Messages

Kitty C- Yes, he did say that he wanted me back at that time so that I can make my holiday plans with the child.  Our current CO has the holiday scheduled, and I'm supposed to have X-mas this year, but of course BM is being very vindictive and saying that I can only have the child x-mas DAY and nothing more (although I am the one who always travels to see the child and would be traveling to TX specifically for that).  When I told the judge that he said no, no, and said that it would be settled in the next court date.

Asof2005- Thanks!  Yeah, BM is definitely helping my case with her attitude.

Welcome Newohio...

The first advise I can give you is you should get really good at documenting everything.  Make a journal and write everything (when you talk to BM (birth mother) or the child, what was said, when the child was dropped off was BM on time or late, what did the child look like, general attitude of both child and BM, etc.).  My biggest suggestion would be to try to have all communication come written (emails are great).  As you will read here from everyone, try to keep the emotion out of it and stick to the issue (your child).  One of the biggest mistakes I made at the beginning was that when BM would attack me and bring back the past, I would go with it and try to defend myself.  This doesn't work.  It only creates bigger problems.  Remember, you can never change her opinion of you....you shouldn't want to anyway.  As long as she respects you, doesn't say negative things about you in front of the child and doesn't interfere with your rights as a father, then let her think whatever she wants.

In regards to documentation, when you make any changes or are supplying her required information make sure you send it via USPS.  You can use Priority Mail- Delivery Confirmation or Certified Mail Return Receipt.  This will protect you when she claims that you didn't give it to her in a timely fashion or within the time frame provided in the CO (custody order).  Reference which way you are mailing and the delivery or article number (ex: Via Certified Mail- Return Receipt # xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx).  I make copies of all my letters after I sign them and then I make a copy of the final envelope once it has postage.  All the copies are stapled and I file them in a binder folder specifically for letters mailed (i have another one for e-mails, and another one for phone logs)

My case was handled in NY and it was interstate (child lived in TX at the time), so it might be different.  During my first court hearing the judge gave temporary orders (when I should see the child, etc.).  Between court hearings I had CPS come to my house and check the living situation.  She interviewed me very briefly (I was surprised at how short it was).  CPS in TX did the same thing with BM's home.  CPS in NY filed a report with the Family Court stating that there was nothing out of the ordinary in my house and that I had enough room to have my child visit me.

My situation with BM at the time (and still is) very hostile.  If it were up to her I wouldn't be part of my child's life.  After going back to court twice, NY judge referred us to mediation in order to avoid trial.  This is where things went a little bad in my opinion....I did my case pro se and BM had an attorney (who was tired of her at this point)....and when we did our plan it was not detailed enough.  If you go through the mediation route make sure that the CO (custody order) is spelled out in GREAT detail.  For example, have specific dates and times for your visitation, phone access, pick-ups and drop offs (with a specific address), etc.  Make sure that holidays are spelled out to in great deal.  Do not agree to anything less than joint legal custody.  Have something that addresses what types of things you two should make a decision jointly (health care, school, religious upbringing, daycare, etc.).  They have some great sample parenting plans on this site.  Read a couple and see what would work best for you.  Take copis with you to court.  Make sure that whatever you agree with it is something you can live with or follow through with.  Also, make sure you have a clause on how to handle any disagreements in the future (mediation, third party, court, etc)

When in court, never lose your cool.  No matter how outragous the things you are hearing.  Always go with the idea that you will have to fight hard for what you want simply because you're a dad.  Although GALs are supposed to be neutral but sometimes that's not the case (that happened to me with the mediator). 

Also, read post here....old ones, new ones....you'll get a ton of information.  Do your own research.  Don't expect your attorney to do it all....remember it's your child.  As the process keep going on, come here for advise or to simply vent.  Having an outlet is important during this time, these cases can be very emotionally  draining.

Goodluck!

Hi everyone.

So I just got out of court here in NY.  There's not much to update on, but I though I'd let you guys know what happened.  NY judge spoke to TX judge.  NY judge not ready to make a decision on the jurisdiction of the case because he needed to still work out certain things with the other judge (whatever the h*** that means...sorry I'm a bit frustrated).  No temporary orders....according to judge that will be handled in the next court date.

On another note, BM did not show up.  BM made a major mistake in her filing (don't want to give too much details, you never know how's reading).  This was the SECOND court date she didn't show up for.  Of course the judge was furious!!!  He looked like he was ready to blow!  I also told him that BM was blocking my access to my child.  Told him that according to BM, NY doesn't have jurisdiction over her or the case, so there's no need for her to follow the NY CO (well that sure got the Judge PO).  So now I have to go back to court in early Dec.  Judge did not give me another summon to serve BM with (good because I've paid to have it done twice) instead the Judge said that he would personally take care of ordering that BM was present and had an attorney with her on our next court date.

I am frustrated that this is taking so long, because in the meantime I am not having enough time with my child and my holiday visitations are being threatened.  In a way it was good that BM didn't show up again, the judge got to see for himself the kind of defiant attitude she has.  So for now I just have to try to stay focused on my child and the bigger picture which is getting more time with the child.

Once my other court date comes through, I will once again update the situation.  I really hope that the judge here in NY decides to keep jurisdiction.

Can I ask for temporary orders during my initial hearing for modification or do I need to file a separate petition for that (I'm in NY).  I know that it's going to be a while before the modification is put through and I was wondering if I could ask for temporary orders to be placed (ie: Specific days and times that communication should happen with the child, specific exchange place, etc.) 

I still don't have an attorney here in NY (that's presenting to be more of a challenge here in NY than TX- most attorney's want anywhere from 10K to 20K retainer's fee to even take the case).  The judge told me the last time that I didn't need to have council with me during this hearing, but going forward I did.  I think I found an attorney who might work, but it's still up in the air and I am not sure if it's going to be finalized before my hearing.  This is why I want to know how temporary orders work.  I was thinking of writing a motion for temporary orders, but I have to serve that to the other party with 14 days notice right?  (I don't have that long).

Any suggestions that anyone can make as to how I can make the judge aware of the temporary orders in writing before the hearing would be appreciated.  I am the type that I express myself better in writing than speaking (as I often forget what I need to say).  Also, time is so limited during these hearings.

Thanks in advance for any suggestions.  I can't express how thankful I am to all of you and how much you guys have all helped me through this process.  I hope that one day I can help someone else (I'm noticing that you become somewhat of an expert after going through the system).

MB- everything is sent certified mail because otherwise she'll claim it was not received.  I send originals certified mail and copies first class mail.  I will look into priority confirmed delivery (I didn't know about the option).  I just need a way to track that things are being delivered otherwise she plays the "it was never sent" game.

I didn't file contempt.  I actually filed for modification (there were changes of circumstances since the first CO that allowed for it).  Now I know what I am up against and the type of problems I am dealing with so I am going to make sure the the new CO is very detailed and specific.  Her response it always "its not on the CO, then I don't need to comply."  But while reading through post here, I see that it's a very common stance amongst CP.   

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.  I did think that sending every letter to the court was a bit excessive.

Davy- Jurisdiction should get settled once I go back to court in NY in a few weeks.   The judge in TX agreed with me that jurisdiction belonged to NY (which made the EX extremely mad).  The judge in NY already asked me what my preference was (NY or TX), to which I told her NY.  We'll see what happens in a few weeks.

Gemini- The EX doesn't deny me visitation because that's pretty clear on the CO.  She does deny me access to the child through video conference (the child prefers that over the telephone) since that part of the CO only says "reasonable" access.  What I am doing is making charts of all the times I request to "speak" with the child and she denies me.  I am also charting the times I do get to talk and how long I talk for.  Right now I am averaging about an hour a month of access.  Of course the EX believes that this is "sufficient." 

As far as letters, I do have a STACK of them.  The EX does claim that I am neurotic and a control freak, but I have found that letters work well because otherwise she'll claim that I didn't do something or simply lie.  For instance in one occasion she claimed that I didn't notify her with enough time of a visitation (which I did)....made it a point to write me a letter to document my "contempt"....but what happened was that she refused the certified letter.  Of course the letter was returned to me and it was marked refused.  I filed it unopened.

Every piece of letter I send her is certified with return receipt.  It get's expensive, but I'd rather spend that money and have proof that it was sent.

I was reading through some sample letters on this website and I noticed that they suggested that you CC the court's county clerk and asked that the letter to be made part of the permanent file.  That this was good so that the judge can see your efforts and be more familiar with what the other party is doing.

My question is, should I prior to going to court make copies of all the letter I have sent to the X so that it can be made part of the file? I have a lot of them, most dealing with her blocking my access to my child. What do all suggest?

Thanks in advance!!  (Counting down the weeks to have the jurisdiction settled so that we can get to the modification)

Ocean- No, the child is not of school age.  I do not have the child's daycare information (mom will not disclose- the CO is vague about it).  Because the child is a toddler, we do not do phone calls, instead we do Window's Messenger (video conferencing).  My work is such that I cannot stop what I am doing to make or receive calls (which is why she schedules it during that time).  I have sent certified letters requesting that we work on a permanent schedule and asking her to address the issue, she does not respond (one of the many reason's we're going back to a modification).

MB- I am very patient (more than what I thought I could ever be).  You're right, one down!

I will most certainly keep everyone posted.  Hopefully sharing the information can help someone else going through the same struggle....at the very least it lets me vent!

Hi everyone!

I just wanted to give everyone an update on my ongoing issue (jurisdiction). Original post: http://www.deltabravo.net/forum/index.php/topic,37430.0.html

To make a long story short, I just had my hearing in TX (I hired an attorney) and the judge in TX agreed that jurisdiction for this case was in NY.  My ex's attorney went as far as to say that our original CO was not legal as he could not verify that it was signed by a real judge.  The judge in TX told him that his argument didn't make sense as he could see the court seal on it.

I notified the court in NY of my ex's attempt to have jurisdiction changed and I submitted a copy of her petition.  The judge in NY contacted me and asked me what my preference was (NY of course).  The judge said that everything would be squared away during our upcoming court hearing.

So far it's looking good, I'm very optimistic.

Of course this has made the ex very angry.  She's not returning calls and is making communicating with my child nearly impossible (like scheduling it during my work hours and saying that's the only time she's available).  Of course I am documenting everything, but I was wondering if you guys had any suggestions on what else I can do in the meantime.  I do get every concern when she doesn't return my calls (haven't heard from her in a week) as she does have certain medical conditions and I'm afraid that something has happened and no one has notified me.  Her family is of no help either (they refuse to pick up or return my calls when I call to find out if everything is ok).  I have in the past done wellness checks by the police (two in total and my last one was 5 months ago) but I don't want to call too much.  Most of the times I get concerned (b/c she's unreachable for weeks) it has always turned out that she just decided NOT to call me back and not because something is wrong.

Any suggestions from you guys will be appreaciated.  I will of course update everyone once I have my hearing in NY.
Thanks in advance!