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Messages - mdegol

#11
Custody Issues / Re: eviction
Aug 30, 2011, 08:36:27 PM
There is a way around not being able to bring up things later-at least in the courts I have been.  My lawyer used statements like: "and we reserve the right to supplement such and such evidence later and will provide to the opposing party in a timely fashion."  "At this time, we don't plan to call medical providers, but reserve the right to supplement this list at a later time."   
#12
Situation averted.  I guess he had some family issues and wasn't able to write until now.  Hopefully, it won't happen again.  Thanks for the advice. 
#13
Thanks for the replies.  This is BF's first time taking DS to his own state for a visit (first summer visitation).  First time BF is taking DS on a plane.  It is a  one week visit.  (CO states, two non-consequective weeks during summer, no times no dates, to account for needed flexibility since BF has coordinate flights and all that).  Back in May, he told me he would give specific times and then in one email (after my offer to take DS to airport) he said he would pick him up in the afternoon from my house, no specific time.  I was kind of thinking he would send the time, as he always has in the past a couple of weeks before.  I wrote to him Monday and Wednesday morning asking for a time.  While this is the first visit that DS is going to father's home state, we have had many weekend visit and BF is always very clear about his pickup time and my pickup time.  I know he is getting my emails, as he always has in the past, and anyway he knows that I need a time for his pickup and shouldn't have to sit around all day.  I work, by the way, and want to coordinate my work schedule, so that I still get to see DS before he goes, but I would like to work the morning or afternoon.  Anyway, I just wrote saying that DS will be ready at 2pm for pickup, as I need to cooridinate my work schedule.  If I don't see BF at that time, I will assume that he is not coming.  I will say, twice before he backed of visits at the last minute, so it is possible (though not probable since I believe he purchased the flights).  One time he backed out of Christmas visitation only two weeks before Christmas but he hadn't purchased anything that time. Those canceled visits were the only ones where he didn't give me a time or respond to questions very easily.  But this time, I am pretty sure he bought the tickets and I don't see him backing out having spent money on it.  My question now is-what if he shows up to pick up DS at 10am.  Then I won't get to see DS go.  Should I make him come back at 2pm since he didn't give me a time and to show that he can't do that kind of thing?  I don't want this to become a status quo thing where he doesn't give me a time and I have to play a guessing game and miss a whole day of work sitting around instead of a half day.
#14
What would you do if the other parent won't give a time for pickup?  I have asked twice and pickup is this Friday, and I have no idea what time.  Our CO doesn't state specific times for pickup and dropoff, and it has never been a problem before.  I think it is a new game to frustrate me.  I had to ask three times whether or not he wanted me to bring DS to the airport or if BF was going to pick him up.  He only said "afternoon" in one of these emails, no specific time.
#15
General Issues / Sad tonight...
Apr 16, 2011, 07:28:45 PM
I wanted to thank goodness for this board for so many things.  But I am so sad tonight, since my son is now 3 1/2 and I was thinking things might be better by now.  Before, I could comfort myself knowing that he was too young to understand and that there was still time for things to get better.  I can protect him one my side of it, and I hope that they will protect him on their side of it, but if it stay like this there's no way it is good for my son. 

I have been practicing low contact for about a year and a half and trying to compromise without being a pushover.  I am in the process of doing the proud to parent website that Gemini suggested.  I would like to invite BF to do the site, but is that a good idea with someone that you are practicing low contact with?  I feel that it is a transformative site, but it is hard to imagine how the situation is ever going to get better. 

We were just in court yesterday.  Again it got thrown out.  Right when the judge stated that she would dismiss the case, I felt relieved (again) but it was immediately followed by despair since I believe that it will not stop.  I disengaged emotionally quite some time ago from the conflict, but if one party is fighting I don't see how it will stop.  his last court date was trying to modify a stipulation that we signed four months ago!  Judge just said, this was settled, more or less.  The last stipulation was just that we would accept the old custody agreement.  I also agreed to modify child support, thinking that resentment about child support might be some of the cause.  It was recommended to be lowered over two months ago, but at the court date yesterday he didn't even ask to have it entered as a judgement.  He was asking for parenting time changes, same ones as at the last court date and yet before that. 

I believe that the reason is not coming directly from my co-parent.  His partner seems to be deliberately sabotaging all attempts to reconcile the situation.  I can tell that it is not him writing most emails to me, especially the high conflict ones due to dramatically different writing styles.  Most of the conflict is manufactured, often in the form of making requests that are, I believe, anticipated to cause problems. 

One good example to demonstrate this is for my child's last birthday.  They hadn't been to visit in 4 months.  I was contacted a week and a half before the birthday to let me know that he was going to visit.  He has never given me less than 3-4 weeks notice in the past, due to the cost of plane tickets.  Because of past patterns, I made sure that I had scheduled the birthday party for the weekend further from my son's actual birthday just in case his father wanted to visit.  To be honest, by the time he contacted me I had assumed he was not coming.  In any case, I said ok, go ahead and come.  I did state that I would appreciate more notice in the future.  It seemed manufactured to cause conflict, either to ruin a party or to cause me to say something like "I have plans" and then call it a denial of visitation.  In his answer, even though I didn't mention anything about a party, it was stated "If you wanted to plan a party for that weekend you should have contacted us about it."  That kind of confirmed the motivation I thought. 

Court was just yesterday, and even if I "won", there was no satisfaction in it.


Here's the weird part:  I have noticed that the engagement from the other side has INCREASED since I have been practicing low contact.  Is that something typically seen?  I am thinking that his partner has some kind of emotional problem, like BPD.  I know that several regulars on here practice low contact.  Did the behavior of the other side diminish quickly?  How long did it take to work?  With these manufactured situations I have either ignored it, or tried to work around it.  Seems like it just makes them do more.  What makes me nervous is that the behaviors are escalating, or at least have move from direct conflict with me to court dates.  If that isn't working, I don't know what will come next.
#16
Visitation Issues / Re: First visitation
Dec 29, 2009, 08:37:41 PM
Your approach has been very noble, but you are simply running into the same problems that everyone seems to run into at some point.  You guys broke up for a reason and aren't going to be on the same page. 

That's why it is best for you not to know all the little details, because something will tick you off (just like if I knew all the details, I would get ticked off, bedtime issues or where they go, diet issues ect....).  In the beginning it drove me nuts (my child was just a baby so I couldn't ask him and BF would never say anything except that everything was wonderful).  It was good though, because I learned not to worry about what he was doing or knowing any details.  It is actually a big stress reliever to let go of the control.  Because the truth is: you have absolutely no control over his parenting time.  You really don't.  The more you try to control, the less you will have.  Once you accept this, the situation will vastly improve emotionally. 

Just like you had to figure it out, he has to figure it out for himself.  He either will, or he won't.  I wouldn't call at this point, let him call and let him know that you need a schedule that your daughter can rely on.  Time to get the little bird (him) out of your nest, and parent separately.  And get it down on paper so that there are no arguments.
#17
Father's Issues / Re: Speaking of passports...
Dec 29, 2009, 05:32:25 PM
Yes, to get a passport or renew a passport, you need to present a valid birth certificate.  Both parents need to be present, or a notarized letter from the other parent needs to be presented, or custody papers showing that one parent has sole legal.  If mother presented an old birth certificate, the post office doesn't know that there is an updated one.  Are you saying the old birth certificate left the father as blank or unknown?  I guess if she used it, the post office would accept it, since that situation must come up here and there.  Otherwise, people under 18 that don't know who their father are could never get a passport, which doesn't make a lot of sense.  Post office has no way of knowing that birth certificate is no longer valid.  But for sure she was playing with fire if this was done.  For a cruise, I am not sure that child would have needed it back then.  Probably depended on the rules of the cruise line.


Here's the thing: I don't think you can stop people from doing something that is illegal, like kidnapping, if that is in their nature.   I think a lot of these protections are there more to make people feel better than to actually stop these sort of crimes.  If someone is intent on committing the act, they will do it somehow.  It like the Brazilian mother, she used deception to get child out of country (probably most common way these things happen).  A silly thing like a passport won't stop these people.  Anyway, people take kids away and stay within US borders.  Personally, I think it is important for child to experience foreign cultures, so generally, one should allow international vacations.
#18
Custody Issues / Re: BM is late picking up child
Dec 21, 2009, 07:26:28 PM
Ocean's right.  An amber alert would not be a good outcome, and she sounds like the type.  Probably the letter will keep her from being late.  Do you have a lawyer in Texas yet?  Also, even if the judge didn't give you additional time, but maybe your lawyer could try to negotiate for it.  People tend to be more generous when a court date looms in the distance (even if you have to return her a day or two and then see her again for 2 days or something).  I don't think it looks very good if you are there and she doesn't let you see child when you can't see her very often.  But a modification like Kitty has would be great in your case. 
#19
Custody Issues / Re: BM is late picking up child
Dec 21, 2009, 05:45:24 PM
Sounds like a good plan, but if she understands that you will get extra time, I doubt she will be late.  Maybe leave out the additional parenting time part.  Just "I am unavailable for next exchange until such and such time".  Then when she is late text her "You are late, so I will be taking DD with me and consider it additional parenting time.  I will meet you (here) at this time on that day".  The point to being late is to mess up your flight, so if you will benefit from it, she has no motivation to be late.  What a jerk.  With the flights, if you ever miss she should have to pay for the new flight.  You should put that into the CO, or some other punishment with some teeth.
#20
Custody Issues / Re: BM is late picking up child
Dec 21, 2009, 04:29:35 PM
I think ocean has a good suggestion, but are you traveling to Texas for the visits?  I mean, maybe the approach is different with the distance and the expense as well as the time in between visits.  Makes them more precious.  That would be a huge waste of travel and a big disappointment for your daughter if it is prior to your visit.  Could send an unintended message to child?  I have called BF when he was late more than 20 minutes for picking up son.  He is coming from Texas and these visits are highly anticipated.  Once they lost their luggage and were many hours late, but I had to call them to see why.  Seemed strange that I needed to be the pro-active one, but I don't think they understand that I can move on with my day if they are too late and I don't hear anything. 

Or is it when BM picks daughter up after the visit?  If you don't wait with daughter, what would you do?  Go back to hotel room with daughter?  Or fly back to NY with her (bet BM is never late again!)?  What are your ideas?  I have similar issues also, so it would be interesting to see different takes on this.  Seems like a different issue when long distance is involved.  Because what if you have a flight?

I will say, that is why my lawyer said it is better if his pickup takes place from my home and my pickup takes place at his hotel, since there is control over timing, so you don't have both the parties traveling to meet.  Of course, normal adults should be able to handle it, but it is just the sort of thing that a vindictive person can use to be late (traffic, getting out of house, cell phone dead, ect....).