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Any body have any ideas/advice on how to get along with my daughters fathers?  I read books, go to my own therapist, heck, we even tried coparenting therapy that failed miserably.  Every time I turn around there is a new conflict and if there isn't a current conflict he will bring up old ones.  I made the decision to not engage when past things are brought up but it really gets under my skin when his memory of a conflict is distorted or just completely wrong. 

We communicate through email so I have proof of lots of things, I have even forwarded him things he has said but he tried to even twist those words around to place on the blame on me. 

I really just to get along with this guy.  We moved back to his home state after being gone for 7 years, I cancelled CS and now we are doing week on week visitation, he is involved in everything he chooses to be involved in.  School, sports, friends, everything.  I just don't know what else to do to make him feel satisfied, I don't even know that he can feel satisfied.  He's bipolar and it is making things so difficult!  I keep trying because my daughter loves him and loves spending time with him,I really wish it would come to a point that there wasn't such an "air" of stress when we have to come together on things, or be in the same room together.  He is just so angry with me and I don't even know why.  Help!

I have to agree that creating bad blood does even more harm.  I am working on leveling things out in my own circumstances.  I can file so many contempt charges but choose not to for the best interest of my child and the stress it will cause her if her Dad and I are in out of court. 

It sounds like the daycare was pretty important for someone to file a charge like this, perhaps in mediation he will have to be forth coming about what his wants for the child are.  YOu could possibly even see if he'd pay the registration fee for a new place if that is what is agreed on.  One thing I have learned is that being the bigger, apologetic person goes a long way, it doesn't make you weak, but it sounds like your ex might be a little insecure about his decision making role in your childs life.

Good luck!!

I agree, after a lot of thought this past week, I do realize that no matter when my daughter is with her father he still has the opportunity to be negative.  So, for now I don't want to change things for her again in regards to visitation.

I have spoken with the therapist and she would like to help out.  Yes, he has been diagnosed Bipolar, although I am not entirely sure if pushing the issue is wise.  i will never know if he is on his meds regularly and a CO will not make it happen either.

His wife was at one time able to talk to with me.  However, after she had left him for a few days, she told me many things only to retract her worries the day she went back. She herself was worried about his mental stability and said he was not on his meds as he should be, but then the next day called and told me she thought he was a big boy and could handle himself fine.  It was very nerve racking so I choose not to speak to her at all.

I guess all I am going to do at this point is continue to work on my end of things to make the relationship better and to make sure my daughter is stable.  Once court comes I will address the uncivil nature of our relationship and go from there.  Afterall, my daughter is the most important thing here and until she feels like she doesn't want to be with her dad as much then it will stay as so.

Thanks a bunch

Ok, so I attempted to defuse the situation with my ex.  Unfortunately, even after an apology from me for anything I may have done to upset him, his response was even more angry and he continued his verbal assaults.

Our daughter came home from her week with him again talking about how he and I can't along and why does her life have to be so complicated while her brothers and sisters don't have the same problem.  I did my best to reassure her that I would keep trying and that I was sure her father would too; even though he is clearly unwilling at this point.  She went on to say that even her step mother needs to learn to be nice and has spoken to her about "things"..not sure what "things" are.

I am so concerned, I know her father is unmedicated at this point, he believes he can take his bipolar meds "as needed"  This is so scary to me.  Whether the problems are in our childs face she obviously knows when we do not get along, despite my trying to cover it up.

Help!

Ugg... I never thought I'd have a preteen issue this early on.  Wow, I was oblivious till I was about 12 or 13 honeslty, then I got the attitude etc, but I never talked back to my parents like this.

I agree with you on the his time my time thing.  We have begun to work more like that so I thought, it's funny, I even have an email where he talked about how we should not be concerned about the others business and what we do in our own homes.  He said that with his other childs mother thats what they do and they don't argue or have issues.  Then 10 days later I get several emails pointing fingers at me for choices I have made in my life and how it is affecting our child.  How the way I parent is not in support of our daughter wants and desires, etc.    What a shocker.......

I have asked him not to email me again because of all the stress I am in, etc.  I suppose I can send the therapist an email about some ideas and see if she can work some magic with him.  Though, we have already gone through this once with her, evidently he didn't get it.

Thanks for the advice.  We have set our boundaries here with her behaviors however, she reverts to the I don't want to be here when she gets her punishment.  Its the typical playing parents against each other to get what she wants thing and he is buying into it deeply. 

ex.
theres an extra curricular conflict one day a week.  She has to miss 30 minutes of a practice due to somethign else that's over in 6 weeks.  I told her she could not quit just because she picked up somethign else, she committed to this but that I would negotiate with her instructor for her to be released early so she could get to practice for a majority of the time.

Dad....says I am a control freak because our daughter wants to get to practice ontime and miss nothing but cut her first commitment time in half.  I am supposed to just roll over and let her make the decisions because it is HER activity

Then....on the other hand, when it comes to HER vacation this summer to see one of her uncles on my side of the family he refused to negotiate another time frame when somethign came up during the originally scheduled time frame.  So, we got smart and decided that since the interruption was only for 5 days that I would give up more of my time so she could spend with it with her Uncle.  Now, I am supposed to tell her no when it's clearly somethign she wanted to do.

How does someone contradict themselves like that. On one hand I do not let her make decisions for herself, then when I do on a different topic concerning my family, then I should not and I was wrong.

I understand he is thinking is advocating for our daughter but this is getting rediculous.  She is exposed to so much and the fact her father and I don't agree is always in her face, its terrible.

I do not have proof but my attorney will know what to do with that if we have to go there.  I hope we don't.  I just want my daughter to be happy again.  I don't care that she be gone every other week, I just can't continue to watch her change and decline is such a negative way

I agree about the updated CO.  Yes, I did state how "bad" it is for me, however, I did also mention later in a response to someone that our daughter has had behavioral issues.  She has become violent and disrespectful, disobedient, etc.  So, I do believe the unstable relationship with her father and I is causing some issues with our child.  I do believe that not having a primary residence has been hard for her to adjus to.

I thought by being liberal it would keep things between her father and I civil but it isn't.  I have essentially gone from Thurs to Sun morning visitation to week on week off, because he said it was best, despite the fact we don't get along.  Our daughter has outbursts when her father and I have issues, its usually at my house and towards her siblings.  I just don't know how to keep things stable and keep things civil other than not communicating with him.  This kind of schedule sort of requires lots of  communication.

My concern is that what's going on will never end and when our daughter is a teen her reactions to things will be more severe.

Yes the old CO is from out of state, so nothing is set for instate yet, we have a status hearing soon.  However, I am sure he will push for week on week off and use his mothers money for some high powered attorney.  Actually, the therapist thought it would be a good idea to do week on week off even though she new our daughters father and I didn't get along.  HOwever, she is in agreement that our relationship is doing her a disservics and damage.  I trusted her and my daughters father.  We stopped therapy due to my own stress and health issues.  I have had panic attacks due to his verbally assaulting emails and just the thought of checkign my email weekly makes me nervous.  I have seen my Dr. and gotten a script for the anxiety issue so maybe I can enter back into therapy.

I have been told to put a restraining order on my daughters father to stop the emails, etc.  since it has been so damaging but I am trying to get over this and work it out with him, however, if and when I decide to stop the current visitation agreement he will blow up and I may actually need one.

Hi.  I am wondering if anyone can give some advice.  Currently my daughter has week on week off visitation schedule between me and her father.  We used to live out of state but 18 months ago we moved to the same state her Dad lives in.  I thought only fair that she start with weekly visitation, very liberal.  Only, 9 months later I get heckled about week on week off supposedly because my daughter wanted it.  NOw, she's 10 and can't come up with this herself, as a matter of fact one year before we moved to this state she came home from a summer visit talking about court and a  week on week off schedule.  I don't think it's a coincidence, I had told her father that very summer we were planning on moving and that his state was on our list.

Anyway, so through verbal abuse and guilt trips from her father, I folded and we have been doing the week on week off for 2 months.  It is creating so much more tension for her father and I and I am getting more and more assaulting emails and finger pointing about what I do with my life and in my home. 

OUr child is in therapy because she began to have behavioral issues last summer before the week on week off.  She is such a different girl now, which is expected to some degree considering she now has two homes and spends more time with her Dad. I never expected her to become violent or so disrespectful though.

Everything I have read leads me to believe that this current schedule does not work and is not in the best interest of the child unless the parents get along and are civil.  I have tried my best to leave his life alone, only requesting information concerning medical insurance, living arrangements, etc.  He is bipolar and has admitted he is not on medication as he needs to be.  I truly feel this is hindering a civil relationship between us.  Simple things like coordinating time and travel for extra curriculars turns into him attacking me.  I really want us to get along and I have tried my best, I go to my own therapist, we've tried coparenting therapy, etc.  Nothing is working.  I essentially have given him everything he's wanted, even though I was skeptical and concerned for our child.  I decided to trust that things would smooth out and now I am realizing that it may never be civil between us. 

The worst part is knowing he has a child with yet another woman, and he has no rights at all to that child.  There is no custody arrangement and he gets her every other weekend, he pays CS but he is not even on the birth certificate.  He treats this other mother so much differently. 

I know i need a backbone but I am so worried to hurt our daughter.

Oh, she likes spending "time" with her Dad no question there, but she's now in therapy, etc.  She's had behavior issues, etc.  Thats something we never had an issue with prior to coming to the same state again.