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Messages - NYParent

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Custody Issues / Re: Won't let me see daughter
« on: Nov 21, 2009, 10:50:53 AM »
Welcome ktjerar!

Sorry about the situation you're going through.....we've all been there at one point or another and some of us are still going through it one way or another.

Given that BM (birth mom) is keeping the child away from you it sounds like there's no amicable way for you to solve this.  In her mind, because you are no longer with her (for whatever reason) you do not deserve to be in your daughter's life.  Another thing is she's probably using your DD (darling daughter) as a way to ensure you come back to her.  There's no way to be reasonable with a person like that.

In my opinion you should not even send her a letter stating that if you don't hear from her by a certain date you're going to take her to court.  I think she'll just turn around and go file herself.  It is important that you file first as the courts will see that you are serious about having a relationship with your daughter.  Also that way you'll always be the petitioner and she'll be the respondent in all legal paperwork.  So I would suggest that you go on Monday if possible and file something with the courts.  The sooner you do this, the sooner you'll have access to DD.  I don't know where you live, but here in NY there are no filing fees.  You can even represent yourself as long as you're willing to do the research.  The first time around when I got my parenting plan set I didn't spend a dime.

She will file for child support, but that's good.  Any money you send to her should be court ordered.  Plus this will ensure that your baby has what she needs to be taken care of properly.  Also, by doing it early the back-pay will not be astronomical.

I would also suggest your try to limit all contact with BM to written now....e-mail is great.  This way there's always a paper trail of what was said.  Watch what you say over the phone as she may be recording you.  You might want to look at your state laws about recording and use that option when talking on the phone.

Do you live near BM?  If so you should file for joint legal and physical custody.  It's very likely that they will not give you joint physical because she's a baby and she needs BM, but maybe you can work something out with the court stating that you get frequent visitation and then by a certain age both parents will share joint physical custody of DD.

I would also make sure that your living situation is one that the courts will find favorable for you to take your daughter to.  Buy your own supplies (car seat, clothing, a place for her to sleep, some clothing, bottles, etc.)  This will cut down on having to ask BM to borrow things (which brings problems) and will look favorable to you in court.  You don't have to go crazy right now....just go little by little.  There are going to be a lot of sales going on right now, take advantage of them.

Go here http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/articles.php and read out sample parenting agreements.  Most importantly make sure that the plan is detailed (very detailed).  Has exact dates and times for visitation.  Where will the exchange take place.  Document everything that's been going on.....since now.  This is going to be very valuable to you in court.  Make a journal, write your attempts to see DD (date and time) and what the outcome.

Read old and new posts here.....they help tremendously and don't be afraid to reach out for help here.  We're all here to get help and to help as much as you can.  Also know that this take a big toll emotionally....you'll have good days and you'll have bad days....but always stay focus on your daughter.

How long ago did she leave?  If it was less than 6 months ago, your state would still have jurisdiction of the case and you could/should file in your state.

Go to the court and ask information.  I don't know about where you live, but in NY I filed for free.  The first time around I did everything without spending a dime.  I was able to establish legal custody of my child and get visitation.  My mistake was not making the agreement specific enough.

You should really look into taking custody of the child....especially if you suspect sexual abuse.  It seems like his mom is unable to provide a safe environment for him and as his other parent you need to step up.

Like I stated, go to court and find out your options.  The more you wait, the worst.  Plus who knows what your child is going through.  This isn't meant to make you worry, but you really need to get the ball rolling on this.  Plus, you might qualify for free legal representation.

Father's Issues / Re: Holiday contact??
« on: Nov 20, 2009, 08:27:12 AM »
It sure is a control thing.....and they use the kids as their weapons because it's the only thing they can control you with.

I sent the letter to the attorney.  Kept the emotion out of it.  Stated the dates and times I wanted and alternatives if those times were not available.  Asked for confirmation on whether or not she was in agreement by a certain date.  Let's see what happens.

I personally don't care if she allows me to talk to DD because her attorney told her to do it....I just wanna see her. 

Father's Issues / Holiday contact??
« on: Nov 19, 2009, 02:55:44 PM »
I wanted to know, do you guys have telephone access with your children on the holidays that they are with the other parent?  For instance, I don't have my child for Thanksgiving but I am going to send a letter to her attorney (in NY) to ask Satan (aka: BM) for telephone contact on Thanksgiving.  I just wanted to make sure that this is not uncommon.  Personally when I had DD for thanksgiving last year I made sure she called her mom.  I am also planning to have her call her mom on X-mas (if I actually get her for the holiday break....that's still up in the air). 

Also, my DD's birthday is coming up (prior to my next court date) so I am going to also request to have time access to her on her B-day as well. 

Let's see if that psycho b*tch allows me contact.  It would be nice to see my DD, since it's been so long (although something tells me not to get my hopes up).  BTW, there's nothing in the order that says I am allowed contact....remember, I have a crappy CO that says "frequent communication."


Visitation Issues / Re: First visitation
« on: Nov 19, 2009, 11:07:53 AM »
I am glad it went so well for everyone.  Congrats!!!!!  You deserve recognition for allowing and encouraging a relationship between your daughter and her dad.  Always remember how your daughter felt that day.....especially when things get tough!

If you are planning on having half days on Holidays, make sure the time is spelled out in the Parenting Plan (ex: Mom has children from XX to XX and Dad will have the children from XX to XX).  Also, make sure that you put where the exchange will occur and at what time.  My suggestion to you is that they happen in a public place in a half way point between both parent's house.  Make this exchange place the place where all exchanges shall be made. Also, as far as special occasions you should write something to the effect that if there's a special occasion (weddings, funerals, etc) you are to have extra parenting time or parenting time shall be exchanged as long as you give a month's notice (well that doesn't work for funerals, but you know what I mean).  As far as special occasions in your kids life (games, graduations, school plays, etc) write something to the effect that both parents are allowed to attend. 

If you are agreeing to Joint Legal Custody (which I hope you are), make sure that it is outlined what decisions will be made jointly (ie: medical, religious, school, daycare, extra curricular activities, etc).  Spell each of them out.  I made the mistake of leaving it open ended and BM will not discuss anything with me stating that the only decisions that are made jointly are those of emergency.

If you are to have telephone access to the kids, write that in with days and times.  In a clause write in that you are to have BM's current home address, home number, cell phone number, and work number for emergencies.  You should each list three emergency contacts in the event that of an emergency where one parent can't find the other one.  Write a clause that in the event of an emergency the other parent shall be notified as soon as possible but no later than an hour after the emergency.  Write something about when you place a call to BM, how long after you call her she should return your calls (ex: all non-emergency phone calls shall be return no later than 24 hours after the request for a call back).

Check out some good sample parenting plans here http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/articles.php (under parenting plan articles).  A very important clause is to state how disagreements will be handled in the future if neither one of you can agree one an issue (for example, in NY you can go back to Mediation for free).

Good luck!

General Issues / Re: Sure could use some sound advice...
« on: Nov 15, 2009, 08:45:02 AM »
You need to give a little more information to be able to get advise on how to proceed.

If you do not have custody settled with the courts, then you should go to the court and file for custody of the child.  Inform the Court of Mom's intentions to move and have the court order her to stay until custody/visitation is settled.

If you do have custody/visitation settled in the courts, read the custody order (CO).  Does it have a move clause?  For example, my CO states that BM cannot move out of the city she currently lives without my written approval.  If there's nothing in the CO that restricts moves, you should still go to court and have them order her not to move until you guys work something out.

According to what you said, it sounds to me like your life is currently more stable than BM's (birth mom)....you should really think about taking custody of your son.  However, you should only do that if you feel like you are capable of taking on the child and all the responsibilities that it comes with.  If you're not, then you should be making changes in your life to make sure you can.  This child deserves to have a home that is secure and free from abuse.

Do all of this ASAP.  I mean go to court tomorrow if possible.  When filing out the petition, make sure that the reasons you give for not allowing the move are all about the child.  Do you have family nearby?  If so, mention that.  Can you put him in a good daycare?  Also, make sure that you mention that you would encourage a good relationship with BM and draw out a fair plan for her to have visitation.

Visitation Issues / Re: Visitation and Deployment
« on: Nov 14, 2009, 11:44:11 PM »
Rolo- I sent you a PM back.

Visitation Issues / Re: First visitation
« on: Nov 13, 2009, 01:53:58 PM »
I am glad it went well.  Sounds like you guys are off to a good start.

I hope you guys are able to continue working together for your daughter's sake.  Good luck and don't forget to update us when your DD meets her dad.

Visitation Issues / Re: Visitation and Deployment
« on: Nov 13, 2009, 11:17:27 AM »
As MB stated, my experience has been that BM hasn't shown up to two court hearings.  Both times the hearing has been rescheduled.  On the second no show the judge said that he would personally be ordering BM to be on the third hearing with an attorney (she did not give me a summons).  I'll let you know what happens if she doesn't show up the third time.

Good luck.  I know how hard it is not being able to speak to your children (I am going through that now, it seems to be my punishment for not giving into her demands), although I imagine that it must be much worst while in deployment.

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