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I hope everyone had a good Christmas!  We did!  We were able to make it to my parents.  The roads were fine in the morning when we went, only a few spots with any snow on the road and there was no ice.  So that was good.  BF came over in the morning after he got off work as he said he was going to.  I let DD sleep until he arrived.  I couldn't believe that I actually had to wake my 3 year old up on Christmas morning.  So BF had texted me the Sunday before Christmas to ask what DD wanted that I had not already gotten her.  I gave him a few ideas.  And then when he came over Christmas morning he did not bring her anything.  Don't get me wrong, there was no shortage of presents at our house.  I actually had gone a little overboard anyway.  But I couldn't believe that he didn't bring her any thing after he bothered to ask.  I could even understand if he would have told her that he had gotten some things for her to stay at his house but he didn't say anything.  I was really kind of annoyed by his whole visit (not because of the present issue) but he sat on the couch and hardly interacted with DD at all.  DD had requested blueberry muffins for breakfast so I was in the kitchen after she opened presents.  I figured that this would give DD and BF some time together without me sitting right there.  And he didn't even talk to her unless she talked to him first.  I was in the kitchen and she was bringing me toys to show me and for me to open.  I kept directing her back to have her dad help her or for her to show him to try to get him to interact with her.  And she kept asking him to come in her room so she could show him something and he just sat on the couch.  And looking back now its kind of been like this for the last couple of times he has visited.  If this is how much attention he is going to pay to her when I am there how much attention did he pay to her when they were out with his friends.  In the beginning when he said he first wanted to see her I was skeptical but I thought it would be a good thing and I think I had lofty ideas about how we would be able to co-parent.  I think reality has set in and I'm pretty sure its going to be a mess.  When he left on Christmas he made no mention of when he would like to see DD again.  I feel like he is the one who wanted to start seeing her so he should be the one to give me his work schedule or days when he would like to have her and he's not doing that.  I don't feel like I should be the one to hound him.  I am sure he is probably still mad at me from the whole incident last week.  I did send him an email and apologize for the way I handled the situation (not for being upset).  I told him that I did not intend for us to get in a big argument.  I did tell him that he was right when we were arging when he said I didn't trust him.  I told him that I am trying very hard to and that it is difficult when I feel he isn't being honest with me.  And as far as I am concerned that incident is done and over with and we need to put it behind us and move forward.  I'm really trying not to be the crazy BM that so many of you have to deal with and I thought I was doing a good job until the whole incident last week. 

Ok, I have decided to stay home until after opening presents on Christmas morning is over then we will try to make it to my parents.  If the roads are too bad at that time we will stay home.  If we don't make it, it will be the first Christmas ever that I haven't spent with my entire family and I will probably cry the entire day.  I tried to ask him if he would be mad and he didn't respond to me.  And really if it did make him mad it would not have really mattered.  Christmas Eve is his day and Christmas is mine so its not my fault he has to work and the CO makes no mention of any switching or make up.  So inviting him over Christmas morning in the first place was me being nice and trying to make this work.  I did text and let him know that we will be here as scheduled.  He is supposed to be off work at 7 and said he would be here around 7:30 if he gets off work on time.  Unfortunately, I'm not going to be very patient if he has to work late and that's not me being a b&*$#, it's me wanting to try to get to my family Christmas and hopefully he can understand that. 

Teachers98,  I didn't think you were being aggressive.  I know that there are parents out there who do probe their children for every detail that happens when they are with the other parent.  I really am not like that.  I really was just trying to find out what she was talking about so I could help her to learn the correct name of what she was talking about.  And really if when I asked him what she was talking about if he would have just said we went out to dinner at XYZ and maybe that's what it is, I would have just went with it and not thought anything of it.  For a long time after she was born I was very angry at him for the way he was behaving not wanting to see his daughter and telling people that I would not let him see her when in fact I tried to encourage it and he didn't want it.  I was angry for a long time and I did have a lot of resentment toward him.  But one day I just finally realized it was not good for me to carry around that anger.  I realized that I did what I could in trying to get him to see her.  I realized that there was nothing I could do about it, it was up to him.  And he would have to get to a point to where he was ready to accept responsiblity and be a parent and I prepared myself for the fact that it may never happen.  But through it all I knew that my daughter would feel loved with or without him.  He doesn't owe me anything (ok he does owe me $) but he owes her 3 years worth of not being there.  And I'm not going to say that there haven't been times when my feelings have been hurt when she says I miss my dad when I've been the one there since day one.  But this is a good thing for her.  She needs both of us and I realize that.  My dad wasn't around up until the time I was 5 so I do know that this is a good thing.  But it's not easy.  And not being completely honest with each other doesn't make it any easier. 
He and I had our fight and now I think we need to make up so to speak.  We both need to acknowlege that we both played a part in it.  He should have been honest with me but I will say that I probably didn't handle the situation the best when I tried to talk to him about it.  I started off with why did you lie to me which automatically puts him on the defensive.  And I need to learn to trust him.  That being said we need to say ok we had a fight, now how do we move forward from here so we don't end up in the same situation again.  I do find it a little ironic that our first fight occurs when were were not together.  When we were together we didn't fight and when I got pregnant we just sort of stopped talking to one another.  I wanted to talk about what was going to happen since we were having a baby and the only answers I would get from him were I don't know and I haven't thought about it.  I got tired of hearing it so I stopped trying.  He got tired of having the same conversation so he stopped trying and we just stopped talking to each other.  So apparently communication is an area that we need to work on. 

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!  If you are traveling, be safe!  If you are in the midwest and traveling, GOOD LUCK as we will all need it!

Thank you all for your support.  It really helps to get advice from others who have been here or in similar situations.  And you are all right, the major issue here is honesty.  I don't feel that he was being honest with me.  This is a big adjustment for me.  I have been the only person making all of the decisions for the past 3 years and it is going to take some getting used to to have another person involved.  I really wish that he understood that.  I prepared myself that he was going to do things that I didn't like but I guess I just hoped that we would talk about those things and work them out.  I never prepared myself for him to lie to me.  When he approached me about seeing her in the first place we agreed that we don't want to be those parents who can't be in the same room with one another.  Its very hard for me to give up some of that control to someone that I don't trust and right now I don't trust him.  I am trying very hard but I don't. 

I do want to clarify one thing.  When I said I kept talking with my daughter when she was talking about the eating barn I was talking to her about that place specifically.  I was asking her questions like if it was somewhere we had been before or what it looked like.  I was trying to figure out what she was talking about so I could tell her the correct name of where ever it was.  At that point I figured they had gone out to dinner with his mom.  Then I asked my daughter if she had fun with her dad.  Then she started with yeah we had fun.  We went out to dinner with daddy's friends, got this snow globe, went to grandma's and I waited in the car while my dad went to see if grandma was home, etc.  I didn't go probing for those details.  I simply asked if she had fun and then she went down the list of what they did.  It wasn't she went in to those details that I figured out what had happened.  I didn't ask her any more questions about it, I just said I was glad that she had fun.

And now I have another issue, opinions please.  DD and I always to go my parents for Christmas and do the whole big family Christmas with aunts and uncles, cousins.  My parents live about an hour away.  In past years we have gone Christmas Eve.  This year I had decided to wait until Christmas day to go to my parents so that we could do the whole Santa thing on Christmas morning now that she is old enough to really get.  Per our court order he gets Christmas Eve and I get Christmas day, always, no alternating.  Trying to be nice and make this whole thing work (and prior to this whole fiasco) I had invited him over on Christmas morning.  He is a firefighter and works 24 hour shifts and he has to work Christmas Eve.  So I invited him to come over Christmas morning when he got off work.  Well the weather here is nasty and continuing to get worse.  It rained all day today and it will freeze now that its night time.  Then it is supposed to start snowing tomorrow and not stop until Saturday and we are supposed to get 12 inches.  I am debating leaving tomorrow instead of Friday morning to make sure we are able to get to my family Christmas.  I sent her father a message last night giving him a heads up that we may change our plans due to the weather and we may not be here Christmas morning.  I didn't get any response from him.  I actually just sent him a text a few minutes ago asking if he would be mad if we changed our plans.  I do want him to know that changing plans has nothing to do with our fight and everything to do with the weather.  I feel stuck and don't know what to do.  Do we go tomorrow or do we wait until Friday morning like we originally planned and take the chance of not making it there.  I'm not trying to get back at him or keep him from her on Christmas, the weather just sucks.  What to do?  I feel like I'm getting pressure from my parents too for us to come tomorrow.  HELP!   

Well, the talk with her dad didn't go well.  I asked him why he lied to me about it and he said he didn't.  I told him that he said he was going to take her over to his mom's for dinner and that's not what happened.  He said when he picked her up he tried to call his mom and she wasn't answering the phone.  Ok, that there tells me that he didn't really have this set up with his mom in the first place.  He said he asked DD is she was hungry and she said yes so they went to get something to eat (at the restaurant connected to the store where his GF works) and he told me the names of the other friends that they had dinner with.  I said and conveniently your friends were at the place that you decided to go (those friends live in a neighboring town 20 miles away).  He gave me some story about how they just happened to call and said if he wasn't doing anything he should meet them for dinner.  Could happen but sounds a little too coincidental to be true.  And even if it was true, he told he he was taking her to his mom's and he obviously didn't have that worked out with his mom so we're back to lying.  I told him that he needs to follow through with what he says because that's what I prepared her for.  He said that I don't tell him everytime I take her some where and I said that I gladly would if he would like but I don't have to because I have sole physical and legal custody.  He tried to say we have joint and I told him to go back and read his court papers.  I don't think he understands that since I have sole legal custody he can't make any decisions.  He can't even take her to the doctor.  He said that he trusts me so I don't have to tell him everywhere I take her and I obviously don't trust him.  How can I trust him when he can't be honest with me??  He said fine he would tell me everywhere he takes her from now on.  He was being sarcastic but I just said thank you.  At some point I won't care where they go and what they do but he just waltzed in her life a month ago and so right now I do because I don't trust him.  I know I don't get a say in what they do when he is with her but just don't lie to me about it.  Being open and honest with each other is so important so we can stay on the same page especially as she gets older.   

Kitty, you are right.  No reason for us to jump in to court.  He and I need to talk about this.  I'm slowly getting to the point that I am ready to talk.  I was extremely angry and I can recognize that it's not good for us to discuss it when I am that angry because I would probably just yell at him and he would tune me out and it wouldn't resolve anything.  The biggest thing is definately the lying and the fact that it was a total pre-mediated lie not just that plans changed.  I'm going to start off by asking him why he lied about it.  And I'm sure he will say because he thought I would say no which will hopefully open up a good dialogue.  I really want us to be able to work together in for our daughters best interests but we can't do that if we can't be honest with each other.

We have a parenting plan.  It says he can have her one day per week and every other weekend.  This is the first time he has expressed any interest in taking her alone so needless to say the one day per week and every other weekend has yet to begin.  It needs to start with the one day a week and work up from there.  I am just so mad that he lied to me about where he was taking our daughter.  The only reason I agreed to it in the first place is because it was supposed to be in a familiar place with familiar people.  Not to mention that I spent time on the way home preparing our daughter for the plan of him taking her to his mom's house for dinner.  Or it would have been different if he would have just said is it okay if I take her for a while tonight.  I'm confident that we won't end up back in court because he won't want to pay attorney fees.  Not to mention that if we end up back in court he knows I will bring up the fact that a year and a half later he has not followed through on things in our decree like adding her to his dental insurance, reimbursing me for child care expenses in a timely manner and reimbursing me for the total % that he is required to pay.  I've just let those things go and not made a big deal out of them but if he wants to go back to court we'll go.

I am even more ticked off now because there were no plans to see his mom.  They stopped by after dinner and she had to wait in the car while he saw if his mom was home.  If he would have told me his plans I would not have said No, I would have said this is not the appropriate time.  She needs to be comfortable spending time alone with him before introducing the girlfriend.  And I really think that prior to introducing the two of them he and I should have talked about at what point we will introduced significant others to our daughter.  I find it totally unacceptable to introduce your daughter to your girlfriend on the first time you spend any time alone with her.  I know that I legally don't have say in what happens during his parenting time but you can guarantee that once I calm down he and I will have a conversation about this. 

Am I the only one who things it is totally inappropriate to introduce our daughter to his girlfriend on the first time she ever has time alone with him?? 

And just in case you are wondering.  I do know the girlfriend and I actually do like her.  I just think the timing was inappropriate.

Okay here is the update.  I am so not happy right now.  I am hoping that you all can help.  So visits between my daughter and her father have been going well.  He has been over several times to visit her and we have gone to the movies, zoo and last week went to see Santa.  But has not expressed any interest in taking her on his own unti tonight.  Tonight he sends me a text message at 4:37 asking if he could take our daughter over to his mom's house for dinner.  I have been taking my daughter over to visit his mother for the last couple of years so other than the short notice I didn't have a problem with it.  I asked what time and he said 5 or 5:30.  I was still at work when I got his text so I told him we would be home by 5:30.  I rushed out of work went and picked up our daughter from daycare and was home by 5:30 when he came to pick her up.  My daughter and I had planned to decorate Christmas cookies but I was trying to be supportive of him spending time with her so that is why I agreed.  So went with him and at 8:30 he still didn't have her back so I texted to see when they would be home and they got home about 15 mintues later.  She came home with a present from his mom and this other little snow globe thing.  She kept saying she got this globe from the "eating barn".  I asked him what she was talking about and he said he didn't know.  After he left she kept talking about the "eating barn".  Being totally confused as to what she was talking about I texted and asked if they went out to dinner because she kept talking about the eating barn.  His response was that they did go out to eat but didn't elaborate any further.  So I kept talking with my daughter and finally got the story figured out.  They went to this local restaurant that is attached to the craft store when his girlfriend works and they had dinner with her.  His mom didn't even go to dinner with them.  So I am totally pissed off that he lied to me about going to his mom's for dinner when that is not what happened.  This was the first time he has been alone with him.  She needs to get used to that before you throw in the girlfriend factor.  And I think that he and I should discuss at what point we introduce our daughter to our significant others.   I really want to say something to him about this but I'm too angry at this point.  How are we going to co-parent if we can't even be honest with each other.  I am so mad that I'm awake typing this at 2am. 

We had another great visit last night.  Still stuck in the weirdness though.  I'm just afraid to bring up BF taking her alone because I don't want to jeopardize the good (but weird) thing we have going on.  The next visit I'm going to ask BF to say and help with getting her to bed then after she is in bed we can talk about him starting to have her for short periods of time alone.  Wish me luck!

You are all so helpful, Thank you!  BF lives 6 blocks away from us so distance is not an issue.  What will be the bigger issue is working around his work schedule.  Our CO says 8 visits before he can be alone and 3 months of consecutive visits before any overnights.  I'm willing to work with that.  Other than that it says the standard one night/week and EO weekend or equivalent days based on BF work schedule.  Since BF is a firefighter and works 24 hour shifts I had the equivalent days part added in because I know that EO weekend is not realistic with his schedule.  I don't want her spending 24 hours at a time with which ever random person he could find to watch her so we also have a right of first refusal included for anything over 4 hours.  He is planning on coming over again on Wed.  He usually stays until its time to get ready for bed.  I think I will ask him to stay until she is in bed and then he and I can figure how to proceed from here.