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Messages - Simplydad

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Father's Issues / Re: Old papers vs new papers, what's right?
« on: Apr 25, 2011, 01:59:04 PM »

Personally, i think if she takes this to court, she won't come out a winner etc...

I think that if it went to court she would have thoroughly pissed the judge off by taking his order and using it as a weapon.  It is a dangerous game she is playing and could wind up having the decision reversed.

Father's Issues / Re: Old papers vs new papers, what's right?
« on: Apr 25, 2011, 12:55:16 PM »
What it means to me is that your ex wife has been granted permission to move and that since she has been given permission to move you now have to abide by the "post relocation schedule".  Since there is no future date it means that order is effective from the date the judge signs the order.
So it means that since it is 2011 you get your son for spring break in 2011 and she gets him for 2012.
Nothing she can do about any of that.
She has no claims for kidnapping and the cop leaving has already proven that.   As long as you have a copy of the new order that is nothing she can do.
I am not sure about your state but many states require a change in circumstance for child support to be increased.  There may or may not be a case for that but I thought that was a matter for the state attorney general after the divorce was final but I could be wrong on that.

Visitation Issues / Re: More questions...
« on: Apr 25, 2011, 12:48:30 PM »
rhelle.....Have your husband print a copy of the divorce decree and keep it with him at all times.  He should have one in the glove compartment of his car just as he would his insurance card.  I know in many counties you can call ahead and have a sherrif or constable present when you attempt to pick up the children. I can't remember what it is called but hopefully someone here can help with that.
Also keep in mind that the county where the divorce was made final maintains jurisdiction so if she moved to Utah she will have to go to your location for all of the hearings on the divorce and custody.  Your divorce decree is a binding legal order that is must be followed at all times and it does not matter where your husband's ex lives.  Just to get another court to take it over would require a motion to change the venue.

Visitation Issues / Re: More questions...
« on: Apr 25, 2011, 11:12:37 AM »

We were SUPPOSED to see them at Spring Break (April). We had plans and a schedule in early February for Spring Break. In early March, ex sent an email saying "Sorry. Youngest D has a play that week." She, ONCE AGAIN, schedule extracurricular activities during his possession time. We could not afford to go their home state and stay for a week or even a day, so we didn't see them.  One week before Spring Break, youngest daughter tells him that her play has been cancelled for Spring Break....but he couldn't get vacation time that quickly so...

The play apparently was this past weekend, but no one informed H, so we weren't able to send flowers or pay to have it videotaped by a local photographer.

If the custody agreement states that your husband is to have posession then there is nothing the ex spouse can do.  The decree states he will have poession and that is what is to happen. Anything else is contempt of court.  If his ex does not comply then you just file a motion and she will have to answer the motion.  There is no transfer of jurisdiction so if the divorce was finalized where you are then she will have to come and answer. Failure to show up can cost her quite a bit including custody if it becomes a repeated problem.  Courts do not like visitation messed with at all.

What your husband needs to do is let her know that he will be excercising his visitation and if she scheduled anything without his permission she will need to reschedule that activity.  If it cost her any money for that activity then it is her problem.  The bottom line is this.  He is entitled to his visitation and the court order states when that is. If his ex wants a change to that she needs to either get a court order granting the change or she needs your husbands permission.

Father's Issues / Re: mediation failed...
« on: Apr 05, 2011, 07:04:45 AM »
Something I just thought of
If you already have a custody agreement then what has to happen is a modification and in order to do that a change of circumstance is going to be required and I don't see how this situation will even qualify under that requirement.  One thing that attorneys have always told me (those I interviewed and my current attorney) is not to have something put in the temporary orders that you do not want in the final decree.  Now your ex is going to have a hard time getting the custoday arrangement changed unless she can prove it is in the best interest of the children. 

Visitation Issues / Re: Visitation for 4 month old
« on: Apr 01, 2011, 12:33:49 PM »

Thank you for your insights- I really appreciate them.

And I agree (to an extent) that he can only dominate me if I allow it. However, calls to my cell phone at midnight, finding ways to touch me during pickups and drop offs, and the various thinly veiled threats are attempts to exert some form of control over me that are difficult to prevent. There are many other ways he tries to intimidate me- most of which I have learned to ignore, however it is still wrong. Eventually my child will pick up on the behaviors. They may sound stupid or petty to an outsider, but they are very real and frustrating (and sometimes scary) to the person experiencing them. My ex knows how to walk the line though- he has kept from doing anything overt for a few months.

Your feelings are never petty and you are correct some people may find them that way but I am of a mindset that a person is entitled to the way they feel.  This additional is very helpful in giving some insight and opinions. These are personal opinions and I don't even pretend to have all the answers but hopefully some of this will help.

1. Get in the orders that he is not allowed to call you at an unreasonable time unless it is an emergency dealing with your child.  Most orders should have this in there so him calling at midnight is considered harrassment and all you would have to do is continue todocument.

2. On the drop off keep your distance.  Do not even take the child out of the car seat.  Unlock the doors and allow him to go inside the car and remove your child. This way you can avoid complete contact. When he drops the child off have him put the baby back in the seat.   

3. Insist that the drop offs take place in a public place. Always pick a place that you know will always have people such as a grocery store parking lot or even McDonalds.

Always keep in mind that his veiled threats are just that......threats.   When you are near him if you have a smart phone turn it on to record and say to him as soon as you see him that your phone is on record. That should pretty much shut him up.  If he does threaten you then you have it recorded and he was informed that you are recording him.  The recording is for your safety and hopefully it will keep interaction to a minimum.

My thing is that regardless of what kind of person he is I still feel that he should be in the chiilds life.  Unless of course he is abusive and his abuse harms the child. If he is willing to participate then let him but he does not have to participate with you.   

Anyhow, I wasn't saying that one parent is preferable in raising a child. I was only making the point that there are times that it IS better to have just one parent as the main presence in a child's life, especially if the absent (or limited visit) parent is abusive (whether it be emotionally, verbally, physically). I am not necessarily saying it is appropriate in my case- I am still trying to do what I can to make things work in my child's best interest. But it is an oversimplification to say that it is always better to have both parents.

I agree that a child should not be brought up around abuse and if your ex is a habitual abuse and is malicious in his verbal abuse then record and document it.  Your custody agreement will forbid that type of behavior and while it may be a tedious process after a couple contempt citations he may get the hint.   

I agree that there are possibilities that a child should be raised by one parent but that I think we need to be careful about what those reasons are.  An abusive person should be limited around children. That is my personal opinion. If a person is maliciously abusive verbally and does so in front of the child they I feel they hurt the child as well as the person they are trying to control and dominate.

Father's Issues / Re: mediation failed...
« on: Apr 01, 2011, 11:35:41 AM »
If I read correctly you live in Texas right? If so then just ask for the extended visitation.  If you make the request it is granted nothing can be done to stop it.  That is how my visitation is and all I had to do is ask for it.  Of course I had an attorney and you will need one if you do not have one.  All I had to do was make the election that I wanted the extended standard visitation and that is what I got.  Nothing my ex could do to stop it.
How it works is this....
One night during the week your visitation starts when school lets out and does not end until school starts the next day.  That day is normally Thursday. So will have to make sure you child gets to school on Friday.
Your weekend visitation is 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend of every month. Beginning on the Thursday of your normal weekly visitation and endind the following Monday when school starts or at 8:00 am when school is not in sessin.  So you will get your child from Thursday - Monday morning. 

Visitation Issues / Re: Visitation for 4 month old
« on: Apr 01, 2011, 11:01:02 AM »

As for attorneys- I have met with 3- spent almost $1000 in initial consultations, and have yet to find one that is anything less than very liberal- the least I have been quoted for representation is $5000. As a student, I cannot afford the cost of an attorney, so I am trying to represent myself. While I understand that I should have brought up everything the first time we went to court, in my defense, I was trying very hard to maintain a somewhat reasonably "friendly" relationship for the sake of my child. Unfortunately, I have tried for months to be friendly, and it has gotten me nowhere- he walks all over me, and capitalizes on any opportunity to dominate me. I agree that both parents should be in a child's life, ideally, however, I do think time with my ex should be limited considering all the circumstances. A child should not grow up learning that men can treat women in the way that the father treats me... he may not be abusive to the child, but that does not excuse his behavior towards me, and it certainly does not mean that the child will not be hurt/affected by it. In addition, because my ex drinks very excessively, he is hungover (sometimes still drunk) when he has visitation- and yes, he drives in this condition! So while he may not be abusing the child, there is definitely a heightened risk of harm.

While I empathize with the situation your personal relationship with the father has no impact with the parent/child relationship.  The both of you can hate each other's guts and express the feelings in court and in person frequently to each other and it will have no bearing.  The only way your relationship with the father comes into play here is if he physically assaults you.  In that case we are dealing with a domestic violence issue and courts are very harsh on that.

You can ask that language is inserted that the father does not get to disparage you in front of the child...this will also apply to you as well.   Many decree's have statements like that anyway where it says each party will not communicate to the other a vulger or offensive manner.  Neither parent is allowed to disturb the peace either.  There are many standard statements that go into a custody/divorce that states how parents are to behave in front of the child.  Many of them are difficult to enforce which is why you should document and record all interactions.  If he is indeed abusive to you in that manner you can file contempt charges and he will be admonished for that.  If he repeatedly violates them at some point he could lose some if not all of his visitation but I don't think that is likely.  Not saying it will happen but if there is a pattern here then you will have document everything.

You mention a lot about your ex dominating you.  From the outside looking in the only way a person will dominate you is if you allow them to do it.  You are no longer in a relationship with this person so why is there even contact with him long enough for you to feel dominated. The only communication should be concerning your child.  Just stop talking to him.

With regards to the move: again, ideally, moms and dads shouldn't live in different towns, states, etc. But realistically, if there are no decent jobs in a place that is not my home, that has relatively high crime rates and a crappy education system, is it unacceptable to think that a better life can (and should) be pursued elsewhere? That because I conceived/gave birth in this state, I now should not be allowed to leave? As a reminder, he is free to go wherever he may choose- he has a job with the flexibility to literally go anywhere, and he has been in this area less than a year (and has only worked this job a few months).

In a perfect world parents will live in the same town and live in perfect harmony for the well being of the child. We don't live in that world and there is going to be conflicts.  So we have to find a way to coexist for the sake of the child and in many cases one of the parents do not want to do that way. So one of the parents has to be bigger than the other and learn not to engage in any nonsense. It is not easy to do but it can be done.

No one here is saying that you will not be allowed to move but in order to do so you will have to prove it is in the best interest of the child. No court is going to strip a parent (mother or father) of their rights to the child without a just cause. It probably will not be a difficult a thing to do (allowing you to move) if the father is as you say he is.  There many people that live in areas that are high crime and crappy educations and they are great parents and many manage to come out of those areas to do well for themselves. I am not saying you are doomed to that type of situation but All you have to do is go in there and state your case.   

By the way, the information that many loosely refer to, that "both parents should be in a child's life" is somewhat misleading. It has been shown that children raised by one parent can (and do) thrive when other factors, such as income level and level of conflict within the home are controlled for. I am not advocating for divorce or single parent households, but I think it is important to consider other facets to custody issues than the blanket statement that 2 parents are always better...

It is not misleading.  Children do better with both parents in their lives.  That is a simple fact that can't disputes. Sure it has been shown that children raised by one parent can do well.  That has absolutely no relevence and the courts are not going to care about statistics concerning single parenting. If the father wants to be in the childs life he will be and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

Visitation Issues / Re: Visitation for 4 month old
« on: Mar 29, 2011, 07:54:01 AM »
First and foremost if you do not have an attorney you should get one as soon as possible.

The courts responsibility will always be what is in the best interest of the child.  Sometimes we may not agree on what their "interpretation" of that is.  A child needs both parents in their lives. If one of the parent exhibits behaviors that would be detrimental to the welfare of the child then some intervention is definately necessary.

Does your current order have any provisions in it that pertain to relocation? IF it does not then your ex can't do anyting to stop you from moving but he can make the request (and it seems he has) to prevent you from moving.  THat is normally granted until a hearing a hearing is actually held to determine custody.  So if you do want to move then an attorney is going to really be necessary.  If you do move I would still say that you should make sure the father is in the child's life. You may not like him but children adore their parents and as long as he does not cause any harm to the child he has the right to be in his/her life.

If you file separately you should not be flagged but I am not 100% certain on that.  However, to protect yourself you should be able to file an innocent spouse form to protect your refund.

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