Messages

FACT:
A child may not be removed permanently from the state of Illinois without a court order. The custodial parent must file a removal petition.

QUESTIONS:
When and how does the Non-custodial parent get notified of this?

When and how is the Non-custodial parent given an opportunity to contest the removal of the Child?

DETAILS:
Divorced 4 years. Mother has Custody. 1 minor Child 16yrs old

Mother is moving to another state. Child wants to live with Father and remain in the area due to Family (all immediate and extended family of both parents live in Father's home area), Church, School, ect.

Mother informed Father verbally in person she is moving out of state. Mother and Father began negotiating/talking about Child living with Father for @ 4 weeks when Mother stopped communicating and said she will not allow Child to stay with Father.

"Win Your Child Custody War"by Charlotte Hardwick
The SPARC site has a review recomending it in the article archive.

Has anybody read this book or used it to help there case?"

Thank you,
Mark and Heather

Hello,

ILLINOIS RESIDENCE

I am the SM. My husband, the BF is the NCP. He has 3 girls from a previous marriage, ages 17(soon to be 18), 15(soon to be 16), and 13. They currently live with the BM. The BM lives 30 min away from us. All of the BF and BM's family live in the same town as us. The middle and youngest,  have expressed to us for some time that they want to live with us. The oldest is not an issue in this case. We would be happy to have and want custody.

The BM is classic PAS to the fullest extreme and then some. The girls are aware of it and are angry about it. The BM is verbally and emotionally abusive. The BM has told the girls "there is no way in hell I will let your father have you." The girls are scared of their BM and what will happen to them if they ask to live with BF. Also, they are scared of what BM will do to them if they would have to live with her during a custody trial.

Recently the middle daughter, on her own,  got up the courage to ask to live with BF and the BM's response to this was very bad. BM told the daughter that there was no way she would let that happen. Then told her that she will decide when she will get to be allowed to see her father again. (Disregarding BF's visitation rights) She threatened to talk to the daughter's friends and parents so they would be aware of "what was going on" and then accused the same people of putting the ideas into her head. To top it all off she is forcing the girls to tell her at least once a day that they want to stay with her.

Other Examples of problems with BM:
1. BM tries to guilt and bribe girls to not want to see their BF.
2. Tries to get them to call him vulgar names when they are on the phone with her during the visitation she is constantly interrupting.
3. BM remarried to man with 3 boys, aprox. ages to the girls. When the guys moved in, they were forced to give up their bedrooms and move into the unfinished basement and sleep on air mattresses.
4. One daughter is made to share a bed with her step-brother.
5. BM has joked that she has sex in their bed when they are not home.
6. One daughter took BM's prescription meds to try to get high and it resulted in an overdose. The prescription was one that the BM had no longer been taking for a long time but was keeping in the house.
7. Girls have witnessed physical violence between SF and his sons, they were also told SF carries a loaded gun at all times (illegal in IL) and claim to have seen the gun.
8. When BM asked about their feelings at the time of the divorce the girls responded "happy" and were punished.

It only gets worse from there and the girls are constantly fighting with and fighting off BM. This behavior from her is not new and has always been present.
 
The girls have gotten to the point that the have told us they will run away. Or when they come to see BF they will refuse to leave. They have said "Go ahead, let Mom call the cops, she can't make us come home."

QUESTION:
We were told that if the girls ever refuse to go home we should call the police. At that time, CPS could possibly be called in to investigate and grant BF temporary custody. Also that CPS would act on behalf of the girls in court to change custody.

IS THAT TRUE?

Does anybody know the laws in Illinois? If so, we are trying to get an idea of how that would play out. Any information about what will happen?
We want to protect the girls and do what is best for them.

Any information and comments are welcome.
Thank you,
IL Step Mom

"Okay, as long as I've made another post so long that nobody gives a shit I'll tell a..."

Hey now...(comforting pat on the back) Don't be like that. Your in the right place... we care on this site. But it still is good to vent.

Retaining a different lawyer would probably be a good idea :)  

It sounds like she has a lot of DEEP issues and is VERY manipulative. (Do not underestimate how dangerous that may be if you let yourself be controlled by it) I bet that made for a very difficult relationship between you and her and communication can be a real struggle.

It also sounds like you are on the right track... thinking about the kids, how things effect them, what's best for them, ect...

Keep that up! Don't loose sight of that. Remember you can't change the past but you can change the future. Don't let things get to a point that you are looking back and tell your self you would do things differently. Even if the future outcome is something you don't like then you will know that you did everything you could to help your kids.

Putting your kids first is the right thing to do, but you need to look out for yourself too. Do NOT listen to her when she says don't talk to you lawyer.

Some form of individual counseling would be good for her and if you wish to remain with her some form of couples counseling should happen. But, If you are not happy, it is ok to say "this marriage failed and now it is over." IF... that is the case, then: the sooner you come to grips with that the better. You do NOT want to look back 10 or 15 +years from now saying I should have cut the losses sooner. Your kids won't be small forever and although you (may say) "well, we don't fight in front of them...", they are going to start picking up on things faster and faster the older they get. With "separations and you filing for divorce, and reconciliations, and so forth...", it dosn't sound like a very stable environment to have them in. Especially the worse it gets.

The most important thing in any relationship is comunication! If you want it to work, then you both must work hard on building the right tools for how to live and work together; on life, marriage, and parenting.

I believe you are at a crossroads now. This is the time you must deciede "what do I want to happen in my life?" Basically shit or get off the pot." This situation isn't good for the kids, you, or her.

If you keep focused you will be Ok. You need to have faith in yourself.
Good Luck,
Mark & Heather

What a load of BS X(   That to me is sick and twisted.
Have you both tried talking to FIL? I mean really sitting him down and telling him how this is hurting you, causing problems, and will cause problems for the child?

Here is what I see: I read the post and thought, why is the bond between the FIL and the DH not strong enough to overcome the bond created by the FIL with the BM?
You said it yourself..."My husband's ex is a pathological liar and is so manipulative. Her and my father-in-law are alot alike which is why they get along so well." It is not very often the you can talk sence into someone like that.
If he says he is just using her then maybe you can sway him to "kinda take your side more" meaning: atleast not let the things she says further damage the relationship between FIL and DH. Along with the stuff she tells FIL should not result in a phone call to DH.

You 2 are in a very bad situation. I am sorry to hear it and I know what dealing with people like that are like. My mother is a psycho and she totally damaged our relationship to the point I want nothing to do with her and never will. Now, my husband, has 3 girls- 13, 15, 17 and their mom is doing it to them.

If you make a truehearted atempt to change things and nothing gets better, you may have to write off the FIL. It sucks but you can't let yourself contine to bang your head against the wall. Leaving youself open to a pattern of being hurt by someone has it's consiqueces too.

I really hope things work out. Just make sure when you have visits with the son that you tell him you love him and make sure he understands "no matter what" cause with people like this you never know what he is being told or overhearing.

Good Luck,
heather2662-IL Step Mom