Hi all,
Hope everyone's doing well. I'm stepping out the rock I've been under for so many months to once again ask your opinion/advice on something.
My 13-year old stepson has been diagnosed with ADHD when he was about 6 or 7 years old. His mother is the custodial parent and insisted for this diagnosis. From the beginning, he has been on different ADHD medications. At one point, he was on Ritalin but that didn't last long. The last medication that we know of is Strattera. My husband and I were very skeptical about medicating for many reasons but mainly for our own observations of how stepson reacts/behaves. More and more, we are convinced that medicating isn't the FIX for what's going on with him. Frankly speaking, both my husband and I feel that ex-wife's household does not have the structure, routine and guidance he needs. He barely passed the 7th grade! I can go on and on about that but I shall leave it be. One time, ex-wife called husband about an article she read on msnbc.com about the dangers of Strattera (duh) and she now wanted stepson off the medication. Dad was relieved, of course.
Then, earlier this year, ex-wife called my husband about my stepson misbehaving. She was hysterical and crying on the phone. She also asked husband if stepson can live with us. Husband calmed her down and told her that he would love that; however, this is a decision that can't be made under such emotions and that she needed to calm down and discuss this with her husband, too. Then, all parents, including stepparents, should come together and go from there. Furthermore, husband got on stepson's case and made him realize that his behavior towards his mother (or any adult for that matter) is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. In short, husband helped smoothe things over between stepson and ex-wife. Stepson apologized to Mom and there was peace again in her household.
She then took stepson to a psychiatrist for counseling right after that incident. According to her, the psychiatrist does not think it would be a good idea to let stepson live with Dad because it would ruin her relationship with him. Ok. Whatever. Dad didn't push the issue and trusted that stepson seeing a psychiatrist would be beneficial and a step in the right direction. We would have loved for stepson to live with us but we know that it will be a difficult custody battle for many reasons and especially since husband is on active military duty. Ex-wife never volunteered to give husband the psychiatrist contact info until he asked. He also asked ex-wife when can he join them in stepson's sessions with the psychiatrist. Ex-wife told him that the psychiatrist wants to get more progress with stepson prior to Dad joining them. A bunch of bull if you ask me but that's where it ended. Ex-wife also put stepson back on Strattera because that's what the psychiatrist told her to do. Dad disagrees but what could he really do? We are not doctors after all. Ex-wife did say that the psychiatrist's objective is to eventually take stepson off of Strattera.
Forward to the present. Stepson is with us for the summer. He had a terrible outburst to where he cussed me up and down and caused destruction in the living room knocking down bar stools and almost flipping the couch over. The whole thing started when I tried to stop him from antagonizing our pet dog and his sister. Dad wasn't home at the time. Anyway, he then proceeded to his room and caused more chaos there by pulling out his drawers and leaving them all over the room. After all of that, he stormed out of the house. Dad finally came home and we talked about what happened. Stepson never left the subdivision and was found just walking along.
Dad discussed what happened with ex-wife. Her first question was whether stepson has been taking his medication. Dad was flabbergasted because, in the past, she took stepson off medication every summer. She said she packed it in one of the kids' bags but it was nowhere to be found. It turned out that she had it in her house all along. She was also out on vacation so we suspect stepson hasn't been taking his medication for over 2 weeks prior to the incident happening. Anyway, instead of helping smoothe things over too, she talked to stepson and assured him that he can come "home" any time he wants. She told husband that the kids have always had a hard time dealing with his new kids that's why they're acting up, blah, blah, blah. She's always making excuses!!!! Grrrr! We know and see how the all the kids interact and they do love each other a lot. I'm guessing she's the one having a hard time dealing with the fact that husband moved on, remarried and had other kids. That's her problem and not ours.
Because of the incident, husband and I decided that we ourselves need to seek counseling with stepson. It is long overdue if you ask me. Dad trusted ex-wife that she will do the right thing by stepson and include Dad but that didn't happen at all. So, it is time for us to seek help ourselves and help stepson overcome what he needs to overcome. We should have done this a long time ago but we are now doing it. We look at this as a learning and bonding opportunity for us all. We love our stepson and don't want him to go down the wrong path. He has a lot of anger in him and is now exhibiting aggressive, violent behavior. I don't think we should wait until his mother decides to work with Dad. It is apparent that she has no intention of doing that. When husband told ex-wife that he's taking stepson to counseling, she hit the roof. Instead of looking at it positively, she probably took it as a slap. She told husband that he didn't need to do that because she's already taken stepson to a psychiatrist. My guess is that it's a control thing all along with her. Husband is finally fed off and now taking action and, in her mind, she's losing control. How SAD!!!!!
Sorry for the length but I want to know your opinion on this. Is it so wrong for us to seek counseling for and with stepson ourselves? Our intent is not to disrupt his treatment (if one does exist) where he lives. In fact, we are going to give our psychiatrist the contact info of his psychiatrist so that the professionals can work towards a unified treatment. We don't even know how often stepson sees his "psychiatrist". We have no control over what she does but we do have control over what we do with stepson whenever he's with us. So, this way, we can be sure that he's getting the help that he needs on our terms and not hers.
Thank you for your input.
Hope everyone's doing well. I'm stepping out the rock I've been under for so many months to once again ask your opinion/advice on something.
My 13-year old stepson has been diagnosed with ADHD when he was about 6 or 7 years old. His mother is the custodial parent and insisted for this diagnosis. From the beginning, he has been on different ADHD medications. At one point, he was on Ritalin but that didn't last long. The last medication that we know of is Strattera. My husband and I were very skeptical about medicating for many reasons but mainly for our own observations of how stepson reacts/behaves. More and more, we are convinced that medicating isn't the FIX for what's going on with him. Frankly speaking, both my husband and I feel that ex-wife's household does not have the structure, routine and guidance he needs. He barely passed the 7th grade! I can go on and on about that but I shall leave it be. One time, ex-wife called husband about an article she read on msnbc.com about the dangers of Strattera (duh) and she now wanted stepson off the medication. Dad was relieved, of course.
Then, earlier this year, ex-wife called my husband about my stepson misbehaving. She was hysterical and crying on the phone. She also asked husband if stepson can live with us. Husband calmed her down and told her that he would love that; however, this is a decision that can't be made under such emotions and that she needed to calm down and discuss this with her husband, too. Then, all parents, including stepparents, should come together and go from there. Furthermore, husband got on stepson's case and made him realize that his behavior towards his mother (or any adult for that matter) is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. In short, husband helped smoothe things over between stepson and ex-wife. Stepson apologized to Mom and there was peace again in her household.
She then took stepson to a psychiatrist for counseling right after that incident. According to her, the psychiatrist does not think it would be a good idea to let stepson live with Dad because it would ruin her relationship with him. Ok. Whatever. Dad didn't push the issue and trusted that stepson seeing a psychiatrist would be beneficial and a step in the right direction. We would have loved for stepson to live with us but we know that it will be a difficult custody battle for many reasons and especially since husband is on active military duty. Ex-wife never volunteered to give husband the psychiatrist contact info until he asked. He also asked ex-wife when can he join them in stepson's sessions with the psychiatrist. Ex-wife told him that the psychiatrist wants to get more progress with stepson prior to Dad joining them. A bunch of bull if you ask me but that's where it ended. Ex-wife also put stepson back on Strattera because that's what the psychiatrist told her to do. Dad disagrees but what could he really do? We are not doctors after all. Ex-wife did say that the psychiatrist's objective is to eventually take stepson off of Strattera.
Forward to the present. Stepson is with us for the summer. He had a terrible outburst to where he cussed me up and down and caused destruction in the living room knocking down bar stools and almost flipping the couch over. The whole thing started when I tried to stop him from antagonizing our pet dog and his sister. Dad wasn't home at the time. Anyway, he then proceeded to his room and caused more chaos there by pulling out his drawers and leaving them all over the room. After all of that, he stormed out of the house. Dad finally came home and we talked about what happened. Stepson never left the subdivision and was found just walking along.
Dad discussed what happened with ex-wife. Her first question was whether stepson has been taking his medication. Dad was flabbergasted because, in the past, she took stepson off medication every summer. She said she packed it in one of the kids' bags but it was nowhere to be found. It turned out that she had it in her house all along. She was also out on vacation so we suspect stepson hasn't been taking his medication for over 2 weeks prior to the incident happening. Anyway, instead of helping smoothe things over too, she talked to stepson and assured him that he can come "home" any time he wants. She told husband that the kids have always had a hard time dealing with his new kids that's why they're acting up, blah, blah, blah. She's always making excuses!!!! Grrrr! We know and see how the all the kids interact and they do love each other a lot. I'm guessing she's the one having a hard time dealing with the fact that husband moved on, remarried and had other kids. That's her problem and not ours.
Because of the incident, husband and I decided that we ourselves need to seek counseling with stepson. It is long overdue if you ask me. Dad trusted ex-wife that she will do the right thing by stepson and include Dad but that didn't happen at all. So, it is time for us to seek help ourselves and help stepson overcome what he needs to overcome. We should have done this a long time ago but we are now doing it. We look at this as a learning and bonding opportunity for us all. We love our stepson and don't want him to go down the wrong path. He has a lot of anger in him and is now exhibiting aggressive, violent behavior. I don't think we should wait until his mother decides to work with Dad. It is apparent that she has no intention of doing that. When husband told ex-wife that he's taking stepson to counseling, she hit the roof. Instead of looking at it positively, she probably took it as a slap. She told husband that he didn't need to do that because she's already taken stepson to a psychiatrist. My guess is that it's a control thing all along with her. Husband is finally fed off and now taking action and, in her mind, she's losing control. How SAD!!!!!
Sorry for the length but I want to know your opinion on this. Is it so wrong for us to seek counseling for and with stepson ourselves? Our intent is not to disrupt his treatment (if one does exist) where he lives. In fact, we are going to give our psychiatrist the contact info of his psychiatrist so that the professionals can work towards a unified treatment. We don't even know how often stepson sees his "psychiatrist". We have no control over what she does but we do have control over what we do with stepson whenever he's with us. So, this way, we can be sure that he's getting the help that he needs on our terms and not hers.
Thank you for your input.