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Messages - chickenbubbasmom

#21
Ocean, the grey area is the part I'm worried about. DH doesn't want to do anything to compromise his position, but it's not fair that he spend every weekend trying to get his time or get her to return the child. She point blank stated in a text message DH could have him back Tuesday afternoon, and that she was keeping him from Friday until then.

I always took the order to mean the same time, but either a day earlier or a day later. Otherwise, wouldn't they specify a time to avoid conflict.? I don't know what to think anymore. We can't spend every Sunday trying to locate the child, in order to call the police, in order to have the child returned.
#22
Ex parte hearing was last Tuesday. BM didn't show up because she was in the emergency room with chest pains. Judge postponed until Thursday, and on Thursday they had same day mediation and permanent orders were made.

They are still going back to court next month for mandatory settlement conference, because the marriage was bifurcated years ago, but nothing was settled.

I guess the school issue was never settled..

BM is saying every day is a non-school day since he is in independent studies (so her visitation goes on indefinitely?)...as you know, she is the one who pulled him out of school and enrolled him in independent studies. DH had planned on keeping him in independent studies to finish out 8thgrade so he can graduate. That way he would start high school freshnext year. Still unsure about it.

BM showed up at our home around 11 today demanding the child. Police came and tried to bully DH, and threatening to cite him for a misdemeanor of failure to follow a court order. In the end they did nothing but make a report.

BM is using every loophole, to try and make our lives miserable. The order states, "When parent's weekend coincides with a non-school day on Friday or Monday, the third day shall be included." Since there are no specific times, the cops say it is a gray area. What it tells me is that, if Friday is a non-school day she would get him a day earlier (Thursday 3:15) and if Monday is a non-school day it would be a day later (Monday 5:00). Right? That's the way we've always done it in the past on DH's visitation. Cops say it doesn't matter what you've done in the past or what you think she knows, since it's not specific in the order. So, she can keep him from whenever until whenever?..I don't get it. The court expects people to use common sense, that's all.

It also says "parent must wait only 30 minutes before time is considered canceled"..Since she didn't call or show up on Thursday, DH considered her visitation canceled. At first, DH tried to reason with her and give her the time, but when she sent him a text message stating she will be picking him up on Friday, and DH can have him back Tuesday after school, DH said forget it, you aren't getting him at all because your time was canceled AND you are refusing to return him Sunday at 5 pm. She is insisting Monday is her 3rd day, even though Friday was the non- school day.  Does she have anything here.?
#23
Hi guys..last Thursday we went to court on an ex-parte,  after oldest son was struck by mom's live in. The oldest child's primary residence was changed to our home, with BM having 2nd, 4th, 5th weekends as well as Tuesday 2 pm until school the next morning. Custody is still joint/joint, and DH's time with younger son stayed the same.

Last Friday, DH was denied his weekend with the younger child, BM cited illness. Child went to school on Friday, but after his activities for that day (parade) BM signed him out early.

BM picked older child up for Tuesday visitation, but failed to return him to school the next morning per the order. DH had to drive to her home Wednesday afternoon to retrieve him, which is much further travel than his school. (quick history) Older child was pulled out of regular school by BM last October. He is currently in a home school program closer to her home, that allows him to go in daily for labs and tutoring. He doesn't have a set schedule aside from his work turn-in day. Court order states her weekday visitation is 2 pm Tuesday until school starts the following day. DH wants him at school on Wednesday, but she is refusing.

Getting to the real problem, which is this weekend..Order states that when a parent's weekend falls on a weekend during which the Friday or Monday is a non-school day, the parent gets the third day. Today is a non-school day in their district. We interpret this to mean BM's weekend would have started Thursday at 3:15 instead of Friday at 3:15. We've been over this several times in the past with BM when DH's weekend has fallen on non-school days.  Child (he's almost 15) called BM last night to see why she didn't call or come get him, and to find out what time she was going to get him today. He wanted to know, mainly because he was trying to make plans with a friend. BM told him something about caring about his friend more than her..then said told him she was picking him up and keeping him until Monday or Tuesday.

BM refuses to speak to DH on the phone, and will only communicate through text messaging. He tried to call her repeatedly to discuss the matter after his son got off the phone, and was hung up on. Finally he texted her letting her know that she missed her pick-up, and that son is supposed to return at 5pm Sunday, not Monday or Tuesday. She responded by saying that she was going to pick him up at 3:15 Friday, and DH can get him from school on Tuesday because of the 3rd day. However, she has Tuesday visitation, so he would not return to DH until Wednesday.

BM interpretation of the order is that she can keep him on Monday, because he is in home school anyway so it is a non-school day. Even under that premise, pick up would be 5 pm Monday. She blames DH for not calling her and telling her when she was supposed to get him. She's claiming she didn't know he was out of school on Friday, even though younger son is on the same schedule.

DH feel's like, it is her responsibility to understand the order, and follow through on it. She has clearly stated in text messages she refuses to return the child on Sunday. If he goes, we will most likely be unable to locate her. DH is so stressed from the whole situation. He told her that because she did not show up or call about Thursday 3:15 pick up, her visitation is considered canceled (order states canceled after half hour if visiting parent doesn't show up or call, but she will just say she didn't know about Thursday pick-up). Particularly because she is also refusing to return the child until Tuesday, when he was willing to work it out with her. I kind of feel like that's wrong on his part, but am at a loss for what else to tell DH..

Question, is our interpretation of the order correct.? Is it grounds to deny visitation?.. is her refusal to return him grounds to deny visitation? What other options.? Aside from another weekend of police, endless stress, and hours wasted. Honestly, DH is not trying to be an A hole. All he wants is smooth pick up/drop off and for her to follow the order.
#24
MB- thanks so much your advice is always appreciated, and I agree.
#25
MB-funny enough you mention this; we actually did try twice to follow her home after drop-off, and both occasions they didn't end up at home. I think this technique will come in handy as to finding out where she works, once we are able to get a home address. I do have a friend that would also be very good at this.!

Another thing I don't know if I mentioned before..exactly this time last year dad went to bm's old apartment, after she had taken the children out of school early in order to keep him from his visitation that day. We didn't know what apartment, just the building, but were looking for her car so that we could call the police and retreive the children. Coincidentally, bm's mother was there paying her rent and spotted us. A few days later dh was served with a tro for harrassment and stalking, and didn't see or speak to the children for 45 days. Missed all the holidays as well; new judge gave him Thanksgiving this year to make up for it. Understandably, DH is afraid of the same thing happening again.
#26
giggles- Thanks for the link. I tried it but only came up with an address from 2002.

snowrose- They are 13 and 9... no hope of getting any info from the 9 yr. old.. We tried nonchalantly to get the address from 13 year old, ie. driving around in the general vicinity, but he is too afraid mom will find out he told. Children have been ordered by bm to give dad no information, or lie if asked. School will not give dad info without mom's consent, regardless of joint custody. Believe me, we have tried everything. At the very least, am hoping what comes out of this contempt hearing is that she MUST provide him with the information. I don't see how she can get out of it, unless she makes more false claims of domestic violence, which wouldn't surprise me at this point.

I am most concerned about the older child and the verbal abuse/potential physical abuse on the part of the boyfriend. I'm also afraid of what the child will do in return. These kids have been through a lot of emotional torment.

MB- that makes sense, I wish the courts would give a better explanation of the process.  Thank you :)
#27
snowrose- The cover letter to the contempt paper does say that the charge is criminal in nature, but goes on to state that if you pursue the contempt action it may affect the ability of the district attorney to pursue criminally for the same charges?  It also states that BM is entitled to an attorney. That would make sense as to why it was continued, but a little confused as to why it went to another family law court to have a trial set. Maybe I'm just freaking out?? Here is what we filed for:

-address, mom refuses to provide.
-work schedule, verbally stated but refuses to provide copy of.
-rofr, cannot prove this, as she has "doctored" schedules .
-children left with boyfriend, really can't prove.

We filed an additional declaration re:

-children not enrolled in court ordered counseling as of 9/16/09
-younger child signed up for soccer during the summer, dh was informed in September, right before game was to fall on his weekend.
-mom interferes with visitation, tried to hold younger child after soccer during dad's time, police were called and turned child back over to dad, but no report made.


As for the boyfriend, BM refuses to provide DH with her home address (she moved in with new boyfriend in August), and refuses to provide dad with copy of her work schedule as ordered. We don't even know where she works, as she never filed her income and expense declaration, simply handed the judge her paystubs at court to keep dh from seeing them.  Two of the main reasons we filed contempt in the first place. We can't prove when they are home with him, it is at random times. For example, mom goes to school, but we don't know when. We always hear about it after the fact. Usually an innocent comment from the children such as, "Dave (bf) isn't as nice to us when mom's not home." One particular night we knew for a fact that children were home alone with bf and called the police, they stated that IF we had her address they could go there and remove the children, as well as cite her for willfully breaking a court order. After this incident, older son is no longer allowed to talk to dad on the computer or while mom is not home. The only contact # we have is mom's cell.
#28
Please bear with my apparent ignorance, as this is the first time we are going through the motions of contempt. The contempt hearing we filed back in August was set for today. At the hearing, DH was asked if he still wanted to go forward with contempt, he stated yes. BM was asked how she pleads (Not Guilty). Commissioner then states contempt charges are quasi-criminal in nature, refers BM to public defender and states BM to be released on her own recognizance. TSC (Trial Setting Conference) is scheduled for 11/24 in a different Family Law Court.

We were under the impression that the contempt was going to be addressed at the hearing, today. The main objective in filing for contempt was not so much pursuing criminally, but in having the court make BM follow through (ie. providing DH with her home address and work schedule). Is this how things are usually done??


Another, greater concern that has surfaced- I previously talked about BM's new boyfriend. The evaluation this past summer noted that BM's boyfriend should not be caretaker for the children, and the current court order states mom's boyfriend is not to babysit the children. Mom continues to leave the children in his care despite court order. We have no way of proving this. BM's boyfriend has made several threats of violence against DH, as well as racial slurs and derogatory comments about DH to the children. DH's older son has been verbally attacked and threatened by this man. During DH's most recent visitation, older son stated that mom's boyfriend raised his hand and told him "I should smack you in your face". Older son clenched his fists in return and told him to do it. Mom's boyfriend then lurched forward to scare/intimidate child. Now son tells DH he wants to carry scissors in his backpack in case it happens again. Problem is, older son is incredibly intimidated by mom and won't speak up. Younger boy, who is nine, has been severely alienated against dad and will do or say virtually anything mom tells him to. It's such a mess here..Any advice??
#29
Father's Issues / Re: SSDD...will it ever end??
Nov 02, 2009, 05:55:47 PM
Thanks MB, just feeling a little frustrated .. it burns me up knowing that she's breaking the court order in half a dozen ways at any given time, and there's really nothing we can do.

gemini..transportation states receiving parent picks up. I guess the lesson learned here is, don't stray from the order. BM clearly can't be trusted to do the right thing, even when it's to her benefit and the benefit of the children.
#30
Father's Issues / SSDD...will it ever end??
Nov 02, 2009, 09:38:42 AM
  It was DH's weekend, however, BM was to have the boys on Halloween from after school (2 pm) until 8 pm. BM told DH earlier in the week, flat out she was not returning the children at 8 pm.

We decide to take a different approach this time. DH has no desire to drive out to where BM lives at 8 pm only for her not to show, call police to make a report, etc.. so DH offers a compromise. In exchange for allowing extra time, BM to drop children off at gas station near our home before 11pm. She agrees. At this point we should know better, right??

DH allows her to have children at noon per her request, even meets her halfway. DH was willing to give her the children after son's soccer game, but older son said he didn't have a costume, so we came home first to get him his costume from last year.

DH calls BM around 9:30 pm to get an idea of when she will be dropping them off. She tells him she will only drive halfway, since she had to drive halfway to pick them up. Calls him a liar and says she never agreed to bring them back here. Says she doesn't have gas to drive them all the way. She calls back around 10:15 pm saying she is at the halfway point and demands we come get them. DH refuses, telling her to bring them here. She never calls back.

The next morning, older son calls and asks dad to come get him. Older son says mom will not let him go, unless DH agrees to drive both trips. It's still DH's weekend, and bm is required to pick up the children here at 5pm. DH tells son he should not be discussing this with him, and asks to speak to mom. BM restates that she will not let him have the children unless he agrees to drive both trips. In past 5 days we have made 6 round trips plus the half trip! BM made 1 trip plus the 1/2. BM has DH on speaker phone during the conversation. BM's boyfriend yells racial slurs at DH in the background, calls him a spic and an a**hole. BM refuses to give him the children, and hangs up. We call police, who can do nothing since we do not have an address. Half hour later, she calls back and tells DH to come get the children.

When we pick up the children, they ask DH why mom's boyfriend was saying all those things. Older son says mom's boyfriend talks very badly about DH, and that he is not as nice to them when mom isn't home. Older son realizes he just gave away too much information and gets a little tongue-tied. Mom is not supposed to be leaving the children in her boyfriend's care per court order.

It's just so frustrating...BM says DH will be in trouble at the contempt hearing because she can prove she wasn't at work the night older son said she was, the night we originally filed the contempt hearing about. We know the children were left alone with her boyfriend that night, but turns out she might have gone in only to change her schedule, and was told to go home due to her being so upset by the court hearing earlier that day.. it burns me up to know she will probably get away with it again because we can't prove anything.