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Messages - NYParent

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Father's Issues / Re: Temporary custody??
« on: Dec 01, 2009, 06:35:56 AM »
There has to be a GOOD reason for a judge to give you temporary custody.  Just because BM (birth mom) is not letting you see the child is not a good enough reason.

You should file a petition is family court for custody (joint legal or physical) and for visitation rights.

Visitation Issues / Re: First visitation
« on: Nov 29, 2009, 08:10:53 AM »
I agree with teacher98.....maybe Dad might be scared to ask you for time alone since things are going great, he doesn't want to rock the boat too much.  I think the next time he comes over you should tell him that you feel confident that both him and DD have gotten to know each other well enough for the visits to happen between the two of them and without your supervision.

As far as parenting styles, it is very likely that you both parent differently.  For example a big issue between me and BM is that she keeps a rigid schedule as far as bedtime....I on the other hand only get to spend 3 days every two months (long distance between us) and so for me it's not as important for her to go to bed at 8pm on the dot.  I mean I don't let DD stay up until very late, but if she goes to bed at 9:00 I don't see the big deal.  I have her for such a limited time that the extra half hour or hour makes a difference to the both of us.  Well one night while we were visiting my family for thanksgiving BM called me at 8:20PM and heard DD up....well sh** hit the fan then.  She started yelling to the point that people could hear her even though the phone was not on speaker phone.  She told me that I was to drive to the airport at that very moment and return DD because I obviously did not know how to parent.  Although I tried to reason with her, there was nothing I could say to calm her down.  I told her she was being unreasonable and that she needed to stop intruding on my time.  Hung up the phone and turn off my cell.  Well that didn't stop her....she started calling my family's home having a screaming fit.  After the third call my sister got on the phone and told her I was unavailable and that she should refrain from calling again.  BM of course said that if I was not at the airport within the next hour with a confirmed flight back she was going to call the cops and accuse me of kidnapping.  My sister told her she should do whatever she wanted and reminded her there was a CO stating that DD was to be with me thanksgiving.....gave her the address again to where the police should come and hung up the phone.....needless to say that no authorities showed up at the house.

This is just an example of on one thing where she tries to control how I parent.  As long as nothing is being done to harm the child (although BM does believe that putting the child to sleep 1/2 to an hour later is great danger to the child) then there's no problem for things being done differently.  The only thing I try to stick with the same as BM is within the foods that BM feeds DD (she's a health nut) because I think its better for DD and because I don't want to change her diet and have her have a reaction to something.  In that case I always ask BM to give me an updated list of what DD is eating when I got to visit (not every time....but ever six months for example).

Honestly you guys don't really need to share too much information.....this will help keep a divide between your time with DD and his.  I do believe that you should always share important things....like if she's sick and how her mood has been.  Other than that, what he does with her and what you do with her doesn't need to be discussed.  I agree with discussing discipline....that's something that should be consistent. 

I think you're doing a great job....keep it up!  Also remember, that at one point or another he's going to want overnights.  Although it might be scary for you at first, you should be open to it.  At that point you should also go to a standard visitation schedule (every other weekend) so that each parent knows when they're going to have the child.

Father's Issues / Re: Holiday contact??
« on: Nov 29, 2009, 07:40:25 AM »
She didn't say who was monitoring the call (well actually video conference).  She just said that it was being monitored by a third party (probably her mother).  There is no such thing as a "neutral" party in TX. 

She did that because she wants me to argue.  My attorney told me not to pick a fight with her, instead he wrote back saying that the call would be accepted but that it would be monitored from my end as well.

Of course you've never heard of such a thing because it doesn't make sense.  Especially when I've never had a problem with calls to DD.  She's just trying to aggravate me right before court.  Plus in her mind I call to talk to her......no matter how many times I've told her that I do not, she's convinced that me asking to talk to DD is just a cover up to wanting to talk to her.....talk about CRAZY!

Father's Issues / Re: Holiday contact??
« on: Nov 27, 2009, 04:32:13 PM »
UPDATE- I wanted to let you guys know that BM did NOT allow me to talk to DD for Thanksgiving.  However, she is allowing a monitored conversation on her birthday.  Although it's retarded that my conversation is going to be monitored by a "third" party, I am not going to argue as I get to talk to DD which I haven't had contact with in almost 2 months.

Of course this was a result to my sending a letter to her attorney....so thanks for your suggestions on that.  It seems like her attorney in NY has more sense than her attorney in TX.

Anyway.....I'm excited about getting to see DD soon.  X-mas and Jurisdiction not yet finalized.....but a week more and we'll see.  BM's attorney is submitted her motion in which she's asking the court in NY to give up jurisdiction because TX is a better forum as the child has more significant connections.  We'll see.

Father's Issues / Re: In need of advice for new father
« on: Nov 23, 2009, 09:00:26 AM »
I am concerned about the fact that she's so adamant about having you sign something about custody and visitation prior to the baby being born.

I am not sure about the math, and the other women can help in this department as they would have more experience than me, but if y'all were together for two weeks and she told you about the pregnancy a week later, it seems like it's a little too early to tell that she was pregnant.  I might be wrong, but her attitude is suspicious.

You don't owe her anything as far as spousal support until a judge says you do.

Like the others have said, DO NOT sign anything.  Establish paternity first.  Even if it turns out that you're the dad....don't feel guilty about not believing her or supporting her as you would have wanted to through the pregnancy.  Her actions lead to this.  If you are the dad, then establish custody and visitation through the courts. 

Good luck and keep us posted.

Whoever you spoke to at legal aid is an idiot (and you'll find a lot of those in there).  When I was going through my problems they gave me wrong information left and right.

Go to court ASAP.  Ask for an emergency hearing.  If they ask you why you took so long, tell them that you were trying to find out where the mother had moved to and that you finally had.  See if they can give you temporary custody of your son that way you can pick him up.  If not, maybe they can give you an order to have mom return.

You have to move fast with cases like these.  Unfortunately time is your enemy right now.  The more time you let pass, the worst it looks for you and the more unlikely you'll get what you want.

Remember, when asked why you should get temporary custody of the child say it would be for his best-interest as you are able to provide him more stability (which kids need).

You can centralize all your post by simply commenting in one of them.  I don't know if you can delete them.  I would make a reference in all the other post that you are only posting to this one.

Custody Issues / Re: Won't let me see daughter
« on: Nov 21, 2009, 04:53:33 PM »
I was told by the child support office that even if you give BM a check and write child support for xxx, it still doesn't count.  My attorney told me the same thing.  The best thing is to do is open a separate account and put the money there so that when there's a court ordered support, then you have the money there.

However, if in the meantime she need formula or something like that, by all means buy it.

Child Support Issues / Re: Nd Advice on college costs/court issue
« on: Nov 21, 2009, 12:45:48 PM »
My g/f used to work in a private university....bursar to be exact.  According to her it was very likely that there was no balance to pay in the community college.  Between the child's subsidized/unsubsidized loans, federal grants, state grants, etc she was probably left with a refund.

In her experience with dealing with divorced parents and court orders, universities/colleges don't get involved at all.  They don't care who pays what.....because ultimately the debt is in the child's name, not the parents.  Additionally, because of FERPA laws, they were very limited on what could be disclosed.  She said that the way most people dealt with this issue was that one parent paid and the other reimbursed.  Now the only way it was legally enforceable was if the CO had specific percentages and or dollar amount.

Talk to the child.  See if she's willing to do two years in a community college and then  transfer to a state school or private school.  My g/f (who worked in a $60,000/year private university in NY) always said that private universities are a waste of money.  The education you get in them is not any better than community college.  In NY some private schools have affiliations with community colleges where a student goes to CC for two years and can automatically transfer to the private school without having to go through the transfer application process.

Father's Issues / Re: Daycare UPDATE
« on: Nov 21, 2009, 12:29:58 PM »
Thanks Ocean.  She is state certified.  I am drafting a formal complaint against her.

I will make sure that my attorney subpoenas her once jurisdiction is finalized.

Father's Issues / Daycare UPDATE
« on: Nov 21, 2009, 11:11:07 AM »
Well I called the day care provider (it's home based).  The machine picked up and as I was stating my name, she picked up.  Immediately I could hear the echo of our conversation as the answering machine continued to record (my guess is that's why she had the machine pick it up first).

I stated that I was calling to one find out about DD and two to talk to her about why she hasn't been returning my calls.  She said that DD was "fine" and when I asked her to elaborate she said she couldn't and wouldn't.  I then asked her why she wasn't returning my calls, and she said that she was under advisement from BM and BM's attorney in TX not to return any of my calls or to communicate with me in any other form.  She stated that she was picking up the phone to simply state that so that I could stop calling.

I asked her to please reference the CO that I had given to her and to see that I share joint legal custody of DD and therefore she had a legal requirement to speak to me.  This woman had the nerve to tell me that she had seen all the communication I had sent to BM and all the legal papers and how much BM was spending to "protect" DD.....that instead of focusing on writing letters I should focus of being a father and on sending more money to BM.....she also said that I should spend some time thinking about what a crummy b/f I was to BM and what a shitty dad I was being to DD now.

It took every ounce of self control to not lash out.  I simply stated that the problems between BM and I were between her and I and that she shouldn't get involved.....that it was unprofessional for her to get involved in them.  I reminded her that her only role in this was to take care of DD and that any communication between her and I should not go beyond that. I don't know if she realized at that point what an a**hole she was being, but she said that I could continue to call as long as I did in infrequently.

Now here's the issue.....there's no way in hell I want that woman taking care of DD when she cannot maintain a neutral ground.  I can imagine the types of conversations this b*tch and BM are having about me in front of DD (mom has a habit of doing this).  At this point, is it unreasonable for me to petition that DD change daycare providers with the court?  Has anyone out there dealt with a similar situation?  I can't even imagine what my poor DD is being subjected to listen to from all angles (family, day care, home, etc.).

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