we do want a peaceful relationship with the ex-wife but I don't think that means giving in to her every demand.  I am instantly thinking of having them post a bond but I doubt that they have the $$$.  In lieu of that, is there anything else we can do to protect our relationship with the kids?  Can we even go as far as having her sign an agreement that she will return both of the kids at a specified date or child support is automatically terminated and custody is automatically reversed.  The biggest concern here is enforceability in the country she's going to.  I seriously doubt that these agreements will mean anything if they are not going to be recognized and enforced by the other country.

So, soc, what can you advise us to do at this point?  Ex-wife said she wants to open up the lines of communication regarding her request.  Funny how she's so willing to talk when she wants something and always manages to ignore/avoid the "meeting halfway" discussion but we will certainly bring that to the table again.

Thanks and looking forward to your wise advice as always.




#11
Hi soc,

It's me again so I hope you don't mind. :)

In order to transfer or register a case (child support, visitation, divorce) from one state to another, does the petitioner need to appear in person at the original court?  Or, is this easily handled by his or her lawyer?
How is this transfer/registration usually done and will the other party be informed or given a chance to oppose or question such transfer?

Also, as far as jurisdiction goes, if all parties are now living in the new state, doesn't that mean that the old state has to relinquish jurisdiction?
By the way, hubby still works in the old state so does that mean the old state's guidelines still apply when it comes to child support modifications?   The cost of living in the new state is definitely higher than the old state.

Thank you as always!
#12
Dear Socrateaser / Staying home alone
Jul 13, 2004, 10:53:45 AM
Hi soc,

We currently have my stepkids for part of the summer.  Recently, in their quest for us to let them stay home alone rather than go to the caretaker we've arranged for them while we go to work, they both stated that they have been staying home alone after school.  The kids are 11 and 9 years old respectively.  I believe the elementary schools in their county end their day around 2 pm.  Their mother doesn't come home from work till 5:30 pm or so, so that leaves the kids home alone for 2-3 hours.

Ex-wife has not discussed this at all with my husband and impressed upon the kids that she doesn't like a lot of people knowing about this (hmm, I wonder why).  My husband had since brought up the issue with her and stated that, although he's a bit liberal on the topic, this is really something that she needs to discuss with him.  Of course, she denies that the kids are left home alone on a daily basis and that she's only left them once for an hour or so.

Anyway, I, on the other hand, am against leaving them home alone on a daily basis for any significant period of time (1 hour or more) at their current age.  I feel that having them attend an after-school care would be much better for them.  They used to attend an after-school program before so why change?  They are great kids but they do fight with each other physically so they still need adult supervision.

What are your thoughts on this?  We're not looking to take the mother back to court but I would like this legally documented somehow.   BTW, we are all in Florida.

Thanks as always for your insights/advice.
#13
Dear Socrateaser / Need your opinion/advice
Jun 23, 2004, 07:30:03 AM
Divorce and support orders were done in GA but all parties are now in FL.

Per support order, hubby is to pay CS thru allotment. At the time he was going to set this up, ex-wife was in the process of moving to FL. Hubby (my boyfriend at the time) was about to be deployed, too. They talked and he agreed to the move thinking it will benefit the kids (her getting a new job, living close to family members, etc). She then asked him if he could just send her checks because that's what's convenient for her at the time as she has not established a new bank account yet. On his behalf and while he was deployed, I sent her the checks noting "for child support" on every single one. When he came back from deployment and received a new bank account number from ex-wife, he set up the allotment and that's the way CS is paid eversince.

Anyway, due to that whole situation years ago, hubby's payment record shows an arrearage. We have sent the support receiver's office (not an enforcement office) copies of all cashed checks. They have put a notation on the payment record. In fact, hubby overpaid ex-wife!

Our concern is, when she does file for a CS increase, this arrearage will show up and hubby may be required to pay them all over again. Yes, he didn't follow what was on the decree at the time (big mistake!) due to both of their circumstances but he still did the right thing by sending her the CS timely.  I hope that will mean something to the court/judge when the time comes.

Soc, what would you advise for hubby to do at this time?  Should we wait till ex-wife files for a CS increase?  Is it to hubby's advantage to get payment record corrected by GA or by FL?

Thank you as always!
#14
Hello,

I know it's been a while since I've posted but I need your help once again.

My SS started 6th grade this year. Last year, we were already aware that he has problems with doing his homework and projects on time. Most of the time, he would end up not doing his work anyway because he argues that he missed the deadline and it won't count anyway.
My husband has tried his best talking with and working with him. But there's only so much we can do when we live 6 hours away and ex-wife's not willing to meet us halfway whatsoever (even though she's the one who kept moving them further and further away!). We cannot afford to put the kids on the plane every other weekend or do the 20 hours of driving because where's the quality time spent with the children on that?

Through my husband's email communication with his 6th grade teachers, we found out that, once again, he's not been doing his homework and projects. He has 3 Ds on his 1st progress report. His teachers acknowledge that he's a smart kid but he needs to complete his work and practice lessons at home. This is something that we all know too well but I don't know if the ex-wife really gets it.

I am soliciting your ideas on how could we help my SS more. My husband tried to talk with him yesterday over the phone and he just flat out said that he didn't want to talk about it.  That's an unacceptable behavior and a disrespectul thing for a child to say to his father!  

Anyway, thank you for whatever suggestion or idea you can provide.  Please pray for us all, too.




#15
Second Families / Chicago anyone?
Mar 23, 2007, 09:53:58 PM
Hi!
Wow..it's been a while since I've posted or visited this site.  I hope everyone's doing well. :-)

I'm going to cut through the chase and ask for advice/tips regarding CP relocation from Florida to Chicago.  Has anyone out there experienced this or have any knowledge regarding this?

My husband is the NCP.  CP is married and her husband "supposedly" got a job offer in Chicago that "doubles" his salary.  Both kids are in middle school.  My husband doesn't want to necessarily stop this move because he feels that it will enrich the kids' lives.  He just wants to see them as much as we see them now which is practically one weekend every month (wish it's more but it's hard when we do 100% of travel or pay for their airfare).  Our distance is 6 hours apart.

I know, I know.. this move will increase that distance.  However, CP mentioned that they will shoulder most of the travel costs since they are the ones increasing that distance.  We'll see.

My husband wants a LEGAL AGREEMENT to be drawn up with all the specifics and details that will then be filed to court.  I agree.  Aside from the visitation schedule and travel details, could you think of anything else that we should add to this legal agreement?  Adding a move-away clause can't be a bad thing.

Thanks in advance for any input.

#16
His latest report card shows Ds and Fs.  Prior to that, he had 1 C and the rest were Ds and Fs.  Husband and I are feeling so hopeless and helpless given the fact that we live more than 300 miles away.  Stepson is a smart kid but does not do nor turn in his homeworks.  That's the major complaint from the teachers.  Husband tried many times to help over the phone but not having the ability to physically check stepson's work made it very difficult.

I can't help but hold the ex wife accountable for most of this because I feel that she's not guiding or following through with stepson's academic life.  We doubt there's a structured routine involved in their household.  Not only do we see school problems, we have been noticing behavioral and disciplinary problems as well.  Ex wife also seems to be putting the blame on everyone/everything else but herself.  Nothing seems to be her fault.  The sad thing is, husband had asked her to let stepson live with us so that we could help him better but he never did get an answer on that.

At this point, I think stepson's on his way to repeating the 7th grade.  I really don't know what else could be done.  Do you guys have any advice?  Opinions?  One thing that the ex wife may potentially bring up is putting stepson in Sylvan Learning Center or the like.  But does that really solve the problem here?  Homeworks still need to be done and checked and she still has a huge part in that.  If she's not doing that now, then what's the likelihood she'll do it then?  If that's what would help stepson then we're all for it.  However, why can't his father get an opportunity to try and help him first before we resort to that?  You know what I mean?  I'm pretty sure Sylvan isn't cheap, anyway.

Ok, I'm done venting for the moment.  Please reply and let us know your opinions.  Thanks.
#17
Second Families / Savings account
Nov 15, 2005, 06:43:23 PM
Hi,

I am curious to know how many of you non-custodial stepparents have opened up a savings account for your stepkids.  How did the custodial parent take it?  What is your opinion on opening one for kids aged 12 and 10?

I opened up a savings account for each of my two stepkids (under their own names).  We talked to them about saving their money and they are both eager to have an account.  The thing is, I did not discuss this with their mom.  Their dad and I agree on teaching the kids about saving.  Do you think I overstepped the bounds here?  I personally don't.  

I am inclined to give their mother their ATM cards so that she can guide them with depositing and withdrawing money as appropriate.  I am the custodian of the account but their mom can deposit and withdraw with their ATM card.  Do you see a potential issue with this that would later make me say "I wish I didn't open a savings account for the kids!!!"?  Of course, since they are minors, I will encourage their mom to keep their ATM cards and not let them use it on their own.  That's just common sense.

Thank you for your advice/opinion in advance!
 



#18
Second Families / Problems with homework
Jan 27, 2005, 08:55:39 PM
Hi, once again, I am here to seek your opinions and advices.

One of my SS' teachers emailed hubby about SS not doing his assignments at all since returning from winter break.  This is not the first time such an issue was brought up to us.  His other teachers have emailed hubby before about the same thing.  

Sadly, the ex-wife's response is to always have a conference with the teachers and see what the school can do to better inform her of my SS' homeworks.  Hubby has discussed this matter with her  many, many times and offered great ideas such as taking away his privileges (play time, video games, etc.) until he completes his work to setting up a routine time at home for SS to do nothing else but homework and checking his work with him.  I don't know if such is happening and I wouldn't be surprised if it's not.  My opinion is that she puts all the blame on the school and does not put forth the time and effort to helping my SS.  Unfortunately, there is only so much we can do from a distance.  I wish the ex-wife didn't move the kids so far away but, as we all know, we can't control what the exes do.  From the very start, I knew that the move was selfish and would only hinder parenting and interaction with the kids.  

If you were on our shoes, what else could you do to help ensure that your kids are doing their homework on time?   My husband calls and always ask SS if he's done his school work and the response is a standard "Yes."   SS gives the ex-wife the "I've already done it in school and left it there" routine and she's okay with it.  That's not fine with us at all!  He either brings it home or he's going to do the work all over again!   This is so frustrating to us............

Please share any idea you may have on this.  I know we are not the only ones out there with this problem.

Thank you!
#19
Second Families / Am I too rough?
Jan 03, 2005, 07:37:30 AM
I hope everyone had a great holiday season! :)  It's been a while since I posted here but here's one.  PLEASE share your opinion/advice with me on this one because I need it.

In a recent conversation with the ex-wife, hubby mistakingly ended it with "Ok, love ya, bye!".  I was with him when this happened so I pointed out what he said.  He admitted that that was a huge slip-up and he was not in the right frame of mind ending that conversation like he was talking to me or the kids.  He was very worried that I will doubt him and his love and devotion but I honestly don't.  I actually laughed about it at first and I totally understand the slip-up.  It happened to me a few times before.  Fortunately, I was talking to friends and family so that was perfectly okay because I do love my family and friends (although I don't usually say it).  

So, I told him that he needed to call back and retract that phrase because we don't want the ex-wife thinking anything now, do we?  So, he did.  What he said on that 2nd phone call upset me.  He mentioned that I was in the car and I asked him what did he say to her (in a nasty tone).  The ex-wife apparently laughed and told him that she didn't want him to get beat up by me.  Then, he responded with "I probably will but don't worry about it.  We're good."  I guess they had a joking mood going on but I particularly didn't find that conversation funny.  I felt like I was made out to be the villain when I am not.  I wish he didn't mention me the way he did because it felt like I forced him to call back and make that correction and that I'm really bothered by what he said.  Am I really off track here?  I don't want to give that woman any more "ammunition"!  

All I really want is for hubby to pause and get in the right frame of mind before talking with that woman.  I told him that, unfortunately, we have to be very guarded with her because she's not after our well-being.  We can be civil and friendly to her without being her friends.  I don't think of her as a friend nor a family member or anything of that sort but I do act friendly and civil with her for the sake of the kids.  I asked hubby what he thought of her and he said that he thinks of her "like a family member" because of the kids.  I was shocked!  She may be the mother of their kids but the word "family" should not be attached to her in any way, shape or form because she really is not and she proves it time and time again.  She may have been at one point but that's over with.  I feel very disappointed that he regards her this way because she's not.  All she ever did was take advantage of him and give him all the misery in the world!!!  

Hubby promised that he will try his very best to not make stupid mistakes like that and that he will sound off to me before he even deals with her.  I told him that it's not realistic that I should be around with his every conversation with her and I will not be.  But, first and foremost, he needs to change his view of her, his attitude toward her and especially the way he communicates with her because things are different now.  Always be guarded against her because you never know what she will do or use against you.  I believe that once he gets this right on his head, he will be fine conversing with her.  I will also feel more comfortable that their conversation will be more focused on the kids and that he isn't sharing stuff he shouldn't be sharing.  

What do you think of this situation?  Do you think I'm making a mountain out of a moehill?  Am I being too rough on hubby?  Am I way out of line?  

Please advise.  Thanks.
#20
Second Families / Is it legal?
Jul 01, 2004, 01:43:23 PM
I stumbled upon an employment verification website and was wondering whether I should check up on PBFH's employment and salary.  Hmmm.
Is this legal? Somehow, I have a feeling it's not.  PBFH may be working on getting a CS increase and this will give us knowledge of how much she really makes.  She may be required to submit a financial affidavit after all and all of this might be a moot point.

What do you think?
#21
My husband and his ex wife agreed on splitting travel once a month which could be in the form of meeting halfway or splitting the kids' air travel cost.  This has happened 2x already.

The kids are supposed to be with us for a weekend this month.  However, ex wife now wants my husband to pay for 100% of their air travel.  She also does not want to split the kids' travel for Christmas when husband asked her.  Pretty much, she made up the rule that she will cooperate whenever she wants and that's it.  I bet this sounds familiar to most of you.

We hate to lose out on our time with the kids but being jerked around like this has gone on for too long.  This is not the first time she went back on her words or agreement.  Given that we're tired of this, do you think the kids (12 & 10) will understand why we won't see them this month?  We normally see them once a month (2x on some occasion) plus we'll see them on Thanksgiving (provided that ex wife does not deny that time).

We'd appreciate any feedback, advice, opinion you can offer.  Thanks.
#22
Visitation Issues / Summer Issue
Apr 07, 2005, 03:22:37 AM
Hope everyone's doing fine.   We're doing great other than the fact that we are having a summer issue with the ex-wife.  Hubby is entitled to a month with the kids during each summer.  Earlier this year, ex-wife kept asking him about summer and, as his best estimate at the time, he told her that we'll probably get the kids in July BUT he wouldn't know for sure until the summer camp information comes out.

Anyway, the summer camp information did come out recently and what would work best is to have the kids from mid-June to mid-July.  We then told the ex-wife about our intent.  Unbeknownst to us all this time, her mother wants to be with the kids for the whole month of June!  The ex-wife told husband that, for this reason, the summer dates we gave her won't work.  She was expecting us to have the kids for the entire month of July instead because that's what he told in the beginning of the year.

I am sure you guys out there can relate that summer camp CAN be very expensive and they are in our area.  The one we are intending to put the kids in is only open till mid-July.  By far, it is the closest to our house, very popular in the area and the most affordable within our budget.  Other camps that are open till end of July or so are charging an arm and a leg!!!  They are also much farther from our house.  Basically, we are looking at over $800 for both kids.  That doesn't even include their airfare and other stuff.  Summer is very expensive for us........

Hubby is very mad about this but feels like we can't do anything IF the ex-wife won't honor the dates we requested.  We don't want to go back to court for financial reasons.  I don't know what recourse we have other than put her on notice IF she does deny the dates.

I hope this can be resolved soon but who knows.  Any advice out there?

#23
Father's Issues / Counseling
Jul 18, 2006, 12:10:48 PM
Hi all,

Hope everyone's doing well.  I'm stepping out the rock I've been under for so many months to once again ask your opinion/advice on something.  

My 13-year old stepson has been diagnosed with ADHD when he was about 6 or 7 years old.  His mother is the custodial parent and insisted for this diagnosis.  From the beginning, he has been on different ADHD medications.  At one point, he was on  Ritalin but that didn't last long.  The last medication that we know of is Strattera.  My husband and I were very skeptical about medicating for many reasons but mainly for our own observations of how stepson reacts/behaves.  More and more, we are convinced that medicating isn't the FIX for what's going on with him.  Frankly speaking, both my husband and I feel that ex-wife's household does not have the structure, routine and guidance he needs.  He barely passed the 7th grade!  I can go on and on about that but I shall leave it be.  One time, ex-wife called husband about an article she read on msnbc.com about the dangers of Strattera (duh) and she now wanted stepson off the medication.  Dad was relieved, of course.  

Then, earlier this year, ex-wife called my husband about my stepson misbehaving.  She was hysterical and crying on the phone.  She also asked husband if stepson can live with us.  Husband calmed her down and told her that he would love that; however, this is a decision that can't be made under such emotions and that she needed to calm down and discuss this with her husband, too.  Then, all parents, including stepparents, should come together and go from there.  Furthermore, husband got on stepson's case and made him realize that his behavior towards his mother (or any adult for that matter) is not acceptable and will not be tolerated.  In short, husband helped smoothe things over between stepson and ex-wife.  Stepson apologized to Mom and there was peace again in her household.

She then took stepson to a psychiatrist for counseling right after that incident.  According to her, the psychiatrist does not think it would be a good idea to let stepson live with Dad because it would ruin her relationship with him.  Ok. Whatever.  Dad didn't push the issue and trusted that stepson seeing a psychiatrist would be beneficial and a step in the right direction.  We would have loved for stepson to live with us but we know that it will be a difficult custody battle for many reasons and especially since husband is on active military duty.  Ex-wife never volunteered to give husband the psychiatrist contact info until he asked.  He also asked ex-wife when can he join them in stepson's sessions with the psychiatrist.  Ex-wife told him that the psychiatrist wants to get more progress with stepson prior to Dad joining them.  A bunch of bull if you ask me but that's where it ended.  Ex-wife also put stepson back on Strattera because that's what the psychiatrist told her to do.  Dad disagrees but what could he really do?  We are not doctors after all.  Ex-wife did say that the psychiatrist's objective is to eventually take stepson off of Strattera.

Forward to the present.  Stepson is with us for the summer.  He had a terrible outburst to where he cussed me up and down and caused destruction in the living room knocking down bar stools and almost flipping the couch over.  The whole thing started when I tried to stop him from antagonizing our pet dog and his sister.  Dad wasn't home at the time.  Anyway, he then proceeded to his room and caused more chaos there by pulling out his drawers and leaving them all over the room.  After all of that, he stormed out of the house.  Dad finally came home and we talked about what happened.  Stepson never left the subdivision and was found just walking along.  

Dad discussed what happened with ex-wife.  Her first question was whether stepson has been taking his medication.  Dad was flabbergasted because, in the past, she took stepson off medication every summer.  She said she packed it in one of the kids' bags but it was nowhere to be found.  It turned out that she had it in her house all along.  She was also out on vacation so we suspect stepson hasn't been taking his medication for over 2 weeks prior to the incident happening.  Anyway, instead of helping smoothe things over too, she talked to stepson and assured him that he can come "home" any time he wants.  She told husband that the kids have always had a hard time dealing with his new kids that's why they're acting up, blah, blah, blah.  She's always making excuses!!!! Grrrr!  We know and see how the all the kids interact and they do love each other a lot.  I'm guessing she's the one having a hard time dealing with the fact that husband moved on, remarried and had other kids.  That's her problem and not ours.

Because of the incident, husband and I decided that we ourselves need to seek counseling with stepson.  It is long overdue if you ask me.  Dad trusted ex-wife that she will do the right thing by stepson and include Dad but that didn't happen at all.  So, it is time for us to seek help ourselves and help stepson overcome what he needs to overcome.  We should have done this a long time ago but we are now doing it.  We look at this as a learning and bonding opportunity for us all.  We love our stepson and don't want him to go down the wrong path.  He has a lot of anger in him and is now exhibiting aggressive, violent behavior.  I don't think we should wait until his mother decides to work with Dad.   It is apparent that she has no intention of doing that.  When husband told ex-wife that he's taking stepson to counseling, she hit the roof.  Instead of looking at it positively, she probably took it as a slap.  She told husband that he didn't need to do that because she's already taken stepson to a psychiatrist.  My guess is that it's a control thing all along with her.  Husband is finally fed off and now taking action and, in her mind, she's losing control.  How SAD!!!!!

Sorry for the length but I want to know your opinion on this.  Is it so wrong for us to seek counseling for and with stepson ourselves?  Our intent is not to disrupt his treatment (if one does exist) where he lives.  In fact, we are going to give our psychiatrist the contact info of his psychiatrist so that the professionals can work towards a unified treatment.  We don't even know how often stepson sees his "psychiatrist".  We have no control over what she does but we do have control over what we do with stepson whenever he's with us.  So, this way, we can be sure that he's getting the help that he needs on our terms and not hers.

Thank you for your input.


#24
Father's Issues / Tricky sticky!
Jul 30, 2005, 09:44:55 AM
Wow, talk about not being on here for a while... I hope everyone's doing well and living life as best as possible.

Without going into too much details, let me just ask your opinion/advice on our current situation:

DH got raped with his divorce order years ago (surprise, surprise).  He has been shouldering 100% of transportation to see the kids even after ex-wife moved around a lot.  Right now, the kids live about 6 hours away from us.  Ex-wife's also re-married and wanted to relocate the kids out-of-the-country four years ago.  We went to court and won against it.  To this date, she still talks about the desire to take the kids for a "visit" with her in-laws. We sympathize but DO NOT TRUST her given our rocky history.  My husband, as open-minded and peacemaker as he is, expressed to her that we must all build trust and really try hard at working together.  Perhaps then, our feelings towards the kids' out-of-the-country travel will be different.  

So, that idea of "working together" has started.  She and her husband met us halfway for the kids' return after their summer time with us.  Now, now...although I acknowledge that as a milestone in itself, I am ultra leery that just after a few "meeting halfway" trips, she will DEMAND/INSIST to be allowed to take the both kids out of the country (we had agreed before for her to take one child while the other stays with us and she did just that 2x).  Anyway, I'm concerned that my husband's desire to promote peace and cooperation will cloud his judgment and allow this to happen.  As long as I'm around, I will continue to be his conscience and voice of reason regardless of how irritated/angered I get over this situation.  What do you think is the MOST appropriate response?

Things are calm right now.  Our kids are doing good although they didn't earn the best grades last school year (another long story in itself).  Seeing us all "getting along" and "working together" is doing them wonders for sure.  In my opinion, it's only a matter of time till HELL returns.  Such is the beauty of pessimism and reality! )(
#25
Father's Issues / Help with school work
Apr 30, 2005, 03:35:47 PM
We recently received a copy of my stepdaughter's report card and she earned 2 Fs and a D this past grading period.  Needless to say, we are very, very concerned.  Husband talked to ex-wife and she gave him the same excuse --- "the kids should be responsible for their actions", blah, blah, blah.  Well, hmm, the kids are 11 and 9 years old and one can't expect kids that age to KNOW EVERYTHING about their school subjects.  If they do, then they're geniuses and they wouldn't be getting Fs now, would they?  Ex0wife still can't grasp the simple concept of checking their school work after they're done with it to ensure that they did it right and that they understand the subject matter.  Arrgghh!

My question is this:  since we live 6 hours away, how can we better help with the kids' homework?  Husband's going to call more and talk to them about their homework.  Is there anything else we can do?  Do you think a webcam would help?  If we get them one, I'm concerned that they will end up not using it anyway because they have told us that they do not get on or allowed to use the computer that much.  

I wish that they live closer to so we can get them more often and help them with their school work.  Not to knock the ex wife, but I just can't understand what's so hard about helping your kids do their homework or ensuring that they are completing them properly.  

Please share your ideas or experiences with helping your kids do their homework from such a distance.  Thanks!